Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

This is the most bonkers reply ever!

Just wait til society collapses and you’ll be boss level😬 Ironically, not having them over could well seem like snobbery.

That's pretty damn rude of you. You're making assumptions about how they think and feel just based on their income and lifestyle? Exactly what you yourself are afraid of.
You are basically expecting the worst because you yourself judge people on that basis. Grow up and stop being so horrible.

Exactly this. They aren’t idiots they will know they’re richer than 99% of the populace. If anything they’ll probably be more worried about being judged and dealing with jealousy etc.

Besides it’s not like op is poor an ordinary 3 bedroom house pretty standard average uk home

Honestly, just do it. My family home was definitely the smallest amongst my peers but my friends loved the snack cupboard and the fact my parents were relaxed.

If they judge you by your home then that’s on them not you. I would add that as both of you are doctors you’d win the top trumps in worthwhile jobs - far more so than a ‘finance bro’. Seriously though I’d try and hold my head up high as a previous poster said and model to my child how proud you are of your family and your home.

OP has said that they like to talk about their salary and their fancy house.

Based on the amount of threads on here about how people earning £200,000 are struggling to manage I do wonder about how aware some people are.

Exactly right. Stop worrying about it, I'm pretty sure the child knows not everyone lives in a mansion!

We don't have our kids in private schools but some of their friends are definitely more well off than us. I've had comments from the kids friends such as " wow! You're house is all on one floor. It's tiny" or " your bedroom is all green?" It's like a whole other world in our 3 bed flat compared to their 5 bed houses with double garages and cinema rooms. But at the end of the day, the kids still have fun regardless. I don't invite the parents lol my ds does have one friend who won't let her DD come to visit or even hang around with him because he lives in a council flat. Stuck up b.

You are both doctors so absolutely nothing to be ashamed off but I do understand your feelings. If I were in your situation I would return the play date and see how it goes. If you feel they are judging you and you dont get on, don't offer it again.

I've had it the other way around, as in, I live in nice big 3 bed, the other family in an exceptionally small cramped apartment. Had playdates for years, all got on well. That's life, there are differing income levels. They were super organised with the space, I admired them.

Surely it's better to get used to it & not be ashamed. Nothing to be ashamed of obviously

Having been the scholarship kid at 2 fee paying schools, I was miserable partly because of the obvious wealth inequality. I struggled socially and was far happier when I moved to the state sector. Still stuck out because I spoke “posh” but not as badly as being the “poor kid” surrounded by enormous wealth.

That’s a fair point haha although if they live in a seven bed house with a swimming pool hopefully they have enough common sense to realise they’re richer than 99% of people. The evidence is there for them to see. Unless when they leave their house and see smaller houses/apartment blocks they convince themselves they’re in the matrix

I know it’s easier said than done, but just don’t think about it.

Unless they are very dim (and there’s no suggestion they are) they are aware that most others are poorer than themselves. They aren’t judging you any more than you, presumably, would judge a family poorer than yourself.

Also, as a double-GP family, if they are included to think in terms of status you have basically the perfect alibi. The fact you haven’t earned big-finance money is obviously the result of a conscious choice to apply your brains and effort in a different path. They might even feel somewhat insecure around you.

What are they going to say about your house? That you’re a cheap peasant or something? That you’re in some way lesser?

I bet the parents are lovely and couldn’t give a hoot. They just want the kids to enjoy playing together.

If you don't really click there is absolutely no need to have the whole family round for dinner. Just take your child and their out for an afternoon e.g. mini golf/trampoline/cinema/climbing wall / bowling/ board game cafe / whatever they're into.

I understand your feelings, however, at the end of the day, it's about the children and their playdate, not about the size of your house and financial situation.

I grew up in a big 5 bedroom house (built by my dad) and went on numerous playdates and sleepovers to my friends houses, many of which were small by comparison. It made diddly squat of a difference! I just got excited to go to a house that was different from my own!

Extend the invite - have the playdate if they accept and just go with the flow. Be proud of what you have. With the economic crisis and everything, you're doing pretty well with your joint salary and 3 bed semi-detached.

Just what I was thinking - they arrange the playdates for the kids, not the grown-ups (unless you do end up becoming parent buddies who get together a couple of times a month for a cuppa/drinks and a catch up)

Listen to this poster - particularly the last line.

It will be absolutely fine. People generally want to find common ground rather than look for problems.

And if, in the unlikely event, they aren’t nice guests you just don’t repeat the invitation.

OP we are in a similar position to you - not medicine and our kids mix in a variety of circles. Our multi millionaire friends have humongous houses we like you have a modest semi in a nice area and we are well paid professionals nothing like their incomes though. We would earn less than two GPs. Our fees are £40k a year and this stretches us massively.

What I’ve found is, you bring your own energy to life. Don’t downplay yourself , don’t shut yourself down for the sake of money. Ultimately if they are the sort of people to judge then that’s their issue not your’s. Reciprocate - own it, you’ve done exceptionally well. We have several doctors in our family (my DH siblings and mine) they send their kids to fee paying schools we all lead similar lifestyles with similar sized houses, there is still a mix at Pvte schools

Hear hear!

OP, kindly, you and your DH are doctors in the NHS.

You should feel proud of that and proud of what you've achieved.

My children attend a school with ultra wealthy parents too. I cannot imagine any of them ever looking down their nose at NHS doctors! It just wouldn't happen. However talking about money and wealth is absolutely frowned upon - for good reason.

I would invite them round, have a large glass of wine before they arrive and hope for the best! You may be surprised.

If not, you've done the right thing and been a good role model for your DC. You can't do more than that.

Good luck!

Stop overthinking it. Chances are they are perfectly nice people who happen to earn a lot. If they turn out to be complete arseholes who bitch about you to others, then you can cut them off.

I saw an actual Hollywood A listers young kids in the council soft play area when mine were tiny 😀