Stepson ready to be discharged from hospital but nowhere to go

[Burnterni]

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3. their mum passed away a few months after SS was born. My sons dad was never in his life so my now late husband was a father figure to him as well.

I was always close to my stepchildren growing up and I am still close to SD. SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide. When he was about 15 my late husband walked in on him in bed with another boy, DH didn't handle it the best. I think he was shocked and he ended up calling him disgusting etc, he did end up apologising but I think that ruined their relationship. He also has never gotten along with my DS, he always said he was everyones favourite and he was really cruel to him a lot of the time, my DS really tried to make an effort but he didn't care. In reality, it probably looked like stepson was the favourite because as I said we let him get away with a lot and perhaps we shouldn't have but DH would make excuses for him because his mum died when he was just a few months.

Anyway, the my DS being the favourite allegations wasn't helped by the fact when DH died (5 years ago) he left his business to my son, my son was already working there and had been since he was a teen and knew the trade. Stepson had no interest and frankly, I don't think my DH trusted him (his death was also unexpected so it could've changed if he didn't passed away then). SS didn't go to the funeral which was his choice and while I've been trying with him we don't have a relationship at all really.

He thinks he's above everyone in his attitude, he pushes everyone away because he gets angry with them and says horrible things to them (he has done this even with SD over text) no matter what someone has done for him, he often paints them as the villain and as he's the saint. He wouldn't leave my son and his gf alone, he lied to DS that his gf cheated on him and then at the same time lied to his gf about DS cheating on her for no reason whatsoever. My DS and his gf now don't want anything to do with him.

He barely has a relationship with SD, he was staying with her for a bit when he left here but in the end she told him to leave, I don't know the full story but he caused problems for her and her partner and wasn't appreciative of anything.

He doesn't work, he worked one shift at a supermarket and quit because he thinks he's above it. He stays in a hotel atm because he has no friends to stay with anymore. He has no friends. Most other family have fallen out with him and have blocked him. He's quite manipulative

Now the issue: he was rushed to hospital earlier this week and needed emergency surgery as his appendix had ruptured. A random person phoned the ambulance but if it had been left any longer he would've died, anyway he's in hospital and recovering and he's likely to be discharged tomorrow but due to the surgery and it not being a simple surgery for appendicitis they can't discharge him to stay on his own, it will be a complicated recovery so he will need help with things. The issue is he doesn't want to come and stay with me, his reasons are that DS will visit and act smug toward him, which he won't do. Just because they don't have a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's been asking me how he is. I've told him this but he still doesn't want to stay at mine, he's adamant he'll be fine on his own “because that’s how it's always been” (his words). But due to the hospitals duty of care they won't discharge him

What do I do?!

You’ve clearly led a sheltered life @ThatBlackCat

on what OP has posted the odds are overwhelmingly more likely that this is the son’s position and ergo he had no inheritance comparable to the OP’s son or indeed of any real value

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/emergency_housing_from_the_council/types_of_emergency_housing

@ThatBlackCat He could be living in a B&B funded by benefits for all you know. That would also be living in a hotel.

He was 17 when his father died and probably still rebelling against the father who he didn't feel like him much, he probably wasn't anticipating that his lack of interest thus far in the business (unlike his considerably older and wiser step-brother) meant he wouldn't inherit any of it. He probably wasn't anticipating losing his Father at such a young age.

Do you think he has a wonderful upbringing from what you've read?

As to accountability, of course it will kick in. As I said, I obviously hope he can turn his life around, but plenty don't.

He was sofa surfing, which is being homeless (it's defined as homeless by shelter). It's relatively unlikely that someone who sofa surfed for multiple months is now living in the Savoy - more likely he's in temporary homeless accomodation in a dodgy "hotel" used exclusively for temporary housing.

Nope, not sheltered at all. In my childhood we moved a couple of times because we lost our houses because of my father's drinking. For a time we had to get free food hampers from the food bank. It is you I believe that has clearly led a sheltered life. You are clutching at straws minimising the SS's hotel accommodation.

Or, he didn't want to put his hand in his pocket for accommodation until he really had to.

@ThatBlackCat "His sister would have been more affected by the death of their mother than he, who has basically no memories, yet she hasn't abused people and misbehaved."

Tell me you don't understand the crucial status of the first 1000 days of nurture and attachment without telling me ...

So let's say a child is severely neglected and abused and is removed from their birth parent at 11 months old. You would expect that experience to have zero impact on that child because they have no memories of it? And that if subsequently placed with a foster carer and adopted, that there will be no long term consequences of that very early experience on the child? Ask any adopter if experiences in the first year of life, that are not consciously remembered, can and very likely will have a long term impact on a child and young person.

A baby losing their mother is a hugely significant ACE (adverse childhood experience). And it's not the only one he has experienced.

Attaching screenshots showing this is researched and accepted and not me making stuff up.

The truth is @ThatBlackCat neither of us can know for sure so arguing about this isn’t all that helpful. However there is one person who does know and that’s @Burnterni

So if your supposition is correct, then she may find some assistance from your very hardline views. But if mine is correct, that along with the views expressed by some of the more sympathetic posters to the son, might also give @Burnterni an alternative viewpoint which helps her work out what relationship to have with her stepson going forward.

There’s nothing you can do but personally I wouldn’t take him in even if he wanted to. How would you get him to move on again? It’s sad but until he sorts himself out you don’t need to be involved in his chaos.

And tell me you don't understand the affect of losing your dad at age 10, having 10 years of him reading to you, going to school things, playing with you in the park, having Fathers day, Christmases together, without telling me....

She had 10 years of him in her life? Do you honestly think it had no affect on her?

I haven't said she wasn't affected, have I? Obviously it will have been very very sad for her. It has no doubt affected her and will affect her for life.

However in terms of long term life chances, losing a parent before age 3 does have a higher risk. You may grieve more at an older age, but you already have firm attachments, have had those years of unconditional regard and an understanding of why and how your parent has died and "left" you. You have memories of their love and nurture. You weren't a baby whose main carer disappeared without you understanding how or why, and who then had main care from a male who was also no doubt grieving and in deep depression. There is substantial evidence of the impact of severely depressed parents on very small children too. There is a difference between grief and long term impact.

Ugh! Their mum! I knew it was their mum, I have no idea why I made it about the dad. All the above experiences (only with mum replacing dad) apply though.

It may be in his interest to be able to confirm that he doesn’t have a family place to go if he is hoping for council support. That may explain the approach he has taken in telling staff he’s not welcome at your home as he is trying to get their support as part of this discharge process

The fact that you think my knowledge about adverse childhood experiences, the importance of the first 1000 days of life in setting up a child's future, and my consequent encouragement to OP to view her stepson's behaviour through a trauma lens means that you think I would say child sex abuse is acceptable (which is nothing to do with this situation) reflects very badly on you.

I won't be engaging with you further.

This is tragic all round. I wouldn't be able to leave him to it. He has nobody. He is clearly defending against two major losses - but then he would wouldn't he. He lost one 1yo - his mother, and another at 17 I think - his father. That's a massive amount of loss for a young person. I suspect if you don't attempt to support him in some way, this will go badly. To add insult to injury he was disinherited. I mean .. crikey.

I hope services recognise his need for support more than some of the cold replies on here. You don't have to necessarily take him in in terms of accommodation but if it were me, I would not abandon him. There are ways to offer support. Acknowledging his losses for a start. Accepting that these losses may have gravely affected his ability to advocate for himself.

And now he's in hospital after surgery. I mean what on earth is happening to people that they would just leave him? OP you are surely a mother figure? By all means boundary up, but abandon him? It doesn't have to be so either/or.

yes I agree with this. I feel very sorry for him and nothing that happened to him is his fault. But as an adult he desperately needs therapy and to start taking responsibility about how the rest of his life is going to look. Crap parents and a crap upbringing plus losing parents at a young age do traumatise us, but at the same time we have to take responsibility for our actions and choices moving forward.

I hope the OP will tell him in no uncertain terms, with hospital staff as witnesses, that he is welcome and that he is always welcome, and that furthermore she views him as her own son and loves him unconditionally. Then he is free to choose to ignore this and go home alone. But at least he will have heard it.

This is very well said. My DM (now 86) lost both her parents at the age of 10 and, whilst it was a horrible thing to go through, she can share lots of happy memories of her life with them before they died.

Whereas my 2 adopted DDs (now 16 and 13), who were both taken into care at birth and therefore obviously have no memories of their birth parents, are still struggling to process how they feel about it all. Because they never had the chance to know their birth parents, there’s so much they have missed out on.

Obviously, you can’t compare the two experiences, but both are very traumatic in their own way.

The best and most compassionate post on the entire thread. Bravo @anothermondayyy

@Millionsofmonkeys the Michael Jackson post was outrageous and rightly removed but that poster has such strong opinions I suspect there is some personal back story which has created these. That doesn’t invalidate your very measured and helpful advice on the thread.

I read enough of the OP's posts to know that SS has been sofa surfing (so homeless) or living in a hotel (because he has no permanent home to go to) and has been disinherited by his father, and that he was an orphan by 17, having had 16 years of living as part of a blended family in which the fact he is gay appears to have been a big issue for his dad.

This is a forum on which people exchange and offer their views. My view is that he should absolutely be compensated because as far as I am aware he has not received inheritance which equates to the share in the business and/or his family home. And that's leaving aside what his mother may have contributed to the pot, all of which is now going to OP, a woman who she had no connection to, and OP's son instead of her own. After the start in life he had, I'm not surprised he is acting out. There is injustice here. His sister may have made her peace with the situation, but that doesn't mean he can.

I don't think he caused his mother's death or his father's death, or his father's reaction to his sexuality. I also don't think that at the age of 17 he was able to contribute meaningfully to the family business, so I don't think he caused his disinheritance.

How his sister is processing things is a matter for her. They are individuals.

This and lots of businesses are worth nothing but the customer base which would go with the older child who was working in the business. Both my DH and I have run very successful businesses but there's no cash value to inherit from them just customers and reputation. Neither of which a 17 year old has any use for.

But a business is often not an asset its a collection of debts, customers, reputation with little to no monetary value. Obviously I'd hope he inherited assets.

Businesses are sold as going concerns all the time, so it's clearly possible to value them. Plus, the business could own assets- it could own a property portfolio and generate huge revenues of rental income for all we know.

He should also receive a share of the marital home, given his mother is likely to have channelled resources into that asset, which is now occupied by a OP, a woman who his mother had no connection to. OP hasn't been clear about her intentions, but I'm assuming her son will be inheriting. It's less clear if SS or SD will.

This thread is a really grim read, with such a ruthless attitude from some to an orphan and now a homeless young adult whom is barely out of childhood with no one to turn to. Honestly it is heartbreaking, and I can only hope the hospital will understand his plight and care for him really well. I am glad he has a bed, and no one needs it more than him right now.