Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school.

This is the core of it.

The only answer I have is : you can't control what other people do and talk about, and what they think is actually ..... non of your business.

On the vanishingly rare occasions I've come across the super powerful and rich nowadays I find it intimidating too, but try to keep in mind that in the end we're all just well developed monkeys in a tribe and that much excess money is somewhat laughable.

The most powerful man I knew, lovely lovely man, kept his role under wraps for three years before it crept out. He was jaw droppingly rich but turned up on his bicycle week in and week out and related to people just as people.

‘Hi Janet, thanks so much for having us over. Beautiful home! We’d love to reciprocate when we have a spare minute! So busy!’ Never mention it again.

You should do the play date. You said they seemed perfectly nice ( before you saw their house) and I assume they like you or wouldn’t have invited you to their place … give it a try and if it turns out that you guys aren’t going to be the best of friends just leave it there

Well that's very mean spirited. They won't care. Wealthy people don't. They have what they have, they are aware that might not make them friends as there is a horrible undercurrent of envy and spite towards anyone with anything in the UK. They are obviously really happy that your dcs are friends. It's about the dcs not the house size. You are the one doing the judging.

Oh this is the worst advice of all!
Mentioning the house, promising to reciprocate, not coming through on it.

In a similar situation, in that by a bit of luck live in a very wealthy part of London.

I think perhaps you may be uncomfortable as you are not as wealthy. On the whole though am
not sure that people really think of other people that much. there will be richer, there will be poorer, people are at the end of the day people.

Invite them over, to take the stress out of it, have a simple kitchen lunch. Shove a large chicken in the oven, serve it with the white crusty bread from M &. S and a selection of their side bits (easy to cater for allergies at M&S as well).

Our kids are at independent school and we have more modest incomes than a lot of the other parents (earn less than Keir Starmer and Bridget Phillipson with all their "broadest shoulders" bullshit... 🙄)

At any school state or independent there are a range of economic circumstances, your kids are going to make friends with people with more and less money than you, bigger and smaller houses than you - and of course somebody in the year will need to have the biggest house and the most money and someone the smallest and the least 🤷‍♂️

If you're only willing for them to socialise with kids in a very similar socioeconomic bracket to you that is unrealistic, impractical and frankly not very fair.

This other family have invited your family into their home, and provided lunch with a play date. That sounds lovely and very kind and generous of them. If they served caviar and oysters that doesn't mean you need to...but extending the same level of hospitality and friendliness would be nice.

It sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder you need to get over - if you don't it's your kids that will suffer.

Wealthy people aren't one homogeneous group. Some won't judge but some will. I know a wealthy couple who are absolutely vile about those with less than them.

This wouldn't bother me. State school and some parents I've mixed with are wealthy to this extent also. You are overthinking it. If they are nice people and it's enjoyable then see how you feel afterwards. You might change your mind. If not just invite the child back next time 🤠 good luck.

I think in these situations op, the thing is to try to do the right thing, and for me that would be returning hospitality and giving the children a nice time.

I don't think you need to reciprocate like for like, just a gesture. Given you clearly feel awkward about it, don't stress yourself about asking them into your home. But make sure you extend a nice invitation of some sort. That's all that's needed.

If they only asked you over because they wanted a gander round your house, then they are going to be disappointed. You don't need to worry about that.

But if they asked you over to try to connect with a family their son would like to be friends with, then you have helped them achieve that by offering to take him to the zoo, the cinema, Go-Ape - whatever. Some of those outings could even be a family outing, inviting the parents as well. They chose what worked for them given they had a pool and probably help preparing the catering etc; you choose what works for you.

I’ve been both sides of this equation and would never judge. Nor, in my experience, would others.

Much worse is not to reciprocate at all.

We have a few GP friends and they are usually great party animals and we love their company!

The chances are they won't judge you. And on the slight chance they do judge you, if they are money and connections focused then they won't say anything to other parents at school because they won't want to lose their image.

For what it's worth when my DD was little, where we lived bordered an affluent part of our city so her nursery had children from a mix of different backgrounds. Her very best friend lived in a 5 bedroom period property with a massive garden. We lived in a tiny 2 up 2 down. There was absolutely zero judgement, they were always happy to come for playdates at ours, and they always welcomed DD with open arms at theirs. Our relationship was very small talk as well. But it was fine. Not all social relationships need to be close 😊

I absolutely, 100% get it OP. We are in the same boat. Our DS goes to a fee paying school and in order to make this happen, we have had to sacrifice a lot. He has school friends with mansions and estates (!!) and we live in a 2 bed flat. At first I felt very uncomfortable having friends round, but 2 things to consider- Firstly, most kids absolutely don't notice the size of each others houses- they just want to mess around and have fun.
Secondly- rich people are not generally only friends with other rich people. Do you think everyone they ever associate with live in mansions? No of course not. They realise they are fortunate and in the few, and if they were only friends with rich people, the pool to choose from would be very small. They are very unlikely to judge you on your house. I, for one, am very impressed that you are both doctors and would find this intimidating!
I have swallowed my pride and my child has a great social life, I have made some lovely mum friends this way- one of them even took us to their holiday home! Go for it.

I think that if he had feelings about never having a friend over, then probably it would actually have made him feel better to finally have a friend over? He certainly seemed to be loving it when it happened. No idea whether or not he used to have other friends over or not - whether it was a blanket no-playdates-at-home policy, or just DS who didn't get invited over.

And I very much doubt that he was part of the decision not to have people over. During the infamous "seeing Adam through the window" incident, Adam was literally jumping up and down with excitement to see DS waving from the car.

This was one of the mystifying things about the whole situation, to be honest. If it had been a more one-sided friendship, then I could kind of understand it (though I'd still think the parents were a bit rude not to reciprocate once or twice). But Adam and DS really had a great time together - I saw enough of them at our house to see that! - and hung out every chance they got at school. Adam was an awesome kid, and his parents were really nice, too: friendly, good fun, seemed very confident and cool. (We had the money, but they had the cool!) We got on well, chatted at the school pick up, etc. It genuinely baffled me that they just never ever invited DS for a playdate. It wasn't until I read a Mumsnet thread like this one, years later, that I wondered whether it was a big house/small house thing, purely because I just couldn't think of another explanation.

Reading this back, though, I'm beginning to wonder about another possible reason. Maybe it wasn't the house at all. Maybe our family just weren't very cool?! I mean, I'm an accountant, fgs, and it doesn't get much less cool than that. So I guess that's a possibility. Although they didn't seem snobby in that way, and that school wasn't exactly overrun with arty parents, so if they were waiting for that then they'd be waiting a long time. Who knows? The whole thing is still just a mystery to me, really.

Sorry, just thinking aloud there!

(Firstly, congrats on a good job.)

if you’re feeling self conscious, meet at a park or soft play

Why so insecure? If you had thought ahead, you'd have realised these things are a real possibility and you should prepare accordingly. For some it is better to be the richer parents at the state school vs the (relatively) poor parent at the fee paying school.

Anyway, I'm heading off piste, stop worrying as they won't give a shit. Not really. Just let the kids play.

Ok, I understand the full situation a bit more now.

And actually you are right: arty types can have their own snobby takes on things - and I say that quite lovingly really, having a couple of arty friends!

Well they sound charming. I'm sorry you have to deal with them. I don't think it is common though. Certainly in my sphere of reference the judgement is all the other way.

I genuinely don't think the kids care. Years ago we had a hot tub in the back of the garden, we live in a 3 bed terrace, not a huge garden. DCs friends parents were very rich, huge house, Ferrari etc but he went back to his parents and said he wished they were as rich as us so they could have a hot tub 😂

Wow, Op @partytimed your entire salary going on school fees… that’s some sacrifice

@Calliopespa

‘Hi Janet, thanks so much for having us over. Beautiful home! We’d love to reciprocate when we have a spare minute! So busy!’ Never mention it again.

Oh this is the worst advice of all!
Mentioning the house, promising to reciprocate, not coming through on it.

You had to add the word promising to make it more dramatic because the reality of it is, it’s not that deep 🤣 You’re not British if you don’t suggest a meet up out of politeness you have no intention of following up on. Sorry!

Hire a massive posh air b and b and pretend it's your gaff
.. you'll have to keep doing I be very time they come over though...

Or just he proud of your own life, send them to state school or grammar school and you'll have double the income to upgrade your "poor person house" then you can be the rich wealthy parent of the state school friends

For all you know, they’re thinking, O God, Tommy’s parents are doctors! What if they think we’re stupid/not contributing anything to society etc.

Invite them back, make sure the house is nice and clean and let the kids have a nice time. It is what it is.

Whether the situation is awkward or not will be partly - although of course not entirely - down to you here.

I completely empathise with your worries. I have a similar problem myself but much lower down the pecking order of social hierarchy lol (my DH and I have good NHS jobs but have prioritised experiences and savings over a nicer home, so we live in a small terraced house with outdated kitchen and bathroom whilst all of DD's nursery friends seem to live in much larger and nicer places).

I also think it is right that some people, at all levels of wealth, absolutely do look down on those with smaller homes. Some house owners look down on people with smaller houses, who look down on people with flats, who look down on renters... Some people do measure status and worth in this very materialistic way. It might be that your instincts about this couple are correct and that they will be among the judgey ones.

But what's the worst that can happen here? If they judge you, they are in my view at least dicks and don't deserve your friendship. If they tell other people and other people remotely care about their assessment, those people are also dicks. And we don't know for sure that they'll be like that at all so the worst case might well not play out. Indeed, since they know you're doctors, I'd imagine that these people are unlikely to be surprised by your lack of mansion (unless they think you're private physicians to oligarchs or something).

This seems to really be about your lack of confidence and perhaps in some way a buying into the idea that house sizes and wealth do confer superiority. In fact you and your husband have worked hard and do very important jobs and should by all rights be bloody proud of yourselves. Maybe this is a stereotype on my part as of course I have no idea what lives these other parents have had and what they might have overcome to build their wealth, but I'd imagine there is a strong chance that you and your DH have more interesting life experiences too.

It's hard to make yourself feel confident when you don't but you can try acting it, and telling yourself that you and your house are enough, and that you are valuable for your company and personality regardless of anything else.

Of course, if you just find them a bit dull then no reason to pursue a friendship - doesn't sound like this couple have bowled you over with their fascinating personalities, even if they do have a lovely pool.

Good luck!

The reason I think they’re money focussed is because of how they talk about their house and the husband’s salary, they are very proud of it and seem to move in very wealthy circles.

The Old Money parents will be judging them for this, if that makes you feel better.