My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh, come on. They are 10 and 8, not toddlers. They are more than capable of understanding that it's mums' birthday and that it's not appropriate to tantrum, hit each other, smash glass and behave in the way they did.

If they genuinely don't know how to behave on mums' birthday then their parents have let them down spectacularly.

DC are usually happy and easygoing by the sound of it. They might have felt a bit of stress around having to behave in a certain way because of OP’s birthday and not liked the idea of a pub visit. Plus maybe they are at a point where they are winding each other up here and there as kids do, jockeying for position in the family. For kids that age to have a row rather than manage their emotions like adults is entirely normal. Many adults are not great at emotional regulation!

I mean from a young age they never did what they were asked.
Behaved badly and were never removed from a situation where their behaviour spoiled things for others.

Swiped toys from children and were not corrected.
Slapped and grabbed children and were told "gentle hands".
Kicked out and screamed at parents when it was time to leave the park after school.
Kicked up and tantrums when time to leave the party.

Mothers all gentle helpless smiles, useless father ignoring it or not around to help due to work etc.
Parents overwhelmed and afraid to sit on their children.

My children are privately educated and despite a top education, several of these children have dropped out and are still finding their way. They were all bright and well able.
They have lovely, decent, kind parents, who simply appeared unable to lay down the law that their behaviour was not acceptable.
The tough parents don't seem to have such difficulties.
None of these children would have been close friends of mine but they were in their wide circle of friends.
I am not suggesting for a minute my children haven't had their moments, tHAVE absolutely HAVE.
However, they are very aware of the line and how I as their mother am not to be trifled with.
They knew that from a very early age.
We all always knew where we stood.
Their father is definitely softer than I am, as is often the case.

@chattychatchatty

“They might have felt a bit of stress around having to behave in a certain way because of OP’s birthday and not liked the idea of a pub visit.”

stress?? Because they had to behave normally and not throw a tantrum and smash glass?!

And re pub visit , all they have to do is sit in a pub, and probably drink a glass of coke and have a bag of crisps or whatever, hardly demanding and arduous especially for children of those ages!

Im sorry you had such a bad birthday. I do sympathise but
I don't think you should miss out because of this. Indeed you should make a point (even if you don't really feel like it) Have a celebration at the weekend (regardless of whether this rewards the children - you need to reward yourself and they need to see what they were missing out on and what their behaviour denied you and that this is what needs to happen next year- I think this would be quite healing for all of you.

A few things jumped out at me from your post. I'm not mentioning them to criticise you so bear with. You also hadn't thought about it, or said much about it and didn't ask for anything, you never really celebrate it - which you must admit didn't set any expectations or traditions to meet but naturally it's left you feeling unappreciated. but in a sense that scenario sets them up to fail.

Yet because you do such a lot of the load lifting you thought it was up to the rest of them to do something, even if you didn't consciously think that and tired and hungry, you were really disappointed which is only natural. I've no idea why your DC kicked off, except perhaps they were aware that something was wrong.

Your partner earns less, but did get you some nice gifts and you were going to go out, but then. And he took charge of them because it was your birthday (all positives)

Your kids are still primary. they are not mind readers. Things appear to them to just get organised in your house... they haven't been given a role in this.

So abandon start a new tradition that everybody's birthdays and special days matter. That all of the rest of the family need to plan it and organise it.
A nice Calendar, with everyone's birthdays, Grandparents. Term dates etc.. so the DC can see them,. They can colour in.. and point out when its 3 weeks to go.

Remind them that this is what YOU currently do for them ?
Your kids need to be given a budget for card/present and a chance to shop. Get the girls involved in each other's birthdays.
Also... plan a family celebration for something non individual related, eg end of term or something and get the girls to help organise/plan it... so they can see what it involves and you can all experience the enjoyment of it together.

Aside from that, its clear you've spoken to them about their behaviour and dealt with it but I think when things have calmed down, take them out one on one and speak to them again about it.
Let them tell you why they behaved like that. Let them tell you how they think it would make you feel? Would they like you to do that on their birthdays? At Christmas? Etc. Ask them if this is how they want the family to be, or can they suggest a better way to do things? They were basically making the day all about them and their fights.... I'm sure you know what to say.

I hope you can re launch your birthday and have a better time at the weekend.

Why are you both the breadwinner and the default organiser when you live with your partner and he is the father of your children?

Are your children young carers for their dad?

Do they have any appreciation of how much you do. If not I’d suggest that they are not doing anything close to enough chores. And if you don’t rectify it now you’ll have made an absolute rod for your own back and anyone else who has to live with them.
As kids age they are less and less inclined to help. Time was always in short supply so if my kids needed more of my time they had to make more of my time available by picking up tasks and chores.

I think that’s fair for you to feel sorry for yourself. If they aren’t SEN a talk when they are calm about how they made you feel sad would not go amiss. They are old enough to appreciate not everything is about them although they are still young. Personally I would have got myself a takeaway, a glass of wine and Netflix and let your husband deal with them.

This.^
Mine are older now but when they were little, repercussions for bad behaviour were immediate but every days a new day, we never carried anything over into the following day.

Agree with this and make sure they know where you're going, if it can be somewhere they really like so much the better!

I always found my children behaved appallingly on birthdays that weren’t their own. Something about you daring to focus on yourself for once. I used to take myself off on my birthday and leave someone else to deal with them.

I think you need to get your partner and children more involved in organising celebration days. Interesting that Mother’s Day and your birthday are the ones they kick off at. What about other family celebrations? Next year I would be lining up an evening out with a friend instead and raise your expectations and make it clear they can step up. If you take on everything dont be surprised when they fail to step up. They aren’t used to it. Hope your weekend goes ok.

I’m sorry your birthday was a bit shit @Fluffalumpper. I hope your children have apologised this morning and realise how shitty their behaviour was.
I think you all need to sit down and talk this through. Especially that people don’t respect you on your birthdays and Mother’s Day.
Hopefully today will be better.

Am going to assume you wanted this to be on a Friday because your birthday's on a Friday?

If so, why couldn't it have been on the weekend? Your daughters wouldn't have been tired from being at school all day

I don’t disagree. But that’s OPs choice to sulk, and supports the fact that it’s then manipulative to turn around and blame the kids for ruining her birthday.

Stress over a pub visit? Come on, it’s not a stressful event and kids that age should be able to cope with a drink in a local pub even if they are a bit tired from school.

Look, it was a Friday evening and kids this age are really tired after a week of school etc especially as a PP said a couple of weeks into the new term.

Try to reset this evening perhaps?

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart

but they did ruin it!

never mind, I’m sure OP will use a great day today 🍹

I potentially could have had. My eldest was born when I was 16 so if they had also had a child at 16 I could have been grandmother to an eleven year old at 43. Thank god they didn't!

It being her birthday doesn’t magically transform the kids into the parents and OP into a child. Her children misbehaved, as kids do, and OP chose to deal with it in a less than ideal way. She was still the parent and she had a choice to parent in that moment and teach her children that her birthday matters, and they must behave and celebrate her, regardless of their earlier behaviour. She chose otherwise, which is her prerogative but not the kids’ fault.

If OP decided to cancel her child’s birthday event because their sibling threw a tantrum, you would hardly say the misbehaving sibling ruined the birthday - you would rightly acknowledge that OP’s overreaction to their childish behaviour ruined the birthday. This is no different.

Sometimes kids act out/misbehave more on days which are special occasions or holidays because things are different to the ordinary they are used to. My kids will be super nice on these occasions and put a lot of effort/energy into it but always tip them over into meltdown later on. Nonetheless it still needs to be addressed

Who’s to say they wouldn’t find it stressful?

I don’t understand why the first priority wasn’t getting the kids fed rather than going out for a drink? Friday night after a week at school is a massive flashpoint for my kids, no way I’d do anything without getting their blood sugar regulated first.
also ‘writing an apology card *without prompting’ sounds kind of ominous to me. I don’t know why, I can’t put my finger on it but is this a way you deal with things in your house? Written apologies with or without prompting?
i don’t know why but this sort of thing always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, like kids who are parentified or made to grow up before their time. Surely your multiple two day punishment plus starving yourself and being sad is enough for them at their age without feeling led to go off to write an apology too .
A big cuddle and a chat would be better and repair by making new plans or reframing the next day plans.
when I see kids who write heartfelt and emotional cards to their parents it often feels like they’re overburdened and overwhelmed by trying to make the adult feel better (purely my perspective)

Again, not to invite criticism of him (and I have already had a word with him about this) but there was no dinner in the house. Late in the day he decided we’d get something to bring home after the drink in the pub. Not ideal but is what it is.

The girls had egg on toast.

What exactly is stressful about going out for a drink and some crisps with your parents?