To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Your 1 year old son has an entire spare bedroom dedicated to his Lego? While your stepson sleeps on the sofa? Are you genuinely being serious?

Poor boy! He needs his own space and some privacy fast.

Yep. Sounds like she resents him already having children and he's stayed with her and tried to persuade her that they'll soon be grown up and she's accepted that without ever anticipating this situation. They're definitely overcrowded because they want it all. The DH wants this new, younger woman in his life as his partner. The OP wants the man and to have her own children with him. If she hadn't already got children with him I'd advise her to leave him and this situation. There is no way I could be bothered taking on someone else's kids and trying to care for my own

What I said, because you seem to have missed it, was :

"in a presumably safe, healthy and consensual intimate relationship with contraception is disgraceful and very damaging. "

Presumably. Because I'm aware that's an an assumption which is also why I said that it will be important that ops dh has a non-shaming conversation with his ds about these issues to CHECK he's being safe and respectful.

"They are having sex in the family living room where anyone can, and did walk in"

This is his bedroom and the only place of privacy he has in the entire house bar the toilet and I wouldn't be suggesting he takes it to there.

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents not wanting their children to engage in sexual activity in their home"

Which again, is why I said its understandable op might feel uncomfortable, however sex is a part of bodily autonomy and op is not responsible for dictating this for her step son, especially when his parent has said he'd prefer his son is practicing safe sex at home with clearer boundaries.

"Just because you have a laissez-faire attitude to sex and young people doesn't mean to say everyone feels the same."

I didn't say I expected everyone to feel the same as me, I do think op handled this badly and passive aggressively, and is ignoring and not speaking to either young person which is the key issue here. That behaviour is not appropriate or acceptable from his stepparent.

That would depend. Where else does this child have a bedroom? I’d assume at his mother’s house where he might be afforded the privacy to have sex in a bedroom with a shut door. That’s just common sense.

Bit rich telling people to ‘concentrate on your own reply’ when you’re on a public forum designed for, you know… replying. If you don’t want anyone pointing out holes in your post, maybe don’t post?

The point still stands: he doesn’t have a bedroom, the living room is his room. You missed that, which makes your original ‘do it in his room’ comment a bit redundant, doesn’t it?

Wait a minute…

LEGO ROOM??

The OPs update said he moved in with them full time last year so it seems the lad has absolutely no privacy whatsoever anywhere

What are you talking about? I hadn’t read the updates! Are you thick???????!!!!!!!

It's the 10 year olds bedroom that the OP has oddly described as his lego room -as in lego themed. It's not a spare room.

I would just tell him she cant sleep around anymore. The front room is also a common room so its not working and that hes welcome to stay at hers.

I agree with your last point. This whole issue needs to be talked through openly with OP, her H and the boy

Read OP's second post again: "We’ve only got 3 bedrooms so DS1 has his little Lego shrine room, the 2 little ones (5 + baby) are crammed in the box room, and me + OH in the main." What OP means is that DS1 (who is 10yrs old) has his own bedroom which happens to be full of lego (and why shouldn't he have his favourite toys in his own bedroom?). They don't have a "spare" bedroom.

You need to have the baby and the 5yo in with you and give that room to DSS. And yes you can fit them in. Get rid of any bedside tables and other furniture and make use of height. You had these extra kids, but somehow it’s the existing kid that gets deprived of a room? I almost wonder if this is real

I agree with this

The double standards on Mumsnet over the issue always tickles me. In all other areas of life we are lectured on here that 17 year olds are children and pearls are wildly clutched that anyone should consider them adults EXCEPT when it comes to sex. Then anyone raising their eyebrows at these kids having sex in the family home are wildly unreasonable and privacy should be availed to them EXCEPT when the actual parents want to have sex, then those parents are vile, lustful beasts who are trying to scar those kids for life.

It’s hilarious and I’m going to tell my teen when he gets to the right age for dating what if I ever walk in on him having sex then all bets are off. Me and his dad will start to have loud regular sex in the living room and if he scorches his eyeballs then so be it.

The rent argument is daft. 17 year olds don’t pay rent, they’re still entitled to a private life. Telling a teenager ‘not under my roof’ doesn’t stop them having sex, it just pushes them to do it unsafely somewhere else. You can either accept reality or pretend abstinence comes free with Sky Broadband.

I’ve reported this thread. OP drip fed that this 17yo has no bedroom.

No, OP and her OH have three kids in a 3-bed house. Her OH's eldest son only moved in with them a year ago, so they've accommodated him the best they can without disturbing the existing sleeping arrangements of their own family. What we don't know is why an older teenager has moved in with them and why he isn't still living with his mother (or wherever he was living before moving in with OP and her OH)?

This ^
tell it politely and friendly, for you not for them save your battles.

Agree. It seems the child who was already here when the OP got with his father is like the Cinderella of the bunch while the shiny new family get prioritised.

Time and time again the same story

I would imagine that a family need to alter their sleeping arrangements so the lad can, for the first time in A YEAR sleep in a proper bed. He's living like the hidden homeless, sofa surfing. There's absolutely zero good reason why from the age of 16-17 they've left him sleeping in the sofa instead of combining the 10 and 5 yo and moving the baby in with them so he can have his own space and dignity. Can you imagine being 16 or 17 and inviting your friends round to your house and then having to explain to them that you don't actually have a bedroom and you sleep on the sofa in a communal area. Especially in the context of a blended family with all the complexities that bring up for young people. It's not good enough on so many levels not even taking sex or intimacy into account.

Plus have you never ever got carried away in the heat of the moment, in your own bedroom where you're not expecting anyone to land in? Have you met a teenage boy before?

It's not about pushing any young person to be sexually active at an early age (what an absolutely disgusting assertion that is) it's about being realistic about the fact he clearly IS ALREADY sexually active off his own bat and there's an emotionally safe way to deal with that and equip him with the means to be safe and respectful with it.

So you also didn't note that the 17yr old moved in with OP, her DH and their three children a year ago?

The problem is you're barging into his bedroom room and not giving him any privacy.

Hang on hang on why don’t 17 year olds pay rent? Could it be because they are still ….. children?! 🤪🤣