Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

Same. We won't see my mum this Christmas because she's got to be really careful.

Tbf it’s entirely possible that MIL’s sister/DH’s aunt is also unwell or has other reasons for needing to be hosted by MIL.

The only thing that’s unacceptable is the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail of DH so that there’s even a conversation about OP and her DM. For MIL to extend the invitation to OP’s DM too suggest she knows mother and daughter should be together this year.

I'd reply in the group chat "Oh so sorry we can't all be together as planned. As you know my mum is having treatment for cancer so it is important to us to have christmas with her in our home this year. never mind. I hope we all have a lovely christmas

I would be cross too, sounds like MIL is only thinking of herself and wanting her own way. In this situation I think your mum’s needs and health are the most important so I would carry on as planned.

I would say no and you’ll see her another time. If your DH wants to go for a portion of the day let him. I would stand firm and let your DH explain this.

Host your mum and politely explain your mum’s health is the priority.

Your mum's situation is the important factor here.
Chemo takes it out of people and not knowing your mum's prognosis ,this Christmas might be one that you will be especially memorable for you.
Last Christmas my DH was going through chemo . It was to be our last Christmas together and he wanted to spend it quietly at home.
So our family visited in the morning and we had a lovely day together.
You do you OP and don't get hassled into something you don't want

So MIL accepted your invite but has now gone and bumped you to do her own thing?

Yet she would give DH a hard time if he didn’t follow her plans?

sounds like a right cow wouldn’t be spending Xmas with

The issue is MIL assuming that she could change Ops plans without consulting Op and DH.
Or giving a thought to Ops family.

I think Op just needs to reply, "Sorry that doesn't work for us, we will catch up with you after Christmas"

Then just focus on your own day making it as chilled out and special as possible.

MIL sounds like she loves the drama.

Do what YOU want to do and tell DH to do as he chooses, not your fault it’s ended up like this.

I’d have hated going to someone else’s family at Christmas when I was having chemo. You just want to be comfortable and happy with your nearest and dearest.

I’d be asking DH to make an exception this year especially as it was the original plan.

I wonder if MIL is actually trying to do Op a favour by hosting the rest of DHs family and leave Op to have a quietish Christmas with her mum.
Even if she's written it a bit weird and it can be hard to convey what people really mean when they write stuff rather than speak. Tone gets lost.

Intended or not shes done Op a favour

Well, of course you must spend it with your mum and dad at home. Your mum is having chemo, there's no discussion, she comes first. DH can go and see his parents on Christmas Eve, or boxing Day, or later on Christmas Day if he really must.

Don't allow your sick mother to be caused any suffering or extra struggle. It doesn't matter at all what MIL wants or says on the matter, look up grey rocking.

YANBU - cross on your behalf! Why on earth would your MIL think that your mum would manage to travel and be part of a party of 10+ whilst undergoing chemo?! She's very selfish.

You know if it’s some sort of slight at you. If so play dumb and carry on with your Christmas arrangements. She couldn’t possibly have meant that you couldn’t have your Christmas anymore, she must be gracefully backing out so her sister has somewhere to go.. and she included you in her messages to keep you in the loop… right? 😉

YANBU
Terrible MiL behaviour. Accepts an invite and then not only changes her mind but changes the plan without consulting you and assumes you will do what she suggests. Which is clearly out of the question.

WTH??? How is she being unreasonable?

MIL is free to decline and organize her separate event but the she went about it while undermining OP is ridiculous and mean. Did we read the same post or are you MIL in disguise?

See i have wondered if thats what Mil was trying to do. Host the rest of the family giving Op time to focus on a quieter Christmas for her mum.

It could be interpreted that way even if it was a bit clumsy. She is possibly fully expecting Op to reply "Sorry we are hosting my parents"

You must not force your sick mother to have a shit Christmas. Do not do this. Your mum comes to yours as planned and agreed, you have a nice relaxing day. Dh can flounce off at some point if he must. MIL can and must be totally ignored, do not feed into her nonsense, just grey rock any attempts at drama. Sorted.

No, you have it the wrong way around.

Honestly, I’d thank her profusely for being so very understanding about you and your kids staying at yours to be with your sick mother. Just act as though you assume that is her plan.

You explained it perfectly. Ignore stupid inflammatory comments.

Your MIL accepted your kind offer of asking her for Christmas. She then changed her mind and declined your offer,
imperiously and without discussion announcing it would be now held at hers. This was incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

Do what YOU want to do, have a lovely Christmas at yours with your Mum and don’t give it further thought. I hope DH’s
siblings come to you too.

MIL's other DC have been invited. It's MIL's sister and her sister's adult children that haven't been. OP doesn't have room for 5 additional guests and her mum's immune system will be compromised due to the chemo so more guests increases the risk of her catching something.

Having accepted OP's invitation, MIL has announced that she is unilaterally completely changing the previously agreed Christmas plans. MIL sounds rude and overbearing and without any thought or concern for OP's immunity-suppressed mum.

I think the mistake was inviting the MIL in the first place. You can see MIL and wider family after Christmas, prioritise your mum. I doubt she’d want to make polite chit chat with your MIL anyway.

It's totally comparable. An invite went out and was accepted (presumably by all parties). Several days later MIL, without any consultation, unilaterally cancels the host's invite and announces she's now hosting. That IS exceptionally rude.

If MIL was unhappy there should have been a lot of discussion with everyone but especially OP and DH and she should have been diplomatic and sensitive. Frankly, in MIL's position and under the circumstances, I would have let it slide this year.