Feeling a bit annoyed this morning - AIBU?

[lastdayofseptember]

I really can’t work out why this has annoyed me so much.

DS is four, just started reception. It’s a small school and they made a big thing of it being like a family, friendly and small.

DS is happy with me walking him to the playground but plenty of children have their parents accompany them to the actual class, which is still outdoors. (I can see that having several parents in a classroom would be an issue.)

This morning was a rare time just me and DS as DH didn’t need to leave for work until 10, so kept our toddler at home while I took DS so I walked him to the classroom. As I approached the teacher tutted and said ‘oh DS, YOU don’t need walking to the classroom.’

It has really annoyed me. It’s made me feel like we did something wrong, which fine if we did but I don’t understand what when others are doing it. I felt like a big nuisance and as if I was in the way.

I know I’m opening myself up to all sorts of horrible criticism here and I am not going to say a word but it has annoyed me quite a bit. Wondering if others would feel the same or if I’m being silly.

That doesn’t make any sense in the context of your post which is a perfect example of how the message which is intended isn’t always received.

Perhaps like your teacher this morning?

@lastdayofseptember I really want to remind you that you have no idea or clear visibility of what is going on in other people's lives.

During my divorce we had to ask for what you would deem as "special treatment" because my children were struggling with home life.

You have no idea who has a challenging home environment / SEN or anything else, nor should you. Nor should you think you do. You literally cannot think you know everything about other people's lives.

You are at primary stage. Parenting is a LONG road. Sometimes teachers can see things that we can't see things about our own children. If your child is happy and settled and comfortable going in alone then perhaps the teacher (who is mandated to encourage independence and self sufficiency before this child moves up to the next year) is frustrated that you are in effect encouraging regressive behaviour. Perhaps. Maybe that is not it and she just misjudged your intentions. I do think though, you will need to chill out because it is a very long road and a long term relationship with your child's primary school.

With regards to your feeling of being scolded, I notice that your post is all about you and your feelings. There is no welfare detriment to your child if you had just dropped him at the normal place.

With all respect and kindness, this is coming across like it is all about you and nothing to do with your child - was he harmed in any way?

I think you need to think about why this triggered your parental ego so much. If you figure this out I think it will help you to feel less aggrieved.

One thing to remember is that school is predominantly about your child not you or your feelings. Is your child happy, well supported, making friends and learning well? If so then I think that’s key. Lots of schools will say they’re small and friendly - they generally mean that the adults know all the children well, the children have friends in other year groups, there are channels for parental support etc not that teachers are all going to be super friendly towards parents. It’s one off the cuff remark - have you never said anything that someone’s taken badly or that came out wrong?

You’ve been there a matter of weeks, it takes time - if your child is doing well then you aren’t going to hear much from the teacher, especially at a time of year when the teacher is dealing with upset kids, kids who came with undiagnosed SEN, kids whose behaviour was inappropriate, kids who had a head bump, kids whose parents think it’s appropriate to discuss the minutiae of the phonics curriculum at pick up time…. If you want to talk to the teacher about something ask to do that, otherwise take no news as good news and try and let one poorly judged comment wash over you.

Or maybe it really is just a cliquey and unfriendly school with difficult staff, in which case if it really upsets you I guess the question is do you have other options?

I don’t understand what doesn’t make sense!

Poster one - you don’t always know which children have SEN
Me - true, so let’s say all the children in the class have SEN. surely that’s more reason to be clear we’re not permitted in the classroom?

And I think the teacher made sense. That’s not what I’m saying!

I have tried to see it as no news is good news @Lucy5678 , thanks. The school has had a small surge in numbers and we’ve had a lot of reminders about this which aren’t always framed very positively!

I know that @HelpMeUnpickThis . I don’t have an issue with not going into the classroom, but if most of the class are and we’re not supposed to be then someone does need to explain that to me (I don’t mean confidential info, just ‘would you mind dropping DS at the gate; he seems quite happy!’ would be fine!)

Because they tried to go down the route of positive reinforcement of his already excellent progress instead. Which many would interpret as a nice way of doing it but you decided was a scolding.

They would prefer kids come in independently, it's easier for everyone in the long-run. Doesn't make it a rule. Which is why they haven't told off anyone, including you, for breaking the "rule".

We aren't allowed to walk ours over to the door, she was probably just encouraging your child in like a kind of back handed way i wouldn't read anything into it

@DappledThings ,the one deciding things is you tbh. You have decided a lot about both me and the teacher. That’s fine, but I don’t think there’s much to be gained by endlessly repeating ourselves. We’re not going to agree on this; might be best to move on.

I know, I tried to leave an hour ago but it kept drawing me back in. I really will leave you to it now. Hope you're able to take on the multiple voices saying you're overthinking and misinterpreting and can feel better about it

So happy to leave it as long as I listen to you and those who agree with you and not anyone else. It’s almost 50/50 re my unreasonableness so not a consensus by any means.

I am actually quite surprised by my own reaction to it and I think although it’s a relatively small thing it’s indicative of how things have been thus far. Probably why I’m not thrilled.

Indeed, but my hope that you listen to the voices reassuring you you haven't broken a rule or being told off so can feel better is genuine.

I may not have broken a rule but I was absolutely told off.

Ultimately OP I think it's really difficult to make a reasonable judgement of the school in only 2 weeks. I feel that your expectations of the family, open door, cosy environment that was promised are going to leave you wanting. All schools say lots of things to get children to enrol and yes they mean it - they want to be warm, cosy and have their open door policy and include parents but the reality of a school and how it operates on a day to day basis doesn't really allow for that most of the time. You've said there are a few other things that have made you feel disappointed since your DS started. I'd encourage you to give it some more time. Be led by how your DS feels about school and his responses to going in, coming home etc. Give the school and his teacher the benefit of the doubt for now. If your DS is happy, then surely that's all that matters.

Who is picking up your kid?

I assume he will be finishing soon

And will you discuss it with them?

You need to speak to the teacher

@Sunshineismyfavourite , you’re probably right and I have reminded myself of that. I knew it wasn’t going to be like nursery but just the same while I didn’t think or expect the teacher to be chatting to me happily at the end of the day I didn’t expect to feel unwelcome or as if my presence (and by default my child’s) is a great annoyance to be managed.

This morning isn’t the only part of that by the way. There have been other things, all tiny on their own but when you put them together do amount to a feeling and not a great one.

What is most upsetting to me is that it isn’t everybody; in other words it isn’t just the schools way. Some seem to be embraced with open arms and others aren’t and it does leave you with the feeling that perhaps they didn’t want DS. They certainly made me feel as though they did initially though so can’t help but wonder if I’ve done something wrong!

I do say in my OP that I’ve no intention of doing so!

I would also be annoyed.

But would probably clarify with them what I had done wrong if anything.

I’m in Australia at a lovely primary school and parents are in the classrooms every morning. They are all gone in time and it’s not disruptive at all, I love when I have enough time to take my 7yo in. So I don’t buy the ‘it’s too much confusion and people’

Give the school and his teacher the benefit of the doubt for now. If your DS is happy, then surely that's all that matters.

Agree...

And if he's having an off day, like many DC can and do, and wants you to walk him to the door, continue to do so, it's about making your DC feel safe, it's all new to him and it probably won't be long before he won't even want you near the gate.

All you need to do is be ready to explain to the teacher that your DS asked you to drop him off closer and instead of having him upset for the day in class you've chosen to do so.

It's not as though you'll be wanting to stay all day it's a quick drop off.

This your DC got some instant recognition for being a big boy and you've taken it as a slight you're really over thinking it and should be pleased your son doesn't need to be handed over. School isn't about you it's about him.

Do you feel better now, OP.
It was a boost for DS. He's a big boy.
You haven't done anything wrong, it is a big transition, there will be DC that get extra attention, that is part of school these days, some DC needs are more needy, they are inclusive of disabilities, sometimes it feels like others get more attention.
You only have to think about your DC feelings, teacher has to think of over 20.
Bringing him to the class could have regressed his progress too.
Keep your eye on things.

Before I retired, I worked in teacher training and often visited my students on practice. One school I visited several times had the policy that Reception parents - ALL of them - could bring the children into class, sit with them, etc. EVERY morning. This went on all year.

I estimated they lost more than 2 hours learning time per week because of this practice.

OP, the teacher thought it might make your son - who hadn't previously needed "settling" - regress and she was trying to head this off at the pass. She needs fewer and fewer children being "settled" in class, not more.

There are teachers present in the playground to rouse spirits and provide encouragement before classes start. That's exactly what the teacher was doing. Some mornings last year, my youngest benefitted from an extra push/hand hold/hug by a teacher in the playground. It made him trust them more. Heck I even saw one of them skipping with him. We have no issues now. He doesn't even look back.

You know when teachers complain about pressure from parents... This is what it looks like. They can't win if you're going to take issue with these small things that were innocently done for your child's benefit. You said other things have upset you, they might give people a better picture of why you feel how you do about the school.

That would irritate me too OP
I think if you want to ask her have you missed some communication that has gone out to all parents about bringing to the classroom?

If not you would appreciate her not singling you out on a rare day you get to walk him in.

Some, and I mean only some, teachers forget to adjust their tone when speaking to adults.

It is not unreasonable not to wish to feel at the end of her "tone" if she hasn't had her coffee yet!