Do you feel pressure to look younger or not aged?

[ChangerMeNamer]

Not a TAAT, but inspired by a recent thread about Botox and beauty standards.

I’m particularly interested to hear from others who have felt this pressure either quite early on (under 30) or at any age due to their career situation. When did this happen for you?

I started to feel pressure to look younger or at least not aged by 29/30, pretty much as soon as I’d had my first child it started. Initially the needing to shift the baby weight and then the tired face from sleepless nights etc. But I felt that was really amplified by the industry I work in, which is media adjacent (not TV/film) but an industry that has a lot of younger trendy people. I have a very senior role and manage a mixed team of people who are all younger than me (except 1 older lady, who shares my concerns).

I’m on the fence about cosmetic procedures, partly due to finances and not being sure I’d be able to maintain it and then being gutted if I had to stop!! But also as I have two young DD’s now and already worry that they see me slapping on a lot of make-up each morning. I try to distract from it and do believe my body/my choice, but it leaves me with a niggling feeling that I am doing them harm tbh.

Be interested to hear what others think🙂

I think the double standard is that for men, looking good and looking old are not considered mutually exclusive. What are the female equivalents of a silver fox, or an outdoorsy man looking rugged? A Helen Mirren-style one-off, basically. When I talked to men about their self-image through our 20s and 30s they all wanted to look older, because they considered that to be the same as looking better. (That's the reason behind a lot of ill-advised male facial hair!)

As I get older I have less sympathy for women my age who bleat about "social pressure". I get it. I've felt it all my life just like you have. But one of the gifts of getting older is that you get wiser and you realise it's bullshit. You also realise that the only person who's going to take the pressure off you is... you. No one will do it for you. So at some point you have to look in the mirror, accept you look 40 and not 25, and realise that you still look good - just in a different way. And if "society" disagrees then society can go fuck itself.

Plus there's the point a lot of PP have made, which really resonates with me - as you get older you also realise how important being healthy is, in a way you never think about when you're 25. It's about keeping your body in good, functional shape for as long as possible. Being fit and strong trumps looking young any day of the week. (They're also correlated, incidentally.) Looking after myself is about going for 15km runs and lifting weights, not injecting crap into my body.

I hear you - you make a lot of sense💪

Botox and having something done doesn't make people look younger.
It makes them look like they've had Botox or something done.
It also makes them all look strangely the same.

In the future there will surely be a type of face that says, 'I had Botox and something done in the 2020s' as clearly as tribal band and chinese letter tattoos say 'I had this done in the 1990s'.

I don't feel pressure... I just feel rejected.
I was bullied as a kid so really it's natural, I'm used to the idea that nothing I do makes other people happy.

I’ve been thinking about this thread today. I think I am growing in confidence as I age and actually see teenage girls and pity them - I would never go back. I feel gorgeous as I am - not perfect, but I am happy in my skin. Love being older, more content, the lines around my eyes are from smiling and laughing. It is a sad thing when an expressive face is seen as aging. Too much energy is spent on these worries - we are here once, life is to be enjoyed.

Every single one of us is aging as we speak. We get older and then one day we will die.
It's a part of life and it's best to just accept it and live your life to the fullest.
Being happy and healthy surrounded by loved ones is all that matters. I'm not saying we can't make ourselves look nice but we really don't need to be injecting ourselves with stuff, especially in our 20's and 30s. I am happy in my own skin and would hate to feel pressure like that. Don't do it to yourselves. 🫂

Mid 40s. I occasionally think about it, but DH would be horrified by the idea and seems to think I’m pretty enough the way I am. I also prefer to be able to be expressive rather than frozen when I’m talking to people. Besides which, I have enough body hang ups that need dealing with first!

A combination of perimenopause and feminism means that I don’t care what people, particularly men, think of me and it’s quite liberating. If anything happened to DH, who is one of the few men I actually rather like, I probably wouldn’t bother with trying to attract another one. Harsh but true!

I think beauty is about so much more than smooth, taught skin and fish lips. Some of the most beautiful women I know are elderly, with twinkly eyes and a sense of mischief in them.

I do buy decent moisturiser and I hate the sun because it makes me swell up, so that probably helps, but I can’t be arsed with foundation or much in the way of make up beyond red lipstick, mascara and a bit of blusher.

The expectation that we should all be having ‘tweakments’ seems to have passed me by, but then am not in a professional, image-conscious job.

I care less about what others think as I have gotten older and it's refreshing. I am heading towards my 40s so I have signs of ageing. I have a small group of friends and half have had botox already and the other half haven't. Whilst they look great and fresh faced, they still look thier age.

Dare I say it, but I actually like my face the way it is (even with the lines) I would hate to have a procedure that could go wrong and end up with a botch job, it's not worth the risk to me.

Reading so many posts from women from 40-70+ who are happy in their own skin is so lovely - it’s given me pause actually. Why am I wasting my energy on this stuff..

Thanks for all the honesty and range of opinions. It’s good to be reminded how much more there is to life (and my face!) 💪🥰

I agree with this, on P1.

No, I've never felt pressure to change the way I look.
My career was based on my skills, abilities and confidence, not what I look like.

No, I honestly haven't felt any pressure to not age. I'm 53. I'm not remotely interested in having any kind of cosmetic procedures, botox etc and I think a lot of the people who have fillers etc look weird, frankly.

This. I am in my early 50s. I have never colored my hair or had any tweakments, and never will. I am greying beautifully and I wear it with pride. I exercise regularly, am fit, eat well, and feel fabulous. I barely wear any make up. I am loved for who and what I am and not for the color of my hair or the texture of my skin.

I have a lovely partner and I regularly get chatted up on trains, in book shops and the like, so a lot of our obsession with looking young is in our heads. There are enough people out there who find real unvarnished people attractive (dare I say it - even more attractive!)

I refuse to give in to the tyranny of perpetual youth. Beauty is not a preserve of the young!

This! I shocked someone at work because I got onto the floor to sort out a cupboard. We're the same age (60) and she was amazed that I can kneel and sit on my heels. I was amazed that she couldn't because she's thinner and, I thought, fitter than me but apparently nowhere near as supple. At my age I'll take that over a few wrinkles any time.

There’s something odd when people have Botox on their face for me.
If it’s someone whose age I know the Botox doesn’t make them look younger to me - just makes them look odd and… dishonest? I don’t like it.
Please be a trend setter by staying ‘natural’ - it sounds like you’re in the right industry to influence some young people (and your daughters).

I don’t feel pressure at all but I do feel a personal desire to not have 11/scowl lines. I don’t like seeing them on my face in the 6-8 hrs of Teams calls I do every day, just sat there in the corner of the screen looking miffed at everyone. I’m not actually miffed I just have shit eyesight so end up squinting and scowling at the screen a lot, although sometimes I’m reacting to yet another banal/annoying/unnecessary request that I could do without.

ive also lost a lot of weight and for the first time ever I am not obese. I have been fat since primary school (I weigh less now than I did when I was 11) and now I’m slim and I want to enjoy a few years of being slim and non-wrinkly. I posted on the other thread that I have recently started getting Botox, not because of anyone else’s opinion of me, not to look a certain way for society or to fit in, but because I am enjoying seeing my face in the mirror looking slim, and happy and youthful (or as youthful as it’s possible for a 41 year old woman who rarely sleeps and spends too much time on a computer). It’s the same reason I’ve been trying on every style and colour of clothes to discover what suits me and makes me feel good, and playing with new makeup and looking for new glasses, and trying to figure out what all the machines at the gym do and going to intro sessions for new hobbies and sports. I feel like I’m re-discovering myself.

Men generally aren’t attracted to the botox / lip filler look though. In fact, a lot of them are quite scathing about it. Women have these tweakments for the approval of other women. Moreover, the vast majority of the aesthetic doctors and nurses who promote and perform the procedures are women. Also, an increasing number of men are having botox.

I just don’t think it is as simple as “let’s blame the patriarchy for what women are choosing to do”.

If you read my comment I clearly said

"I'm not laying the blame on women, but on society as a whole - the patriarchal setup, media, ads, pressure to be perfect etc. It is very hard for women to not feel pressured."

I didn't just blame "the patriarchy". Yes I included it in my list, but I said it was a societal issue as a whole.

Also, let's not forget the insidious impact of pornography.

I think it's strange to push this back more onto women, vs society as a whole though. Why do you think women feel pressured? Where do you think that comes from at its root level? Why does society place a much higher value judgement on women's appearance than men's? What does that tell you about how women are valued and perceived, by both men and women?

I know some men choose these procedures (albeit at lower rates) but FWIW I also disagree with men having tweakments as well.

It's not society, it's biology, would you rather we be like Iran, where women cover themselves up? As long as there are men and women together and free, women will compete with each other to look as attractive as possible. It happens throughout nature. Birds will tweak their feathers.

Why are the only two options being either covered up in a burkha or shooting your face full of toxins? Really weird argument.

I have zero interest in competing with other women to look attractive.

"would you rather we be like Iran" - nice bit of whataboutery.

"It's not society, it's biology"

of course biology plays a part, but failing to recognise the role that society plays in perpetually raising the bar for women's beauty standards is wilfully ignoring or perhaps living in ignorance.

It's driven by capitalism, money, media and big business playing on women's insecurities.

There's a lot of money to be made when women spend their life worrying about if they look good enough, paying for ever ridiculous procedures (that in many cases look completely stupid), perpetuated by the media.

No. I’ve felt the need to look well groomed and dressed nicely but not to look younger. But I worked in publishing and fairly liberal there - if I was in the entertainment industry maybe I would have (talking behind the scenes, obviously those in front of the camera feel the pressure). My DH was a lawyer and the female partners had to look smart but not particularly young. Too young and you wouldn’t be taken seriously.

No. I’ve felt the need to look well groomed and dressed nicely but not to look younger. But I worked in publishing and fairly liberal there - if I was in the entertainment industry maybe I would have (talking behind the scenes, obviously those in front of the camera feel the pressure). My DH was a lawyer and the female partners had to look smart but not particularly young. Too young and you wouldn’t be taken seriously.

No. I’ve felt the need to look well groomed and dressed nicely but not to look younger. But I worked in publishing and fairly liberal there - if I was in the entertainment industry maybe I would have (talking behind the scenes, obviously those in front of the camera feel the pressure). My DH was a lawyer and the female partners had to look smart but not particularly young. Too young and you wouldn’t be taken seriously.

Ok apologies for multiple posts it didn’t seem to work first few presses!

No, but then I have always had to accept that my looks aren't going to advance me in any way. I have a face for radio and I'd need a lot of costly surgery to change that.
I used do make up and all the rest of it. The phrase about silk purses and sow's ears come to mind.
It's harder if your looks have been part of your success, I think. Mine never have.