To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

So if you out and out ask your mum, explain that you're really struggling, she'd not help you?

I don't think you're depressed. As a previous poster said, you are just at the end of your tether thanks to your situation. The fact that you are keen to get out there and date shows you are optimistic for the future. I am glad you are here and feel safe enough to discuss the problem. It must feel so overwhelming. What are your cleaning/shopping/cooking routines like? Maybe making a few small changes here and there could make a bit of a difference to your every day. Wishing you the best 💐

I’ve had them but the travelling around picking up dropping off isn’t worth the break most of the time by the time I’m back home it’s half an hour before having to go out and get them again to account for travel. It’s not really a break

Ohhh lovely I was a lone parent for many years and still kind of am. The lone you are speaking of. I met someone through a hobby. I was doing the hobby for myself though. We live in two diff countries because of work and kids school but huge difference is his support of me, thats such a huge help to share and any moment spare, we fly to each other. I'm in the UK to see my family during kids time off and he's here random weekends etc when work allows. It's so hard but please do things you enjoy because you never know!

No she wouldn’t

I know some single parents their lives couldn’t be more different as they all have involved exes

Why doesn’t your ex see the children or pay maintenance

Because he cannot be bothered and I was no longer facilitating contact in my house and he refused to take them to his or take them out. He doesn’t work.

There’s some really unhelpful posts on this thread. Parenting is hard and can feel overwhelming and unrelenting, but that’s how many of us feel when we have a partner and family (mine aren’t local but will help where they can). Add in no partner to tag team with or leave dc for a night out, single income and a dc with additional needs and of course it’s going to be lonely and hard. That’s not the op being depressed, that’s the op struggling to be mum and dad on minimal money feeling exhausted and lonely.

I’m really sorry it’s like this for you op. I wonder if you could venture into online dating just for chat and company even if you’re not looking to actually go on a date? Be prepared for some horrors but if you’re not planning to meet them you could use it as a form of human interaction and amusement. I’d say that in 5 years your life will look different as dc will be that much older. In the mean time, don’t be hard on yourself and set unrealistic expectations (you’re not 2 people so don’t compare), and try to aim to get out of the house each day - it’s less claustrophobic and mess you can’t see isn’t there.

I was a lone parent, but had family support so I was never alone. And I worked full time so had a moment in my life whereby my child wasn’t front and centre and I could just be adult me.

It sounds like your world is just you and your children, and I can imagine that being hard.

I will say that those of us that enjoy single parenting, mainly had a miserable time with a man. My life was much much better when it was me and my DD than when it was the 3 of us, because I was miserable and he was a terrible partner. I spent lockdown with my DD and yes, it was hard, but I really enjoyed her company (she was about 7).

Do you work? Is your work fulfilling in any way? My career was interesting to me, and challenged me. If work isn’t the place that gives you some “you time”, then what about hobbies? I ended up starting my own local craft clubs, and it meant that when I didn’t have a sitter I could bring my DD along because I made up the rules(ish) - but through getting involved in child friendly community troupe events, I have met lots of people and parenting felt less lonely.

My advice to you is to find a way to spend a few hours without your children - and maybe you need to start by asking someone to babysit - grabbing coffee with a mum after the school run - anything that gives you a sense of purpose.

It is hard - but I hope you find you time.

Would the council or social services help with respite for your child with additional needs?

I found them both really helpful, social services referred me for a personal carers budget and it is in the rules that it can only be spent on the parent , not our child.

See what "short break care" schemes your council has because you should be eligible for it

It can be weekends, childminders, holidays ect,

The friend I have who walks the same path as me (entirely alone, very little practical support) is a really great support emotionally for me, and me for her. Obviously we rarely see each other, but we chat quite a bit. We just get it w/o having to explain.

What an asshole…….I would definitely be speaking to the lazy ass about this again and insist that he takes them at least part of the day on Saturdays and Sundays……it’s not like the idiot has a job or doesn’t have the time, if he is not paying you maintenance the least he could do is take them off your hands for a bit at the weekend !

Would more money help? Can you scramble up the career ladder at all, make things a bit more comfortable?

He hasn’t seen or spoken to them since may 2023 so I will not be contacting him

Thank you

Or unhappiness and exhaustion, why are so many people on here pushing her to take pills, pills will not change her situation

Thanks yes I definitely don’t plan to take any pills. It’s exhausting raising children alone I’m tired because I’m doing everything without a break.

@RibenaRibena
Have you checked out this organization? I'm linking to the groups page.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/your-community/groups/

I am a sole parent of 2, after being widowed in 2023. It is the hardest, most relentless life. I just try to survive and by the end of each day I am on my knees. I also have no support, no time off- and though my children are a bit older - their needs just change, rather than diminish, with the addition of life-decisions and stages like exams, dealing with all the issues that having teens brings. They are a bit more independent now, which gives me some light at the end of the tunnel, and I want to give you that hope. But it’s exhausting. I have no practical support.
People don’t / can’t understand this life, and that makes it even harder and more lonely. Not having a break ever, is soul-destroying.

i don’t really have any advice, just wanted to say that your feelings are totally valid. Just remember to breathe when it gets too much - I find this simple act does help in a small way.

Thank you, I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes. I don’t resent my kids just my ex and my situation but I honestly feel this isolation is like a prison, sometimes I go out simply to put the bins out and I hear and see people together laughing and joking, off out somewhere, and I then feel like I’m walking back into my prison and life is happening around me but I’m not part of it, I’m just existing.

That's poor. Sorry, esp if you admitted you're struggling. Sorry.

Life as a single parent IS hard but I can totally understand why so many have suggested speaking to the gp. Depression or exhaustion, whatever the cause, there are things the OP could do to find some tiny pocket of happiness in each day.

Despite the fact that you may have made different decisions in hindsight, you didn't. You chose to have children and you owe it to all of you to not just 'give up' but make any changes you can, no matter how small. Don't teach your children that life 'happens' to you and you can't change any of it. How must it be for them to only know an environment of sadness and hopelessness?

I am a lone parent. My exh left when I was pregnant with our 4th child. I know it's hard and I'm sorry you feel so hopeless. You do need to talk to someone and it is up to you to do so. You are young and you are worthy of feeling more than this

Of course I don’t tell them I’m unhappy they know I struggle but that’s life of a lone parent unfortunately

OP - I totally understand. I was left with a small baby - my life was literally turned upside down overnight - and it was incredibly hard.