To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

I’m a single mum to a 16 year old, fuck all family support but have built a friendship network over the years. I now have cancer and he is a complicated kid with sen and medical needs. I love being a single parent and am so glad I don’t have to manage the complication of another person in our home. It doesn’t have to be crap and miserable. Really sounds like you could do with talking to your GP, you really do sound depressed and if you can address that the rest will be so much easier

Yes my kids are well looked after I am just miserable, life on hold till they grow up.

It must be hard OP. What would make you feel happier about your situation, maybe someone else has experience in it and can offer advice!

I agree with the PP who said there might be more going on with your mental health than just being a lone parent. Lots of people parent alone and dont recognise the feelings you describe of not enjoying anything in life. I'm a single parent and know how hard it can be, but it is also extremely enjoyable and rewarding. Maybe you should think about speaking to your GP?

I was a single parent for a long time 8years completely no family support.
What made life a little more enjoyable I think was having things to look forward to, days out, holidays. That side got easier as I progressed work wise.

That said, I do remember how difficult it was when my DD was ill or I was ill with no back up, lonely birthdays, quiet Christmas. Not something I'd wish on anyone else.
I did go onto meet someone and we married. I do look back with some happy memories of those 8 years though.

Is there anything you could change in your life, do you work could you improve work prospects train up in something different, if you can't work do you mix with anyone else in other areas? Not thinking about meeting anyone just being around others can be good for your own wellbeing especially if you are isolated.

regular breaks which isn’t going to happen

hi OP, single parent for 12 years now, no family locally and a useless ex who isn't around. I know how hard it is and empathise. All I can say is, it is a rollercoaster. some months I think things are getting easier then I get back down in the pits again. but it is a bit better now my child is older and at secondary. the loneliness is endless and does a number on your mental health, death by 100000 cuts, the longer it goes on the more it feels eternal! I improve things by focussing on my career and booking little breaks away when I can afford it (cheap ones) to give us something to look forward to and break up the monotony. You need little things to look forwards to if you are able to find them - anything. And enrol on some free courses you can find. Perhaps find an afternoon once a month to do some volunteering, anything where you can be around others. I feel like i lose the will to be social and it makes everything worse, but it's so important to keep trying. Also, therapy. I know it is hard on the NHS to get but please give it a go, even if you only get a few sessions it can help so much.

I’m not a lone parent (my ex has her for 8 hours on a sat with no parenting whatsoever) and I do find it hard that I’m the bad guy that has rules and boundaries. I find it hard to never have a night off and that I have no option of a relationship as I’m tied to the house/my DD. But…it won’t be like this forever, this too will pass and I am very grateful I’m self-sufficient and have my lovely DD.

I'm a widow so it's probably completely unacceptable for me to say that I bloody love being a single parent. But there we are. Your feelings are just as valid as mine.

There are definitely tough bits - we have to carry everything, 24/7, providing everything.

On the other hand, at least we don't have to deal with crappy and needy (or abusive) partners.

Don't look at the social media images of perfect relationships. They aren't real, every relationship has positives and negatives.

I agree about talking to your GP if you are never happy. Even at the most stressful DD made me smile (mostly 😁) and be happy that I was her mum.

Does your child go to any clubs? Scouts for example would give you a bit of time in the evening. Plus they go away for a few nights a couple of times a year.
Sleepovers with friends? Reciprocating sleepovers gives you some nights off. Even just dinner at a yours and then a friend's house one evening a week.

Not at the same time no

He left me so I guess a different situation.

I realise that is very hurtful and difficult to deal with. Was it recent?

I too think there’s more going on here op, you sound so so down. I’m another who loves being a single parent. Can you tell us a bit more about what specifically gets you down and what the ages of your children are?

No it’s been a decade I’m just saying how crap it’s been raising kids solo for a decade with no money or no break.

Same here. Just myself and one DC at home. Am really happy. Sure, money is very tight, and sometimes it can feel a bit much, but I worked really hard a few years ago to adapt my mindset generally to living in the moment more, and to recognise how fortunate I am in a hundred different ways.

I don’t have much (if any!) time without the DC being present (outside of school and work), and I haven’t had a decent shag in a couple of years, but the alternative was much, much worse.

I wonder if the difference is in the fact that I left my ex, rather than him leaving me. He was a feckless cunt and life is infinitely richer and more pleasurable without him stinking up the place.

Edited to add: I’m sorry OP, when it’s bad it feels relentless. Is there any way you can carve out some time to work out what makes you happy?

No break ever, no time to myself, permanently exhausted, no money.

I hear you loud and clear OP. No one who hasn't done it can understand. Solo parenting with no family support is gruelling and sodding relentless. The only thing I can say is it does get better when they get some independence. Mine are 14 now and I have a life at last. I just wanted to say I hear you and am sending a hug 🙂

Yes probably that would be understandable. He left me I didn’t make the choice.

Trying not to say this in a patronising way but, when I’ve been struggling with mental health in the past, one of the big red flags on the assessment questionnaire is not finding pleasure or interest in things day to day. I know it’s an over used assertion on MN but it sounds like you are depressed. (Probably due to how tough you are finding it) Have a chat with your GP, maybe look into a CBT referral. If you contact your local family hub they can often talk through this kind of situation with you (feeling overwhelmed and alone in parenting) and offer practical and emotional support.

To everyone insisting that OP is depressed, are you familiar with situational depression?

Basically she's feeling like crap not because there's anything wrong with her brain chemistry, but because she's in a shit situation. So how she's feeling is just the natural reaction to that.

I am now a grandparent. I was a single parent even when said parent was in the familial home. When I got rid it was hard. Harder than anything, at least if you have a useless human being in your home said useless human can at least keep an eye.

Flying as a solo parent is the hardest job on the world

Please explore support through your GP.

Being a single parent is tough. It probably helps for me that I chose it, so didn't have the hurt and rejection you had. I knew there would have been a huge gap in my life without children, so I went into adoption and single parenthood with my eyes open.

But if you don't find pleasure in anything, I think you might be depressed (medically, not 'feeling a bit low').

Thank you! Honestly just ignoring those suggestions.