Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

To be honest christmas at yours with your parents .might be better for your mum. Minimise infection risk.

@Rosscameasdoody it’s only drama if her and her husband engage with it. She also implies her husband has an issue with not seeing his siblings (sure he can cope). This barely warrants a shrug to be honest.

I’d stick to your plan I think - chemo can be brutal and getting a cold or other winter bug wouldn't be great for your mum.
The trouble with Christmas is that people drag themselves off their sick bed because “it’s Christmas” merrily infecting everyone else with their germs!
Ask your mum what she would like of course, but I think the less of a crowd this year the better.

Did you miss the part about OP's mum having chemo?

Why do the entitled MIL's feelings trump everyone else's in your eyes?

OP's DH is an adult who should be prioritising his wife and DC over his mother and her interference.

If this is real (and I'm a bit dubious) then I'd crack on with Christmas Day just for you and your parents. If you're happy with it, your DH could go and see his family before Christmas dinner or later in the day. He could take the children to see his family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if he wants to see them. Stick to your guns about spending time with your Mum and treat yourself to an easier M&S Christmas Day where you can focus on being together and supporting her through her illness. How awful that your MIL cant see how important that is.

This.
it was a big shock and quite difficult for me to adapt to Christmas and new year changes as kids got older. You get stuck in family “traditions”, whereas in truth they are habits you adopted when kids were little
Covid and a divorce through Xmas and new year traditions in the bin. I didn’t have both kids (adults) togther with me at Xmas from 2019 to last year. Separately yes, but not at same time. I’ve had a Xmas on my own, and will do agian this year.

but I’ve now embraced this. We are developing some new traditions. I have December birthday so both DC will always come for that (they do live 150 and 200 plus miles away) and we’ll do Xmas then together. We shunt our big family meet up around form new year itself to a day most of us can make, and if a few can’t make it we do a team video call and charades part way through the evening.

sadly no one , not even the MIL here, can freeze a Xmas in the same way as it was when her dc were little. Priorities change as kids grow older. It’s sad at first, but then you accept and embrace the new.

What am I missing? It seems perfectly reasonable from MIL to me. She wants Christmas with her family, so she's organised that. It's up to you and DH if you join her (which neither of you should imo).

I have adult DC, they're all free to do as the please for Christmas, but if one had plans that didn't include the others, I'd do something that did.

Your MIL sounds like a bloody pain in the arse.

Put your mum first and do christmas at yours despite what your MIL "wants to do".

We usually hosted everyone at ours and had done for many years.

Our son (28) passed away in June - he was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in June 2022 - we decided for every christmas that we had with him, we would do what he wanted and we did. Just us, DS2, DIL and granddaughter. He loved curry, so we had takeaway. Best christmas's ever.

You know accept her hospitality because one day it will just be you. I'm 59 and my brother and both sets of parents have passed.
Spend some of your saved cash on a car service from your house if the drive is too much for your mum. Get one of those Mercedes mpv.
Order in Marks food for later in the holidays.
I do a curry party on the Saturday between Christmas and new year. We had 20+ last year. It's always fun.

If MIL had politely offered to host at hers so that everyone could fit, then been understanding when you declined, that would be fine. But to inform everyone she was now hosting is beyond rude. You have planned your Christmas, and invited her, she is free to decline that invite. But you are free to continue doing what you planned.

I'd see it as a bonus that your mum can have a quiet Christmas with you and DC at a time she may be feeling tired, ill and quite vulnerable. It also massively reduces risk of her catching a virus. DH can suck up spending one Christmas without his siblings and cope with his mum's guilt tripping for the sake of you and your Mum. Honestly, I'd be pretty pissed off if he made a big deal out of that when your mum has cancer. Then make a plan to all catch up with his family on boxing day or whenever. I think it's important to set a boundary with MIL over this. It's incredibly rude to accept an invitation then dictate guests and hijack the day.

"This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one."

I think this needs expanding on but from your initial OP, I think I'd be fuming too. It's the fact that your IL's said 'yes' to your invite that included your DH's sibling/husband/kids so your IL's would be sharing the day with their kids but MIL then invited her own Dsis + family to hers. MIL DSis has a DH and adult children for Christmas Day - why, all of a sudden is MIL saying it would mean that 'they're on their own'? They aren't? They have each other?

I feel a bit sorry for your DH as he's between a rock and a hard place inasmuch that he clearly will spend the day with you but misses out on the potential of a joint xmas day with his sibling and this is solely because his own DM has thrown a spanner in the works.

Can your DH have a chat with his sibling and get them to still come to yours for Xmas day, leaving their DM (your MIL) to host her sister and family for the day? I fail to see why MIL should dictate to your DH's sibling about where they spend the day too?

Edit: addition to final paragraph.

Is she aware of your mum's chemo, and why she has to come to you (can't travel the distance)?
Could she hold her day on Boxing Day instead?

Your mother in law isn't being unreasonable in wanting as much of her family together on christmas day as possible, especially if she has the room to host. While your mother has immediate health worries, I assume your mil is getting on and aware that her Christmases are limited - it's not weird for her to want to spend it with her sister and extended family,

You, however, are definitely not being unreasonable in wanting this christmas to be about your mum, with plans that work for her health and energy levels.

It puts your husband in an awkward position, but I reckon cancer trumps everything else. You should stay at home and have a quiet christmas with your folks.

I wouldn’t even consider going. You invited MIL, and then she changed her mind and decided to not attend and have Xmas at her home instead. Just carry on with your original plans.

Very rude to accept an offer and then dictate guests.

And then when not successful in pressuring the host, cancel (without telling the host) and rearrange the lunch to their own design.

Have lunch with Mum. Your DH can catch up with his family another day or later in the evening.

Ring her.

Hi Brenda! All ok? With regards to Christmas, my Mum and Dad are coming here as planned. With the chemo and treatment she’s been having she’s not up to travelling to yours, it’s too far there and back. You host yours with your sister and we’ll have a quieter one here this year with everything my Mum is going through. I knew you’d understand and we’ll see you on Boxing Day. I’m so glad that’s sorted Brenda.

YOU NEED TO CALL THE SHOTS and tell her what’s happening - not the other way round. Your Mother’s health is a very valid reason / excuse.

Agreed.

Your Mum is poorly and you planned a Christmas she could cope with.
She comes first.
You can't let someone just alter your plans to suit themselves.. because you can't invite even more people.

Your mum needs a relaxing, unstressful Christmas. You would be very unhappy if that didn't happen.
Your inlaws can see everyone another time over the festive season. It sounds like they have plenty of company for the actual day. So guilt tripping is inappropriate.
There's always Boxing Day or the day after. Any are just as good to meet up.

That's why its called a festive season - so everything doesn't have to be crammed into one day.

I liked @inamo 's suggestion.

In this case, you need to prioritise the time with your mum. Other years, there may be different priorities. Can your DH talk to his siblings and explain a bit? It is the season of Christmas, so can you do other days with his side of the family? I always enjoy Boxing Day etc more than The Day Itself as it is so pressurised.
Not relevant, but I give invites to my family, my DP's family, stray friends, and whoever wants to come, can. I do this safely in the knowledge that they won't all accept, and that I can fit about 10 people (squished but happy) around the table (no room for fancy table decs, or indeed anything except our own plates - who cares?). I smugly get my own way of spending the day at home (important when the kids were littler, less so now). However, dynamics change all the time, so I am open to change too.
I hate Christmas.

Yes to be honest this is the best solution I think, DH could take the kids for a few hours even? It's a long old day and I don't think it's the end of the world if he goes to see his parents for a few hours in the evening and you just chill with your parents?
Also he wasn't going to see his siblings anyway if having christmas at yours?

I would give anything to have another Christmas with my mum. She was going through chemo the Christmas before she died and we have a big family so we were all there. She loved it for a while but it got a bit much for her and she got very tired. I definitely think you should spend it with your mum love. Let DH go to hers if he wants. He can do Xmas morning with you at home then pop off to mum's for lunch.

Why do people make such a fuss about Christmas day. mine and my family's situations (ie not living in same areas, their partners situations etc ) make it impossible to be all together on the day,. I don't mind who I spend it with as long as I'm not alone and there are other days over the festive period when we can be together.
As many posters have said the original poster should stick to her plans for her mum's sake, there are other days around Christmas when they can be with oither family members

Your MIL is rude and being unreasonable. You are not obliged to be part of her drama. You were more than reasonable to invite DHs family to your house alongside your DM who might not be up to a big socialising occasion. Ignore your MIL and enjoy your Christmas with your parents. Your DH should be supporting you. Can't he see his parents and siblings on boxing day?

Well if it’s not a big deal it won’t matter if the Op priorities her Mum.

@Bitolderandwiserapologies - read your post at speed and didn’t clock you agree that Mum should get prioritised. I’m an idiot.