Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson ready to be discharged from hospital but nowhere to go

177 replies

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 21:46

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3. their mum passed away a few months after SS was born. My sons dad was never in his life so my now late husband was a father figure to him as well.

I was always close to my stepchildren growing up and I am still close to SD. SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide. When he was about 15 my late husband walked in on him in bed with another boy, DH didn't handle it the best. I think he was shocked and he ended up calling him disgusting etc, he did end up apologising but I think that ruined their relationship. He also has never gotten along with my DS, he always said he was everyones favourite and he was really cruel to him a lot of the time, my DS really tried to make an effort but he didn't care. In reality, it probably looked like stepson was the favourite because as I said we let him get away with a lot and perhaps we shouldn't have but DH would make excuses for him because his mum died when he was just a few months.

Anyway, the my DS being the favourite allegations wasn't helped by the fact when DH died (5 years ago) he left his business to my son, my son was already working there and had been since he was a teen and knew the trade. Stepson had no interest and frankly, I don't think my DH trusted him (his death was also unexpected so it could've changed if he didn't passed away then). SS didn't go to the funeral which was his choice and while I've been trying with him we don't have a relationship at all really.

He thinks he's above everyone in his attitude, he pushes everyone away because he gets angry with them and says horrible things to them (he has done this even with SD over text) no matter what someone has done for him, he often paints them as the villain and as he's the saint. He wouldn't leave my son and his gf alone, he lied to DS that his gf cheated on him and then at the same time lied to his gf about DS cheating on her for no reason whatsoever. My DS and his gf now don't want anything to do with him.

He barely has a relationship with SD, he was staying with her for a bit when he left here but in the end she told him to leave, I don't know the full story but he caused problems for her and her partner and wasn't appreciative of anything.

He doesn't work, he worked one shift at a supermarket and quit because he thinks he's above it. He stays in a hotel atm because he has no friends to stay with anymore. He has no friends. Most other family have fallen out with him and have blocked him. He's quite manipulative

Now the issue: he was rushed to hospital earlier this week and needed emergency surgery as his appendix had ruptured. A random person phoned the ambulance but if it had been left any longer he would've died, anyway he's in hospital and recovering and he's likely to be discharged tomorrow but due to the surgery and it not being a simple surgery for appendicitis they can't discharge him to stay on his own, it will be a complicated recovery so he will need help with things. The issue is he doesn't want to come and stay with me, his reasons are that DS will visit and act smug toward him, which he won't do. Just because they don't have a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's been asking me how he is. I've told him this but he still doesn't want to stay at mine, he's adamant he'll be fine on his own “because that’s how it's always been” (his words). But due to the hospitals duty of care they won't discharge him

What do I do?!

OP posts:
TalulaHalulah · 27/09/2025 22:35

I think you cannot do anything beyond what you have done.
I mean, it sounds like his dad handled things badly and your stepson is externalising his hurt in his behaviours. But this doesn’t make it easier for you. All you can do is respect his wishes.

FuzzyWolf · 27/09/2025 22:36

MyPinkTraybake · 27/09/2025 22:22

Does he have some kind of trauma? His reaction seems a bit disproportionate/extreme to be honest.

Perhaps both of his parents dying before he turned 18 would do it!

FuzzyWolf · 27/09/2025 22:37

He’s an adult making an informed choice about his care. He’s allowed to do that and his wishes will be respected by the hospital. You can’t make him stay.

Poirot1983 · 27/09/2025 22:37

‘He's already told the nurses that I forced him to leave originally and I told him I don't want him back.’

If that is true, then of course he doesn’t want to stay with you. He feels very rejected.

This man had a difficult childhood by the sounds of things. Being called disgusting by his father must have been terrible for him. His own father leaving his business to his step son must have felt like a massive rejection. His anger and resentment is understandable under the circumstances.

I truly hope that if you really do wish to help him that he will let you. Could your son visit him in hospital as it sounds like he genuinely cares?

welshweasel · 27/09/2025 22:40

I would ring the ward and let them know you are happy to have him to stay but you understand he doesn’t want to. He is then likely to be given that option, or told to go back to his hotel. He’s an adult, this is not up to you or the hospital to sort out.

Diarygirlqueen · 27/09/2025 22:47

This young man is only 22, he has lost both parents, his father called him disgusting due to his sexual preference, it appears he grew up with no boundaries- not his fault, he grew up saying his step brother was favoured and this was reinforced by his own father leaving his business to his stepson!

I really feel for this young man, he has faced incredible rejection in his life.
His father was wrong, especially in leaving his business to your son, he was only 17 when his dad died, he could have matured and learnt the business.
This man has been let down very badly by the adults in his life. I hope he can sort himself out.

Howwilliknow122 · 27/09/2025 22:48

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 22:14

I suspect the hospital will want him to leave quickly as he'll be taking up a bed which isn't really needed and is already being quite difficult.

I worry if I step back he'll paint it as I refused to let him stay and was happy for him to have no where to go whilst he recovered.

He's already told the nurses that I forced him to leave originally and I told him I don't want him back

I worry if I step back he'll paint it as I refused to let him stay and was happy for him to have no where to go whilst he recovered.
Op if you're going to worry id be worried the poor kid wont have care whilst he recovered instead of worrying how you look in the situation. Recovery from surgery is hard. Even the hardest of ppl will need suppprt and care.

Original poster
Burnterni · 27/09/2025 23:00

He was living with me until January this year, he'd always cause arguments with DS whenever he came over and then the final straw was when he lied to DS & his gf. I sided with DS and I was angry with him and told him I didn't want him living with me if he had that attitude. To this day he hasn't apologised for either of them and his excuse at the time was it was funny

He sofa surfed for a while and then from May-August he stayed with SD and then she asked him to leave because he was causing problems and wasn't grateful in any way, I did tell him at the time I didn't want him back here and he's been in a hotel for the past 3/4 weeks. But I haven't said he can't stay now

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 27/09/2025 23:03

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 22:14

I suspect the hospital will want him to leave quickly as he'll be taking up a bed which isn't really needed and is already being quite difficult.

I worry if I step back he'll paint it as I refused to let him stay and was happy for him to have no where to go whilst he recovered.

He's already told the nurses that I forced him to leave originally and I told him I don't want him back

Don’t worry about this. I’m a nurse, we can spot manipulative people a mile off. The nurses won’t think anything at all and he will be discharged to a safe place in a timely manner unless he chooses to self discharge.

Some people need to be left to make their own choices. It does not sound like anything good would come of him staying with you, the relationship, sadly, sounds totally fractured.

You can always ring and ask them to give him your number and to let you know if there is anything he needs. Then hold your head high and move on.

Daygloboo · 27/09/2025 23:06

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 21:46

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3. their mum passed away a few months after SS was born. My sons dad was never in his life so my now late husband was a father figure to him as well.

I was always close to my stepchildren growing up and I am still close to SD. SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide. When he was about 15 my late husband walked in on him in bed with another boy, DH didn't handle it the best. I think he was shocked and he ended up calling him disgusting etc, he did end up apologising but I think that ruined their relationship. He also has never gotten along with my DS, he always said he was everyones favourite and he was really cruel to him a lot of the time, my DS really tried to make an effort but he didn't care. In reality, it probably looked like stepson was the favourite because as I said we let him get away with a lot and perhaps we shouldn't have but DH would make excuses for him because his mum died when he was just a few months.

Anyway, the my DS being the favourite allegations wasn't helped by the fact when DH died (5 years ago) he left his business to my son, my son was already working there and had been since he was a teen and knew the trade. Stepson had no interest and frankly, I don't think my DH trusted him (his death was also unexpected so it could've changed if he didn't passed away then). SS didn't go to the funeral which was his choice and while I've been trying with him we don't have a relationship at all really.

He thinks he's above everyone in his attitude, he pushes everyone away because he gets angry with them and says horrible things to them (he has done this even with SD over text) no matter what someone has done for him, he often paints them as the villain and as he's the saint. He wouldn't leave my son and his gf alone, he lied to DS that his gf cheated on him and then at the same time lied to his gf about DS cheating on her for no reason whatsoever. My DS and his gf now don't want anything to do with him.

He barely has a relationship with SD, he was staying with her for a bit when he left here but in the end she told him to leave, I don't know the full story but he caused problems for her and her partner and wasn't appreciative of anything.

He doesn't work, he worked one shift at a supermarket and quit because he thinks he's above it. He stays in a hotel atm because he has no friends to stay with anymore. He has no friends. Most other family have fallen out with him and have blocked him. He's quite manipulative

Now the issue: he was rushed to hospital earlier this week and needed emergency surgery as his appendix had ruptured. A random person phoned the ambulance but if it had been left any longer he would've died, anyway he's in hospital and recovering and he's likely to be discharged tomorrow but due to the surgery and it not being a simple surgery for appendicitis they can't discharge him to stay on his own, it will be a complicated recovery so he will need help with things. The issue is he doesn't want to come and stay with me, his reasons are that DS will visit and act smug toward him, which he won't do. Just because they don't have a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's been asking me how he is. I've told him this but he still doesn't want to stay at mine, he's adamant he'll be fine on his own “because that’s how it's always been” (his words). But due to the hospitals duty of care they won't discharge him

What do I do?!

Sounds like he could do with therapy actually. He's self sabotaging.

crazeekat · 27/09/2025 23:20

He is 22 and has mental health issues that you will never solve. The hospital have duty of care to look after him and refer him to the appropriate services as assessed as needing. This will include housing needs.
it is not your responsibility. You have offered help, he has rejected. You are not there to pander to him. He has made bad choices in life that he has to take some responsibility of. He is a young adult he needs to step up and become the big man he thinks he
is. Until he accepts responsibility he will always look to shift blame for his actions and his
feelings. You have offered help now step back and let him get on with things.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 27/09/2025 23:24

EchoedSilence · 27/09/2025 22:33

He's a young lad who clearly has issues with losing both his parents. Plus his own father clearly favoured the OPs son. I'm not surprised he's a bit messed up.

I couldn't just turn my back on him.

This

JMSA · 27/09/2025 23:29

MyPinkTraybake · 27/09/2025 22:22

Does he have some kind of trauma? His reaction seems a bit disproportionate/extreme to be honest.

His father moved another woman and her child in when he was 1 year old. His mother died. His father called him disgusting after finding him in bed with another lad. His father is now dead.
Take your pick.

OP, I am glad you offered to take him in. Major kudos to you for that. I’m not sure there’s much more you can do, other than than to let him know that you’re there if he needs you.

Francestein · 27/09/2025 23:33

Maybe the hospital can refer him to adult social services.

Daygloboo · 27/09/2025 23:34

crazeekat · 27/09/2025 23:20

He is 22 and has mental health issues that you will never solve. The hospital have duty of care to look after him and refer him to the appropriate services as assessed as needing. This will include housing needs.
it is not your responsibility. You have offered help, he has rejected. You are not there to pander to him. He has made bad choices in life that he has to take some responsibility of. He is a young adult he needs to step up and become the big man he thinks he
is. Until he accepts responsibility he will always look to shift blame for his actions and his
feelings. You have offered help now step back and let him get on with things.

Im so glad you are not a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Yesitssad · 27/09/2025 23:35

Let hospital liaise with adult services and sort out accommodation and care package as required. Ask them to let you know where he is so you can visit - bring some flowers as well as practical stuff like microwaveable homemade meals. Keep the visit short but regular. Keep the door open but start setting your boundaries. When it’s right introduce the idea of counselling to understand why he is pushing everyone away and deal with his rejection. Keep contact though -birthdays, Christmas and brief updates. You are his only surviving de facto parent figure. So baby steps and support where you can without sacrificing yourself.

Daygloboo · 27/09/2025 23:35

Yesitssad · 27/09/2025 23:35

Let hospital liaise with adult services and sort out accommodation and care package as required. Ask them to let you know where he is so you can visit - bring some flowers as well as practical stuff like microwaveable homemade meals. Keep the visit short but regular. Keep the door open but start setting your boundaries. When it’s right introduce the idea of counselling to understand why he is pushing everyone away and deal with his rejection. Keep contact though -birthdays, Christmas and brief updates. You are his only surviving de facto parent figure. So baby steps and support where you can without sacrificing yourself.

Very sound advice!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2025 23:39

I don’t think you can do anything. He doesn’t want to come and stay with you. If he had nowhere else to go, he’ll have to stay in hospital until they’re happy to discharge him.

MinnieMou5e · 27/09/2025 23:41

You need to back off from trying to ‘save’ DSS as it won’t work well yet- maybe in time but he is clearly not ready now.

Those closest to you will know the truth about your offer to have him stay with you, anyone else doesn’t matter.

Original poster
Burnterni · 28/09/2025 10:07

Thank you for your replies everyone

OP posts:
Blushingm · 28/09/2025 10:19

Hospital will have a social worker

but if he has capacity - which it sounds like he does - they can’t stop him going home on his own

MyPinkTraybake · 28/09/2025 17:31

JMSA · 27/09/2025 23:29

His father moved another woman and her child in when he was 1 year old. His mother died. His father called him disgusting after finding him in bed with another lad. His father is now dead.
Take your pick.

OP, I am glad you offered to take him in. Major kudos to you for that. I’m not sure there’s much more you can do, other than than to let him know that you’re there if he needs you.

Edited
Show quote history

Has he been treated for trauma? Diagnosed with PTSD? Not the immediate problem I understand. But could be a way forward for him eventually. Otherwise he may continue to believe that the problem lies with everyone else. And react in the moment etc.

isthesolution · 28/09/2025 18:26

Awww it’s very sad but he is 27!

Back off completely and let him stand on his on two feet. There is provision to help people who are discharged and have nowhere to go. Wish him a speedy recovery, tell him to let you know how he is getting on.

It’s time to let him leave your life im afraid. He isn’t doing anyone any good x

DoubtfulCat · 28/09/2025 18:39

To those saying they feel for him and couldn’t turn their back- op has offered him to come to hers and he has refused. He’s an adult with mental capacity and there really isn’t more that she can do, beyond keeping the offer on the table. She can’t force him to come to hers, can she.

Diarygirlqueen · 28/09/2025 20:44

isthesolution · 28/09/2025 18:26

Awww it’s very sad but he is 27!

Back off completely and let him stand on his on two feet. There is provision to help people who are discharged and have nowhere to go. Wish him a speedy recovery, tell him to let you know how he is getting on.

It’s time to let him leave your life im afraid. He isn’t doing anyone any good x

He is only 22, it's her son who is 27.