To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

If he there's full time and that's his bedroom, then at the very least you need to agree a time when it stops being a common space and is only for him, with the door closed. In our house, that'd be about 10.

Did you really think two seventeen year olds were going to watch a film then just go to sleep? Bit naive really. Have a word about closing the door but I think you’re overreacting

So he doesn't get his own space at all?

He wasn't shagging in the living room, he was shagging in his bed.

Close the door and remind everyone that at night it's DSS's space and to respect that

At 17 it's not something to get all "omg he's having sex?!" about

Oh give over. No one is saying OP doesn’t have a right or had to be ‘locked up’. But she and her husband created this mess so yes, if she’s going to stick the stepson in the living room instead of giving him an actual bed then she needs to understand that she can’t just dander through it at 12am in what has been labelled as this boy’s bedroom.

why does10 year old DS1 have his own room but 17 year old stepson has to sleep in the sitting room?? Think I'd be mighty unhappy to be the 17 year old. Move baby in with you & in all likelihood your stepson will move out in a couple of years

Jeez, I haven’t read all the comments but I echo the general sentiments.

Either you accept that the living room is his space after a certain time of night - and midnight is well past that time - and he is allowed privacy from that time, or you and DH swop so you’re in the living room - as I assume you aren’t planning to bring any more DCs into your overcrowded dwelling.

His own DF is fine with him having sex so it’s not really your business. On the plus side, SS and his DGF so embarrassed about it that they are unlikely to have sex there again, and will probably hurry to find their own place so that’s a bonus for you.

I think you have turned the situation on it's head. He is the one having sex in the living room of his father and step mother's family home and the responsibility should have been on hom to brave an acceptable manner. The fact he didn't behave in a responsible manner would indicate he doesn't have the maturity to be in a sexual relationship at all.
Yes the sleeping arrangements are not ideal but there are many families living in accommodation which is too small for their needs. And I fail to see why the whole family should have to alter their sleeping arrangements just so a teenage boy can work on his sexual experience.

Surely you knew they were having sex when you allowed her to stay over? What new information do you have? I get it’s not nice to see but surely you assumed this is what they’d be doing in your living room / his sleeping space?

anyway - no, it wouldn’t be unreasonable not to let you DSS have his GF to stay just because you don’t purchase a house big enough for him to have a bedroom. Poor kid.

@AutumnMum28 re I just don’t know what the right balance is, like I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on??
I'm reading this with the 'OUR family' you mean you/dh/younger dc, that DSS isn't included in the emphatic OUR family?
Is the 28 in your name your age, so your actually very close in age to him?

How old is the girlfriend?

I don’t understand the mentality of ‘better they’re doing it here where we can keep an eye on them.’ What could they be doing that’s worse than shagging in a communal area of a house where it’s is highly likely someone will be up in the night? It’s your step son to blame IMO, surely he could have said they should do it in his room? Surely he knows you’re up in the night occasionally.

Send him to his GF’s!

Your reaction is a bit over the top. Agree DSS should have his own room. You can’t magic up another but it’s really unfair the young person who needs his own space the most doesn’t have it. The youngest could share with you and DH or you and DH could take the living room. He’s 17. It was his bedroom in the evening and your DH probably thinking you’re overreacting also.

Also, regardless of your SS why is there 2 in the small box room instead of the 10yo in the box room and the two being in the bigger room? You can put shelves up in the box room along the available walls for his Lego…

Have you actually read the full
thread?? The step son doesn’t HAVE a bedroom. The living room is his bedroom. He’s been sleeping on a sofa for the past year.

So it’s the only space the poor boy has for himself and you think it’s ok to wander down to deliberately try and catch them out get washing out of the machine that really couldn’t have waited.

Think you’re being extremely over dramatic and I feel for the young couple not allowed any privacy from nosey judgemental adults

What did you expect from two teenagers?

A lock on the door is the obvious solution. Really not on that everyone can just wander in and out of his bedroom. I mean, what did you expect?

I’ve happened across people having sex in a public place and it’s seared in my mind forever so I’m sure you feel the same. It’s easy for your husband to be cool with it when 1) he didn’t see it and 2) he isn't thinking about young kids walking in and either being scared, confused or enquiring. Any chance of converting an outside area into a kind of den they could encamp to?

Read the thread. The child was in a living area with his girlfriend as he doesn’t have his own bedroom due to the amount of kids there to number of bedrooms.

This thread needs a diagram 🤔

Are you eight and have just learnt how babies are made?

if not, why the outrage? Yes it’s disrespectful, but it’s not like you walked in on an orgy. Conversation between adults about boundaries is needed.

Totally agree. The poor kid should be allowed some privacy and 10pm sounds a reasonable cut off from his step mother wandering around invading his space.

Well i agree with you that boundaries and rules should have been discussed before he was allowed to bring young women into the home.

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure you've already made him feel massively uncomfortable and unwelcome so he'll be out of your hair soon enough.
Then in a few years you can be whinging about how terrible it is that he never sends his younger siblings a birthday card or gets you involved with the grandchildren.

It was a living area where he happens to have a bed. She was off to grab washing.