Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

We are the poorest in DS's friends group and all the kids love hanging out at ours 🤣😭 People and especially kids aren't as judgy as you think. Good luck!

I agree, talking like this behind closed doors is horrible for the children the hear. It's basically what triggers reverse classism and the idea that some jobs are more noble or better than others. Or that anyone who has excessive amounts of money must be moral failures or bad people to balance things out. It's exactly the same as making assumptions about someone who is poor or from another race or culture. Before you genuinely know a person or family, there's no point to making assumptions. Obviously a family with money will behave in a certain way that's to be expected within their circumstance. Just like how people from different cultures or religions share similar ways of living. You can't expect someone from X culture to refrain about speaking on something just because you don't happen to have the same values or experience.

I think the fact you and your husband are Doctors beats having money hands down. You literally save lives for a living. I think Doctors are amazing 👏🏻.

This. Our SEND child is in an independent school. Some extremely wealthy parents some parents with average homes who get help from family with fees, some kids on bursaries in very modest homes. Never have I in 13 years of being at independent schools heard a single person comment on any other family’s home/jobs/finances and I would be appalled if I did thinking ill of that person not the family subject of the comments. Absolutely no one cares. Let the children be friends and be thankful your child is seeing different families have different circumstances to theirs as this is good experience for life.

Rich people need friends too. Don't judge

If husband wants to return the favour, let him organise it. Cook etc.

If anything I think you're the one being judgey...

We chose state school for our kids and we are probably one of the more comfortable families there as we could afford private if we wished (not in mansion and pool territory though!). We have play dates with lots of people and all I care about is that their kids are kind and nice and play well with mine. We had someone recently say they were embarrassed to invite us back - I was actually relieved when they said it as after a few invites here I just thought they didn’t really like me!! I genuinely would not care what the other house was like!
It is likely something you’ll going to keep coming across - I presume one of the reasons you’re stretching financially to go private is so your children are socially connected to other wealthy families so you’ll have to move past your discomfort and be socially connected to them too.

I think I'd want to set an example to my children that you can host the King or a cleaner with the same attitude and graciousness.

Wow I think you are being ridiculous and I worry a GP thinks this way .
A have a couple of friends who are millionaires, and I do not mean a million , I mean the kind of people that offer sail boats and houses as gifts on their partners birthdays and buy 7 million holiday houses . They still come to mine for BBQs and normal dinners and they also invites to theirs all the time and also cook for us .

Let me start by saying, I feel you OP. I’ve been in a similar position myself.
The key, I think, is being ok with who you are and what you have. Be upfront about it, talk proudly of what you have achieved.
If people around you are fine with it, great; if not, that’s on them.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re in a better situation than most people anyway. Would you judge someone for inviting you to a smaller home than yours?
Honestly, if the community around me placed such heavy emphasis on these kinds of values, I’d be questioning whether it’s the right school.
I would reciprocate, but only if they are nice, kind people. I would look at them twice. If you are sure they are money-focus, bragging twats I would not bother with them.

Yes privileged kids can feel things too, I totally agree - and I have privileged children myself, so I am not down on your son.

As I say, I agree with the broader premise of what you are saying, it just kind of set my teeth on edge because there wasn't one word of any thought for the other little boy's position or the impact of it all on him.

FWIW I had a few classmates who also lived in insane homes. Think mansions with staff & chauffeur etc. But as a child, it genuinely never crossed my mind that they were different or we were inferior in any way. It was really weird, only looking back did I realise how wealthy some of those families must have been! At the time, it was simply "X with the huge house" and we loved parties there because there was more space. Those same kids also happily attended parties at everyone else's normal sized houses and the parents were always very nice and civil. They probably had more lavish social lives outside school but they never gave anyone the impression they were poor or unworthy.

OP, my DS went to a fee paying school on an assisted place. For much of the time he was there, I was a single parent, and I had absolutely no money - but it never stopped his friends from coming here. His mates used to go on amazing holidays while,we always went to Grandma’s, but it really didn’t make any difference. And as a GP, your DC’s friends’ parents will respect you for that - money certainly isn’t everything. Have them over - but youndin’t need to keep,doing it. Mostly, and especially as they get older, your children will be socialising with their friends, and you’ll see the parents for a fleeting moment when they’re picked up. Honestly, OP, you really have nothing to worry about!

You really don’t need to invite the whole family round to lunch but you do have a responsibility to support your DD’s friendships. She didn’t choose to go to a fee paying school and not inviting her friend round because you are insecure is really shitty.

I'm with your DH. They already know two GPs aren't as wealthy as them.
Why are you making playdates about you and your insecurities and not about your DC making friends?

My daughter had a friend over who has wealthy parents and spent the whole time talking about how small our house was. The whole time. We live in a normal 3 bed. She went on and on and on about it. She is only little, it's not her fault.

I think this is terrible advice. Be who you are if they don’t like you for it then they aren’t nice people !

I have experienced this too- a friend who was a ‘poor kid’ at private school.
She said it was awful & wouldn’t wish it for her own kids.
It has always made me view private schooling differently since that conversation.
Having a top notch education does not equal happiness in future life.
I’m guessing your child is young if you are still at ‘play dates’. If you are already feeling like this with some of the parents, please consider how your child will feel as they grow up with the comparisons to holidays/gifts/first car etc!

How was it balanced ? Did you buy them things ?

the super rich couple will most likely be aware that they are super rich and 99% of people do not live like them

relax I doubt they judge everyone poorer than them that would be a lot of people to judge

I have a friend who works in finance, earns a heap but is in awe of their partner who is a doctor in the NHS. It’s not always about what you earn. I don’t think YABU to notice the difference between your material assets but I would try to just treat them as you treat everyone else, focus on the children having a nice time and definitely do it at your house, you have nothing to hide!

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

I used to have a mixture of friends from all backgrounds when younger, from kids who's parents done what would now be classed as minimum wage jobs living in identical council houses as me to those in finance and a good few in the forces that lived in one of the most prestigious areas with large houses.

Two things that I'll always remember are,

Our house was one of the go to's to hang out and have fun.

Most of the other kids lived in houses that came with their parents job, some given a set amount towards 'the rent' some never having to pay a penny towards it.

Not saying this is the case in your senario but I do know that companies still do this today, allowing some families more disposable income than others.

On another note both you and your DH have jobs that are just as worthy as any of those other parents, many of those may also think the same.

It's what a person is like inside, how they treat people and their mannerisms that make a person, this will always trump everything else. IMO.

@partytimed

I would try to look at it this way:

‘Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it.’ I think these sorts of feelings are normal even though we know they’re not rational.

‘The parents are lovely but quite money focussed’ - We’re all different. Their values may be different to yours and I presume if you’re less money-focused than they are that’s because you think it’s less important. Logically, therefore, it shouldn’t be something that’s threatening but a difference in values that arguably makes you less concerned about how they might judge you.

‘I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school.’ Obviously this is hypothetical and quite likely not to happen. If they did that, however, they would be showing themselves to be quite unpleasant - which would be another reason to be even less concerned about what they think of you. Anyone who bought into what they said would be similarly unpleasant and therefore not of concern to you. There will be plenty of nice parents who would judge them negatively for any bitchy comments about your house.

‘The reason I think they’re money focussed is because of how they talk about their house and the husband’s salary, they are very proud of it.’ That’s nice for them, but again shows a values difference that would likely make their opinion of you/your house (assuming they chose to judge) unimportant.

It’s a bit overdone but I think ‘let them’ is a useful idea here. Until or unless they are people who you respect and value, their opinion doesn’t matter.

Also, it’s probably less extreme than you’re imagining it would be anyway.

Seriously, he had a great time. Both at our house and at his house. I saw them when I went to pick my son up; he didn't want DS to go home.

I don't know why you would think otherwise, to be honest!

Playdates at that age are organised by parents, not by the kids themselves.