Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

This is a play date, it is about your kids, not you, and you need to stop making it all about you and putting your feelings above your children’s. So you need to suck it up. I had to do the same and it’s fine.

Our house is smaller than most of my DD’s friends and one of them even has a swimming pool. I’m not embarrassed, I just accept some people have more money than others! However, OP seems to be bothered by it so might have felt more comfortable at a school where they would be seen as the affluent parents.

One of DD's friends is minted, because the mum is someone who became famous, and made a lot of money via work BUT you couldn't meet more down to earth people. They don't care who has what, just that their children have a nice mix of friends. Perhaps tried to look out for those ones at your school, not everyone with money was born into it, and in my experience the ones who've become well off through work rather than inheritance and generally a lot nicer to hang with that the really posh lot.

Yes they notice differences, but I don't think their takeaway judgment is always big house good, small house bad.

Many adults don't think that way either. They see lawns to be mown and extra guttering to clear and cost of heating ...

If they judge you then they’re arseholes. You’re both hard working doctors in the NHS. Worth far more respect than a big house and a pool imo.

Having said that, you don’t have to do the play date at home - you could take them to a trampoline park or farm or something? Sorry you feel so bad about it.

YABVU. You must know that you are very financially privileged compared to most of the population (for good reason obviously as you do an important job). How would you feel if a friend of your child's whose parents were cleaners or bus drivers or whatever felt they did not want to reciprocate because they thought you would judge them. You might feel they were making an unfair assumption hey.

Honestly don’t worry about it. If they’re good people they won’t give a damn and if they do care, well they’re not worth worrying about. We have quite a few seriously wealthy friends and honestly don’t feel remotely bad about having them to stay etc.

If children are judging others by the money the parents have, that's on the parents - that's learned behaviour - and I'd try to give them a wide birth.
Snobbery comes in many forms, and I know some people who are absolute snobs despite not being particularly wealthy - some people just bolster themselves up by looking down on anyone they can find to look down on.

This - there's a level of privilege being able to spend an entire salary on school fees rather than needing it for housing, clothing, food, bills etc.

Good lord. My DD went to a prep school and was friends with some very well off families. We lived with my parents in a normal 4 bed house to pay for it! Many fun times were had both at their big posh places and our not so posh place - not one person ever judged us or raised it. They are still close friends and it taught me a lesson - I was worried initially about moving her to a prep because of the snobby aspect, in reality the state school she had been attending was far more unfriendly. Her years at prep were wonderful.

They probably have their own insecurities. Show your kids that friendship doesn’t have wealth boundaries. Sorry to pull the ‘do it for the kids’ card but that’s what these things are all about aren’t they? You don’t want your kids to stop getting invited to stuff because you didn’t reciprocate.

All the kids care about is food etc. And everyone has something they’re paranoid about- we used to be told we were the biggest house on the road when I was a kid and I’d go out of my way explaining it was joined onto another house etc so there’s a chance they feel paranoid too!! Also you’re both doctors!! I’d be thinking oh god they’re all so smart!!! Don’t let it interfere with your children having fun

My kids went to Private school and had friends whose parents were very wealthy and had massive houses while we lived in a semi. At that time I drove a bashed up RAV 4 and parked up next to Bentleys and Maseratis at pick up time. I didn’t care what anyone else thought.
They wont care either and if they do they aren’t the people you want your kids around anyway. If you show your kids that you are embarrassed about your means then they will be too.

Really???

Wouldn't worry op. End of the day you're doing a great job, food on table. Roof over their head. IF and that's IF they talk, who cares? Are they paying your bills? Food on your table? No, you and your husband are. Let them talk IF they do.

You can also take them for out of home activities like cinema, go karts etc. Maybe as this first time.

There is a lot that I miss about having young children but socialising with people I didn't really have anything in common with isn't one of them.

My closest 2 friends when my children were very young were both well off financially (one was married to a high earner and the other had a very wealthy father) but they were both very down to earth people who didn't talk about money.

Just invite them over (for the kids sake), see if they do spend a lot of time talking about money and laugh about it afterwards! You may find you have things in common, you never know.

Take them to a central Libaty. Enroll them- if you know their address. Get them involved in the community activities- they often have art and crafts for youngsters going on.
seriously. I used to an uhnw nanny and my families couldn’t believe all this was available, were very appreciative and even read the library books to their children at night. - all right that only happens the first night the books are home but it was humbling for me to see how much it meant to them and how much they valued this experience of their children being part of their community.
another thing which they may like are community acting activities, especially if it results in a show at the enc. IIts amazing to see how the children grow and how much the parents value the experience for their children.
Also, picking/ purchasing fruit and veg and you go to your home and make jam/ chutney and children make labels and gift cards for their family.
we really enjoyed things like this and as their nanny I liked helping them to grow within their community

In the kindest possible way - get a grip OP!

You and your DH are out there making a difference to society in jobs that really matter and you're worried about what a shallow-sounding group of parents think about your house?

Focus on what matters - health and happiness. Invite the kids around, make it happy for everyone and enjoy it!

I was going to say the same!

Just focus on the kids and what they want to do.

I've been there. If you want to maintain the veneer of peer socio-economic standing, choose a venue away from home and suck up the one-off cost.

It's not about vanity but about limiting the chance that your children will be bullied at school due to having a smaller home. Bullying is even more prevalent at private schools and often isn't handled effectively due to the profit motive and aversion to reputational damage.

Pony up the cash for an activity based playdate.

But you’re judging them?

I was the kid in the massive house. I doubt they will judge you. The kid just wants to have fun.

If they invited you for lunch the chances are they were sussing out if they think you can all be friends. if it didn't click then really, from now on, it's polite and friendly. Arragne something more casual to start with to reciprocate but it doesn't have to be the full lujnch.

My sister is the super rich, super hospitable person who could be this other family. Yes, she's been super wealthy for a long time now and does tend to forget how other people live BUT.... I can 100% say with certainty that if you invite her to your three bed terraced house, she will turn up and enjoy hanging out. And that her interest in you would be far more about the kind of person you are and the things you're interested in than how much money you have.

Where you might struggle longer term is, of course, all her social plans are more expensive - her holidays are expensive, her dinners out are expensive etc etc etc, which means dooing those things with her might be challenging. And so her closest friends are all at a similar financial level to her.

But it doesn't sound like this family are going to become your besties so why not just be friendly and pleasant as it is? I'v emet loads of people from her DC's school who are more like what you seem to be - at various bigger parties etc where all the DC's friends and families are invited.

When I was very little, like 5 or 6, I had a friend at school I was very fond of. We had a couple of playdates, and then the playdates just stopped.

Much later my mum told me that the other little girl's family were clearly uncomfortable that we were more comfortably off. We weren't super rich or anything, but we lived in a 3 bedroom semi and they were in a council flat and so there was a financial gap. Apparently the other mum didn't feel comfortable having me over after seeing our house, and so wouldn't let her daughter invite me over either. It probably seemed to us like our parents didn't really want us to be friends, and that made the friendship drift apart. The other mum apparently changed her attitude and behaviour to us as soon as she picked her child up from our house the first time, suddenly became quite awkward around my parents and gave off a sense of 'this isn't for the likes of us'. My mum said (to me as an adult years later) that she was sad about it but there wasn't anything she could do.

My point is: don't let that happen to your child and her friendship because of something that is probably in your own head.

You don't have to like the parents or think they are your sort of people, and you don't need to have them round or be friends with them, just invite the kid straight from school. Sure they'll see your house at pickup, but so what?

Is this a serious suggestion? I'm sure they won't care, really OP you need to get a grip. There will always be someone with more money than you and you shouldn't let that affect how you feel. The fact your child is at a private school is a huge accomplishment and you're already ahead (financially) than most. Host your childs friend and don't be so nervous! They won't even be thinking about your finances but more about their child and how you treat them etc.

I have 3 kids at independent school and they have friends with houses so much bigger than our 3 bed semi ex-council house, ours is the smallest house of all of their friends. Had a similar concern when eldest was first starting.

I would say invite them over asap - 99% of parents will not care what size your house is (and it's not your problem if they do). I wouldn't want my kids to be embarrassed that we have less money or a small house.

You will find parents and families that you are close with and although our house is smallest my teenage daughter has her friends over and to stay a lot more than most of her friends as we are close to town and happy to give lifts, and let them camp out in the living room.