Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

@Christmasoutlaw

No, sorry, I don’t think I explained it well in the OP. DH’s siblings were invited to ours along with PIL. MIL wanted to invite her sister and family i.e DH’s aunt and cousins as well.

Your OP was perfectly clear

That is appalling behaviour from your MIL and you absolutely cannot give in and go there. Emotional blackmail is not a reason to go! You must stick to your guns on this, it really isn’t appropriate for your DM to go there or for you to cancel on your DM just because of MIL’s tantrum.

MIL was offered chance to have you host including her other children. She didn’t even do you the courtesy of letting you know privately about not coming or any change of plan. She thinks she can ride roughshod over you even at this difficult time. Absolutely.no.way. Nothing would make me cave on this.

Simply say hopefully see you some time after or before Christmas. If they question it say as you know that won’t work for us. If your DH doesn’t get on board with this he needs help.

As OP has pointed out, this isn’t the situation. But if it was, so what? Many people alternate years with families and most probably rarely if ever get to have all their DC if they have more than one together. One covers the others off year etc. No way would that take priority over OP seeing her mum.

This is one of those frustrating situations where a person isn't unreasonable in their desires, or in their plans, but is highly unreasonable in how they went about it.

There isn't anything wrong with the MIL wanting to spend Christmas with her family... or with suggesting that a bigger house where everyone can be together is a good idea.

But that all should have been done in the initial conversations. When you first invited her, she should have checked with her sister and with you, and then during that initial planning time she could have "offered" the alternate bigger venue.

That would have been completely reasonable, and you would have been completely reasonable to either accept or continue with your plan.

The way she has actually done it though? Is awfully inconsiderate and controlling.

The "frustrating" part for me, is I doubt she will understand that. I've known people like this, and they tend to focus in on the "reasonable" parts, and gloss over what they did wrong. I guarantee in an argument she will just keep going to "Well, It isn't wrong to want to be with my sister?" and "Well my house is bigger and can solve the problem" - both of which are fine... but neither excuses the behavior.

What an unnecessarily nasty post. Also you've clearly misread/misunderstood the OP's post.

MIL's dc ARE all invited. It was MIL's sister, husband kids etc for that extended family that wasn't because they understandably want a low key Christmas and don't have the space. MIL hasn't accepted this and has now invited all round to hers. She didn't have to do this. If it was so important MIL that all her dc were together she simply could have accepted the OP's invitation, but SHE has chosen not to. How does that make OP unreasonable?

@Christmasoutlaw, it's one day - until age 43 I'd had every Christmas with my parents and then my daughter was born v prematurely meaning Christmas was spent at the hospital. Yes I missed my family, but as I said it's one day that passes quickly. We had fun catching up at a later date.

Your family is going through a lot. Have the day that YOU want. Your husband can catch up with family later in the evening, or the following day. This situation has been created by MIL so I wouldn't feel guilty.

Then she should also know that the standard advice for someone undergoing chemotherapy is to be extremely careful. Attending a large gathering like this is risky while your immune system is severely compromised by the treatment and falling ill can delay ongoing treatment.

OP was proposing a smaller gathering at her own home with immediate family and from what she’s said, l suspect left to her own devices would not have invited PiL and siblings - which is understandable given the circumstances. At home there where would be more control and likely a private space for her mum to retreat to when needed. MiL seems to have ridden roughshod over OP’s plans and is prioritising what she wants without considering the bigger picture, and seemingly will be difficult if things don’t go her way.

OP if this is the case, you need to stop trying to please everyone and do what’s best for your mum. Get DH on board and both have a quiet chat with MiL and tell her firmly that it’s inappropriate to expect your mum to cope with a large gathering in unfamiliar surroundings, where her already fragile health could be further compromised. If MiL wants to host wider family that’s up to her, but l’d be making it clear that for this year, your mum is the priority and you will be hosting her at home. DH could maybe join them later in the day for a while. It’s one Christmas and l think your mum is the priority.

This isn’t hard at all - your MIL has been very unreasonable.

You, DH, DC and your DPs stay at home and do Christmas together. DH can visit his family with the DC on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, or even Christmas night for a couple of hours while you stay at home and drink Baileys.

Your MIL sounds controlling. Once DC are adults you don’t have to all spend Christmas Day together. Your DM has had chemo, she comes first. Stay at home.

Would DHs siblings not stick with the invitation they already accepted?

Tell her no we will not be attending as seeing your parents takes precedence this year.

I'd host DHs siblings some other time over Christmas and sack MIL off this year.

I think I’d stand my ground and not see them. It was rude of mil to change plans like that. Maybe see them Boxing Day.

id also be annoyed if siblings dropped your invite for mils that is also rude.

Yet another thread where the OP doesn't come back and engage with the folk who have bothered to write a reply.

Your mum shouldn't be around loads of people when she's having chemo as she's at a higher risk of infection.....just carry on with your plans and keep repeating the above to mil if she whines about it.

She created the thread just before 7pm last night, and has already come back with one reply. It’s not even been 12 hours. People do have lives you know.

Yet another poster who thinks that threads are created purely to entertain and amuse others…

Give her a chance, it’s only been 12 hours since she posted and most of that’s been overnight - she’s already replied once on page 4.

That's a good point.

I'd be sticking to staying home.

I'm amazed at how many people try to combine everyone they know on Christmas day all the time. Unless you literally only get one day off for Christmas and no weekends on December and January, why not spread out seeing people?

Dh and I haven't had many Christmas days with our siblings since we all had kids and partners and in laws. And we haven't spent every Christmas with our parents since we moved in together. We still see all those people to celebrate Christmas every year, just not all together on Christmas Day. And that's not new to our generation. I don't remember ever seeing my uncle and aunt our cousins on Christmas day growing up, but always looked forward to our Christmas get together. Much nicer to have multiple events to look forward to than one really hectic squashed day with people who wouldn't usually mix i think.

I think ops mum takes priority this year. Stick with your plan to have your parents to you this year. Decline mil invitation and arrange to see them a different day so that dh still gets the with his siblings.

I’d love it if I got out of hosting. Sounds like she wants everyone all together and her intention seems to be good to also be including your mum. Maybe I’m missing something? If your Mum is wanting a quiet day with you maybe ask MIL to cook later and you have the morning and lunch with your mum before heading over to their house. Hope your mum does ok.x

On the group, assuming it doesn't contain the extra aunt etc:

"Hi all. We are carrying on with the original plan of Christmas day here. <Siblings>, could you let us know if you will still be joining us before we order the turkey?! Lots of love"

Even better if it's your DH who sends it.

Then just let it play out and don't stress op, it sounds like you have a lovely day planned regardless.

Your MIL has made a unilateral decision that could make your mum sick. I'd be furious.

Tell her, not tip toe around her, but TELL her that your mum is not travelling any further and that it will be too much for her and too many people for her immune system to be around.

Your mum is having life saving treatment and everyone is worrying about upsetting MIL. I'm furious on your behalf.

Your mother undergoing chemotherapy needs to be very careful who she mixes with especially with all the flu and covid going around in cold weather. I think your MIL is being totally unreasonable. When I went for bereavement counselling ages ago, I was told to just keep repeating in a short sentence what I did not have capacity for i.e. My mum is my priority this Christmas and I do not have capacity for lots of people this Christmas. Please arrange your own Christmas and we'll see you Boxing Day/New Year's Day. Please put your mum first.

This ......
Your husband can't complain if he wasn't going to see them anyway!! So if his parents decide they're not coming to yours that's on them. Clearly not bothered if they see you and your husband or not. Stay home with kids and your parents.

The point you seem to be missing is that OP’s mum is currently undergoing chemotherapy which not only has some nasty and sometimes embarrassing side effects, but can severely compromise the immune system. OP clearly recognises that her mum shouldn’t be in large gatherings, and from the wording on her original post, she only invited PIL and DH siblings so they wouldn’t feel left out - l get the feeling that this was to appease a difficult MiL.

I had cancer treatment earlier this year, and about the last thing l would have wanted to do was be in unfamiliar surroundings with lots of people l didn’t know well, and spend the day anxious as to what side effects may appear - not to mention potentially feeling unwell and not having my own private space to rest when l needed to.

Your mum has cancer. No one else's feelings and ego should matter. If people can't make allowances and be understanding when your mum and family are going through this then they aren't very nice people. Your husband needs to explain to his parents that his mil needs her family around her but also peace and quiet.

Of course it's not comparable for the reasons explained.

An invite went out and was accepted (presumably by all parties). Several days later...

Come on. So...
someone suggests a plan for Christmas in september. you initially respond favourably. Then a few days later - and after further clarification on which family will be included in the plan for Christmas - you propose a different plan (this is still in September and 3 months before Christmas) this is wildly unreasonable and akin to reneging on locked in plans or retrospectively organising a dinner party on the same day as someone's pre-announced dinner party? This is not a reasonable position to maintain.

OP invited DH’s parents and his siblings for Christmas, so he would have seen them if MiL had not rearranged the whole thing as a wider family gathering which she is now hosting.

It’s fine as long as MiL understands that for all the reasons mentioned upthread, it’s not reasonable to expect someone undergoing chemotherapy to want to attend a big family gathering in unfamiliar surroundings, instead of the quiet close family Christmas they had ben offered at their DDs home, where they can relax and not worry about feeling ill, tired or experiencing treatment side effects, and can rest as needed. Not to mention being very unwise to be in a big gathering while the immune system is so severely compromised, given that the slightest infection can be serious and can delay treatment.