To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Lego or whatever his hobby is, at least the parents in the house care enough about him to give him his own room and decorate it to his preference.
17yo, nope, you get a begrudged sofa bed in the living room and no privacy.

Because two adults thought “fuck the consequences” and moved in to a tiny property together

So you and your partner chose to have this number of kids despite his already having a son
Poor kid, he's had his life turned upside down and doesn't even get a bedroom because of the shiny, new, "real" family
You show zero empathy for him, OP
Never mind, he'll be out soon and you can get on with raising your precious family

Wtf.
How’s that relevant to what I said?

This. It’s shit enough that he doesn’t have his own bedroom but now he’s to be bollocked for having sex with his girlfriend in the space that should be private for him at night. You’re being so unreasonable here op.

Here are your options:

• You and DH move into the living room as your bedroom
• Middle kids share, baby in with you, SS gets boxroom
• You agree that the living room is his private space eg 9pm onwards and keep out
• You make a big deal out this and alienate him even further than being the only one without a bedroom already has
• You move to a property with enough rooms to accommodate all your children, who did not choose or ask for this.

''DS1 has his little Lego shrine room''
Well, as you state that your two other children share a box room I'm presuming DS1 has a double room all to himself, so he can spread out his lego, while your poor stepson has no bedroom at all and has to make do with a sofa bed in the lounge.
That doesn't really seem very fair, OP.

Bizarre

Give the poor boy a bedroom, maybe you and partner should move to the sofa?

Leave them to it. This is very much your issue and not theirs.

Well he was in his bedroom aka the sittingroom so no i don't think you can say much

agree with other posters - you are being unreasonable. At 17 he needs his own private space, however small, more than the younger kids who would probably benefit from sibling company overnight. Definitely better to have 17 year olds having sex in proper bedroom than in a park or sitting room. Gives a respectful message to the younger kids too
Poor girlfriend - she must be so so mortified & absolutely doesn't need shaming

I don’t deny that.
i just am mystified by the ability of some to read things completely wrong.

My reaction to the op and further post saying he was in ‘his room’ was swap the rooms around but in the meantime tell him to shut the door. People seem to have missed she said she was walking past too.

Personally I'd never not provide a bedroom for my teen kids of at all possible. I sleep on the sofa bed in my living room so both my children have a bedroom.

You could do that. Or give the biggest room to the 3 young children and the smaller 2 for you and the 17yo.

If his bedroom is basically the living room then obviously they will have sex there. Not sure what you were expecting!

But easily solved - just give him a bedroom!

I'm wondering where the 17 year old does his homework and studies for exams.

I'm speaking as a person who, as a teenager, had to share a room until I was in the Lower 6th and had nowhere private to study (the shared bedroom had no heating, either - this was the 70s and we were poor). My O levels were only mediocre as a result - but getting my own room early in the L6th meant I absolutely flew for A levels.

This young man needs his own space for that reason alone - it'll help him move out, OP and I bet you want that...

You have created a situation where one of the family children doesn’t even have their own bed.
Either by moving to a home without enough rooms or choosing to have more children than you can house.

I don’t think every child in a family needs their own room and sometimes need to share but he doesn’t have anywhere.

Whether he lived full time with you before is irrelevant, surely he will have been visiting. Seems like it’s been made pretty unwelcoming for him.

this!!

Maybe the lego shrine was a bit misleading but the OP used those words, and it took me a while to work out there were three younger siblings, not just two.

All that being said, clearly all the children should be in bedrooms. In a family, if anyone has to sleep downstairs, it’s the parents.

In the rare circumstances that a child of the family takes a downstairs room, it becomes fully a bedroom, never used as a communal space, ever.

Stepmother from hell springs to mind.

you don’t let him have a room. You stomped upstairs because you caught a glimpse of nudity between consenting adults.

and now you want to ban her from the house?
just admit you don’t like him

Yes it was, no idea why you said it.
But we’re going off topic now.
Op has had plenty of suggestions as how best to arrange rooms and should work with whichever works for room sizes.

But won’t do anything

aside from prove my have another baby

OUR family living room -His bedroom.
Poor kid to be so unwelcome he has to sleep in the living room for a year. Not only that you walk into his space in the middle of the night.
Give him the smallest room, baby with you and the other two share.

You don’t subscribe that teenagers should be allowed to have sex? Really?🙄

Poor kid, and his poor girlfriend. You owe him a massive apology for not having figured out a way for him to have his own space in his own home, and for not respecting their privacy at midnight.

No it’s not ok for them to do that in the living room.

Your living situation needs to be looked at again though. It’s not fair for more than one of the members of your family.

At 17 I might have assumed this was happening - remind them to shut the door - and maybe get a lock for it. Sad, the kid doesn't have his own room. Especially as from memory little kids get up very early.