Tell me about the kind, gentle, caring men in your life.

[Aweemawe]

This evening I was walking alone on a quiet road at dusk when I met a man, also on a walk. He seemed such a pleasant, friendly person. We had a short conversation and then went on your way. It got me thinking that most of the men I know and meet in real life are actually delightful people, not at all like the horrifying specimens that I so often read about on here. It made me think that the representation of men on here is probably very much skewed towards the rotters. So let’s talk about the womderful men, for a change.

I’ll tell you a bit about three of mine to get us started:

My nephew (27) is an animal lover and such a gentle soul. He has rescued three caged hens and spent more than he can afford to give them a lovely big home and an enriching environment to scratch about in. They will sit in his lap and let him pet them.

My co-worker has adopted three little boys with his husband. He showed me a video today of one of his sons performing in a school concert and was almost literally bursting with pride and there were tears in his eyes. He has so much compassion for the journey his children are travelling and takes such joy in their achievements. He and his partner run an amazing home, they are always cooking with the boys and their house is super clean and cozy. The children are so proud of their dads.

My neighbour. I live in an area where most people’s homes as powered by just electricity, but he has had oil heating installed. He also had a gas camping stove. When storms hit last winter and our area had a power cut, he set up the camping stove in his kitchen and knocked on everyone’s door on the street offering them to come over to fill a flask with hot water and/or have a cup of tea with him. When I went round with a flask, there were several elderly ladies who had been there all day, because their homes were cold and dark. None of us had met him before that day, he was literally inviting strangers in out of the cold.

Over to you :-)

I almost wish we didn't have this social dynamic of almost political correctness where people feel obliged to act a certain way. It would make it far easier to read people.

It's part of what I like about the construction sector tbh. People were mostly sugar and roses when I was in a corporate job....until they were slagging others off behind their backs.

I'd rather work in an environment where it's OK to be a bit gruff. The people who are friendly are usually doing it by choice rather than trying to upkeep a 'professional image'/persona.

My partner. He is a brilliant father, treats everyone equally, is funny, kind and emotionally intelligent. He is open with his emotions and affections. He says what he means and he means what he says. He is strong, capable and reliable. He has wholesome hobbies, he’s good with technical things, and will help and support anyone who needs it. He looks after me and he lets me look after him. He is safe, and loving.

I know loads. I have to remember that

A lot of women sadly are hardwired to see men as having to be social butterflies, leaders, charismatic gobshites. Such men are often highly seductive to be around but ultimately are all about themselves and what they can get from people.

Such men aren’t always selfish and manipulative, though.

It is not the case that quiet, shy men are always sweet and gentle and kind, while charismatic social butterflies are always ‘all about themselves’. One of kindest, loveliest men I’ve ever met is very much a leader and ultra-confident, certainly plenty of people might consider him a ‘charismatic gobshite’. But he is a very kind, thoughtful, sensitive person and a very loving husband and dad who wouldn’t even step on a bug.

Equally, a quiet, shy, awkward, softly-spoken man, who worked in a caring profession, stalked my best friend for three years and subjected her to a campaign of harassment.

But surely this is equally true of women.

My husband, my son, my dad, my friend J

unfortunately some fuckers too. My late grandad for example. I do try and reflect that he probably had PTSD, caused by his wartime experiences.

I’m actually not so sure it is, as I think the male hormones play a huge part

I think you only need to read the many threads on here about toxic female friendships and family dynamics between sisters, mothers and female in-laws to see that ‘male hormones’ are not what makes people capable of putting on a pleasant public front while actually being a colossal shitrag.

It is. I don't know why people on here seem to think that it's only men who can be two faced.

Thanks for posting this. I often wonder how so many women find men who turn into cruel bastards. My heart goes out to them esp when they feel financially trapped with no chance to escape.

My DH is a wonderful man. He is kind, gentle and generous. He works with kids, is an amazing dad and foster dad to our DS and FC. He is really my best friend. Been together 30+yrs.

My dad was also a gentle man. He was a wonderful dad although, at times, we didn't see him loads due to hours worked. He really came into his own as a granda. He retired early and was able to spend so much time with all his grandkids. It was the mutual adoration society.

Our son is a lovely laid back man. He worked hard at uni and has worked in the NHS since, all toundcthe country. He has a wonderful wife and step daughter, they make a great family and they treat each other wonderfully.

When I say I’ve known men - all my life, from the man next door when I was growing up to relatives, friends and colleagues - who appeared lovely but behind closed doors were not, I’m thinking not of sone kind of general character flaws, but of men who it turned out were doing all the kind of things generally associated with male abuse or violence towards women and girls. Verbal, emotional and physical domestic abuse. Sexual harassment. Fraud and gambling. Alcoholism. Prostitutes. Long term affairs, philandering and cheating. Child abuse or child pornography.

Surprisingly many of them (many more than you’d think) doing things like those above — actually a LOT more than you would think if you took people at face value. But as well as that, an awful lot of them, maybe the majority of men I’ve known, on a continuum with those things.

The man next door often hit and frequently verbally abused his wife and all the women and children on the street knew. Many of my male relatives were gamblers, alcoholic or verbal or emotional abusers. I’ve worked with many men who seemed lovely — until they put a hand up my skirt or it turned out they were shagging a student, or having a long-term affair, or cheating on their partners, or had a reputation for temper tantrums and bullying. Or I witnessed selfish and nasty behaviour in the workplace, generally men putting down women or making belittling or sexist comments, unsavoury political opinions, and so on. Getting caught drinking and fighting. My students coming to me to disclose sexual assaults by “really nice” boys and then not taking it further because they know they won’t be believed. A senior colleague who got caught for decades of dealing child porn on the dark web. Even a gentle, sweet man who worked for me and seemed throughly feminist and a fantastic dad, who got caught having spent thousands on prostitutes - his wife had no idea. I was flabbergasted.

Women can be bitchy and nasty and bullying; they can be difficult and frustrating; they can be selfish and mean and cliquey, but they don’t tend to go quite so hard on those male-pattern tendencies, including anger, addiction, violence, and financial and sexual misconduct that can destroy families and the entire lives of women and children around them.

I just think you never know someone, not really; and whilst a seemingly nice woman might turn out to be a conniving bitch or a cheeky fucker, a seemingly nice man may well turn out to have something much worse about him behind closed doors than that. In my (sad) experience.

My husband is the kindest, gentlest soul ever.
My dad appears gruff, but gives up his evenings to come to Beavers, Cubs and Scouts and loves those kids like they are his own grandchildren.
My father in law is the most AMAZING man ever.
My grandad now has dementia, but he has always been a total sucker for his wife and grandchildren. He gave up something he loved because he discovered it could harm me as a child, he worships my nan.
My oldest son (11) is so kind and sweet. He is bluntly honest, but he is also incredibly caring!
I have a lot of male friends through a hobby we share and all of them are just such lovely men to be around, it’s impossible not to adore them.
I am very lucky in that the male figures in my life are mostly sweet, kind and lovely men, who just want to live their lives and love their partners and wives!

My dad is gentle and kind and will do anything for us and the grand kids even though he’s in his 70s he spends time helping out the old ladies in his church around the house or with tech stuff.

my eldest brother is loving and a great father and husband. He puts other first and is an excellent listener and has always had a wise word for me ever since we were teens

my younger brother is the quiet soldier type. Doesn’t say much but you always know he is there if needed and quietly gets on with helping others when he can.

My husband. Loveliest man I know. He’s funny and kind and would put himself out for you if you needed anything. He’s also an amazing dad who listens and offers advise to teen DD when needed or just lets her spill her heart out and comfort her if needed. He also truly loves hanging out with our younger two and playing games with them and putting them first.

Your personal experience is not universal. I don't believe that men are any worse than women.

My experience leads me to believe that many men must be hiding secrets that they don’t reveal on the surface — since it’s unlikely that my experience is that radically different from the norm. (This is borne out by statistics: when rape and sexual assault convictions are so low, when so many women have experienced assault, violence or domestic abuse, there must logically be many men out there that you personally know who have perpetrated such things without you being being aware of it.)

Is it logical that you personally don’t know any men who: cheat, are domestic abusers, are bullies, have affairs, use prostitutes, gamble, drink too much, make sexist comments? Are they all somewhere else and not where you are? Statistically, that’s pretty unlikely.

Or, you could be someone who people don’t confide in about their secret lives, or who isn’t privy to HR issues, for example (if you deal with employees’ confidential information you see a very different side to their lives). Don’t you start out in a new situation (new school or workplace, say); and think, oh how nice are all these dads/colleagues? And then, bit by bit, you start to learn, oh this school mum’s husband has a temper. Oh this one wants to divorce but can’t, because her husband has affairs but she hasn’t got enough money to separate. Or this dad seems nice, but if you listen closely, he puts his wife down publically at parties as “banter”. Or this friend confides that her husband is driven and a high earner, but a narcissist, ignores the children, leaves her to deal with everything, is financially controlling. Etc. etc.

Now, all these things are not quite the same as child porn or prostitutes — but they’re enough for me not to have many illusions about men around me. And I’ve been to far too many funerals where people all agree the deceased was a “lovely man”, when I know from his female relatives that he was a bully, horrible to his family, emotionally absent with a temper, or an alcohol problem, or any number of things.

I think many women still are either in denial or have to cover up socially what their husbands are like. I know so many women in secret domestic abuse situations who you would never expect until they tell you. I’m really glad for the women in this thread who have nice husbands, fathers and sons. But it might well be their experience which is abnormal, to be honest. Who knows? Nobody likes a pessimist.

You could say the same about women, though. Nobody likes to air their dirty laundry. Why assume it's only men who are two faced?

@AliceMaforethought I’m puzzled — did you think my post was about “dirty laundry” or “being two-faced”?

A Key Worker on my Mum's Dementia Unit in a Nursing Home. My God I have never met a man like it and I am old 😂 He is an outstanding professional and displays all the kindness , caring and devotion to his job you'd absolutely wish for for your family member. Talking to him he has a radiant smile and is gentle and really listens.
Im mildly fascinated by him. He must be late 30s and I'm not sure if he has a family of his own, but those shifts, for a low wage must be rotten.

All the men in my life, my dad, my brother, my best friend, the two "boys"(who are older than me) on my team, my friends. Theres a lot of good men

Lovely to read. I always find it really sad when people drag men in general because all the men in my life are wonderful people.

I have two brothers who have always been really thoughtful. My older brother is also a carer for my parents alongside working. My partner is an excellent man and father to our two children. I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone else. After 15 years together, if we ever parted ways, I think I'd call it a day and stay single forever. I know that no man could ever compare to him.

I have two little boys who I am raising to be independant, successful kind men. I'd be so disappointed if they turn out to be father's who don't do night feeds, change nappy and do their bit around the house. I read some stories on here about shit men and I wonder how women put up with them.

It seemed to be. You seemed to be saying that seemingly nice men weren't actually nice, because they were hiding secrets. I pointed out that you were selective in your criticism. I'm sure that a lot of women who seem lovely have secrets to hide as well. This place seems to have a lot of people who (very naively) think that women are inherently better, kinder and nicer than men. This is not true. It never has been and it never will be.

No, that’s not what I wrote at all. Not remotely close.

As for your last point, I guess that’s why we have all those prisons full of violent women, women child sex abusers, women sex offenders, women making child porn. Men across the globe live in fear of being murdered by women, children of being abducted by women, everyone is scared of wars where armies of women go around shooting and raping; there are whole red light districts where trafficked, drugged men are prostituted for the use of women, and so many many women locked up for committing harassment, fraud, robbery, selling drugs, etc. Yes, across the land, men live in fear of the violent crimes committed against them by all these women, while men make up the vast majority of those underpaid in caring jobs looking after the elderly, disabled, children, doing cleaning and childcare and low paid work.

If you can’t grasp my point that women may be two faced and unpleasant, but far fewer of them are on a continuum with the kind of abuse and violence committed by many men; then do look around you at all the examples of women’s bad behaviour versus men’s bad behaviour.

And get back to me when there are multiple women around your work and neighbourhood and social network, who are getting convicted of child porn offences, using prostitutes, cheating and abandoning their families and children, and harassing colleagues and being convicted of assault and all the kind of things that lots of men do. I know or know of men in each of those categories; and no women, to be honest — even if I do think women I know are “two-faced”.

Do you think the figures for domestic abuse, sexual and physical assault towards women and children by men are all just made up? There are men around us all who do these things and rarely, if ever, get held accountable. Male anger and sexual entitlement exists at all levels of society. It’s great to hear from this thread that there are some men out there who would never do any of that, but I think sadly they are less common than we’d like to think.

My husband. He looks after me (I’m a wheelchair user) and is a really involved dad with our two girls. He’s six foot, big build, has a shaved head and a beard, and has been seen brushing a my little ponies hair when required. He’s a lovely guy and a big teddy bear.

I don’t know any. My dh has good qualities but I wouldn’t describe his as those things. His friends are alright not again not those qualities. My dad was abusive. My fil and bil are moaners . My son in law is nice but dd complains about him. And that’s about it for men in my life.
Actually just remembered DDs fil is all of those qualities, a genuinely lovely man.

I tried writing this yesterday but I cried so much I gave up.

My wonderful Step dad. He passed away a few months back and it still takes my breath away to not have him here.

In the 41 years he was my step dad he never once raised his voice. He listened, properly listened. He helped me with homework for hours, he plumbed in washing machines and put up shelves, he took my DC on days out and taught them so many amazing things. He was a true gentleman. Honest, kind, patient, caring, loyal…

I wish that everyone could have someone like him. I wish more than anything that I still did. He was honestly the best man I’ve ever known and was the replacement for my narcissistic father.