Feeling a bit annoyed this morning - AIBU?

[lastdayofseptember]

I really can’t work out why this has annoyed me so much.

DS is four, just started reception. It’s a small school and they made a big thing of it being like a family, friendly and small.

DS is happy with me walking him to the playground but plenty of children have their parents accompany them to the actual class, which is still outdoors. (I can see that having several parents in a classroom would be an issue.)

This morning was a rare time just me and DS as DH didn’t need to leave for work until 10, so kept our toddler at home while I took DS so I walked him to the classroom. As I approached the teacher tutted and said ‘oh DS, YOU don’t need walking to the classroom.’

It has really annoyed me. It’s made me feel like we did something wrong, which fine if we did but I don’t understand what when others are doing it. I felt like a big nuisance and as if I was in the way.

I know I’m opening myself up to all sorts of horrible criticism here and I am not going to say a word but it has annoyed me quite a bit. Wondering if others would feel the same or if I’m being silly.

I think I would feel like this too in your shoes and the teacher is tactless for the way she said this to you.

My son needed to be walked to the school door (the children lined up outside and then most of them waved and walked in when the teacher came- but I was walking with my son as far as the door) My son found going to school very difficult to begin with, so I think the difference is that your child doesn't need that support.

My son doesn't have SEN but we did have a stressful situation at home that made it harder for him to separate to begin with. As he got more comfortable and confident at school over the year I stopped walking with him.

Can you ask to have a chat with the teacher about it? I do think sometimes teachers forget that these things are new parents.

@lastdayofseptember

You say that you know this but you are still arguing?

This is such a minor issue.

The teacher is trying to manage drop off for multiple children. And this is drop off - she still has to teach all day.

Honestly, you really need to try to be a bit less sensitive.

I reckon ideally no parents are meant to come in and eventually this will be the case. Teacher was probably surprised that a child thay doesn't usually have any separation issues suddenly has potentially been 'forced' back. Sometimes parents can cause a child to start becoming anxious etc. it's not personal. Shes probably just been quite surprised.

Tbh I do think that adults who work with children need to think before they speak sometimes! It really didn’t need saying and there could have been all sorts of reasons why you walking together this once.

Equally, you could have used your words and said, “oh yes DS is very independent, it’s just a one off because I didn’t have his sibling so wanted the chance to walk with him” in a bright, friendly voice.

I'd be the same OP, try not to take it to heart and let it go.
My son's teacher last year was a very blunt type, he forgot his water bottle at home time and I walked back across the playground towards the classroom behind him as he dashed in to get it, I said to his teacher politely, 'He's just going back in for his bottle,' and she said 'Yes he can go in, but you can't'.
I was quite a way from the door and had had no intention of following him into the classroom! I felt quite irked to be loudly 'corrected' 😂
Your DC's teacher probably thought she was helping.

Having a child that struggles to settle into reception doesn’t mean SEN. DD struggled with starting school (particularly as I went back to work) and did need some discussions with the teacher about how to handle it. Given she is now 16 I can confidently say it was just a reception settling in issue.

She doesn’t want so many and is presumably trying to cut it back and certainly doesn’t want to add DS to the mix when it doesn’t happen the next day

If my post had been ‘AIBU to think I should be allowed into the classroom because others are’ this would be totally fair enough, but that’s not what I’m annoyed about.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing there is a real trend at the moment on here for telling adults to ‘use their words’ and I wonder if the people who do it realise how horribly condescending it is. I really don’t like it. In any case, I didn’t think it was the time to say anything. Least said, soonest mended. I’m not thrilled with the school overall and this morning has not endeared it to me at all to be honest. What I’ll do long term I don’t know. It’s a massive upheaval for a child to leave so I really don’t want to do that but equally I don’t want to be walking on eggshells all the time.

Also to add I really appreciate the posters who have been kind and have made me feel better about it. It’s a stupid thing but did sour the day quite a bit.

It is just one of those mismatches in the early days of schooling. The teacher sounds as if she is trying to teach them independence but is a bit gauche doing it. Perhaps leave him at the end of the corridor next time. I think when you have a little one, things are magnified.

There isn’t a corridor. I don’t think I’m ‘supposed’ to be on the playground at all but since no one has told me that I didn’t know!

You're getting a particularly hard time OP, I think I would have felt the same as you after a comment like that (and I've got 5 kids, eldest being 18 so I've had a LOT of interactions with teachers over the years)

I do think the jump from nursery to Reception is a really big one for parents, you go from having a good chat/run down from the staff at the end of the day to pretty much nothing at all. I didn't even see DD's teacher until this week (she's just gone in to year 1) as they're not on the gate on a morning and the TA was bringing them out on a night. You will get used to it but in this instance I don't think you did anything wrong and the teacher shouldn't have really said that in the way she did.

And clearly not every child in the class has SEN, you are right on that front.

I find it so rude the way some posters insist on telling OP's their thread is such a minor issue.

What EXACTLY is the point of MN, if people cannot open threads about something that bothered THEM.
They are not asking to be dismissed rudely.

I really think MNHQ should reprimand posters who insist on such rude posts.

Stay off the thread. Scroll on.
The OP is writing about how SHE felt.

So what if you think its minor.
Its not minor to the OP!

Thanks @Treeseys .

I really do appreciate that. It’s frustrating as I’ve done nothing - just felt some feelings which is apparently akin to storming and raging in the school in terms of drama level!

‘It feels as if there are a lot of unwritten rules that elicit disapproval when you fall foul of them!’

This is how I felt with one of the primary schools my DC attended. Both with some of the school staff and some of the other mums! DH didn’t even notice - all these ‘rules’ and subtle admonishments tend to be quite gendered! By DC2 I had decided on my tactics - usually to ignore.

I'm amazed so many people don't see the issue with shaming a child for perfectly age-appropriate behaviour, especially when many of his classmates are exhibiting the same behaviour! If this teacher continues to do things like this it could massively impact the child's self esteem over time, he could be wondering why it's one rule for him, another for someone else, why his mum's not allowed in when others are, why he has to be a "big boy" while others don't. Obviously it depends on the kid and his sensitive they are but my 5yo would have been preoccupied by this

@Treeseys was this directed at me?

If so - to both you and @lastdayofseptember i was not at all trying to be rude.

I asked - what was the impact on OP’s child. No answer.

I pointed out that she cant possibly know what is going on with other people’s children because she had previously asserted that she knew all the kids and all the parents etc

I pointed out that she should try to unpick what it is that made her upset - assuming that her child was not upset.

I pointed out that drop off is time pressured for teachers - they have a full day’s work ahead of them.

@Treeseys part of using an anonymous internet forum is that you then have to read / consider other people’s opinions and perspectives. If we all just agreed and didn't share different ideas or perspectives this forum would be useless.

I think this is such a telling comment. You aren't going to the school for nine years, or at all. Your child is.

You keep comparing it to nursery, but at nursery the parent is the customer. On a more practical level, the parent has to be literally the voice of many children of nursery age. As a result, nurseries are often very focused on parents. At school, the parents aren't the focus in the same way - or at least they shouldn't be. You seem very worried about how school makes you feel - and seem to see going into the classroom as something you should be able to do because it's nice for you - but I think that's pretty irrelevant. The issue is whether your child feels happy and comfortable at school, not you.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned thats being really pedantic and critical.

I am going to be taking DS and his sister for nine years and I’m going to be collecting them for nine years.

I’m going to be attending school productions, assemblies and events for nine years.

I am going to be communicating with my children’s teachers for nine years, and given the small size of the school there are actually only three teachers plus the headteacher and some support staff.

I didn’t bother to type all that out so I just put ‘I’m going to be at the school for nine years’.

Nor am I comparing it to nursery; the opposite, I keep saying ‘I have to keep reminding myself it is not nursery.’ It’s a change for me as well as DS.

@HelpMeUnpickThis i don’t think it was aimed at you. A lot keep telling me I’m dramatic for feeling a feeling. It’s fine to think I shouldn’t feel it. Harder to stop feeling it. I have noticed today my patience levels don’t seem to be great so I’m sure that comes into it. But my overall impression from the school hasn’t filled me with confidence. And while it’s true it’s my children who do / will attend, if I feel unwelcome and a nuisance it’s difficult to see how that won’t get translated to them.

But it isn't pedantic, because it's not just a phrasing, it's how you clearly feel. E.g. saying this: 'And while it’s true it’s my children who do / will attend, if I feel unwelcome and a nuisance it’s difficult to see how that won’t get translated to them.'. It's not difficult. It's very easy. Because they will have their own relationship with school, their own experiences there. It will not be mediated through you. This will be more and more true the older they get - at secondary school you'll barely even see the place, and will have a pretty hazy idea what they're up to - and it's a normal thing you have to adjust to. Your experience at drop off and pick up is your whole experience of their school so far, but it's such a tiny part of their day. It just does not matter very much.

No, as explained above, it isn’t how I feel. It was a short way of explaining that I’ll have a relationship with the school for nine years and I hoped it would be a positive one.

@lastdayofseptember what we are trying to say politely without being patronising or dismissive of your feelings is that you still have a fair few years to go and for your own sanity and for the sake of parent teacher relationships and for the sake of your kids you really need to right size things.

I will repeat: where are these feelings you have coming from and can you take time
to unpick them?

You can still have a positive relationship with this school but you also need to think about you can self regulate.

I am sure you chose those school carefully.

Drop off protocol - to me- seems far down on the list of things to get so upset about.

You are really overthinking this. Just let it go. What other parents do isnt your problem.

@lastdayofseptember sorry I am no longer able to edit my last post.

What i wanted to say was that this is school and designed to cater for a large number of students.

Not just your mood and your DC.

You decided to walk DC in because you had the time and it obviously meant a lot to you but that was YOU and YOUR feelings. The teacher cant hold that for you and cant accommodate your decisions.

Take some time to think about why you feel scolded / why you dont like the school / why this is such a big issue.

If you dont like the school then be practical about it:

@HelpMeUnpickThis you don’t need to ‘repeat.’ I read it the first time. This really is as simple as DS’s teacher spoke to me in a way I didn’t appreciate and it has brought to the forefront some slightly uneasy feelings I’ve had about the school. I don’t need to psychoanalyse myself.

Thanks for explaining to me that the school doesn’t cater to my moods. I wouldn’t have been able to work that out without your help.

Interesting when you were going through a hard time you wanted special treatment but when I want basic courtesy it isn’t permitted, apparently.

@lastdayofseptember all the best with everything.