Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

totally agree with this.

Exactly this. It’s one Christmas and mum is the priority. It does seem, however unintentionally, that MiL hasn’t given a thought to OP’s mum in her rush to have what seems like the whole family present on the day.

How can people be bothered with this shite really?

Just have your Christmas, hope everybody is in good health and have a bit of extra food. End of.

My df is sick too so I am inviting dparents here for Christmas, mil always spends the day here and is never a bother. You simply don't have the room to host more people just enjoy the day with your parents and I hope your dm health improves. You offered to host they declined . Dh will just have to see the rest of the family another day I'm sure no one will mind given the circumstances

Yanbu. You invited DH's family so they didn't feel "left out" and they have chosen to do something different. That's ok. They don't have to accept.

You still have your Christmas at your home with your mum. DH's parents can be at their home and are free to do so. DH's siblings and their families have 2 invitations, one of which they have already accepted. DH should message them to confirm that Christmas at yours is still going ahead as planned and please confirm whether their acceptance still stands so that you can book your food orders appropriately. DH can go to his parents on Boxing Day if he wants to - Christmas is a 12 day festival so there'll be plenty of time to celebrate with family members who aren't together on the Christmas day itself.

I'm having Christmas Day alone. Husband died 5 years ago, no kids and extended family are all scattered.

What is this obsession people have with wanting all the close family together in one tight space? I'll be fine and cope very well.

Dear MIL sorry you have changed your plans, we will still be having Christmas here as planned due to Mums treatment. Happy to host those who have already accepted invites still. We hope we will see you at some point over Christmas.

And post discussion over siblings can decide what to do. Your mum to be fair would be better with smaller crowds, if Dh complains ask what he would do if it was his mum

MIL didn't propose a different plan though did she? She just took it on herself to cancel OP's invitation and then informed everyone with no discussion. Yes wildly unreasonable. Whether Christmas dinner invites or any other form of invitation is irrelevant - there was an invitation which she rudely changed. Like I said previously, she should have sensitively discussed this with OP and everyone should have been included and not unilaterally inform everyone that it's a done deal. And personally,under these difficult circumstances, I'd be flexible with my DIL. The way it was done was pretty shitty.

Just have what you want in your house and enjoy it. Let your MIL have whatever she wants.

Don’t be drawn into any of this. Good luck. I hope this is the first Christmas of many you really enjoy.

Yes, I think it’s fine. Maybe not so much the big announcement in September on Facebook but deciding to host her own Christmas is OK. Your husband has you and his own children to hang around with.

MIL sounds like the type to find something to get annoyed about anyway, so I wouldn't let that sway your decision too much! I can understand why she wants to host, so she doesn't exclude her daughter and her family, but it was rude of her not to speak to you to decline your invite and just announce what she's doing in a group chat.

In this instance, of course you should prioritise your own parents this year. If MIL kicks off given the situation, then she'll look like an insensitive cow to anyone with half a brain cell. Presumably, you could arrange something with DH's side of the family either before of after Christmas Day, so noone misses out on seeing anyone.

DH’s siblings were in fact invited by OP.

Ah.. misread it, sorry. I read it as DHs sister and family, not MIL sister. Even so, if OP mother has been ill it wouldn't hurt to just have the day at home for once, and could organise seeing the others another time.

Jesus what a lot of drama over 1 day. I’m sure your husband can cope with having a day without his siblings and can withstand any emotional blackmail by saying you’re doing what is best for your mum who is going through chemo. It’s really not a big deal.

DH's siblings were invited.

OP couldn't fit in aunt/uncle/cousins as well

Your dm trumps his and you are in no way unreasonable my dear

Given that OP is trying to do her best for her mum who has cancer, it’s a bit callous to call it shite is it not ? The good health comment is a bit crass too given the circumstances.

It would be unwise to give in to her tantrum.
Your mum matters too. Don't change your plans. Have Christmas with your mum. Your mil was invited. She chose to do something else so you continue your plans without her.

I don’t think the drama is caused by OP. I think her problem lies in the repercussions for everyone if MiL doesn’t get her way.

Spot on.

@CatherinedeBourgh are you the MIL? The OP’s mum has cancer. Of course she wants to put her mum first and spend time with her.

@Owly11 it is the MIL that is making a drama out of it and is the one being unreasonable, not the OP.

Absolutely agree. It sounds as though MiL hasn’t really taken in the situation. If OP’s mum is still undergoing treatment at Christmas it would be unwise to attend a large gathering anyway.

So DH must see his siblings on Christmas Day but MIL is unreasonable for wanting to be with hers? DH needs to prioritise OP and his MIL this Christmas.

I haven’t read all of the replies, but I think you’ve made it clear that you’re having Christmas at home this year by inviting them to yours along with your side of the family. I would personally see this as they originally accepted and then changed their minds and have now unaccepted the invitation to be at yours. I would just be saying “we’re sticking to our original plans” and then your DH is obviously welcome to spend time at your ILS if he wishes. If you’ve invited your DH’s parents and siblings, then you’ve already offered a lot and it was pretty rude of them to invite more people. The only time I’ve ever asked to bring another person along at Christmas was when we had plans to go to DM and MIL was going to be alone on Christmas. To invite a whole family along is cheeky on my opinion.

OP I would politely decline the invitation to have Christmas at her house and explain that you’ll be sticking to your original plans. You can arrange to see them on a different day over the holidays, your DH can still go and visit his parents if he wishes to.

Nope. Not implying that or anything else, at all. I was simply correcting another poster who was under the impression that OP had not invited DHs siblings when she actually had, because it was relevant to their post.

The problem arose when MiL wanted to invite her sisters’ family comprised of five people and there was no room at OP’s to accommodate them. I don’t think MiL is unreasonable at all for wanting to host a bigger gathering.

Where l do think she’s unreasonable is in taking over the whole thing without any prior notice, or even discussion with OP, and simply announcing it via WhatsApp. That’s rude. And she clearly hasn’t given a thought to the fact that OP’s mum is seriously unwell and undergoing extremely unpleasant treatment, and may just want the quiet Christmas she was offered.

As long as there are no tantrums if/when OP says they won’t be attending the gathering there’s no problem, but OP has indicated that’s not the case. Which is unreasonable.