Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

@partytimed
I’ve been in exactly your position.
I invited them round. I did me. It was really hard. But I made it very clear that as a medic in the nhs earnings we’re never going to g to be millions.
But being a medic was the most important thing to me.
For without health what do any of us actually have?
Be proud of who you are and what you believe in.
Life is not about what you own, it’s about the imprints you make to others.

The Royal family are rich by general standards. Their children go to schools like Eton where there are children who are utterly, unbelievably rich. The Beckhams have a yacht worth several million. Their DILs parents have a yacht worth a hundred and something million. There's always someone with more money than someone else.

Kids really do not care. I went to a fee paying school whilst living in a small house with a single mother. It is only looking back that I am really aware of the massive chasm between my home (2 bed cottage) and some of my friends (mansion and titles). It didn't matter to me at the time (or now) at all. And if the parents are nice people, it won't matter to them either.

And if they are not nice people, then you won't want to hang out with them again anyway!

You’re being a bit of a dick. There will be mums/parents who visit your house and are deeply intimidated by you both being Drs, or something else. Welcome to the world where you are not the prettiest, richest, cleverest, funniest, sexiest, poshest in the room. Suck it up buttercup, and return the hospitality.

They might feel overwhelmed living in such a big house in terms of cleaning and maintenance. Maybe they’re looking to downsize and seeing your practical more manageable house will give them the final push to do so

OP I think you really need to suck this up.

You are on a slippery slope and at the bottom is your child growing up to be ashamed of you!!!!

Do you really want your child to be ashamed of your home and your background in a few years time? If not you need to show them that there's absolutely no issue.

Just invite them over. If you still don't get along, don't do it again.
You're obviously well off yourselves, sending your DC to an expensive school, of course you will meet very rich people. It doesn't need to be a competition. If you wish to go through life being the rich ones, might I suggest a struggling comp instead.

I get this! People always compare despite them saying they won't - it's human nature.
However I agree with PP that you underestimate your social capital as doctors.

My advice is that it won't be as bad as you think. Just treat them like any other guest and you'll be fine. They are coming to see your DS not the house!

If there were a genuine emergency, literally life or death, say a serious accident, who would step in and actually be able to help?

Someone who works in finance, or you, a highly trained medical professional?

You are far more valuable to society than the finance people. Stop feeling embarrassed. This is one of those rare situations in life where you can pull the intellect card and use it!

Stop feeling intimidated, you're a doctor, you got skills!

They're just an expensive ornament. Nice to look at, with their expensive cars and big houses. But they're of no actual use to anyone.

Halloween is coming up. Ask them would they like to come round for a playdate or maybe you could go pumpkin-picking or trick-or-treating together. Ime wealthier areas are crap for trick-or-treating because the houses are too far apart and not that many people make an effort. Terraces/rows of semi-detached are the best because lots of neighbours seem to get into the spirit.

I think you have to be very careful that you do not pass this on to your children. That they are allowed to feel pride around their home, life and family. They will pick up on your insecurity and feel like the junior party all of the time.

I am on the other side of this, and had many a friend apologising for their home etc, and it is mortifying because I really don’t care, I care about people’s character not on the investment portfolio. My children love going to their friend’s homes. Everyone enjoys a Sunday toast made for them with care.

In your place unless you want to have an adult friendship with them, I would probably avoid the family lunches. I have found whole family friendships invaluable, over the years, especially when the dc become teens. It is worth thinking through if you are just resistant because you are comparing. It will certainly open doors for your child to travel with them, ski and have fun experiences. I would invite them early evening with candle light. Give some thought re the children and what would be fun.

Halloween is always a great excuse for a spooky supper. That way you could make it light hearted and possibly even outside as we have done in the past.

This is totally a you thing. You come across as rather judgemental. So what if they have a big house? If you don't really know them, you have no idea of the background to their lifestyle. You are doing the very thing that you assume they are doing.

You also seem a bit ashamed of your own achievements, why is that? Stop comparing what you have to others and work on your self esteem. You know it doesn't matter what other people think of you. Don't saddle your children with your own insecurities.

If your kids get on then just invite the kids over for a play date (and offer whichever parent drops the child off to stay for a coffee if you’re so inclined). You don’t have to reciprocate the social event- you’re not even friends yet.

I have friends from all sorts of tax brackets- that’s the norm when you work in professional industries. Some of my friends tend to host more because they have a better house for hosting, and we contribute in other ways (bringing dishes, drinks, helping to set up).

But I would never let the fact someone has a bigger house than me stop me from inviting them over- then again, I wouldn’t have friends who judge the size of my house. As long as it’s fairly clean and welcoming, that’s all that matters.

There are so many more things in life to be giving your thoughts to than this!

I grew up as the poorer child at a fee paying school.

Firstly you dont have to reciprocate with the same offer! Even if you had loadsamoney you have different interests and strengths. You can think what else do you like doing and reciprocate with a different offer- including a picnic in the park etc.
Secondly you don't have to do playdates at all! It is fine not to. I had plenty of friends who had me over but we didn't really have as many friends back. Just a busier life for my parents. They will still be friends. The question is do you want the parents as friends and if not focus on the kids. Lots of people don't every host playdates. That's fine. Everyone is different. No one will think is rude as long as you continue to be friendly.

Thirdly hold your head up- you are both really hardworking people trying to do the best for your kids.

Ironically as my kids got older, they stopped inviting friends to ours very often because they were self conscious about the fact that our house is bigger than their friends/they have lots of stuff (esp tech). There was some nastiness early on in secondary school with one friend from another school (they deliberately and repeatedly trashed/broke xbox accessories) and it really soured things for my kids. My eldest developed a real hang up about her middle class privilege - not helped by social media during lockdown.

I can see that most of their current friends could care less, but it means my DC only bring really really close friends who’ve they’ve known a long time now, ie people they feel safe from judgment about.

Honestly, I’d take a deep breath and let this kid come over to play. What they’ll take away is the warmth of the home and their mate’s parents’ welcome. They’ll remember having a great time and being treated with pizza or whatever. The parents will likely have worried themselves over whether you judge them as being shallow or materialistic in the face of seeing their big home, worried you wouldn’t like them as a consequence. I’d show them that you take all people as you find them [and expect that to be reciprocated] by inviting this kid back with a warm smile.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

So they are money focused - and you're not? You said they're lovely so maybe that's ok? Can you make it ok? Can you think of things about yourself and your circumstances that you are proud of? You don't want this insecurity to carry over to your kids.

My DCs went to a very small exclusive private primary school due to family connections while we lived in a tiny flat on barely more than minimum wage. Yes, there were parents who were snobby, but we avoided each other. There were plenty of parents with more money but they were nice people and our kids are still friends.

If you're this obsessed with who has the most money, why send your kids to a private school? You're going to make things difficult for them because of your issues.

Own your status OP.

you live in a smaller house to give your child bigger opportunities.

you live differently because you were raised differently.

don’t lie. Don’t pretend.

be honest.

I’m on min wage. My friend is on 100k+ a yr. we’re great friends our kids grew up differently but adore each other. Why? Because I couldn’t give a fuck about her situation vs mine.

if I started to judge I could start with the very simple I’m debt free and more free than she is with half million mortgage. She wishes she could be where I’m at and I wish I could have a bigger place but whatever, that’s normal but also irrelevant because we share a lot of cultural values, good education, manners, not into flashy labels etc etc and that’s what’s important. Not the money you can throw on bricks and mortar.

Even if they are snobs, I expect they will still like you because you are both doctors. Like a pp says, you have a lot of social capital from this.

Not reciprocating would be incredibly rude

Unless this couple came from inherited wealth, then the likelihood is, they had to start somewhere themselves! They may have started life in a 2 bedroomed house, and as career prospects improved and earned more money, they moved up the housing ladder. Unless you know their background, then you have no idea. Personally, I wouldn't allow this to worry me, invite them over. If they stick their nose in the air, and you feel they're judging you, then you know not to continue playdates in the future. Yes, some wealthy people can be snobby but others are down to earth.

As a kid, I remember if I had a good time at my friend's house, I couldn't care less what size it was, I'm not sure I even noticed! I would have remembered if we made pizzas, or they had a trampoline etc, some of the smallest houses were the most fun!

They may just want their child to have good friendships. This is about your child's friends, not your social standing or anxiety about it.

You could arrange to pick this child up from their house for the playdate and drop her back. You don't have to have the playdate at your house either, you could do an activity somewhere else if that would make it easier.

OP, obviously you know yabu here. If you can’t cope with people having a higher income than you and make decisions that might negatively affect your child because of it, that’s on you. There’s absolutely no point in wasting time trying to work out whether they are judging you or showing off by inviting you all round (seems really unlikely)- you are hugely overthinking everything as a result of your own insecurity. If you can’t cope with your child having richer friends, why on earth did you send her to an independent school?

Maybe think of it this way- you’re all massively rich by both world standards, and you’re also rich by UK standards. What a waste of everyone’s time for you to be silly about how many bedrooms they have compared to you. How nasty you’re being trying to grub around for evidence that they’re actually horrible and therefore you can justify staying in your comfort zone. Time to woman up and stop blaming others for your own insecurities and choices.

I went to a school where I was one of the least affluent, my parents were middle class, public sector employees. My parents never addressed the wealth disparity with my peers and I was self conscious and embarrassed by our modest house, small car etc. it got worse as I grew older. I think if you are going to do this, you will have to over time talk to your children about it, boost their confidence and help them to focus on what really matters - intellectual/artistic pursuits, kindness, real friendship, politeness etc. I feel in my case that in the absence of my parents talking to me and addressing the issue, I developed a veneer of confidence but never really felt it meaningfully. Your own situation may be very different but I just wanted to share this.