My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Putting clothes on to leave the house WITHOUT a big argument and screaming and shouting is now perfect behaviour?

They’re “nice” most of the time because they’re expected to be (politeness, explaining themselves calmly, speaking positively, doing basic chores). Making me a cup of tea and croissant on a random Saturday morning is going above and beyond at their age in our household. And mirrors life- when we do more than than the expected it can mean a promotion at work, going up a set at school etc.

When they’re older, cooking for the family will become an expectation and will no longer be going above and beyond. It may sound transactional but works for us.

I think you need to start doing more "you" things , and when they start there nonsense before you are ready to leave, honestly ignore them, just get ready and stand at the door waiting on them, you might need to pre empt the nonsense and add extra time . They are doing it for a reaction.

I think it's really sad that some people equate good parenting with harsh punishments that don't work anyway. Then they congratulate themselves on it. I agree with @Dannydevitoiloveyourart and also think it's a weird dynamic with the partner about being the breadwinner. OP said it wouldn't be fair to put financial pressure on him for her birthday, but if he doesn't work outside the home then surely all the money OP brings in is family money and is to be used for all birthdays/treats etc of all members of the family? This is the same for all families where only one person does paid employment. That's how it worked for me before I got divorced and I was the breadwinner. Ex had no access to other money so obviously used our joint account for presents. We set budgets and it was more about the time and effort spent by him as strictly speaking I was paying, but obviously him being home was saving us money in other ways, though we split long before my dc were 8 and 10 - does your partner bring in anything, OP?

I also think all the stuff in the OP about spending time on the thinking of activities that will 'enrich' the kids, planning holidays, planning and paying for birthdays very odd. That is just basic parenting and what pretty much everyone does. Under the heading of 'children ruined my birthday,' it's odd and wrong. Children should be able to take for granted that parents want them to be happy and sort holidays and birthdays for them, ffs. Yes, throughout their childhood they should be increasingly empathetic and appreciative, but expecting them to never act out as kids and shutting them in their rooms all evening if they do, leaving you to be resentful about what you do for them is wrong.

And I don't have low standards or awful kids. Mine are 16 and 18 and (mainly!) lovely and hardworking. They forgot to get me anything for mother's day this year (first time it's happened) but came up with their own solution of cooking for me and watching a film of my choice, for example. One thing I have never done is allowed a row to go on overnight. I didn't do sending to rooms really, but once everything had calmed down I don't know why you wouldn't talk to them/have a hug and bit of a debrief and try and salvage the evening.

I am not going to cheer on what is so obviously terrible parenting that is only going to push kids off the rails by the time they are 13,

Parenting that will push the kids off the rails?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 yes loving parents who give them time outs and space to calm down instesd of going out for drinks when they've behaved so badly is really what's pushing them off the 'rails'. Stop being silly lol.

hi OP, belated happy birthday. I totally get it.
problem is we expect kids to behave in a way and put us first on special days but sadly, their brains are not fully wired to do it all the time. there will be meltdowns and bickering and sometimes, it is just their hormones taking over.
as you said, they are usually well behaved so you will have to have a loving talk with them when things are calm and move on. sorry but even though you feel resentful at times, it is ok for things to be messy. please give yourself and them a break.
you are trying your best to raise good little people - it is what matters really.

Completely agree. At this age children should be able to understand that not everything is about them.

OP said they don’t behave like this all the time.

Children are allowed to have an off day, while still learning how to regulate those emotions. I’m not sure how we would expect children to behave perfectly at that age without sometimes getting it wrong. The consequences should therefore be proportionate to the act, with the aim of helping them get those emotions back in control/ understanding how to better regulate themselves next time.

If children think everything is for their entertainment then they will act out if things are not for their entertainment.

The bit that stuck me I saying “your whole life” is around them. It shouldn’t be. Start putting some of that energy into enriching your own life.

Children of 8 & 10 can be looked after by a local teenager.

Next celebration go it for dinner with your DH.

And they should be told firmly at the start of someone’s else’s birthday etc that taking anything away from that day isn’t acceptable

@lurchersforever you’ve inserted your own narrative there. DP does work but earns considerably less than me. I pay ~80% of everything but don’t expect to pay for my own presents. If that means I get less the that’s by the by, I don’t make a fuss of my birthday, but what I do get (such as a quick drink at the pub after a stressful week at work) I expect my very much of an age to understand kids not to shit on.

Twice they have had a “day off” on days which are about their mother.

I think you need to put yourself out there a bit. I am not saying you have to act like some sort of Diva, but saying it is mums birthday on "saturday" what shall we do, i think we need to teach consideration for others rather than expecting it to come naturally.

This is great they are doing this, but, at the time they behaved selfishly and didnt think of the consequences their behaviour had on your bday plans

Exactly. I have a 10 year old. We make a big deal
if special occasions in our house (birthdays, mothers/fathers day, job promotions, sporting achievements etc) so DS gets excited to celebrate occasions which are not about him.

This is what we did, I mean my children were not perfect but not making everything about them helped.

She’s 43 not 63 😆

Of course I agree, but, I think in this instance the punishment could have still happened, but maybe delayed till the day after, in regards to the OP being able to go out and get a glass of wine for her birthday. Not ideal but now OP is feeling shit and had a crap day

No. In my household no one is allowed to have “an off day” that involves hitting another person or throwing glass. Full stop. The time for talking about getting emotions under control and doing work on how to regulate yourself was in preschool. With the exception of some people with severe disabilities, there is no reason or excuse for a ten year old to behave in that way. If your 8 or 10 year old had been hit, screamed at and had a glass thrown by a peer at school you presumably wouldn’t be talking about having a bad day, all kids fight, minor tiffs, the impacts of puberty etc? It’s no more acceptable at home.

Same here. The one time DS did play up on DHs birthday he was sent to his grandparents and we still went out! He never did it again 😂

A sibling argument on a Friday night after school is completely normal off behaviour not targeted at OPs birthday. A two hour tantrum is abnormal behaviour and a direct reflection of OPs discipline.

If OP reinforces that she doesn’t matter by cancelling the event to celebrate her just because they’ve had a sibling spat while tired on a Friday night, then they are never going to learn to put emotions aside to celebrate others. OP’s just teaching them that her life revolves around them and they are always the priority. Why couldn’t they have been told off and had expectations laid down in the car on the way to the pub?

As I’ve said upthread - OP punished herself, and they’ll have learnt that tantrums can get them out of events they’d rather not go to.

Belated Happy Birthday 🎂 op.

My children get a consequence for poor behaviour but we also try to help them learn to emotionally regulate and express frustration constructively.

Anger is a normal human emotion and just like any other we need as children to learn how to express it constructively in a way that doesn't hurt others.

So teach them to count to ten or say I'm walking away as I need space.

Being calm when they are losing it is really important (sometimes I even fail at that).

I vividly remember at about 10 years old having a temper tantrum and being sent to my room, I remember because I really wanted someone to help me calm down and manage my anger and wished I had been shown how.

I’d actually be tempted to book a sitter and go out and enjoy myself…you do deserve nice things for yourself too, doesn’t have to be 100% about them. Might make them want to join in next time / not misbehave like that…

Helicopter parenting?
Everything revolving around their needs does sound extreme.
Are we raising a generation of mini emperors?

I didn't insert my own narrative really, I was just going with the information you gave. I still maintain that your feelings around this are mixed in with some resentment about the balance of responsibilities between you and your partner, which have absolutely nothing to do with your children and are neither their business nor their concern. Whether you are the breadwinner etc has nothing to do with this situation and I have no idea why you mentioned it at all other than, as I said, you are resentful about it. Constantly saying you don't expect much but what you do want you don't want your children to 'ruin' just feels off to me - I highly doubt they wanted to 'shit on' your plans - they acted their age and then the response from you two escalated it all in a way that took up the whole evening. When exactly was the glass thrown?