Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

Damn I felt this… I was one of the ‘poorer ones’ at a private school and it took my parents everything they had and then some to cover the fees.

Do NOT reciprocate. Maybe the parents aren’t judgey, maybe they are, but kids!? Children can be VICIOUS!!! It’ll be all over the school that X lives in a tiny house with no pool etc and not loud mouth gossiping about it like at a state school, it’ll be little whispers and discreet judgement because that’s how private schools operate.

You’re both doctors with busy AF schedules, so to not reciprocate is easy and not rude - if it ever comes up just say it’s so hard to host what with being ‘on call’ as you may have to leave urgently. Do play dates and family days out instead!

When my kids went to a state school a lot of my children’s friends reciprocated by inviting them to bowling or a day out instead of a play date at their house, or just never reciprocated. I felt that this was because we live in a massive (falling down) house so they felt embarrassed at their own (we live in a poor area). It was such a shame; my kids just wanted to play at theirs (the kids would ask their mums if mine could come and play; I do think it was an adult issue). Now they’re at private school, which like you, takes every spare penny. Their house is now hugely inferior to their mega rich friends - but honestly? No one cares. Like you, we have public sector, googlable pay so our circumstances can’t come as a surprise…

OP did you not consider this when you applied for the school? Given that it takes your entire salary, not just a fraction of it, didn't you think that you'd likely be in the bottom end of somewhere like that?

The prestige and contacts of the school were probably part of the benefits for your children, so you can't now be intimidated by that surely??

Your children are likely going to be around many other wealthy people, so I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to it somehow, unless you want them to be friendless.

Personally I don’t see what’s wrong with earning good money and having a lovely house. Someone has to pay whopping taxes to keep the NHS going and, if this family run a company, company tax and income tax are needed to pay doctors and their huge pensions. Of course parents won’t all gel but this feels like these parents have been branded as enemies. They might even employ people and give a lot to charities. Not liking people on first meeting is utterly childish when you chose a school knowing you will meet parents better off than you.

Yes, I see what you're saying. It absolutely IS written from the point of view of "this was sad for my son." Because it was. He had feelings too, even if he did live in a "big house" (not something that had even registered with him at that age, but hey.)

The main point of my post wasn't that kids don't care about big house/small house stuff - although that's obviously true. The point was that kids shouldn't be excluded from playdates because their house is bigger. All they know is that they don't get asked to their friend's house, and that makes them sad. DS loved his friend and was keen to visit him and meet the pets that he'd talked about, etc etc.

Of course there are many more "heart-breaking" tales in the world. It would be a nice world if there weren't! Doesn't mean it didn't upset DS. He did ask me whether we were going to go INSIDE the house (great excitement) at the time when we dropped stuff off to his friend, and I had to say no and disappoint him - should probably have mentioned that bit. And it did strike me as really sad, because actually that was such a small ask and it would have meant a lot to him. And I don't think it was an unreasonable expectation, either, after his friend had been to our house so often over several years.

His friend was brilliant and they loved hanging out together. So I don't think that I was failing to take his feelings into account. The parent's feelings? Yes, maybe. I don't know what their feelings were at all. But I did think that it was a bit strange of them to accept so many playdates at our house and never invite DS back. Personally, I wouldn't do that, or at least not without giving a reason why I couldn't. (The reason I mentioned DS's good behaviour was to make it clear that this wasn't a case of some feral kid who didn't get invited because he chewed up carpets and crapped on the dining table - which can be a suspicion when you hear that kids don't get invited on playdates!)

TL:DR: privileged kids can also be upset by social exclusion.

I'd only reciprocate if you want to to be honest? Do you like doing play dates with this person? If you reciprocate you're sending the message that you enjoy the playdates and want them to continue.

I mean is it just this family or are most of the children in your class living in mansions?

If you feel like this as an adult, I wonder how your children feel? They will be aware that others have more than them but might not understand why. I would be careful they don't internalise this as them being less worthy.

The plus side of not having as much as others is that it helps you learn very quickly who the decent people are to be friends with. Speaking from personal experience.

I really wouldn’t put any importance on what the parents think, if they are really judging you because of the size of your home www that’s on them. If they are going so far as to comment on your normal house on the playground then that’s reflects poorly on them and certainly not on you. There is more to life than money and a big house and hopefully they understand this otherwise what a sad life they will have! A play date is more about the kids having a nice time together, and honestly when they’re little, they don’t even bother about things like that! I wouldnt worry and id hold my head high!! Xx

Honestly you need to give your head a wobble - I sincerely hope you don’t chat utter rubbish like this in front of your children. My children go to private school and the parents are a wide variety. There are parents killing themselves to afford it and parents who have grandparents paying the bill, we have a lottery winner (no joke), generational wealth and then people who have really good businesses or jobs as well. You only have to watch all the cars on a morning, there are ridiculously expensive cars and also old bangers and every car in between. My children have been to much bigger houses than ours and also smaller houses than ours and guess what? Nobody cares. You sound like you have judged them for being apparently ‘wealthy’ but don’t want them to judge you for being less so (in your words). Why don’t you just stop letting comparison be the thief of joy and let your children enjoy their friends? One of my closest school Mum’s has a house straight out of Hello magazine with a swimming pool as well, I just think my children are incredibly lucky to get to spend time in these amazing surroundings. By the same token, her children enjoy spending time at my house, despite my lack of swimming pool, because they just want to be with their friends and apparently I make the best pancakes and waffles so…….
You’re a highly educated individual so get that bag of spuds off your shoulder, you’ll feel much better.

HUGE PENSIONS

THEY MIGHT EVEN EMPLOY PEOPLE

🤣☠️🤣 Dying

Just invite the child for something out like cinema, ice skating etc. It is not hard to think of ideas of things to do out of the house.

You say they’re money focussed but reading this it seems to be you who is money focussed.

Honestly I know lots of rich people and they’re just the same. Although talking about his salary is werid. I’d see this as thier insecurity. I wouldn’t stress. Inviting whole family for lunch was nice, but I wouldn’t feel obligated to reciprocate this, just host a normal play date. Or do the lunch but don’t stress about wealth inequalities. Honestly I’ve hung out with very wealthy people (hundreds of millions) and they’re really not that different. Unless they are snobbish pricks in which case cut them off after that.

It would feel rude not to reciprocate.

But you don't need to feel you must do what they did.

What do the kids like ? Running around in the park or on the beach screaming, playing ball games, animals and nature walks, quieter things like art and reading - what are they like?

Plan something they'd enjoy. Something different they'd remember.

Halloween trick or treating, Bonfire night party?

They’ll already know. Try not to worry and get ot over with.

I would feel intimidated by you @partytimed . As a sahm with a university degree but nothing complicated, def not medecine, I would feel inferior to you intellectually. But that wouldn't stop me from making an effort for my child.

Why do you think it has to be a mirror invitation? Tell the mum you want to take the girls out for a movie/theater/softplay and restaurant and then you have reciprociated!

In all honesty, I’d be judging them on their lack of self awareness. It’s impolite and pretty vulgar to brag about wealth.

Everyone’s circumstances are different and you can’t always tell what goes on
behind closed doors. Having a huge home often comes with a huge mortgage, fancy cars are often on lease, you can be asset rich and cash poor. Money also doesn’t buy happiness.

Concentrate and be proud of on your own fortunate circumstances. You are comfortable & providing your child with a great start in life. Return the play date, let the kids have a good time and if they judge you? It says a lot more about them than you.

If you choose to keep your kid to that school you have to go and also invite parents to your place! One of the main reasons I didn’t send my kids to a private school (even though I could secure 50% off the fees from a relative and we also have a fairly good household income, nothing crazy but around £200k+) is that I wanted my kids to relate the other. I was able to keep friendships all along from primary school to uni, and I love have all these people still in my life! I felt that if the kids in that private school which are super rich (mil/bil level) then my kid won’t be able to keep these friendships in the future due to the social gap. So I chose, public school instead.

Just say you are having work done on the house so will do a play date at a venue instead. There is nothing worse than being judged on your house and I’d do anything I could to prevent it. The thought of being the token ‘poor person’ for their child to understand gratitude through. Nope.

@ISpyNoPlumPie You obviously have no idea about taxation, economics and the pensions doctors deceive where the state contributes in excess of 25%. Wealthy people pay more tax and might have to fund their own pensions entirely. Anyone with dc at private school will be making some contribution to society. Not all can claim the high moral ground as doctors do. However we should never forget they don’t pay themselves. It’s a two way thing. You probably need to understand nhs funding and the need for a growth economy before you have a go at me. Doctors pensions are gold plated and the best you can get. They are funded 2/3 by the state. That’s the rest of us.

How old are your kids?

We are in a very similar situation, the poorest by far (although in the grand scheme of things doing ok enough to be paying the fees so we’re definitely more fortunate than a lot of people). My dd is young and I refuse to let her feel like we’re less than the others because our house or car is smaller. I would reciprocate, who cares if they judge you. Otherwise you’re teaching your child/ren to grow up with a massive chip on the shoulder, when in fact they are among the most well off in society.

There will always be people richer and people poorer than you, but it’s going to be a very long school journey if you are constantly worried about this and holding your child back from making good friends out of fear of being judged.

If they do judge you, do you really want to be friends with people like that?
Why does it matter? You are who you are, they are who they are. There's no changing that. They either accept you as you are, or don't. It's no skin off your back either way, surely? Plus, it might not even happen. You're overthinking it.

I suggest that you mentally judge them for being parasites who leech money off hard-working families, while you smile inwardly and bask in doing incredibly important and valuable work that saves lives.
It’s what I did in that situation 😀.

Is this you projecting? Do you look down your nose at kids at state schools? Love in terrace houses? Or flats?

Ironically in my experience the uber wealthy aren’t the snobby ones!

Don't know if it helps but I'd secretly feel not good enough for you! (much cleverer and more successful than me!). Wouldn't stop me inviting your child round if our kids got on.

My son went to a school where the families had second homes in Cornwall, massive houses, household name parents. The nice kids like coming round to my normal house even though they're adults now.

If you wouldn't look down on other people's lifestyles why should they look down on yours?