Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

I think you need to get a grip. I literally sleep on the sofa because, since leaving my abusive ex and the hike in rental prices, I can’t afford a house with enough bedrooms. I know that children will judge us because ’dd’s mummy sleeps in the living room and their house is super cramped because there isn’t enough room’. Get over yourself.

Why don't you just be yourselves and marvel at all the good work you do for so many people in the NHS? I wonder if this super rich couple have made their money through philanthropic deeds or are they status signallers. It is very sad that you should feel like this about being eclipsed by someone else's money. Money and status are very shallow social markers and don't make a person better or not. Many people would love to be in your position financially. Why not reciprocate the play date and organise something a bit unique and querky - something arty/to do with nature/something money can't buy. I always find talk of status and money so vulgar. I live in a very rich area of the UK and the rich locals I have met are really stumped up people from industry or the wives of dead rich men who think expensive jewellery, drinks parties etc makes them better than you. Hold your head up high be yourselves, unique and proud of what you do everyday for other people.

Ah, "new money" and still getting used to it, eh? I wouldn't let that sort of thing bother me. Just invite the child to a playdate after lunch and if the parents insist ton coming too, fine. They can have tea and cake.

Can you just invite the child for a play and tea?

Also you should both be very proud of your jobs and what you can afford.

They’ll either judge you or they won’t and whether they do or not will entirely depend on them, not you.
Try not to care what others think of you, it’s very freeing.

This is one of the reasons why I wouldn't touch private school with a stick, our family wouldn't fit in because we're not rich.

I went to private school, in those days a Dr could send their kids to private school and pay the bills on just their salary alone. Crazy isn't it how things have gone?

Our family didn't fit in because my parents weren't doctors (or solicitors etc), funnily enough!

If you think they are money focussed do you think they just invited you round to show you their house? I am 100% sure this happened to us when my DD started school it was very odd. Never did reciprocate. Honestly if you don’t like them or don’t see you being friends with them, then don’t bother, you are thinking too much about this. If you child gets on with theirs offer to take their child out for the day or have them for a play. You really don’t need to have the whole family over.

It is funny, because I feel this way about my child's friends. The mother is also a Dr and works in accident and emergency, and her husband works in finance. They are extremely money oriented but I am fully aware that this will be fuelled by the husbands wage and not his wife's, however it must have rubbed off on her, because I can pick up vibes that they would rather their child not play with mine. Also the mother blanks me at the school gates, and gossips about me to her friends. We are not at a private school, just in a very wealthy catchment council school. Finance seems to attract some awful characters, yanbu to feel this way.

You’re way way overthinking this. Act normal and act like you would on any other play date.

We’re not rich and my kids are getting on brilliantly at private school. They don’t seem to be having any issues with friendships/fitting in. I think it very much depends on the type of school you choose.

Also - second this! There is always one private school hating post isn’t there!! My DD attends private school and it’s amazing. We are not doctors or solicitors.

We own the smallest, crappiest house in a nice area. I felt a bit like you do but without the trappings of being a doctor, married to a doctor and having money for private education.
Our kids are grown now, but when they were at school and particularly teens, the house was stuffed to the gunwales with kids and joy, and laughter and noise. Ours seemed to be the house that they all gathered, and I positively encouraged it... come round, make your own pizzas for tea... we're doing toasted marshmallows and hot chocolate in the garden, do you want to come... painting the shed on Saturday, everyone can grab a brush, wear old clothes or we have some overalls.

If they are young have some digestive biscuits, chocolate, marshmallows, jellybeans... (and an old shirt to wear over their clothes), make a monster face for Halloween

Do different stuff and kids will always talk about the fun they had, not the house they had it in.

If you send your children to a fee paying school, surely you must have realised that they'd be mixing with people considerably wealthier than you? Why do you feel anxious? They're rich, that doesn't make them better than you! Invite them over for a lunch or bbq and let the kids play in the garden - or just ask if their little one would like to come over for the afternoon and play. You don't have to socialise with them if you don't want to - the children can still be friends.

You are limiting yourself @partytimed by your own preconceptions which are probably entirely false.

Yes some parents will be dicks, they are at every school. These parents could be rich dicks. What probably happened is that they might have been talking about stuff they know, a bit like when the Drs in my family drone talk about the NHS for a huge amount of time.

I went to private school, some of my mates lived in small terraced houses, some had huge houses. One of my friends actually lived in a 'hall' with 'wings' for guests. DC don't care.

Please stop this, as you will pass it on to your DC. You already have a kind of moral high ground as you went down the medical route. A lot of people will find your intellect very intimidating.

Invite them round or just the DC

I’ve felt this. My son didn’t go to a few paying school but he did go to a top state school where a lot of his friends had bigger and nicer houses than us and now is at a top 10 university where a lot of his friends did go to fee paying school. His first girlfriend at uni came from a family that had multiple houses and a yacht! We live in a perfectly respectable 3 bed semi in a nice village, but it’s small compared to what all his friends have.
We’ve lived here since we got married 25 years ago and we have now paid off the mortgage, but we’re not diy people and the house is looking a bit shabby.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people either take us as we are or they’re not the kind of people we want to socialise with. Hopefully my son feels the same way and will continue to bring friends and girlfriends home with him.

My daughter is autistic and gets very anxious about hvaing people in our home so I always take children out instead - park/ playground/ cafe etc

btw she LOVES the much smaller homes/flats some of her friends have -

I would just reciprocate the invitation. If they judge you for being less well off than they are, that's on them, not you.

Whereas you are responsible for real people’s lives, you’ve got more years of education and you have seen things no one should ever see, let alone deal with.
We joke about doctors having god complexes and sometimes they do come across like that, for good reason though.
Take this (inferiority complex) as a sign you’re not quite secure in yourself, try and get to the bottom of it. I’m with your husband, I wouldn’t (and didn’t) care if they live in mansions and have money coming out of their ears. I’d be more preoccupied with what kind of kids are they raising, and would I want my child to be friends with them.

You're doctors say you are too busy and just have the kiddies on a play date.

My friends daughter goes to a fee paying school. They are middle class and live well but stretch to make the school fee. Their daughter has made good friends with a girl who lives the life of Riley. I am talking private jets, holidays every term, collecting in sports cars worth more than my house.

Her friends sleeps over and hangs out with them too and it hasnt caused a single issue so far. Some are richer. Some are poorer. Its life!

Rich people need friends too. Or at least to know the families of children that their child is at school with.

surely as a doctors you see people from all backgrounds and you know there is more to life than a giant house (but it might help)

Just don't respond like for like, the reality is, you don't actually like them. It's not the wealth you mind, it's the ostentatious bragging - how weird to bring up his salary at a casual first lunch together. So, to be polite and for the kids, invite the child/children to something. The reality is, if they'd been a bit more humble/less ostentatious then you wouldn't have minded reciprocating, presumably because that would have made them more likeable and more your kind of people. Some people do brag about salaries, what they've bought, the cost of things - it's annoying and shallow, you're entitled to not want to hang around that, so don't invite them over. Otherwise you'll be starting a friendship with people whose company you don't enjoy.

It’s all in your head, the worry. They won’t care about your house, at all. All they want is for their kid to be looked after, and have a fun play date!

Exactly this. By now, people from your DC class will know roughly what your salaries are. We are similar to you but also do private work. My DC friends parents are all in finance too. I did wonder if the wealth disparity would be too much but it’s been fine. I grew up abroad and my parents were in finance so I was one of those kids but my parents always made sure we knew never to judge or show off. There is an interview with Obama where he talks about walking into rooms with big, important people and feeling like you don’t belong but once you speak to these people you realise they’re just normal folk (I’m paraphrasing but you get the gist). We live in a flat in London and DC friends either live in mansions or bigger flats around the school. It’s okay. Try not to get in your own head about it.