To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Why should he pay rent when he doesn't even have a room? Get real!

Completely agree that the language through OP’s post drips with utter disregard for this young man,
im sure you walking in on them just adds to the utter worthlessness he feels in this ‘family’ set up -

Calling it a bedroom room still doesn’t stop it being a communal space unless of course some sort of rota has been implemented. I could stick a tent in the kitchen and I’m still not going to stop my kids from raiding the fridge at some ridiculous time. It’s one of those pesky things that happens in living areas.

No that’s incorrect, I did read and note that fact. and I agree with the pp above you regarding making a change in sleeping arrangements once him moving in was agreed. Or the very least, allow him privacy in the only space he has to call his own after an agreed time - 10pm sounds reasonable

The living room is his bedroom though!

No, 17-year-olds don’t pay rent because they’re dependents, not because they’re ‘children’ in the same sense as a toddler. Legally they can consent to sex, drive, work full-time, even marry with consent. They’re in that grey area: not full adults, but not kids either. Pretending they’re one or the other just creates hypocrisy. You don’t need to throw open the living room like it’s a knocking shop, but a blanket ban on teenage relationships isn’t realistic either. What they actually need is safe, discreet space and clear rules, not puritanism one minute and ‘they’re basically adults’ the next.

Yup, I agree, some of the logic on here is weird. One minute DSS is "almost grown up" so of course he can enjoy a sex life in his own home (that he only arrived in a year ago when OP and her family were already at full capacity), but also of course he doesn't have to pay for anything because he's a child. His age is irrelevant (apart from them being over the age of consent thank goodness), it's simply that his desires should not trump OP's when she's the joint home-owner!

Exactly, there must be quite a strong push factor from whatever circumstances he was living in before because I can’t imagine why any teen would opt to live this way if there was any alternative- very sad

And why did a child of the family not have their own space before that?

They are children but at 17 they are allowed to drive, they are allowed to marry with parental consent, they are allowed to give blood, fly a plane, undertake medical treatment without informing parents, leave home and live independently (paying rent), vote and have sex.

There's a wide spectrum to childhood and ops dss is on the upper end of that spectrum so shouldn't be treated like a young child.

I don't disagree but I would suggest that OP finds someone else to educate this young man about safe sex and contraception as clearly it's not something she and DP have mastered yet.

Agree. The contempt she feels for the boy dating to exist oozes out of her posts.

I have to ask why that’s deserved of a report? What rule has this contravened?

How do you propose that happens when the poor lad doesn't have any kind of bedroom

her DH is his father, ffs!
The lad has every right to expect that his own parent might accommodate him. It's not his fault that his parents split up. What a horribly disrupted life he has.

No. DC1 aged ten has his own room - Lego themed. The 5 year old and the baby are in the other bedroom and OP/DH have their room.

And you can call it a ‘communal space’ all you like, but if you put a teenager in there to sleep for a year, you’ve made it his bedroom. If you wander into someone’s bedroom late at night, there’s always a risk of seeing something you don’t want to. That’s not him being inappropriate — that’s the reality of giving him no private room of his own

So we have to decide if this is a child or an adult. My feeling is it’s one of those manchildren who wants to do the sex stuff without the responsible stuff. So shag in a communal space while there are young kids about but not bother picking up his dirty pants and clearing away the plates from the snack he had. That’s the person I’m envisaging.

Well done for taking that out of the context of my entire comment. The point is this is OP's joint home that she pays towards - he doesn't. How anyone can think that his desires should take precedence over the homeowner's is astonishing.

He's 17, ffs.

Of course it’s him being inappropriate. Social decency tells you that shagging your girlfriend in the living room when there are little kids in the house is deeply unpleasant. That shouldn’t need spelling out.

Child or adult? Quick decide.

Completely agree. The boy has absolutely no privacy whatsoever whereas his significantly younger siblings all have their own rooms. Other than when he’s in the bathroom, when is he afforded the respect of his own space?

You’d have to ask OP that. There may be a very good reason. He may have been full time with mum for some reason. Not everyone can just up and move, and not everything is sinister. Some things are just circumstance.

You were bang out of order cutting through his “bedroom” at night. Give the lad some privacy (that goes whether he has his GF over or not - it should be completely his space between certain times).
But yes, you need to rearrange the living arrangements. Baby shares with you. Middle two share the bigger room. dSS in box room.
But you need to loosen up. He’s 17 and in a relationship, and your house is his house. The lounge IS his bedroom. Of course he’s going to be having sex there. As long as he’s respectful with when he does - which he was, chill out.