Stepson ready to be discharged from hospital but nowhere to go

[Burnterni]

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3. their mum passed away a few months after SS was born. My sons dad was never in his life so my now late husband was a father figure to him as well.

I was always close to my stepchildren growing up and I am still close to SD. SS was difficult as soon as he hit his teens, he was permanently excluded from his private school, he got into drugs, shoplifted and we probably did let too much slide. When he was about 15 my late husband walked in on him in bed with another boy, DH didn't handle it the best. I think he was shocked and he ended up calling him disgusting etc, he did end up apologising but I think that ruined their relationship. He also has never gotten along with my DS, he always said he was everyones favourite and he was really cruel to him a lot of the time, my DS really tried to make an effort but he didn't care. In reality, it probably looked like stepson was the favourite because as I said we let him get away with a lot and perhaps we shouldn't have but DH would make excuses for him because his mum died when he was just a few months.

Anyway, the my DS being the favourite allegations wasn't helped by the fact when DH died (5 years ago) he left his business to my son, my son was already working there and had been since he was a teen and knew the trade. Stepson had no interest and frankly, I don't think my DH trusted him (his death was also unexpected so it could've changed if he didn't passed away then). SS didn't go to the funeral which was his choice and while I've been trying with him we don't have a relationship at all really.

He thinks he's above everyone in his attitude, he pushes everyone away because he gets angry with them and says horrible things to them (he has done this even with SD over text) no matter what someone has done for him, he often paints them as the villain and as he's the saint. He wouldn't leave my son and his gf alone, he lied to DS that his gf cheated on him and then at the same time lied to his gf about DS cheating on her for no reason whatsoever. My DS and his gf now don't want anything to do with him.

He barely has a relationship with SD, he was staying with her for a bit when he left here but in the end she told him to leave, I don't know the full story but he caused problems for her and her partner and wasn't appreciative of anything.

He doesn't work, he worked one shift at a supermarket and quit because he thinks he's above it. He stays in a hotel atm because he has no friends to stay with anymore. He has no friends. Most other family have fallen out with him and have blocked him. He's quite manipulative

Now the issue: he was rushed to hospital earlier this week and needed emergency surgery as his appendix had ruptured. A random person phoned the ambulance but if it had been left any longer he would've died, anyway he's in hospital and recovering and he's likely to be discharged tomorrow but due to the surgery and it not being a simple surgery for appendicitis they can't discharge him to stay on his own, it will be a complicated recovery so he will need help with things. The issue is he doesn't want to come and stay with me, his reasons are that DS will visit and act smug toward him, which he won't do. Just because they don't have a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's been asking me how he is. I've told him this but he still doesn't want to stay at mine, he's adamant he'll be fine on his own “because that’s how it's always been” (his words). But due to the hospitals duty of care they won't discharge him

What do I do?!

Just tell him the offer is there for him to stay at yours, and leave it with him to decide. Infact tell him over text as well so if he does twist it in future you can revert him back to it, so he stays in touch with reality.
poor boy has obviously a lot of trauma, the mental health team should of seen him whilst he was in hospital. He needs a lot of therapy.

You stay out of it. It's none of your business. Not your circus not your monkeys. He is nothing but trouble and you'd be harming your son if you let him back. You need to cut contact and have nothing to do with him ever again. Wipe him from your life permanently.

You've let him know that you are happy for him to come and stay with you if he wants to. If he doesn't, then he's an adult and needs to make other arrangements that satisfy the hospital's requirements for discharged. I get that you want to be helpful to him and that's sweet of you, but you can't kidnap him, so I really don't think you can do much more!

I couldn’t agree more!

This may be all over the place so sorry in advance. I have a DS, he’s 27, A step daughter, who's now 31 and a stepson who's 22. I've been in step children’s life since they were 1 & 10, and my son was 3

Ages then: 10, 3, 1
Ages now: 31, 27, 22

Difference in years: 21, 24, 21.

You are right, it is a little all over the place. I'm going with 'typo' for now.

What do you do? You allow him to make his own decision. The hospital might not discharge him, but they can't force him to stay. If he would rather go back to the hotel and recuperate alone, let him. He sound like someone that feels he has a point to prove, however mistaken he is, and I strongly suspect there is nothing that you can do or say that will change his mind.

Sure, go through the motions of inviting him to stay (as long as you mean it). But you can't make him accept your support.

That's certainly what would happen where I live, although the referral would go via adult social care (county council) to housing (district council), because we still have two-tier local government.

I did resettlement work with a few clients who came via this route.

No doubt hospital will keep him a day or two more , appendicitis isn’t usually a major op , maybe you could just help him with shopping when he comes out , he sounds quite manipulative but I can understand your concern x

I have a friend whose adult children does this. Over the years she's just had to trust that the others involved - medical professionals etc - can read between the lines and make up their own minds. The nurses will have seen all this before and are not there to judge you.

If he will allow you to visit,can you go in cheery and breezy with grapes, repeat that you're more than happy to have him to stay while he recovers? But don't try to persuade him - if he still says no then just say you're there if he needs you and get yourself away. You can't do anything else.

What about your late husband's family - no uncles or aunts, grandparents who might support him? What do you think he will do when the money runs out?

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure you've made the best decisions you could at the time over the years. You can't control what SS now chooses to do.

I have a friend whose adult children does this. Over the years she's just had to trust that the others involved - medical professionals etc - can read between the lines and make up their own minds. The nurses will have seen all this before and are not there to judge you.

If he will allow you to visit,can you go in cheery and breezy with grapes, repeat that you're more than happy to have him to stay while he recovers? But don't try to persuade him - if he still says no then just say you're there if he needs you and get yourself away. You can't do anything else.

What about your late husband's family - no uncles or aunts, grandparents who might support him? What do you think he will do when the money runs out?

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure you've made the best decisions you could at the time over the years. You can't control what SS now chooses to do.

He didn't inherit the family business but that doesn't mean he was excluded from his father's will altogether.
But how he can afford to stay in a hotel isn't really the issue here.

I understand your point of view, but that's not how trauma works. Trauma sits in the oldest part of the brain, the amygdala, and that bit deals with how we respond to threat, and depending on how it develops can have an impact on how we process emotion in relation to difficult events. The baby years are when most core connections in the brain are being created, so trauma as a baby can have long lasting implications in how people deal with difficult situations. That's very simplified (and I'm not an expert, I have a basic knowledge due to training for my job, so if you are an expert feel free to pitch in and correct me!).

Me too.

To have gone through so many significant adverse experiences at such a young age is beyond tough. To lose a parent in infancy is bad enough, but then to be gay and have a homophobic parent who blatantly favours their stepson must have been truly awful.

I feel so sorry for him, and I really hope that he gets the help he needs to process all this.

I would have thought the hospital social worker would be called in.

If he needs wound care they may suggest a care home.

I think therapy might be a good idea.

You say, OK DSS, all the best and get well soon. He is probably enjoying the fact that you're trying to convince him; it gives him a sense of power and control. He sounds like he's addicted to drama in his interpersonal relationships and it's not doing him any good.

This is what I'd been doing.

Of course he has some kind of trauma.
His mother died when he was a small baby. His father died when he was 17. He is an orphan. His father, his only relative, didn't accept him as gay initially and then chose to leave much more to his stepson than to him. His only bio relative is 10 years older, has memories of the mother he never had, and now isn't talking to him.

Frankly he is bound to be a mess who doesn't trust in unconditional love and that people who love him will stay in his life.

He is still a very young man and when he was literally dying he had no one he felt he could turn to. If "some random" hadn't called an ambulance he would literally now be dead

This is one of the saddest things I have ever read on here, and the replies are shocking. OP you need to view this through a trauma lens. Tell him he can stay with you and your DS (who is 25 now I believe) will keep away until he feels strong enough; that he (stepson) is your total priority right now and that nobody and nothing matters as much to you right now than seeing him get better and looking after him.

I am a child psychologist btw and do know what I am talking about.

Social Services will try and assist with carers, but, ultimately, he’s an adult and can do as he likes.

It’s a shame, but he’s not your problem now.

Tell him..... that nobody and nothing matters as much to you right now than seeing him get better and looking after him.

But that wouldn't be true, would it? And there is absolutely no reason why it should be.

For a child psychologist you have presented a very skewed version of what OP actually said. His father didn’t choose to leave more to OP’s son because his own son was gay, he left OP’s son the business because he was working in it, knew more about it and DSS wasn’t interested in it. Would you want a child to inherit a business you’d built up knowing they would likely run it into the ground, when you have a stepchild who was a much better fit ?

His sister isn’t talking to him because his behaviour has alienated her, and most other members of the family, who have also blocked him.

And why are you suggesting OP’s son keep away from his family home while she priorities a DSS who was cruel to him as a child ? A DSS who doesn’t want her help. It’s absolutely beyond me why so many people are excusing what sounds like appalling behaviour from a 22 year old man who isn’t taking responsibility for anything in his life. And if the people around him are anything like some posters here, telling him it’s all because of his damaged childhood, that’s hardly surprising is it ?

Honestly you have tried time to step back and let the consequences sink in he cannot go around hurting people all the time then expect them to make you a priority

Excellent, totally agree. Some of the replies are crazy.
I really hope the OP listens to this advice.

I’d just let him sort it out himself!
You’re very kind that you even offered for him to stay with you!
I’d not bother with him, he sounds toxic!

@Burnterni sounds like a very kind person but that doesn’t mean that the way she has perceived and interpreted events is any more reliable than the way in which @Millionsofmonkeys has said the stepson might have perceived them. The truth is not absolute in these kinds of circumstances and individual perception is everything when it comes to trauma. Which is why therapies which help reframe context can be so effective but there is no suggestion the SS has ever had any.

I don’t think anyone is saying OP needs to take the SS in for the rest of his life and cut her own son off from the home forever. We are talking about a relatively short convalescence period so I think you are overreacting here more than a little.

"A DSS who was cruel to him as a child"
He was substantially younger than the step brother. A 2 year old versus a 7 year old, for example. Or a 7 year old versus a 12 year old. So I don't see how the older stepbrother can have been helpless.

When he was 15 and found out to be gay his father was disgusted and gave him the firm message that his father's love is conditional.

He was 17 when his father died. Many 17 year olds are irresponsible. The message that he doesn't have unconditional positive regard from his only bio parent, already made clear when he was 15, was then made crystal clear by being excluded from the main asset in the will. Having your only remaining parent leave his major asset to a person he wasn't biologically related to must have been a huge slap in the face. It would be a slap in the face to me at age 50 if my father left his business to someone he wasn't related to.

The fact is that nobody unconditionally loves this boy or has done since his mother died. He feels this to the extent that he is now lashing out at remaining family and alienating them.

And that is tragic. A 22 year old in severe pain who had nobody to call to say 'i am in trouble here' - that's tragic. If you disagree, then we have nothing in common and it's a waste of time trying to educate you on adverse childhood experiences and how they impact a person; you wouldn't hear it.

Yes, there is. She is this boy's defacto mother figure.

If he was her blood son, she would drop everything. He may not be blood but she has been his mother figure since he was 1 year old. He has nobody else.

Otherwise she is just confirming his view that nobody really accepts him, that he's alone in this world and has been since he was a few months old.

I'm surprised at some of the responses here.

Reading the OP I think it's quite clear your DH has messed up raising his son- between the lines it sounds like he favoured his straight stepson over his 'disgusting' gay son, culminating in him leaving the business to the stepson. It also sounds like obvious acting out was ignored and not treated with any seriousness. I'm struggling to see much care or parenting going on.

He now has nothing, except perhaps his pride, which he is utilizing (probably rashly and foolishly) to refuse your help. Hopefully he'll get the help he needs and will make something of his life, perhaps he'll end up on the streets- it's his choice now I'm afraid. If he's turning down your help now when he's theoretically desperate, I don't see the relationship as repairable in the near future.

If you do sincerely want to help, I'd suggest baby steps with low expectations and an acknowledgement that your DH probably failed as a father in many ways.