To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

No I don’t resent my children it’s almost as if we can’t acknowledge how hard being a lone parent is 🙄

Odd that you don't mention if it was your choice to be a single mother, or if you happened to be divorced.
If it was by choice, I don't know how you would have imagined it to be great.

Oh gawd, so homeschooling a child, I wonder if it's a child with additional needs as well. I know someone else in the same position and her child is waiting for a place at a special school. What about the evenings? Does your kiddo have a regular bedtime?

Sorry but by beaks I meant overnight/ weekends like most single mums get if the ex is involved. A couple of hours here and there just doesn’t cut it.

Yes she does mention why she became single

Most lone parents don’t choose to be. Sperm donor is very unusual sorry you are confused though.

I agree OP and I had supportive friends and family. I am a widow. I would like to say it gets better but when DD was a teenager she was living her life (studying, watching tv in her room, out with friends, working etc) and I was sitting in the lounge watching Coronation Street with the cat. Many lonely nights, and Christmasses/birthdays.

I get you. I'm in the same position though my children are older (eldest has SN though, which means I'm effectively trapped in the house when he isn't at school). Father hasn't seen them for a year now, hasn't done an overnight for four years, because he has a GIRLFRIEND, you see. It's the relentless grind of homeworks, baths, noise, getting kids to bed every night, the battles with teenagers, and never having a dinner alone, a film, bed - just a bit of simple peace and quiet and solitude - yes, it's shit.

And doctors have nothing to offer but antidepressants - hey, that woman's exhausted and lonely and fed up and suffering the consequences of men's selfish irresponsibility, so let's medicate her so she forgets how unfair it is.

It all sucks. 💐

It can be very lonely and miserable in an unhappy marriage too.

I plan to date when I finally get to that stage.

I can imagine but for different reasons though I wasn’t unhappy he left me I was happy.

So you are a full time carer for you 10 year old, is that right?
I think this is why it is impossibly hard. You have no respite at all.
Are they unable to attend any sort of educational provision? I presume you are therefore also unable to work.
The people telling you it's great probably do not have the same responsibilities as you. Where are all your family? I understand they may live away so be of no practical support, but are you estranged? For no one to send you a card or even a text on your Birthday must really hurt.

I have been a lone parent for 10 years, youngest is now 16. It was very hard and still is in some ways. I am not lonely, but have felt very alone at times - the crushing pressure of all the responsibility is a lonely place. I was made redundant last month and things feel very precarious at the moment.

What is the long term plan for your child with additional needs?

I was a single mum for over a decade and it was crap. Though the difference back then was that there was less pressure to work, and school hours was my free time, so I quite enjoyed finding stuff to do while ds was at school. Without a bit of free time to yourself it would be suffocating. I was lucky to have family support to go out in the evenings, which meant I eventually could meet someone, but it would have been much harder not to have that option. I used to leave him at home on his own when he was in his teens though, I think that's old enough depending on needs.

@RibenaRibena sorry if I have missed this, but how old are your kids?

Good - and yes, being a parent is stupidly hard, let alone on your own for the whole journey. You do sound down tho and that's really sad. I do think there are things you can do to try and change things - probably all of them small but they add up. Remember tho please, you've done a heck of a lot to be proud of yourself, you've done it all on your own. Honestly, kudos where it's due.

I have no family that helps and I'm also a lone parent as child's dad lives in another country now.

I'm not saying it's not hard, the teen years are just as bad as the toddler years but I don't find it all hard.

The parenting I don't find an issue, it's the factbthat when they're being an ass I sint have anyone else that can step in and say yes you're being out of order etc.
The fact that when you're I'll you're still having to do everything. Bills are all in you. House upkeep, gardening, working, cooking, cleaning... basically ALL decision making stops with you.
That's what I find the most hard

Personally even without kids I'm not the kind of person ot go on spa breaks or weekends away with friends etc so don't feel like I'm missing out there, it's more the exhaustion of having No-one to fall back on when you really need it. That's what I struggle with

Well, taking you at your word, I went back to see if I missed something, and this is what I see:
It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.
I don't see anything about her singleness there, and I'm not going to bother sifting through to see if she added more later.

I know, but nothing is going to change, so all you can do is change your mindset. I'm sorry to be blunt. Your just going to have to accept that this is how life is for now and find the joys in what you have

I have friends and family who have nights out and weekends away ect, nice holidays..... I wouldn't swap lives with them, their partners bring them nothing but stress and upset

Everyone paints their relationships and lives to be perfect but their not. My friend is currently on holiday with her partner and their children. On face value it looks like she's having an incredible time. But she's not. She's miserable and she doesn't want to be with him anymore because she does all the mental load of life / household chores and he does literally nothing.

My sister looks happily married on the surface. Posts instagram style photos and nice days out. No one knows her husband has lost his job 3 times and now their having to move into a caravan.... when she does tell people she will paint it as a chosen adventure....

The days are long but the years go fast. In a few years your youngest will of started school and you'll be able to have some time to yourself during the day hopefully then

Honestly, just try to look at the positives of it all.

Why not? Couple hours here and there add up, it's a break. Caring is hard work, those hours here and there can be invaluable if you look at it from a different angle.
Have you no family around at all that you can talk to? Friends, explain how your feeling?

OP this sounds incredibly hard. You have explained in your post that you did not choose to be a single parent, you have no support network, no money, no opportunity for a break and children with additional needs. . Yet a lot of posters can’t seem to understand your pain is understandable but seem to think there is a psychological diagnosis. I’m sorry your life is so difficult and everything you’re writing is valid

It was hard enough with financial support and regular contact. I cannot even imagine how much harder it was without. It honestly feels painful even imagining that. Your feelings are totally valid.

mine are now both adults but I did all but 2 years of it alone. Even before then he worked away. Writing this has made me realise I genuinely have and will never have experience of what it’s like to co parent.

My family are a strange bunch. My mum wouldn’t help me she seems to enjoy seeing me struggle. She was a lone parent and I think in some ways it makes her feel better that I have to experience it too, she didn’t get any help so why should I is how she views it. My dad was emotional support though not physical as he was disabled but he died 2 years ago. The only person I usually get a text from on my birthday is my ex even though we don’t speak but even he didn’t bother last year.

Can't you find other single parents and get a bit of a network going ?

Thank you

They are in school apart from one with additional needs who hasn’t been able to attend school for 3 years