Stepson ready to be discharged from hospital but nowhere to go

[Burnterni]

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3. their mum passed away a few months after SS was born. My sons dad was never in his life so my now late husband was a father figure to him as well.

I was always close to my stepchildren growing up and I am still close to SD. SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide. When he was about 15 my late husband walked in on him in bed with another boy, DH didn't handle it the best. I think he was shocked and he ended up calling him disgusting etc, he did end up apologising but I think that ruined their relationship. He also has never gotten along with my DS, he always said he was everyones favourite and he was really cruel to him a lot of the time, my DS really tried to make an effort but he didn't care. In reality, it probably looked like stepson was the favourite because as I said we let him get away with a lot and perhaps we shouldn't have but DH would make excuses for him because his mum died when he was just a few months.

Anyway, the my DS being the favourite allegations wasn't helped by the fact when DH died (5 years ago) he left his business to my son, my son was already working there and had been since he was a teen and knew the trade. Stepson had no interest and frankly, I don't think my DH trusted him (his death was also unexpected so it could've changed if he didn't passed away then). SS didn't go to the funeral which was his choice and while I've been trying with him we don't have a relationship at all really.

He thinks he's above everyone in his attitude, he pushes everyone away because he gets angry with them and says horrible things to them (he has done this even with SD over text) no matter what someone has done for him, he often paints them as the villain and as he's the saint. He wouldn't leave my son and his gf alone, he lied to DS that his gf cheated on him and then at the same time lied to his gf about DS cheating on her for no reason whatsoever. My DS and his gf now don't want anything to do with him.

He barely has a relationship with SD, he was staying with her for a bit when he left here but in the end she told him to leave, I don't know the full story but he caused problems for her and her partner and wasn't appreciative of anything.

He doesn't work, he worked one shift at a supermarket and quit because he thinks he's above it. He stays in a hotel atm because he has no friends to stay with anymore. He has no friends. Most other family have fallen out with him and have blocked him. He's quite manipulative

Now the issue: he was rushed to hospital earlier this week and needed emergency surgery as his appendix had ruptured. A random person phoned the ambulance but if it had been left any longer he would've died, anyway he's in hospital and recovering and he's likely to be discharged tomorrow but due to the surgery and it not being a simple surgery for appendicitis they can't discharge him to stay on his own, it will be a complicated recovery so he will need help with things. The issue is he doesn't want to come and stay with me, his reasons are that DS will visit and act smug toward him, which he won't do. Just because they don't have a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's been asking me how he is. I've told him this but he still doesn't want to stay at mine, he's adamant he'll be fine on his own “because that’s how it's always been” (his words). But due to the hospitals duty of care they won't discharge him

What do I do?!

So this man has basically never known his Mum, was shamed for being gay by his Dad, then his Dad died and left inheritance to his other son only.

Well... yes... it's not surprising that he isn't in a good space mentally.

There is nothing you can do really. Just maintain contact but keep it light touch is my advice.

He's obviously suffering. Offering for him to stay with you is a lovely gesture. If only he'd open up and let you in. He needs to speak with a counsellor. You can't make him stay, but let him know you'll help as much as is possible for you to do so.

If he can't safely be discharged to the hotel he's staying in, the hospital ought to look for a rehab / community hospital type bed for him for a few days. He might hate that more than staying with you in the end but maybe he needs to try it.

To be honest , he clearly had it rough , he lost his mum , your husband clearly never accepted him being gay and he seems to have a miríade of issues . He is only 22 , yes he is probably a massive assh@le too but I feel there is more to this story .
You have been his mother figure since he was one and you still calll him step son which is baffling to me , and you speak about him like he is a outsider .
By no means you do not need to do anything but it does make me wonder if the reason why he feels so left out is actually partly true .

Let him, there is nothing you can do.
His life has brought him down a dark path, only he has the power to change it, wallowing in self pity won't help.
He'll find himself.
I understand he had it hard losing his mother so young, he has had great opportunities too.
His actions have consequences, he needs to take responsibility and be proud of himself now.

Just leave him to it. He’s made his bed…

“SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide.”

You think!!!

Anyway, what’s done is done. You can’t do anything about it, he’s an adult. It’s such a shame that he will probably end up blocking a bed for somebody who needs it.

I hate to diagnose online but it isn't uncommon for undiagnosed non NT teenagers to fall apart once the hormones rage, depression, anxiety kicks it, alongside risky behaviour and self medicating with weed or alcohol.

He is an orphan, and lost his mother very early in life, of course this has impacted him. He probably feels rejected by his father leaving the business to someone else.

I would continue to offer love and support. Whilst respecting his decision to stay elsewhere if he wants to. I would keep my son away if he does decide to stay. That’s the least you can do I think.

This

I wonder if adult social care getting involved might be no bad thing

I haven't read all the replies to your posts, op, but the NHS offer a reablement care service for patients discharged from hospital. Don't know if they'd exclude hotels but worth looking into- he will need to arrange before discharge because they're heavily subscribed and may not have capacity immediately.

I agree with @Yesitssad. Both you and his sister have tried to help him and all you can do now is keep in contact. Outside help might be the best option for him right now.

How does he afford to live in a hotel?

If he has no-where to go and needs monitoring he will be kept in hospital. I had similar after my appendix rupture, they had to do an open surgery as my appendix was gangrenous and stuck to the abdomen wall. I had to stay in for 4-5 days for IV antibiotics so assume if he has issues, they’d keep him in. If he’s ok to be discharged, then surely be fine to be alone, or they’d keep him. I wouldn’t take him in after the problems caused but keep a check on him, drop him things off etc.

He is an adult he needs to pay the consequences of his decisions, leave him to it.

Id tell him you want him home, you love him and want to help but as hes an adult you will respect his choices... and if he changes his mind please come home.

Presumably the hospital will not discharge him if he has nowhere to go. In his position, it sounds like it will be for the best if he stays a few more days in hospital.

Add to the trauma his Dad died when he was 17, by which time his older step brother was working with his Dad, and his Dad left the business to his step brother.

The trauma and being damaged / disturbed is not surprising.

OP: just for the period of his recovery could you not ask your Ds not to visit you?

Somebody you don't want in your home does not want to be in your home and you are framing it as a problem?

I feel so sad for him. He’s had so much trauma in his young life. He lost both of his parents before adulthood and obviously felt rejected by his own father because of his sexuality and then the business. I hope he nagar to get some help to process everything and finds a happier life.

In terms of the immediate problem, I would let him know the door is always open. I would also possibly consider telling your son that you will visit him rather than him to you for the time your SS is with you.

There are some very cruel and selfish posters on here who have clearly never encountered a person with emotional problems and are ready to walk away from this young man, apparently imagining that he is like most 22-year olds. He is not like them, he's had a lot of truama in his young life (at 22 he is barely out of his teens). Like the few, though, I would want to give him as much support as I can - but sensibly be prepared for it to be rejected more than once. Everyone is worth a bit of love. Be strong OP and do what you can for him.

Bloody hell, that's a fuckton of adverse childhood experiences. I'm not surprised he's messed up.

Nothing. You do nothing. Time to move on from the burden of trying to help someone who absolutely cannot be helped and doesn't want to be.