DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

I'm surprised someone only calling their parents once a month. And only visiting twice a year when you're in the same country? I understand everyone is busy, but twice a year?

My DMum lives in the states and I call her daily. My DC live at home now (already grateful to be in London) but we'd call 2/3 a week when they were at uni. Eldest called daily during his masters.

Anyway OP explained that DS wanted to tell parents in person as a suprise.

Whilst it's really very strange he hasn't told you I also find your lack of contact unusual and would say you aren't very close at all. I find it weird you don't even send one to one messages and that you only speak once a month. My dh who is very laid back and relaxed about things still rings his parents at least once a week and they message more. I speak with my dm once or twice a week. We have a family WhatsApp but also message individually. We don't live near each other and we don't message every day but it would be multiple times a week. I find it weird that he's 26 and you won't now see him till next year. My ds is 16 and I can't imagine not seeing him for that long. Even if he moved to Australia I reckon I'd want to go and visit him. Don't you miss him?

We do send one to one messages just not as frequently as we use the group chat.

Whilst DS was at uni we spoke to him considerably more than we do now, he was more likely to call while walking home. We also visited him more often as it made sense to at the time.
Things really changed after he went travelling for a year, we realised half our conversations were filler and not actually making us any closer and that we all enjoyed longer but less frequent chats. When we do all call it lasts for hours so probably adds up to more than a couple of 5 minute calls each week!

Well then it is even more mysterious that he hasn't told you. Do you get on with the partner?

Lovely news OP, congratulations all round. Enjoy your time together and Happy 30th Anniversary 🎉.

I’ve already updated, he called, he was planning to surprise us with a visit next week for our wedding anniversary and tell us then.

I get on either his partner very well, she’s lovely and when we visit or they visit us she always offers to go for lunch with just me or similar.

Wow people are very quick to judge whether parents and kids are "close" according to their own arbitrary standards! Some families just don't really talk on the phone much. My dad literally never phones me and I only phone if I have something I specifically need to ask him. My mum and I speak on the phone occasionally. I visit two or three times a year with my kids and have a lovely time. There's a family WhatsApp which is sometimes active with a few texts in a week, sometimes not, we share big news and a few holiday snaps. We all love each other and that's normal for us!

Ah, that's great news!

@Mumsier i don’t think your family are weird or not close, I only used to travel home to Scotland from London twice, maybe three times a year. Such a long journey, you had to stay for a decent length of time to make it worth it. Also don’t phone each other a lot, we’d run out of interesting things to talk about! Like you we send pics and links and any amusing little things we’ve seen or heard and we enjoy that!

I would be gutted. However I talk to my sons at least every other day and see the ones who live out of state 4-5 times a year. The thought of going a month without speaking to my son is unbearable. I do
know that our situation Is somewhat unusual.

So glad it ended positively. I hope my son becomes as thoughtful as yours when he's older - how absolutely wonderful that they thought to surprise you and visit on your anniversary. That says a lot. Have a lovely time.

@mumsier I'd be hurt too. I'm sure there is a reason for it, probably they wanted to tell you in person or something particular.

And just as an FYI - my mum lives miles away so we only see her maybe 3-4 times a year, she calls me more often than I call her but I wouldn't say we aren't close. Just that we have our own lives and checking in happens via whatsapp more often than calls.

Yes, that's what a relative here did. The bride's parents knew about it because they live in the same village as the couple, but they waited until they saw the groom's parents in person and had the ring - they live down in England.

Yes my first thought was that perhaps they want to tell you the news in person. Of course you mean a lot to him which shows as he's upset that the news has reached you before they had a chance to tell you in their own way.

So much judgement around how often you should be calling and visiting each other. When I was in my twenties my mum and I spoke about once or twice a month. This gradually increased in my thirties when I settled down a bit more. The fact you message most days demonstrates closeness from my perspective!

In any case, that’s not what you asked about, and my first thought was he was going to surprise you. Which I see from your update he was! So sad to see the news got out but sweet of him 💛

So many know it alls about what is a close relationship or not…when they have no idea. Frequency doesn’t indicate anything at all, those conversations could be shallow and merely dutiful. Closeness is the CONTENT of the conversations…and known only to the participants.

Once a month seems bit much at all. Although, all families have their own dynamic. I tend to feel once a week is a minimum to still be considered close if you asked me to define

Me too. I didn’t tell anyone for several years afterwards, and I’m very fond of my parents.

How come you only see him twice a year? That’s so sad

Sorry didn’t read it all. This is so lovely

I never ring my mum and dad really any more. Message in group chat every day or so and we do see them probably 4 - 5x a year for a decent chunk each time. I adore them, they are the best parents ever.

Enjoy seeing your son next weekend OP 😍 your family sounds great you must be very proud.

Reading so many replies from people who just "know" all about OP's relationship with her son is baffling. Trying to ram the idea that they are not as close as she thinks whilst she worries about not knowing why she's been kept in the dark - talk about kicking a woman whilst she's down!

I knew they must have been waiting to tell you in person OP. My DB and I are close to our DMum. I chose to facetime her when I got engaged, mainly because it was COVID times, we were abroad, and I didn't know when I would see her in person. Turns out my DH had told her his plans beforehand so she had been waiting patiently for my call! My DB likes to deliver "big news" in person, that's just his style.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend celebrating all the good news!

To me it hints at the fact he's not totally sure about it.
Or it will be one of those engagements that goes on for 15 years and they never actually get married.

Let's wait for the mn post from his fiancée:

^AIBU my DP proposed but hasn't told his family we're engaged....
^
🚩

How incredibly childish of your cousin.