Tell me about the kind, gentle, caring men in your life.

[Aweemawe]

This evening I was walking alone on a quiet road at dusk when I met a man, also on a walk. He seemed such a pleasant, friendly person. We had a short conversation and then went on your way. It got me thinking that most of the men I know and meet in real life are actually delightful people, not at all like the horrifying specimens that I so often read about on here. It made me think that the representation of men on here is probably very much skewed towards the rotters. So let’s talk about the womderful men, for a change.

I’ll tell you a bit about three of mine to get us started:

My nephew (27) is an animal lover and such a gentle soul. He has rescued three caged hens and spent more than he can afford to give them a lovely big home and an enriching environment to scratch about in. They will sit in his lap and let him pet them.

My co-worker has adopted three little boys with his husband. He showed me a video today of one of his sons performing in a school concert and was almost literally bursting with pride and there were tears in his eyes. He has so much compassion for the journey his children are travelling and takes such joy in their achievements. He and his partner run an amazing home, they are always cooking with the boys and their house is super clean and cozy. The children are so proud of their dads.

My neighbour. I live in an area where most people’s homes as powered by just electricity, but he has had oil heating installed. He also had a gas camping stove. When storms hit last winter and our area had a power cut, he set up the camping stove in his kitchen and knocked on everyone’s door on the street offering them to come over to fill a flask with hot water and/or have a cup of tea with him. When I went round with a flask, there were several elderly ladies who had been there all day, because their homes were cold and dark. None of us had met him before that day, he was literally inviting strangers in out of the cold.

Over to you :-)

Ditto. Sadly I don’t know any either. 😞 I only seem to know the self-centred, argumentative, bloody-minded, entitled and angry ones. Even my dad. 😢

I also work in a male-dominated field and I can’t think of any I know who are particularly gentle and kind. They all have egos and tempers; and sadly I’ve had too many experiences of thinking “oh isn’t X’s husband lovely, gentle and kind” and then it turns out he’s abusive or runs off with the nanny who he’s been shagging for years — or worse. The man at work I once thought was the perfect gentleman then ran off with a young woman and tried to sue his ex-wife for more than half of her house while she had breast cancer! And another who made a great thing of his kindness for religious reasons turned out to then get arrested for child pornography offences. Taught me that even the nicest seeming men can be quite different underneath and you can’t always tell. And just on an everyday level I was aware that lots of my mum’s friends when I was growing up had husbands who put on a good act of being good family men at church and in the community, but were actually either verbally abusive or physically abusive or alcoholics or unfaithful behind closed doors. 🙁

My husband.

genuinely just the most amazing dedicated husband and father. He adores me and in particular our two young children. He is completely an equal parent and will do everything to care for them (not particularly good at our 4 year olds hair, but he’s practicing that!). He’s so hard working and makes sure we have everything we need. He loves his parents and treats his mother with so much respect. Infact I would say that’s the first thing I noticed about him, the way he speaks to and about the women in his life was with so much care and respect that I knew he was a good man.

I’m so so glad that he is the role model for our son and daughter, my hope is that my son grows to be a man like his father and my daughter doesn’t settle for anyone who doesn’t treat her like her dad treats her mum.

My brother. People don’t use the word much these days, but he’s a ‘gentleman’. In fact, he perfectly fits what foreigners imagine an English gentleman to be: tall, refined, polite, self-effacing, etc. His wife is American and grew up reading Jane Austen. She often says he was the man she dreamed of meeting when she moved to the U.K. He is kind as well. There is nothing small or petty or mean in him. He never takes pleasure in other people’s misfortune, and he is the only person I have ever met who cares more about other people than he does about himself. If I won the lottery, and he didn’t get a penny, he’d still be overjoyed to see me rich. He’s also his own man. If everyone in the room supported something nasty or cruel, he’d stand his ground, but he’d do it in a polite and urbane way.

My BIL is a wonderful man as well. He is big and tough looking (over six foot with huge muscles and broken nose). To look at he’s incredibly intimidating. He’s also wealthy. If he wanted to, he could be an obnoxious bully and show off. Yet he has the most beautiful, refined manners of anyone I have ever known. And he’s like that with everyone, not just people with money and power. He speaks to waitresses and shop assistants in such a lovely way, almost like they’re doing him a favour.

Honestly I think almost all men i know are like this. Except my Dad, he is a bit cold and uninterested but a good person in many other ways, charitable and generous. My grandad was the nicest man ever, loving and warm, and i have 3 great uncles that were nearby as i grew up. All still married and close to their daughters. My dh is a good man, solid, kind and likes helping others. His family come first always, he is also very ambitious but doesnt trample on people and has called out misogyny he sees in his industry. His 3 best friends from school are 3 of my closest friends, 2 are my kids godfathers, chosen as much by me as Dh. They married good women, they have become my friends. My FIL is a good man too. My sisters are married and i would say the same about their DHs, really good men. I've met a few assholes in my life, one job in particular seemed to attract them but I've met a few horrible women too along the way. On balance the asshole experience is fairly balanced. Maybe pot luck or an open attitude, I don't know, but I very rarely relate to the stories I read here about bad men. Then to be fair I rarely relate to the narcissist mothers and criminal MILs either.

I'm lucky enough to know four lovely men.....three of whom are my sons. I was a single mum with three boys under 6 years old and we became this really tight little unit. Now they are all grown....43, 40 and 37....yet we are close as we've ever been. Every day I know and feel the love and respect they have for me.....and me them. They've had personal struggles and overcame them and never lost their integrity, dignity and compassion for others. I'll never forget a simple act of kindness from my youngest 15 years ago. We were scattering my beloved mums ashes. I was kneeling on the river bank where she had requested her ashes to be scattered. I had my eyes closed because I couldn't bear to see them. There was a lever on the urn to release but it was stiff and I was having difficulty.....then I felt a hand over mine gently squeezing....I knew without opening my eyes who it was. He had/has this knack of knowing exactly when I need him.
My eldest is my right hand man....im not in good health and every appointment, every trip to A&E....he's there beside me. He doesn't complain, doesn't whinge about long waits. He's there....a reassuring presence with the most fantastic sense of humour...he's a tonic.
My middle boy.....aaah....where would I start. He's a beautiful human being. After many, many years of struggles he finally got the diagnosis of ASD at age 38. He has struggled with his MH all his life, yet is so so caring and compassionate.....my friend calls him an "earth angel". I can still see him as a little boy....feeding an ailing bee sugared water from a teaspoon...and the look on his little face when the bee, seemingly brought back to life flew merrily away. He has like a kind of aura about him and I call him the animal whisperer...they radiate towards him.
Then there is my partner. I met him 5 years ago, when I was 60. I've been single since divorce at age 36 and had long given up on finding love. Now 5 years later he's just moved in, we're engaged and planning a wedding. He is the most thoughtful person I've ever met. Like myself, he's had his fair share of problems but has never lost his sense of optimism and he brings me such a feeling of peace....that I've never known before. He just feels like home.

DH. Cooks for me almost every night. Finding surprise things for us to do on dates that he knows I'd love and booking them. He is a real animal lover too, and rescues snails that are ruining his plants, and liberates them in parks and hedgerows rather than using pest controls. He sets spiders free when I squeal in terror at them.

My uncle. He's an ex soldier and has an injured leg. I will always remember him getting down onto the floor with great difficulty (when he thought no one was looking) so that he could play train sets with my very young DC.

My manager was such a lovely man. Really funny and warm and friendly. He's retired now and I'm sad about it. Got a couple of sweet male coworkers as well though.
My dad was a wonderful man. He had his human flaws like anyone but he was a gentle sweet person who loved trains and his dog. Funny and sociable too. He read me a bedtime story every night till I hit my teens and he would do all the voices. He was wonderful to my mother too. Taking early retirement from a job he lived when she was diagnosed with a life changing illness. Becoming her carer and waiting on her hand and foot until his death.
My husband is also a lovely man. Genuinely cares about all his patients. Goes above and beyond for everyone. Writes poetry. Spends loads of time with our children. Spends an hour each weekday doing some reading and writing with our middle daughter who has some learning issues. He stayed in the hospital for 5 days and nights with our 3rd baby when she was ill, so I could stay at home as I hate hospitals. He helps me care for my mother now, drives her places, does her shopping etc. He will always pick me up if I txt him to regardless of time or distance.
I also have a male friend of 20 years who was really there for me when an ex turned violent. He rang the police and spoke to them He fobbed him off when he came round looking for me, and he didn't tell me that he'd been there or that he was threatening to harm himself if I didn't speak to him.. instead he phoned an ambulance and had them do a welfare check on him. I'm so grateful to this day because I would have felt so guilty and probably gone out there to comfort him or something daft.. but my friend he just dealt with it and didn't involve me. It's not much of a stretch to say he maybe saved my life because I would have probably gone back if it weren't for the police input he got for me.

Then I've met some lovely random men.
A man just stopped once to help me fix some plumbing issue that was causing water to pour out of the side of my house. He was just walking past and he stopped to help sort it.

Another guy, an amazon delivery driver, drove me and my mums dog to the vets after he had run in front of a car (which just drove off!) This amazon delivery driver saw the whole thing and helped us get the dog inside. Then when he saw we didn't have a car he drove me and dog to the nearest vets in his van AND waited around to see if I needed a lift back.

Once when I was walking home from a night shift a girl up the road in front of me got jumped by a group of lads with a baseball bat who started hitting her etc.. we were both screaming.
It was next to some uni halls and these 3 young guys heard us screaming and came running out. They chased the men off and actually managed to apprehend one and hold him on the ground till the police arrived.

I also had a lovely old landlord once for a few years in my twenties who really looked out for me. I was a lodger in his house along with another person. He was very fatherly with not a hint of perviness about it. He had a beautiful garden that he'd give me money off the rent for looking after when he went away.
I couldn't go home for Christmas one year and he made me a Christmas dinner before he left to go and be with his family.

My DP is a very good egg. He is the best person I know. He has a smile, a friendly hello and a chat for anyone he comes across on a dog walk. He would do anything for anyone, and do it not for the praise, or to be seen as a good guy, but just because that’s who he is

He is always considerate of me, asks my opinions, listens to my concerns, and gives the best hugs when I need one. He always brings me tea in bed, and makes sure he has my favourite snacks in.

One of my earliest dating moments with him that made me think he was a keeper was when a slug wandered into his kitchen. He took such care in picking it up, doing it so gently as it was sticking to the floor tiles, to make sure he didn’t hurt it, and then popped it on a bush outside

We don’t live together, and the other day I was looking back through video doorbell footage, when I caught a video of him casually pulling weeds out of my front garden and then walking down to the nearby bin with them before coming back and ringing the bell. He never said a word to me about it, just quietly doing something to make my day a tiny bit better

Although ive met some awful people over my lifetime, I do know loads of lovely men.

Dh is incredibly kind, generous and I have never heard him raise his voice in 25 years together. He adores me and tells me every day. He carries the load of running the house, parenting equally with me.

Ds is lovely too, he is a spotty teenager whos hygiene habits exasperate his sisters but I can hear him being kind to his friends and he is always gentle, nurturing and protective with our dog.

We also have neighbours and friends who are men that I know would help me at a drop of a hat if I needed them. They speak kindly about their wives and are proud fathers.

I know more good than bad.

I don't personally know any.... but

A few weeks ago my cat was run over outside my house. It was awful. A man had seen what had happened, got out of his car and waited with me whilst I waited for my friend to come and get us to take us to the vets. My cat died whilst I was waiting.

The man stayed with me whilst I was waiting, was as kind as he could be in the situation and before I rang my friend he offered to take me and my cats to the vets

The next day, he didn't knock on but he did come and post a nice card with lovely words in it and £20 towards a memorial for my cat

It was really really nice of him. I'm actually welling up just thinking about how kind he was during and after

Nice stories, but FYI, gas camping stove indoors is dangerous (carbon monoxide)

My DP is incredibly kind and lovely. We’ve been together for over 20 years now and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him raise his voice in anger. He’s no pushover and will totally stand his ground with people, but in the calmest and most reasonable way imaginable. It’s genuinely impressive to witness. He’s a lovely, gentle, funny, supportive partner; I couldn’t be more lucky.

My brother is also lovely. He’s a brilliant dad to his children and stepchildren. People assume he’d be some kind of alpha male type because he’s got a very masculine look and quite a serious face and physically he’s hard as nails, but he’s actually a complete softy. He works with vulnerable people and is really protective of anyone weaker than him. One of my favourite things about him is that he loves tiny, cute little dogs and would have absolutely no embarrassment about walking along with a chihuahua.

My dad died very recently and one of the things that came up time and time again in people’s tributes to him was how kind and thoughtful he was. He was absolutely lovely to my mum and to us kids and was an exemplary family man who taught us kindness and fairness.

All of these stories are so nice to read. I fled DV 8 years ago and I've always been too scared to get into another relationship. Really heartwarming reading these x

This is heartwarming! How kind of him. I’m so sorry to hear about your cat 💔

I’ve thought of one, my ex boss.
Calm, caring, helpful and excellent at explaining things. Always fair. Had amazing taste in music and a great sense of humour.

My husband is the same and actually drives me insane because I then wish he had stronger opinions on everything! He will do anything for a quiet life which at times is quite frustrating!

I know quite a few men overall and they all have huge virtues. Not perfect, any more than I am.

My son. I doubt he’s an angel but he is gentle, level headed, hardworking fairly thoughtful and loving.

My dp is fab. He will put himself so far out for other people. He is a chatty, kind and extremely gentle person who has been a vegetarian for decades and adores all animals. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He’s also completely competent at adulting which is very restful.

My brother. Devoutly religious but you would never know it. In 40 years since he found God he’s only once even mentioned the idea of religion to me. He is active, moral and almost ludicrously hard working. I wouldn’t know if he’s easy to be married to but I know that he tries.

Tbh I know a lot of others too.

My husband. He puts up with a lot from me. I have been unwell for many years and I hate it. It has affected our intimacy, my energy, etc. He has been nothing but patient and gentle when I am exhausted or resentful. He is a generous, devoted dad who knows and respects his kids and I as individuals. He commented recently about how some men seem to only view their kids as reflections on themselves, and I reassured him that none of us ever felt that way. Money has been tight and we have been driving old clunky cars. Mine isn’t worth fixing, so he decided that rather than slightly upgrading two cars, He would feel better if I got a new one, as his is still okay for now. I pick mine up tomorrow.

My adult 2 ds's are both gentle men who listen and don't judge, who would help anyone out if they could and respect women. I love them to bits but I'm in also proud of the lovely men they have grown up into.

My partner is so loving and kind and thinks of all kinds of ways he can help me with the health problems I'm having at the moment. He doesn't hold back on expressing his love and would drop anything for me at any time. He is truly considerate and generous. I'm worried I don't deserve him to be honest. He's a wonderful man. Hunky and cuddly too!

Really just placemarking here, but my stepfather was such a diamond. It was a privilege to have him in my life - he died last year (very old, short illness). I was delighted for my mum, who deserved a husband like him from the start. She idolises my dad's memory, unfortunately. He was not gentle or caring.

My DS. Since my DH died last Christmas, my DS has really shown what a beautiful, caring human being he is. He’s been there for me whenever I’ve needed him. And he looks after his lovely DW and their two DC. He’s amazing.

My husband is a wonderful human being. A real man, with quiet strength and just endless love for me and our kids (and the single mum who raised him).

My dad is also pretty great. Patient and deeply kind. I always felt loved by him growing up and he would do anything for me.

My brother can come across as a macho dweeb but he’s a big softy and is full of love:)

I’m quite lucky. Everyone should have good men in their lives.

my DS, my Dad, my BIL, my band mates, my colleagues, my partner

I’m very lucky to know loads of lovely men. They are the majority in real life, in my experience - but some of the experiences I read on here shock me

I wouldn't be showing my teenage son the misandry on MN, I don't think it's good for them to see.

He'a gorgeous. I LOVE a good daddy fox. We had a family of foxes in our garden, and when the mum was tired and fed up of feeding and pushed them away, he would bustle around them and herd them away from her, carrying scraps of food to the top of thd garden and playing with them while she slept under the apple tree.