My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP I’m so sorry you had a crappy birthday, I hope you can turn things around today. Honestly I think you should go do something nice today but make it clear to the DC it’s not for them it’s for you.

If that means I get less the that’s by the by, I don’t make a fuss of my birthday

But don't you see that that's part of the problem @Fluffalumpper?

Part of being a parent is teaching your children that other people matter and sometimes their needs and wants come first. They need to learn that your birthday DOES deserve fuss, presents and attention. That's how they learn to appreciate other people and focus on them.

They didn’t start off throwing things. They started off having a physical and verbal sibling fight. Their behaviour escalated due to OP and her partners handling of the situation.

And if they haven’t learn to get their emotions under control as preschoolers whose fault is that? It doesn’t mean emotional regulation should now be ignored, it means that OP should prioritise teaching them this before they become too old to learn.

If my 8 and 10 year old had been hit/ screamed at by another child at school, I would expect them to sort it themselves. They won’t tolerate being treated by a peer like that. I think it’s unhelpful to bubble wrap kids by getting involved in every argument with their peers. If it becomes bullying rather than a one-off incident / another child’s “off” day, then that’s different.

I allowed DS to become spoilt and behave just like this and eventually had to put my foot down and give him a lot of hard life lessons. After some particularly awful behaviour I started to make him have to earn all nice trips and gifts with good behaviour and chores.
He soon stopped acting out.
Don't let them take nice things for granted. This is the result. The adults run the show not the kids. It was a salutory lesson for me.

As this behaviour has happened previously on Mothers Day I’d be tempted to avoid any plans for their birthdays, there’d be no parties, no sleepovers, no special events and the very moment they asked why I would throw one almighty tantrum, slam doors, kick off ……… and let them see how very silly and selfish they both are……a taste of their own medicine I guess.
Their behaviour in totally unacceptable and the longer you and DH allow it the longer it will continue. Be the parents now otherwise forever be held to ransom by these children

Ridiculous 'advice' from @MyDeftDuck .

Except OP was the one that cancelled the plans and held herself to ransom, not them.

Have you ever cancelled one child’s birthday celebration because your other other child decided to have a tantrum? I imagine not, because that would be ridiculous and punish the birthday child for their sibling’s behaviour.

Yet you think the kids should get further punishments because OP for some reason decided to cancel the plans? You think the kids should witness their mother behaving like a child on their birthday, simply because her own birthday was ruined by the punishment she chose to impose on her kids.

No wonder so many people need therapy as adults to learn the emotional regulation they should have been taught as a child - when parents masquerade emotional dysfunction as discipline, it must be really damaging.

I think they have behaved badly yes.However I wouldnt let it spoil a birthday treat .They apologise and move on .Often they are overtired and yes a little spoilt( whose arent!) School is tiring and kids get burnt out .Try to move past it and enjoy your Birthday Weekend, They are still young .My friend says Birthdays are just another day .Try and relax and have a nice day out.

Do you honestly think that if OP went “oh well, never mind” , the girls would’ve instantly forgot their argument, got ready and be perfectly civil in the pub?

🥱

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Mature- explains your parenting advice 😅

I dont know how that was said to you but obviously it didnt work for you.

My DH's family were and still are very close. They werent broken by learning that they were not the centre of the known universe and that sometimes their behaviour had made them unlikeable for a short while.

My own DCs have grown up knowing they are always loved but that sometimes their behaviour can mean that just a muttered 'sorry' isnt enough. They are going to have to work through a short period of time not being liked. Obviously this is done in an age appropriate way.

Home/family should not be a consequence-free space. Yes, children should be loved and feel safe but safe includes learning about there being limits and consequences.

@FiatLuxAdAstra

you are so right, this all boiled down to OP wanting a drink at the pub. She sounds like a selfish alcoholic doesn’t she? Everyone knows that when you become a mother you have to stop doing frivolous stuff like going to the pub and having a glass of wine, in fact you shouldnt do anything for yourself ever again, it should all be about the kids and what they like. That’s just being a decent mother.

🙄

Yes. They sound like absolute brats.

@NotbloodyGivingupYet

What’s wrong with going out by oneself?

sounds way better than going out with two arguing, tantrum- throwing kids!

OP can take herself into town, browse the shops, treat herself, have a cocktail or two 🍹

the day can be all about her and what she wants to make up for the shitty day yesterday

Why do people call other kids brats? They sound like normal children whose behaviour escalated because a situation wasn’t handled well. OP said yesterday they don’t normally behave like that, and has updated this morning that they’re feeling apologetic.

They’re not perfect kids and OP’s not a perfect parent but that doesn’t make them brats, in the same way it doesn’t make OP a bad mum. Just means they all had a bad day (which happens) and need to adjust/ pivot behaviours, expectations and discipline methods as a family.

I’d plan a lovely evening at home tonight to make up for it. Get them to bed promptly, have something nice to eat, watch a film, have a few drinks and don’t let them interrupt.

Yes - great idea by your partner, off to the spa you go for a nice peaceful time!!!! Or whatever you like doing if not spa - related! Forget about this disappointment and take time for yourself xx

Jesus Christ, you 8 and 10 year old haven't "shit on" you. They had a spat between themselves. These happen between siblings occasionally. You are unbelievable self-centred.

@WallTree no mention of children shitting on me was made. Don’t be so silly.

Jesus fucking Christ. Do not do this, OP. Awful.

@WallTree I won’t be doing this, but not on your advice. You seem like a very angry person.

To be fair you implied this in a previous post: “I don’t make a fuss of my birthday, but what I do get (such as a quick drink at the pub after a stressful week at work) I expect my very much of an age to understand kids not to shit on”

And again, I didn’t say they shat “on me”.