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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sorry for my friend's daughter?

177 replies

Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 16:29

My friend has been through an incredibly difficult decade. I won't give details because it isn't my place to share her story, but it has been very tough. I have done my best to support in different ways throughout, both emotionally and practically. My friend herself has been amazing...strong, positive and resilient in the face of some tremendous challenges. I really admire her.

Recently, she has made a decision to cut her young adult daughter out of her life. The daughter is toxic in many ways, and her behaviour has been truly dreadful, causing my friend a huge amount of difficulty and stress. Again, I'm not going to provide details because it isn't my story to tell, but suffice to say that I totally understand my friend's decision and I respect that she has to do what she feels she needs to do to preserve her own sanity and protect her younger dc, having previously turned her life upside down in order to try and support the older daughter. I have not questioned my friend's decision or expressed any doubts about it to her.

But actually, I have been struggling with her decision, because I find myself feeling very sorry for the daughter who is now desperately trying to mend the relationship. The pity that I feel is despite the fact that I still feel incredibly angry with the daughter for the way that she has treated her mum. I just can't imagine ever cutting off my dc in a million years. Then again, my dc wouldn't ever behave in the way that my friend's daughter has behaved, so it's a very different relationship.

My friend will not engage with the daughter's attempts to fix things, and I totally understand why. The daughter has a history of being manipulative, and this may just be more of the same. But at the same time, the daughter herself is extremely vulnerable and very messed up, and I can't help not feel sorry for the fact that she has effectively cut off the only solid source of support that she had.

The daughter has now contacted me directly to ask her to intervene with her mum. I will tell her that I definitely can't do this, but I'm wondering if I should offer to at least meet with her myself as she is in a very bad place and I'm worried about her - she has a history of self harm. Should I ask my friend if she is OK with me offering to meet with her daughter, or would it be better off just telling the daughter that I can't get involved? I don't think I would want to have contact with the daughter without sharing this with my friend, as that would feel disloyal.

I have known this young woman since she was a baby, and I had a lot of contact with her when she was growing up. I am under no illusions about how toxic she can be, but I also recognise that she has been through some very tough times herself. WWYD in this situation?

YABU - tell the daughter that you can't get involved and ask her not to contact you again
YANBU - ask your friend if she would mind you offering to meet with the daughter to check on her wellbeing

OP posts:
Poirot1983 · 28/09/2025 17:20

‘she did knowingly put her sibling at risk of harm because she was angry with her mum. This is what led to my friend cutting her off.’

Yes, that’s bad. Has she expressed regret?

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:20

Franpie · 28/09/2025 17:03

I think that if I was very close to the friend and, like you, was struggling to get to grips with her decision to cut her DD off completely, then I would have that honest conversation.

The DD is asking you to mediate, you also don’t think your friend is being completely reasonable. Therefore I think you should comply with the DD’s request. But it will be a difficult and delicate conversation, for sure.

Actually, I do think my friend is being reasonable. I understand her decision. I just can't really imagine being in that position and making that decision myself. I haven't stood in her shoes, though, and who knows what I would do if I had been through all that she has been through.

OP posts:
LargeChestofDrawers · 28/09/2025 17:20

How old is the daughter?

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:21

Poirot1983 · 28/09/2025 17:20

‘she did knowingly put her sibling at risk of harm because she was angry with her mum. This is what led to my friend cutting her off.’

Yes, that’s bad. Has she expressed regret?

Not really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:21

LargeChestofDrawers · 28/09/2025 17:20

How old is the daughter?

Early twenties

OP posts:
TickBoxNotTickTock · 28/09/2025 17:21

You’re not going to give details “because it’s not your place to tell.” Yet you’re here posting on MN about it. Yep that checks out.

FlyingUnicornWings · 28/09/2025 17:25

Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:20

Actually, I do think my friend is being reasonable. I understand her decision. I just can't really imagine being in that position and making that decision myself. I haven't stood in her shoes, though, and who knows what I would do if I had been through all that she has been through.

Show quote history

Can I just say, you sound like a really lovely and considerate friend. She’s lucky to have you.

Poirot1983 · 28/09/2025 17:27

Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:21

Not really.

Show quote history

Difficult, OP. In your shoes, I would speak to friend and let her know her daughter has asked to see me. I would want to meet with her daughter to see if she is 1) remorseful and 2) make sure she is okay. I would explain this all to friend. Friend may see it as a positive thing that at least someone she knows is in touch with her daughter?

Whatever friend said, I would not stop her daughter from being able to contact me, even if I didn’t meet with her.

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:28

Butchyrestingface · 28/09/2025 17:12

Recently, she has made a decision to cut her young adult daughter out of her life.

For how long? Has the friend decided she will never speak to her daughter again?

What about at family funerals or celebrations? Will she avoid attending anything her daughter might be at, or leave if she encounters her daughter unexpectedly at an event? Does she intend to blank her daughter if she passes her in the street?

My friend has said that she can't have the daughter in her life right now. She hasn't closed the door completely to any future reconciliation.

She wouldn't blank her or ignore her if she bumped into her. She has spoken to the daughter a few times since making the decision, and she is perfectly civil towards her, while being clear that she isn't willing to see her.

OP posts:
TryingAgainAgainAgain · 28/09/2025 17:32

Has the daughter got any kind of diagnosis? Had any professional assessment, treatment or support?

Wegovy2026 · 28/09/2025 17:35

21 is different to 24.

Children don’t ask to be born. As parents we have to find a way to set boundaries but not abandon.

You don’t know the facts.

The very fact this mother can completely abandon her child speaks more of her true self than any show of parenthood you may have witnessed.

The sibling in question was unhurt is this correct?

I would lose respect for any parent who abandons their children. I’ve worked with the worst of the worst too and there is always hope. Of course boundaries need to be established and everyone protected but to totally cut off a child is heartless and not natural for a mother regardless of what that child has done.

The mother could easily see the daughter on her own on neutral ground.

Morereadingthanposting · 28/09/2025 17:39

I think as the mother in this case, even I had gone non contact for self preservation I might be grateful that someone who cared for my daughter was looking out for her if I couldn’t. Maybe reassure your friend you prioritise the friendship and won’t get sucked into a different view of her by the daughter’s possible manipulations but just want to help as an emotional (or possibly practical if relevant) safety net?

BusySpinningPlates · 28/09/2025 17:40

Driftingawaynow · 28/09/2025 17:07

I actually can’t imagine the situation in which it would be necessary to go no contact with your own child. Boundaries for sure but no contact?

Absolutely agree.

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:44

TickBoxNotTickTock · 28/09/2025 17:21

You’re not going to give details “because it’s not your place to tell.” Yet you’re here posting on MN about it. Yep that checks out.

Sorry, I'm trying to share my own dilemma without including too much info about my friend or her daughter. Maybe I haven't got the balance quite right, but that's what I was aiming to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:45

FlyingUnicornWings · 28/09/2025 17:25

Can I just say, you sound like a really lovely and considerate friend. She’s lucky to have you.

Show quote history

Thank you, that's very kind.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 28/09/2025 17:45

Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:28

My friend has said that she can't have the daughter in her life right now. She hasn't closed the door completely to any future reconciliation.

She wouldn't blank her or ignore her if she bumped into her. She has spoken to the daughter a few times since making the decision, and she is perfectly civil towards her, while being clear that she isn't willing to see her.

Show quote history

Seriously, if civility is being maintained, stay out of it. Even if you ask your friend if she’d mind you talking to her daughter, it will come off as you questioning her decisions.
Let the daughter find someone else to help her. Keep your friend close. She needs your support.

Redflagsabounded · 28/09/2025 17:45

People on here are very supportive of cutting off toxic parents. How is this different? It sounds like the mum hasn't said 'never darken my door again' but put in a firm boundary for a while to protect herself and other child.

I would suggest to friend's daughter that she lets the dust settle, think about it all, and come back to you in a year or so and you'll see if Mum is able to have some sort of communication.

Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:47

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 28/09/2025 17:32

Has the daughter got any kind of diagnosis? Had any professional assessment, treatment or support?

I don't know if she has a diagnosis now. She was previously awaiting assessment for various things, but I don't know if she has pursued this. I think it is very likely that there is something but I couldn't be sure of what.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:48

Poirot1983 · 28/09/2025 17:27

Difficult, OP. In your shoes, I would speak to friend and let her know her daughter has asked to see me. I would want to meet with her daughter to see if she is 1) remorseful and 2) make sure she is okay. I would explain this all to friend. Friend may see it as a positive thing that at least someone she knows is in touch with her daughter?

Whatever friend said, I would not stop her daughter from being able to contact me, even if I didn’t meet with her.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:50

Morereadingthanposting · 28/09/2025 17:39

I think as the mother in this case, even I had gone non contact for self preservation I might be grateful that someone who cared for my daughter was looking out for her if I couldn’t. Maybe reassure your friend you prioritise the friendship and won’t get sucked into a different view of her by the daughter’s possible manipulations but just want to help as an emotional (or possibly practical if relevant) safety net?

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:52

Wegovy2026 · 28/09/2025 17:35

21 is different to 24.

Children don’t ask to be born. As parents we have to find a way to set boundaries but not abandon.

You don’t know the facts.

The very fact this mother can completely abandon her child speaks more of her true self than any show of parenthood you may have witnessed.

The sibling in question was unhurt is this correct?

I would lose respect for any parent who abandons their children. I’ve worked with the worst of the worst too and there is always hope. Of course boundaries need to be established and everyone protected but to totally cut off a child is heartless and not natural for a mother regardless of what that child has done.

The mother could easily see the daughter on her own on neutral ground.

Edited

Thank you for your opinion. I can't imagine a situation in which I could ever cut off my dc, but I cannot judge my friend after all that she has been through. I understand her decision and I respect the fact that she feels that she has to make this decision at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:53

Swiftie1878 · 28/09/2025 17:45

Seriously, if civility is being maintained, stay out of it. Even if you ask your friend if she’d mind you talking to her daughter, it will come off as you questioning her decisions.
Let the daughter find someone else to help her. Keep your friend close. She needs your support.

Show quote history

Thanks for your thoughts. I do want to support my friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsorryforher · 28/09/2025 17:54

Redflagsabounded · 28/09/2025 17:45

People on here are very supportive of cutting off toxic parents. How is this different? It sounds like the mum hasn't said 'never darken my door again' but put in a firm boundary for a while to protect herself and other child.

I would suggest to friend's daughter that she lets the dust settle, think about it all, and come back to you in a year or so and you'll see if Mum is able to have some sort of communication.

Thank you, that is a good suggestion.

OP posts:
DIYagainstMould · 28/09/2025 17:59

I don't think things will go well for you if you engage with the daughter. She's needy and needs to latch onto someone for support. Do you know what's going to be expected from you? No

HappyByTheRiver · 28/09/2025 17:59

I would just be honest with my friend. Tell her that her daughter has contacted you, what she has said, and ask her what she wants you to do. Then do that.