My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s much of a muchness. I don’t think you or the kids handled the situation perfectly but that’s normal and I’m sure you’ll find your own way to get to the family equilibrium you’re happy with.

I do hope you have a better time for your birthday today. Hopefully you can all move on from yesterday.

Because they behaved like brats.

Because they did the same bratty behaviour on Mother’s Day as they did on the OP’s birthday.

You didn’t have to cancel that was a choice you made.

Eh? You directly said "shit on" in your post, referring to your kids shitting on your birthday plans. Which is manipulative, ridiculously self-centred, and over the top. They had a tiff with each other.

Really? I'm advocating for being an emotionally supportive, non-manipulative parent. What the other poster suggested was child abuse. Are you mixing up me and the other poster when you're referring to anger?

I don't like the word 'brats' either, and I also don't think we know enough about their actual behaviour to make a judgement on it. It's quite vague - one minute they were getting ready, then shouting at each other, then whipped to their bedrooms and shouting/screaming continued for two hours? At some point they were released for a quick dinner - what was their behaviour like at that point I wonder? Then back to rooms. At some point a glass was thrown and at some point one of them said it was the worst night, which seems to have been quoted here as an example of how awful they were for some reason. I wonder exactly what triggered it all and when it really started to escalate.

And OP, you saying they shat on your plans smacks of resentment and blame, and I think that's what the PP was commenting on. I don't think anyone thought you were saying they had literally shat on you.

OP I sympathise as my kids seemed to act worse on days that were more “special” to me like my birthday and Mother’s Day. I think you did well to make them realise it really wasn’t ok to behave the way they did.

the only bit I don’t understand is, if you weren’t planning to eat at the pub and weren’t getting a takeaway, why did you end up not eating and your partner just ate toast? Why didn’t you just eat whatever you had planned to eat anyway? I’m a bit of a martyr but DP and I would have just watched a film together and had some wine or whatever with the food we had planned. Did the kids eat?

sorry if I missed it and you already answered this.

I mean, if they were continuing to shout and tantrum during the meal, then I don't see how it can have been quick? Quick dinner makes me think of a sullen meal where they had calmed down but no one was saying anything and it was a shit atmosphere and they were straight back to their rooms afterwards. Childhood is so short. My ds is off to university next week - it seems like 5 minutes ago he was starting school. OP, I hope you have a lovely weekend and don't let last night spoil the whole thing by cancelling activities you could all enjoy.

DC have acted out on the two days that were meant to be special for OP; perhaps they feel there is an expectation about their behaviour on such days which they don’t know how to meet; or they don’t like the focus not being on them. The latter is understandable as they usually do come first, by the sound of it (as they should), so, consiously or subconsciously, they’re making a scene to be centre stage again. Plus after a long week at school, pressures of new class, dynamics, homework etc the idea of sitting in a pub “making an effort for Mum” when they’re drained probably doesn’t appeal.

Are DC selfish for not being able to pull it together and make the effort, or is OP expecting a bit much of them? Would a takeaway together at home with a game or a film and a supermarket birthday cake for OP have been a more appropriate/achievable plan?

@WallTree

youre talking nonsense. The ten year old threw a glass vase. She could have done real damage. That’s not just a “tiff”. She is way too old to be behaving like that.

Unless of course it something enriching for them ? They are old enough to behave,

I think that being sent to your room after school for an entire night with only a short break for dinner is harsh yes and obviously was completely ineffective given that things continued to escalate into a 2 hr tantrum which is as distressing for the kids as much as the parents.

I believe in firm boundaries and discipline and appropriate consequences while also trying to understand why my child is behaving in a particular way - this is what gentle parenting is by the way, that's really not the insult you think it is when it's done properly and not used as a cop out to avoid discipline. If that makes me a 'wishy washy there there' parent then that's fine by me.

Personally I think an end of the week trip out on a Friday night at the end of one of the first weeks back to school can be too much for a lot of children and I think things could have been better thought out and planned to set them up for success. Sometimes it's better to push through and get them out of the house after a stern word to disrupt what's happening.

What I would have done was nipped it in the bud immediately and firmly and if they weren't prepared to get ready then they'd have been put in the car as they were and lost a privilege over the weekend like screen time or similar and a firm conversation would have been had about expectations in a calm way. They'd have been told to apologise to the birthday parent immediately. Absolutely nowhere did I say there shouldn't be a consequence for their behaviour.

@chattychatchatty

“DC have acted out on the two days that were meant to be special for OP; perhaps they feel there is an expectation about their behaviour on such days which they don’t know how to meet; or they don’t like the focus not being on them. The latter is understandable as they usually do come first, by the sound of it (as they should), so, consiously or subconsciously, they’re making a scene to be centre stage again. Plus after a long week at school, pressures of new class, dynamics, homework etc the idea of sitting in a pub “making an effort for Mum” when they’re drained probably doesn’t appeal.”

what’s the solution then? Make every single day 24/7 7 days a week 52 weeks in a year all about them and what they like and make them the central focus? They’re gonna have a real shock when they get older aren’t they when they learn that other people matter too and that the world doesn’t just revolve around them. It’s doing children a disservice to not teach them that other people’s wants and important too and that sometimes someone else’s preferences are at the forefront e.g their mother’s on her birthday.

But that’s after OP cancelled the plans. It’s not the throwing vase that caused OP to cancel her bday plans - it’s because they had a sibling argument after school. I think that’s what the posters getting at- it’s a bit manipulative of OP to suggest the kids ruined her plans when she was the one that took the plans off the table as a purported punishment for their argument, which then led to further escalation of their behaviours / full blown tantrums.

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart

dont care. Nothing justifies ten year old throwing a glass vase.

Oops I have re read and can see the kids did eat dinner. I’m guessing you didn’t want to eat with them as you were cross with them and then just lost your appetite. I think I’d have still eaten with DP once they were back upstairs but everyone’s different.

The poster wasn’t justifying that, and neither was I. We were responding to the OP’s assertion that her kids have ruined her plans, when she is the one that cancelled her plans rather than dealing with their behaviour appropriately while still maintaining those plans. It’s manipulative and ineffective, and reinforces to her children that her birthday doesn’t matter.

So sorry your birthday was spoiled OP. Happy belated birthday, in our House we have a birthday weekend/couple of days, so that there isn't so much focus on just one day.
Please get your treats and celebrate another day, hopefully your partner can have a word with dcs about the importance of doing things for others. Even a take away when the dcs are in bed and some cake if all else fails; the world does not revolve around them. I have had to recently remind one of my dc this, and it helped. Make sure they see you treating yourself and letting them know grown up's needs matter too; we are all human beings.💐🎂

Oh and just because you're 43 does not mean you cannot get some treats!

@MindaBelinda

lots of people lose their appetite when they’re angry, sad, etc (as OP was justifiably feeling) - why force something down your neck if you don’t want it??

I was wondering this. What were you going to eat and why go to bed hungry on your birthday

sounds like the kids act up when it’s not about them ie Mother’s Day and your birthday

what are they like on partner /dads birthday

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart

🤷‍♀️ maybe she didn’t want to go out with them when they were behaving in such an argumentative and tantrum throwing way. Maybe she decided it would be too much hassle and not enjoyable for her, so she cancelled in favour of having a nice day to herself today without them? Hopefully she has a great shopping trip/massage/cocktails to celebrate her birthday properly - hopefully all three! 🍾

@Blondeshavemorefun

because she probably wasn’t hungry anymore after such a shitty and disappointing day. lots of people lose their appetite when they’re angry, sad, etc (as OP was justifiably feeling) - why force something down your neck if you don’t want it??

Absolutely this. If some posts on here are indicative of pps' parenting then it's no wonder there are so many feral brats around.

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

Bloody hell OP. Why don't you just shit on your self-worth some more? I am several some years older than you and I still expect to have my birthday noted and the people who love me to recognise it and do nice things, just as I do in return for them.

It is one single day a year, it's not expecting to live like the Queen of Sheba permanently.

Who could possibly disagree with this??