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Original poster

Stepson ready to be discharged from hospital but nowhere to go

177 replies

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 21:46

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3. their mum passed away a few months after SS was born. My sons dad was never in his life so my now late husband was a father figure to him as well.

I was always close to my stepchildren growing up and I am still close to SD. SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide. When he was about 15 my late husband walked in on him in bed with another boy, DH didn't handle it the best. I think he was shocked and he ended up calling him disgusting etc, he did end up apologising but I think that ruined their relationship. He also has never gotten along with my DS, he always said he was everyones favourite and he was really cruel to him a lot of the time, my DS really tried to make an effort but he didn't care. In reality, it probably looked like stepson was the favourite because as I said we let him get away with a lot and perhaps we shouldn't have but DH would make excuses for him because his mum died when he was just a few months.

Anyway, the my DS being the favourite allegations wasn't helped by the fact when DH died (5 years ago) he left his business to my son, my son was already working there and had been since he was a teen and knew the trade. Stepson had no interest and frankly, I don't think my DH trusted him (his death was also unexpected so it could've changed if he didn't passed away then). SS didn't go to the funeral which was his choice and while I've been trying with him we don't have a relationship at all really.

He thinks he's above everyone in his attitude, he pushes everyone away because he gets angry with them and says horrible things to them (he has done this even with SD over text) no matter what someone has done for him, he often paints them as the villain and as he's the saint. He wouldn't leave my son and his gf alone, he lied to DS that his gf cheated on him and then at the same time lied to his gf about DS cheating on her for no reason whatsoever. My DS and his gf now don't want anything to do with him.

He barely has a relationship with SD, he was staying with her for a bit when he left here but in the end she told him to leave, I don't know the full story but he caused problems for her and her partner and wasn't appreciative of anything.

He doesn't work, he worked one shift at a supermarket and quit because he thinks he's above it. He stays in a hotel atm because he has no friends to stay with anymore. He has no friends. Most other family have fallen out with him and have blocked him. He's quite manipulative

Now the issue: he was rushed to hospital earlier this week and needed emergency surgery as his appendix had ruptured. A random person phoned the ambulance but if it had been left any longer he would've died, anyway he's in hospital and recovering and he's likely to be discharged tomorrow but due to the surgery and it not being a simple surgery for appendicitis they can't discharge him to stay on his own, it will be a complicated recovery so he will need help with things. The issue is he doesn't want to come and stay with me, his reasons are that DS will visit and act smug toward him, which he won't do. Just because they don't have a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's been asking me how he is. I've told him this but he still doesn't want to stay at mine, he's adamant he'll be fine on his own “because that’s how it's always been” (his words). But due to the hospitals duty of care they won't discharge him

What do I do?!

OP posts:
EconomyClassRockstar · 30/09/2025 02:47

This thread made me well up. That poor kid! He needs some support, some actual love and some bloody good therapy to help him get through quite substantial childhood trauma. It's up to you, OP if you want to be part of that or not.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 30/09/2025 03:23

No wonder our society is as it is. Poor lad.

BessandCosmo · 30/09/2025 03:42

Londonrach1 · 27/09/2025 21:56

He doesn't want to come to you and you don't want him. He is an adult. Answer nothing....id let an adult decide what's right for them.

Unnecessary and unfair. She has clearly said she’s willing to have him come to stay with her to recover.

Runningshorts · 30/09/2025 05:14

I feel so sorry for the stepson. He's lost both parents at a young age and his father left his business to your son instead. That will have hurt SS deeply. He needs love and support and to have someone on his side.

Nestingbirds · 30/09/2025 05:21

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 23:00

He was living with me until January this year, he'd always cause arguments with DS whenever he came over and then the final straw was when he lied to DS & his gf. I sided with DS and I was angry with him and told him I didn't want him living with me if he had that attitude. To this day he hasn't apologised for either of them and his excuse at the time was it was funny

He sofa surfed for a while and then from May-August he stayed with SD and then she asked him to leave because he was causing problems and wasn't grateful in any way, I did tell him at the time I didn't want him back here and he's been in a hotel for the past 3/4 weeks. But I haven't said he can't stay now

So he is now homeless op. He isn’t ‘living’ in a hotel, he has nowhere to go.

He lost his mother as hold, his father unexpectedly and he has nothing and no one. His father gave everything to your son.

It’s an absolute heartbreaking situation, and now he is in hospital.

Empress13 · 30/09/2025 05:21

Poor SS has been crying out for love and support I feel sorry for him tbh but he’s an adult and old enough to make his own decisions. Just keep checking in on him and always be there

Nestingbirds · 30/09/2025 05:28

I read some of the callous replies on here and the total lack of empathy and care even for a very young adult that lost both parents as a child, it is shocking. I’m not surprised the suicide rate is so high amongst young people if they are surrounded by people like some of the pp.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 05:50

Burnterni · 27/09/2025 22:14

I suspect the hospital will want him to leave quickly as he'll be taking up a bed which isn't really needed and is already being quite difficult.

I worry if I step back he'll paint it as I refused to let him stay and was happy for him to have no where to go whilst he recovered.

He's already told the nurses that I forced him to leave originally and I told him I don't want him back

Let him get on with it OP. If that’s the picture he chooses to paint it’s nothing to do with you. It won’t have any repercussions for you - he’s an adult and a difficult one to deal with all round. At some point he has to learn that his actions have consequences. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 05:51

Nestingbirds · 30/09/2025 05:21

So he is now homeless op. He isn’t ‘living’ in a hotel, he has nowhere to go.

He lost his mother as hold, his father unexpectedly and he has nothing and no one. His father gave everything to your son.

It’s an absolute heartbreaking situation, and now he is in hospital.

Show quote history

And what do you think OP can do about that if he doesn’t want to stay with her ?

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 05:58

Nestingbirds · 30/09/2025 05:28

I read some of the callous replies on here and the total lack of empathy and care even for a very young adult that lost both parents as a child, it is shocking. I’m not surprised the suicide rate is so high amongst young people if they are surrounded by people like some of the pp.

I don’t think it’s callousness, more realism. Yes, he’s had a difficult childhood, but that doesn’t entitle him to behave so badly to everyone as a result. Now he’s in a position where he needs the people he’s seemingly dedicated his life to pushing away and his own stubbornness is preventing him from taking up the help OP is offering. He’s an adult and as an adult, if he chooses to follow through on that decision then he has to take the consequences.

Silvertulips · 30/09/2025 06:04

You know most people have met your DS in some form or other - the nurses won’t think badly of you - after all your DS is a victim, he plays a part, everyone is mean everyone hates him - he’s not unique or special.

You have to step back and let him fail - he’s probably loving the attention this brings him and he can play victim to the hospital staff.

If he doesn’t want to accept your kindness - then let him - stop feeling guilty. He’s had more chances than most people.

Nestingbirds · 30/09/2025 06:08

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 05:58

I don’t think it’s callousness, more realism. Yes, he’s had a difficult childhood, but that doesn’t entitle him to behave so badly to everyone as a result. Now he’s in a position where he needs the people he’s seemingly dedicated his life to pushing away and his own stubbornness is preventing him from taking up the help OP is offering. He’s an adult and as an adult, if he chooses to follow through on that decision then he has to take the consequences.

Edited
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Sone posts do lack empathy, it sounds to me like he has not had the support he needed to process such huge loss, grief and trauma.

He is now homeless. In hospital. It must be a very lonely and isolating experience. He is barely out of his teen years, and clearly struggling to manage.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 06:11

Nestingbirds · 29/09/2025 19:18

He is an orphan, and lost his mother very early in life, of course this has impacted him. He probably feels rejected by his father leaving the business to someone else.

I would continue to offer love and support. Whilst respecting his decision to stay elsewhere if he wants to. I would keep my son away if he does decide to stay. That’s the least you can do I think.

Edited

What a ridiculous suggestion. Why should OP stop her own son from visiting ? After years of DSS being disruptive and from what OP’s said has also pretty awful to DS throughout childhood, banning DS from visiting his family home for he benefit of DSS is going to go down like the proverbial lead balloon.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 30/09/2025 06:22

Could your son message him and tell him it would be a good idea for him to stay with you?

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 06:26

Nestingbirds · 30/09/2025 06:08

Sone posts do lack empathy, it sounds to me like he has not had the support he needed to process such huge loss, grief and trauma.

He is now homeless. In hospital. It must be a very lonely and isolating experience. He is barely out of his teen years, and clearly struggling to manage.

Show quote history

To be honest l’m a bit baffled as to where DSS has suffered huge loss, grief and trauma given that he was a baby of a few months when his mum died. He would barely remember her, if at all, surely ? DSD was ten and l would have thought she would be the one traumatised and difficult as a result. Not sure why posters are making this the excuse for DSS behaving so badly towards everyone to the point where he’s been blocked from contact by most of his family, including his own sister.

spoonbillstretford · 30/09/2025 06:28

I don't think you can say anything else other than "Well, the offer is there." and that you think it would be a good idea if he stayed with your for a while and leave it at that for him to make his mind up. Who is officially his next of kin?

spoonbillstretford · 30/09/2025 06:35

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 06:26

To be honest l’m a bit baffled as to where DSS has suffered huge loss, grief and trauma given that he was a baby of a few months when his mum died. He would barely remember her, if at all, surely ? DSD was ten and l would have thought she would be the one traumatised and difficult as a result. Not sure why posters are making this the excuse for DSS behaving so badly towards everyone to the point where he’s been blocked from contact by most of his family, including his own sister.

Show quote history

I'd say he could have missed out on the key building blocks of the brain as a baby. Being separated from his mother could have impaired the growth of brain areas responsible for social and emotional regulation. This can lead to lifelong difficulties in managing emotions, increased fear, and a greater risk of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues

PersephoneParlormaid · 30/09/2025 06:37

He’s an adult with capacity. Leave him to it.

Stressystressylemonzesty · 30/09/2025 06:42

It does sound like trauma playing out as ND, I feel for the OP as she probably feels a great responsibility for him but he also needs to own his struggles and work through them.

InTheMountainsThere · 30/09/2025 06:43

spoonbillstretford · 30/09/2025 06:35

I'd say he could have missed out on the key building blocks of the brain as a baby. Being separated from his mother could have impaired the growth of brain areas responsible for social and emotional regulation. This can lead to lifelong difficulties in managing emotions, increased fear, and a greater risk of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues

Show quote history

Yes exactly - this is how attachment disorders occur, sometimes even though a child is loved. It's one of the reasons adopted children often have attachment disorders even though they were adopted by loving parents as babies (and is one of several reasons that surrogacy is not in the best interests of the children created that way).

nosleepforme · 30/09/2025 06:51

wow, long intro for no reason.

do nothing. What can you do? He doesn’t want to move into yours, you can’t force him.

Rubyupbeat · 30/09/2025 06:52

@Costcogroupie
How can you say that, she has been in his life since he was 1 year old and the only mother he knows.
Your own flesh and blood can become wayward and you still love them the same.

Tontostitis · 30/09/2025 06:54

EchoedSilence · 27/09/2025 21:57

it sounds like he feels pushed out in favour of your DS. Sad all round really. I can understand him feeling resentful.

Good grief that's a leap. Projecting much?

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 07:02

spoonbillstretford · 30/09/2025 06:35

I'd say he could have missed out on the key building blocks of the brain as a baby. Being separated from his mother could have impaired the growth of brain areas responsible for social and emotional regulation. This can lead to lifelong difficulties in managing emotions, increased fear, and a greater risk of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues

Show quote history

I can understand this totally but l think it’s a different issue - my issue is with posters excusing his seemingly appalling and self destructive behaviour down to suffering huge grief and trauma at the loss of his mother, when this was clearly not the case.

ticklyfeet · 30/09/2025 07:13

I agree with you and he may have an attachment issue as a result of his past.
Some who have experienced similar childhood issues choose to go it alone…but this young man needs to find it within himself to be self sufficient if he chooses this path.