Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

If you are well off enough to have seven bedrooms and a pool then you kind of have to get used to the fact that the rest of the world doesn't live in similar houses. So they just have to get on with that. They know you don't live in a house like theirs already. I have friends who live in giant houses worth several million while my flat is worth 400k and, being in London is not at all grand. They still come to dinner!

The generous thing is to invite them.

They may envy you for all sorts of reasons: health, is intelligence, happy marriage, status … or they may not at all, but just be happy to have nice new friends. Friendship is about being vulnerable with each other.

What sort of friendship will result if you pretend you have a huge house but never invite them back?

My boys played with children of super rich family, you've all heard of the company. They loved the swimming pool. I spent afternoons helping to herd half a dozen children safely because of the pool. Helped feed them, tidy up , find their clothes.

She was a lovely mum, lonely. We had long chats. She said that I was the only one that stayed and helped her.

We're all human beings. And appreciate small kindnesses

I think you might be making this a bigger issue than it is. I grew up in a 3bed colliery bungalow and my parents drove a 8yr old volvo while their best friends lived in a 6bed house with a triple garage, 2 living rooms 5 toilets and a games room and drove a Range Rover and a Porshe. I'm 41 now and they are all still best friends, my parents now have a 2yr old fiesta and thier friends still drive a Range rover and they both still live in the same houses. It's not about the money it's about the people.

I suspect our DC went to a similar school. We were probably middle vis a vis lifestyle, higher vis a vis income. DS had a particularly privileged friend. On his first play date I just said to his mother "crikey, we usually pay to visit houses like this". She laughed and cracked out the gin.

Get a grip @partytimed they're just people and it's far more likely you or your dh may put a finger up their bum than vice versa. The only thing the richer parents care about are the snippy, chippy, minchkins who suck the joy from living. You are who you are; they are who they are. It only matters if you give a a fuck and let it show.

So, in our kids’ schools (which are normal comprehensives) we are better off than many of their friends, by quite some margin. Most live in small council flats, we live in a large house that we own. Absolutely we do not judge any of their friends or parents on anything other than whether they’re nice people. Just wanted to add this in as a perspective from the “other” side (albeit not the exact same situation)

Money and a nice house are not measures of the worth of anyone’s character. I have been to great get togethers in everything from tiny flats to massive houses. I never leave thinking about whether someone had sufficient square footage and coordinated sofas. I leave grateful for their hospitality and having enjoyed their company.

Wow how shallow -Why do you want to mix with such people? Why are they even invited on a play date?! Surely the kids get dropped off/picked up if they are school aged.

You clearly aren’t struggling given your professions and posts like this can come across as insensitive to others who are struggling to make ends meet. Just because your children are friends it doesn’t mean you have to be.

There's the tiny possibility that OP is afraid they might be surprised by the fact that doctors don't earn as much as they may assume. More of a sympathetic pity comment to their friends saying that they know "two GPs whose salary isn't even enough for XYZ".

There are lots of ultra rich medical professionals out there, often second or third generation doctors, private practice, surgeons etc. This family will certainly know other doctors in their social circle who live like them. So it might genuinely come as a shock that two salaried GPs don't make that much if they didn't inherit a bunch of money or a private practice from their parents.

I think the fact they talk about money, his big salary would put me off far more than any large house.
They sound tacky, vulgar and insecure.

My children have all been privately educated and whilst we are certainly very comfortably off, they have friends that are vastly wealthy.

All of my lovely children have been surrounded and sought after as close friends, and loved by their friends parents.

Why?
Because they are lovely young people and were good friends to hang out with.
Loyal, fun and kind.

I have found one particular thing in common with all of the different parents I have met, we all want our children to have the support and loyalty of good, kind friends in this life.

We want them to have that support network when we are gone.
Irrespective of how much money you have in this life, really good friends that you share great history with, that deeply care about you, and are really there for you, is so beyond priceless.

I have been so blessed, I really hope my children will be too.

Firstly, thank you to both you and your husband for serving us in the NHS. I’m sure you could both pursue more lucrative careers in the private sector, but you don’t! Secondly, I think it’s great you are prioritising your child’s education. They will no doubt go on to be productive members of our society. I think your morals and work ethic trumps the big posh house and pool. Try and focus on that. Your hard work and dedication to the community. The other couple may feel inferior to you in other ways.

that two salaried GPs don't make that much

Oh dear lord.....time for me to leave this thread I think.

I can’t find any evidence that the state contributes in excess of 25% to doctors pensions. I have an NHS pension. I contribute 12.5%, my employer contributes 23.7% (I believe this second figure is fixed). Wealthy people should pay more tax and they can well afford to fund their own private pensions (I’m sure many also have employer schemes). If training to be a doctor (and receiving an NHS pension) was really that lucrative, they could do that instead.

Do doctors claim the “high moral ground”? In what respect? No one pays themselves (could you argue self-employed people do? Perhaps but it’s pretty meaningless). Doctors exchange a scarce and in demand skill for a wage - like everyone. And doctors salaries at senior level compare favourably to the mean/median salary in England but if you are exceptionally bright there are probably easier ways to earn a high salary (and pension) if that’s your priority.

I thought your comment was amusing because I found it to be flippant and glib.

I feel for you OP though this is definitely a them problem! If they judge you then that's up to them but you can regain control by not being bothered about what they think of your 'normal' home.

Get them round for lunch and when the DH starts going on about his high powered role in finance and how he has cash coming out of every orifice, just share stories of the lives of strangers you and your DH have saved over the years - that should shut him up! I know who I'd MUCH rather be having lunch with!

No obligation on you to host them, just say something like "is [their child] free to go to the cinema/bowling/etc with me and [your child].

Take the kids for an outing - you can tick off your reciprocal duty and no need to host. I'm sure they're not bothered about being invited round, and then you won't need to stress!

If your child is going to stay at this school, you're going to have to make peace with the situation and not worry about people seeing your home, which I'm sure is lovely!

I went to boarding school with the mega rich and was among the poorest, I'm sure it was hard for my parents as well.

That’s hilarious they talk about their house and husbands salary. I did chuckle. So these are what we call the nouveau riche as anyone with any real class do not actually talk about such things and they don’t actually care what house you live in or money as they have always had so much of it it’s not what matters. You are worrying about the wrong sort!

My daughter went to a private school and was invited to many play dates such as you describe. I took great pleasure turning up to the school in my battered 13 year old car that I parked next to all the Discovery Sports.

I always invited everyone back.

Most of the parents didn’t judge at all and in fact I felt more welcomed by these parents than my state local social climbing school where my son went as they were so cliquey .

I like you, worked full time and a lot of my salary went on school fees.

Please- you are a doctor. You went to medical school for 7 years and you do an immensely valuable job. Please focus on that. You are a highly intelligent and I expect pretty caring human to do that type of work. So focus on those qualities that are far more important than whether someone has a pool and 7 bedrooms.

Otherwise what message are you giving your daughter?

Stand strong in your own value and worth. We are all worthy in our own ways- rich or poor.
You are rich in other ways than just money and probably in areas where they are not.
Be proud of that. Hold your own.

We are in a somewhat similar position OP.

DH and I are both teachers. He works at a state school, I work at an independent but part time, so our combined income is very low compared to most parents with children at an independent school (I get a staff discount - that's why we can afford it).

Our house is very modest compared to DDs peers. We just roll with it and have always had people come to ours. Birthday parties the gap is most obvious - we have people to our house for sandwiches and party games in the garden, which is rather different from what others do.

The vast majority are too polite to mention it. They know they are in the wealthy minority, so they just don't really care. Most people are less wealthy than them. Occasionally I grin when people put their foot into it - conversations about the difficulty of finding a really reliable housekeeper who folds the sheets well etc not exactly something I can contribute to!

If they are snobbish about your house nobody else will judge you, but THEY will be judged if they comment to other parents. Especially if most other parents are between you and them in wealth/situation.

Just invite them over. It's really no big deal. Would you judge someone if you went to a play date on a council estate or in a small flat, or would you find something to compliment and make polite small talk?

@partytimed im easily the poorest in our year, single parent, fee paying school. It's pretty obvious i dont have a fancy home though its nice. I kinda take it on the chin really, its like the big unsaid. However i have lots of playdates, and have made friends with all the other parents so we look past all that. From my experience, people know if you havent got much, but really appreciate you making their kids feel welcomed and noticed

I worried about this when my son started school and he isn’t at a fee paying school! We made friends with some wealthier people… They definitely earn more than us, have expensive holidays, drink expensive wine etc etc! We have a smaller house, earn reasonable money but nowhere near what they do and no nothing about wine! However, our kids get on so well and when we reciprocated lunch at ours, it went so well, they complimented our house, loved the food we made, we all got drunk and had so much fun! This was three years ago and we do it regularly now!

People will like you for you! As long as your house is clean and you can provide some nibbles and drinks depending on what kind of date you arrange you’ll be fine!

Also I tend to ensure I listen to them and pick up on things like their favourite wine, their recent plans etc etc.. people tend to like the people not their house!

Don’t reciprocate a home playdate. The stress and anxiety it would cause is not worth it. Instead offer to take them to lunch in a lovely child friendly location if you need to do something. You’re both Doctors which is a noble career so don’t be feeling less than. Money does not always buy class and if they are good people who happen to be wealthy they won’t mind at all. If they judge others based on material possessions and money though why would you need or want their approval?

A lot of rich people are used to people being weird with them and can feel socially isolated and awkward as their wealth sets them apart and they know it. I would treat them normally and see how it goes. If they go on about money all the time they may be as insecure about their wealth as you are in a way.

Because he might have feelings about the fact he could never have a friend over - and that would have impacted him rather more.

Or he might have been part of the decision not to have people over because he felt awkward, which is sad for him too.

@CloudyonasunnydayI never really considered how it was balanced it just felt like a nice relationship with give and take rather than transactional, we are still friends now our daughters are 26.

I guess I was helpful with school pick ups as I wasn’t working, her daughter also spent a lot of time at ours and shared our daughter’s pony.

I understand your worry, but it will only be awkward if you make it awkward. Show your dc (through your actions and your pride) that actually it is the atmosphere within a home that is important, not the size of the home (there's a nice saying for that but Id be buggered if I can remember it - meno brain!) I grew up around flashy über rich people and I much prefer my life now with 'normals'

Would you judge someone with less than you? I would not, my kids had friends from all walks of life. No judging happened.

I’ve been the one with the smaller rented house, crappy car and a very tight budget. I still invited people over, because they can take me as I am and it was always totally fine.
Funnily enough, now I am no longer in that position (and no, we don’t talk about money!) I find that more people have an issue with that. We definitely lost friends because of it, because, despite what people say, a lot are really not happy for you if you “do well”.
Decent people don’t give a fig where you live or what you’ve got. If these aren’t decent people? Poor them, their loss.
Have the play date and see how it goes, you might be surprised.