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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sorry for my friend's daughter?

177 replies

Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 16:29

My friend has been through an incredibly difficult decade. I won't give details because it isn't my place to share her story, but it has been very tough. I have done my best to support in different ways throughout, both emotionally and practically. My friend herself has been amazing...strong, positive and resilient in the face of some tremendous challenges. I really admire her.

Recently, she has made a decision to cut her young adult daughter out of her life. The daughter is toxic in many ways, and her behaviour has been truly dreadful, causing my friend a huge amount of difficulty and stress. Again, I'm not going to provide details because it isn't my story to tell, but suffice to say that I totally understand my friend's decision and I respect that she has to do what she feels she needs to do to preserve her own sanity and protect her younger dc, having previously turned her life upside down in order to try and support the older daughter. I have not questioned my friend's decision or expressed any doubts about it to her.

But actually, I have been struggling with her decision, because I find myself feeling very sorry for the daughter who is now desperately trying to mend the relationship. The pity that I feel is despite the fact that I still feel incredibly angry with the daughter for the way that she has treated her mum. I just can't imagine ever cutting off my dc in a million years. Then again, my dc wouldn't ever behave in the way that my friend's daughter has behaved, so it's a very different relationship.

My friend will not engage with the daughter's attempts to fix things, and I totally understand why. The daughter has a history of being manipulative, and this may just be more of the same. But at the same time, the daughter herself is extremely vulnerable and very messed up, and I can't help not feel sorry for the fact that she has effectively cut off the only solid source of support that she had.

The daughter has now contacted me directly to ask her to intervene with her mum. I will tell her that I definitely can't do this, but I'm wondering if I should offer to at least meet with her myself as she is in a very bad place and I'm worried about her - she has a history of self harm. Should I ask my friend if she is OK with me offering to meet with her daughter, or would it be better off just telling the daughter that I can't get involved? I don't think I would want to have contact with the daughter without sharing this with my friend, as that would feel disloyal.

I have known this young woman since she was a baby, and I had a lot of contact with her when she was growing up. I am under no illusions about how toxic she can be, but I also recognise that she has been through some very tough times herself. WWYD in this situation?

YABU - tell the daughter that you can't get involved and ask her not to contact you again
YANBU - ask your friend if she would mind you offering to meet with the daughter to check on her wellbeing

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:00

HappyByTheRiver · 28/09/2025 17:59

I would just be honest with my friend. Tell her that her daughter has contacted you, what she has said, and ask her what she wants you to do. Then do that.

Thanks. That's probably the best option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:01

DIYagainstMould · 28/09/2025 17:59

I don't think things will go well for you if you engage with the daughter. She's needy and needs to latch onto someone for support. Do you know what's going to be expected from you? No

Yes, this is something I need to consider. I would have to be very clear about boundaries if I met her.

OP posts:
WatchingTheDetective · 28/09/2025 18:08

The problem though is that her daughter will try to get you onside and ruin your relationship with your friend. You know her daughter is manipulative and right now she's trying to manipulate you.

I can understand why your friend has acted as she had - something very serious must have happened to make her react like that. I'd speak to her and ask her what to do, but at the same time if you do keep in contact with her daughter I think you shouldn't see her on her own, because she will do whatever it takes to make you side with her.

RoyalBumWiper · 28/09/2025 18:12

fruitbrewhaha · 28/09/2025 16:33

It’s hard to say without the details. But I wonder how your friend would feel if she knew you were meeting her DD?

It would also depend for me on why she behaves the way she does? Could this be a result of poor parenting?

Yes, this.
Are the siblings much younger than their older sister?
It can really adversely affect older kids when much younger ones arrive on the scene.

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:14

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/09/2025 17:12

@Feelingsorryforher sorry but the daughter is now reaping the consequences of her horrendous actions towards her mother when her mother was at a low ebb!! her mother is now doing the only thing she can do to protect her own mental and possible physical health. has the daughter shown any real remorse towards her mother at all?? I feel that at the moment your loyalty should be to your friend.

She hasn't really shown much remorse, no. I agree that my loyalty should be to my friend. The daughter is undoubtedly reaping what she herself has sowed, but somehow I still feel sorry for her. I think she probably realises deep down that it is her own fault, and that must be awful to have to live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:15

WatchingTheDetective · 28/09/2025 18:08

The problem though is that her daughter will try to get you onside and ruin your relationship with your friend. You know her daughter is manipulative and right now she's trying to manipulate you.

I can understand why your friend has acted as she had - something very serious must have happened to make her react like that. I'd speak to her and ask her what to do, but at the same time if you do keep in contact with her daughter I think you shouldn't see her on her own, because she will do whatever it takes to make you side with her.

Thank you. I think you're probably right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:18

RoyalBumWiper · 28/09/2025 18:12

Yes, this.
Are the siblings much younger than their older sister?
It can really adversely affect older kids when much younger ones arrive on the scene.

Show quote history

Yes, there is an age gap. The eldest did struggle when siblings came along.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 28/09/2025 18:22

I'm surprised she even has your phone nr. How did that even come about?

None of my son's friends have mine.

I would leave well alone. I wouldn't want to be swept up in another family's drama. I would be loyal to my friend.

Her daughter fucked up and will have to find her own way out. It's called being mature.

Marieb19 · 28/09/2025 18:22

You could suggest the daughter approach a family mediation service, there are quite a few who offer the service free of charge. They can then approach your friend with a view to facilitate and mananage an online meeting.

Branleuse · 28/09/2025 18:24

Youre too close to the situation to be able to help. I think it would be best to tell the daughter that as much as you wish it had all turned out differently, that you aren't going to be a go-between, and that there have been many missed chances to improve things before it got to this stage. That the best thing she could do at this point would be to work on herself and take time to see what went wrong, and you hope that in time the relationship can be repaired, but its too soon, and that you care, but not getting involved

Horsie · 28/09/2025 18:29

I cannot imagine ever cutting off my own child, but without the details it's hard to judge.

I would be worried about the daughter's mental state and I would meet her. You're your own person. You don't need your friend's permission.

SirBasil · 28/09/2025 18:29

My friend will not engage with the daughter's attempts to fix things, and I totally understand why. The daughter has a history of being manipulative, and this may just be more of the same. But at the same time, the daughter herself is extremely vulnerable and very messed up, and I can't help not feel sorry for the fact that she has effectively cut off the only solid source of support that she had.

nah. That is the entitlement of the young. The daughter pushed too hard and now she needs to find other ways of turning her life around. And when she can behave decently, consistently, she can try to repair the relationship with her mother. She is in the Find Out phase of FAFO

Everyone has a breaking point.

Nestingbirds · 28/09/2025 18:30

‘Your dd has been in touch, I am concerned about her welfare and state of mind. I would like to ensure no harm comes to her but I really don’t want to compromise our friendship. I have always understood and respected your decision, and I am really sorry you are all suffering like this’

RoyalBumWiper · 28/09/2025 18:32

Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:18

Yes, there is an age gap. The eldest did struggle when siblings came along.

Show quote history

It likely has a huge bearing on how this young woman behaves
So often on here we see older siblings pushed out- usually by a shiny, new, blended family- don't know if that's the case here- and I know you don't wish to "out" your friend, but I do feel for the older one.
I don't know what you should actually do but it's lovely that you have empathy for a troubled young woman
I'm sorry you're in this difficult spot.

Nestingbirds · 28/09/2025 18:32

You have known dd since she was a baby, so that changes things. Can you live with the worst case scenario? Thats what I would be asking myself, and go from there.

Abandonment by a parent is possibly the very worst form of rejection one can experience.

Icanttakethisanymore · 28/09/2025 18:33

I can’t imagine ever giving up on my child. I say that with no judgement because I acknowledge that ‘giving up’ might be the right thing in some circumstances but … it’s hard to imagine. I’d help them reconcile if I felt it was the right thing.

MidnightMusing5 · 28/09/2025 18:35

Your friend is teaching her daughter a lesson. Don’t push her to mend. Daughter needs to sit a while with how she has been.

your friend will more than likely build bridges in the future.

meganorks · 28/09/2025 18:38

If you wouldn't do anything with out your friend okaying it, then why don't you just speak to her about it? The issue is, if her daughter is talking to you, she might think she will automatically be dragged back into it. Maybe she will say 'you do what you want, but don't talk to me about it'.

In all honesty though, it does sound like the daughter is being manipulative here. So tread carefully. If she starts bringing the drama to your doorstep, how are you going to feel?

What are timescales we are talking about here also? Because I would say if someone has gone to the level of cutting someone off, they need to be able to prove themselves to get another look in. Which i would says is at least 6 months or more. Not days/weeks

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:39

RoyalBumWiper · 28/09/2025 18:32

It likely has a huge bearing on how this young woman behaves
So often on here we see older siblings pushed out- usually by a shiny, new, blended family- don't know if that's the case here- and I know you don't wish to "out" your friend, but I do feel for the older one.
I don't know what you should actually do but it's lovely that you have empathy for a troubled young woman
I'm sorry you're in this difficult spot.

Show quote history

Not a new blended family. The siblings all have the same dad.

OP posts:
Suednymph · 28/09/2025 18:42

So your friends daughter is toxic and your friend did nothing on her but shes cut her own daughter who has been known to self harm out of her life? Wow. I would ask myself what if this is the straw that broke the camels back and the daughter did follow through with self harm. Could your friend cope with that?

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:43

suburberphobe · 28/09/2025 18:22

I'm surprised she even has your phone nr. How did that even come about?

None of my son's friends have mine.

I would leave well alone. I wouldn't want to be swept up in another family's drama. I would be loyal to my friend.

Her daughter fucked up and will have to find her own way out. It's called being mature.

She has had my number for years. I can't really remember why. Probably because I picked her up from somewhere or something like that. She used to use it to text thank yous for birthday presents etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:45

Marieb19 · 28/09/2025 18:22

You could suggest the daughter approach a family mediation service, there are quite a few who offer the service free of charge. They can then approach your friend with a view to facilitate and mananage an online meeting.

Thank you, I didn't know about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:46

Branleuse · 28/09/2025 18:24

Youre too close to the situation to be able to help. I think it would be best to tell the daughter that as much as you wish it had all turned out differently, that you aren't going to be a go-between, and that there have been many missed chances to improve things before it got to this stage. That the best thing she could do at this point would be to work on herself and take time to see what went wrong, and you hope that in time the relationship can be repaired, but its too soon, and that you care, but not getting involved

Thank you, that's helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 18:47

SirBasil · 28/09/2025 18:29

My friend will not engage with the daughter's attempts to fix things, and I totally understand why. The daughter has a history of being manipulative, and this may just be more of the same. But at the same time, the daughter herself is extremely vulnerable and very messed up, and I can't help not feel sorry for the fact that she has effectively cut off the only solid source of support that she had.

nah. That is the entitlement of the young. The daughter pushed too hard and now she needs to find other ways of turning her life around. And when she can behave decently, consistently, she can try to repair the relationship with her mother. She is in the Find Out phase of FAFO

Everyone has a breaking point.

Thank you, I think you're probably right.

OP posts:
MoreIcedLattePlease · 28/09/2025 18:48

I've had to go NC with a child, OP. I can assure you, and everyone else on this thread who doubts it, that such a decision is very much the absolute last resort. I desperately miss DC, my love remains unconditional. However, their behaviour put my life and that of their siblings at risk, and it was a choice behaviour due to not getting their own way. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and, to keep the rest of my family safe, I simply cannot have contact until all my younger children are adults.

If any of my friends were to speak to DC, that would be fine, I can't and won't control anybody else's relationship with them. But, no attempt to mediate would make any difference - this is the sort of choice that is forced on, not actively wanted by - decent parents. My DC is also incredibly manipulative, and my friends know this from their own experience, so I doubt anything DC could say would persuade them to think anything differently about the situation.

I suspect, from the scant detail you've shared, that your friend would say the same. By all means talk to the daughter if you want, but don't hide it from your friend and don't attempt to become a go between. The only person who will lose out is you.