To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

I spent my last birthday sat in Pizza Hut on my own with my kids I honestly never felt so miserable in my life but put on a brave face for them. Didn’t get a single text from anyone not even so called family.

No their exes are involved they don’t need or want to swap babysitting favours

Oh God, I sympathise.
I have been a single parent for years and years and years. I am tired now.
I don’t have anything useful to say, I am sorry. But I get it.

i am editing this to say I just don’t do my birthdays anymore and grit my teeth through Christmas.

People don’t get it do they?
It wrings you out.
sending love OP

How sure are you that you 'don't have depression' as you are ticking a lot of the boxes?
Not interested in anything, don't find joy anywhere or in anything. Answering in curt one worded answers.
Of course it isn't your fault. Your set up sounds pretty rubbish and you are not to blame. But there is help out there and support.
Your children are clearly over 10 so you aren't in the trenches. Shortly they will be way more independent and you will have more time for you.

@RibenaRibena My ex isn’t involved, doesn’t contribute time or money, and I’ve no family support. It is tough, you really do have my sympathies. I also echo what others have said here: I think you need to speak to your GP about support with your low mood.

This.

I am a lone parent as I adopted as a single parent. DD couldn't take me out for dinner or a spa day. But we still had fun together.

If you can't find the energy to enjoy yourself, you need to ask for help. There are lots of lone parents - whether widowed, abandoned, single adopters - who do find happiness despite the pressures.

It's not just about money or time off (though those help). Being the sole support financially and emotionally is tiring. But you should be able to find happy moments despite that. If not, you need help.

I have used anti depressants at times. It helped. Yes, it was situational to some degree. So what? It helped.

But I do get it. As do others on this thread. It’s fucking gruelling and exhausting but there is joy in it, too, you just have to dig through the muck to find it. Sometimes that feels harder than at other times, but it’s not impossible - unless your brain is trying to fuck you over on top of everything else.

They are not all over 10 My ex left when I was pregnant already said this.. and they have additional needs so please don’t make assumptions that it’s easier it isn’t.

I think posters are trying to be helpful - i know i have been.

Please, please go to your GP. The way you are feeling is not inevitable for people parenting without a partner. Most of us have good moments despite the pressure of having to provide everything.

But you don’t have way more time for yourself, unless you have someone to look after them of an evening or you are going to leave them - which you can do for an hour or two once they are into their teens and build it up. But having a proper relationship is off the cards unless you let that person into your home, which I don’t want to do.

All the laundry and cooking and cleaning and paying for stuff still needs done, and getting them through exam stress and all that. In some ways when they are little is easier because you still think it will get better.

I love my children very much and of course I laugh and find joy with them, but I am done with being the person who is responsible for everything and no-one looking after me. It’s okay to say that. Oh, and I am on anti-depressants and I still think enough now. But there is no choice, you just get on with it. But it’s okay to say it’s not okay.

Yes it’s hard. Yes sometimes I hate it. Relentless pressure to hold it all together all the time and be accountable all the time. I have ill health and my kids have sen. I work and I have no energy for anything else. Recently single after yet another disastrous relationship, I can’t settle for crumbs and I’m always wondering if I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face by preferring singledom over being in a ‘ok’ relationship.
i don’t know how people do it day after day in substandard relationships but i bet there’s an element of feeling supported on some level even in a crappy relationship

I had five kids, all were under 9 when XH and I split. He promptly decamped to the opposite end of the country, didn't pay,never saw the kids, I had no family support (all 350 miles away) and it was desperate. I honestly had thoughts about strapping us all in the car and driving into a reservoir so I know exactly how you feel, OP. I had no money, no adult company and it just felt as though it would go on forever.

However, it got easier and easier as the kids grew up. They started needing me less and I could have hobbies again - nothing fancy but I could read a whole book without having to break up a fight. I became a taxi service, but they could hold a conversation and they became more human.

They are all grown up now. I've had a couple of relationships since they got older but am on my own again now and they are honestly my best friends. They are all also extremely grateful and appreciative of what I did for them when they were younger (eldest daughter made me cry yesterday when she was recalling something we did when she was small).

Hang in there. Honestly. It feels like hell and my only advice is to find other single mum friends to lean on. Otherwise it's just day by day, inching through (and yes, Christmas is also awful). But you do all come out the other end feeling proud of yourself.

Thank you! In so many ways it was easier when they were little as I wouldn’t have wanted to be away from them! Now I’d happily pack their bags but when they were tiny I didn’t want to be away from them, and at least they wanted to do stuff back then, we had so many adventures now they don’t want to know and don’t want to go anywhere but not quite old enough to be left alone so I’m trapped at home every weekend.

I’m sorry you feel so unhappy.

Do you have any friends in a similar situation? How is your child? Do you do activities with her/him? Sometimes you can meet other lone parents that way. Sending you a hug.

It's really tough, and I say this as a lonely parent with no family support.
I know it's not easy, but for me when I realised no-one was coming to rescue us, and started retraining and fighting for a good career, that bought me meaning and purpose again. Think about what you used to love and find a way to get it. It's so hard and you may or may not pull it off, but it feels good to fight for yourself again. I hope that makes sense.
Open uni, youtube fitness classes, a glass of wine in the bath and a dance in the kitchen. Find our happiness and your purpose.
This too will pass. Sending you a hug

Hi I get it, I really do, I have been on my own for 6 yrs and counting. I've recently put myself out there a bit on the dating apps, I'm not sure what i want, I know i don't want any men around my girls, but i have 'needs' that have gone unseen to for a long time and I really need them dealing with. I think I just need some male attention, I have been v low too and lonely. I really do feel better just having conversations about something other than children or housework or work or dealing with the ex. It might be something to consider?? I just see it as 'self care' which sounds silly i know. But if it lifts your mood and makes you feel better, why not xxXx

I don’t get any free time at all so dating just isn’t an option, I’d certainly be happier if I could.

Does your child go to School during the week? Do you get some respite whilst your child is in School?

I think also, the age your child is makes a difference too

IME its not great but it is better than being with a useless, toxic, abusive partner. I think the main thing is the unrelentingness of it all, so often underestimated by friends who are either coupled or who share custody.

I said to a good friend recently that one of the biggest privileges a child can have is two parents who work as a team. She questioned whether it really makes a difference. I had to spell out how hard it is to find time to help with homework, do educational trips, enjoy holidays etc when you are skint, have two dc of different ages and every spare minute is spent washing, cleaning and doing school admin.

I was raised without my dad, as was my mum and her mum before her. So it is very much what we're used to. But I really hope my daughters find good people to share the load with.

You mentioned one of your children has additional needs. If you're their carer you might be able to use this organisation for a respite break.
https://carefreespace.org/

I have one at home full time

There are things out there. Lots of community centres have free after school clubs for children and they also have mum / baby groups which also leads to knowing about other groups

Both of mine have additional needs and our local community centre does a forest club for SEN children and a youth club for "normal" children( sorry not tryinf to offend anyone) .

Have a look in your local area, there will be some things you can go to. One of the woman who works at puts has a teen daughter who has been volunteering for years / Is a babysitter.

Honestly. Get to know your local community club, their always so so helpful and most have been in similar situations to us

It does get better, it feels like there's no end in sight. I didn't always enjoy it being just us, it's definetly got easier as they've gotten older

You sound like you resent your children?

As much as you deny it or ignore those posts am sorry, you do sound depressed, understandably. You've somehow got to find a way to get peace within, even while living the life you are not so keen on otherwise you'll be stuck in a circle of negative thoughts. Don't compare yourself to others who may have had an easier time of it, just know that you've done an amazing job on your own, kids growing up, safe, sound - you can't do much better than that as a mum and pat on the back!