AIBU to be in pieces at my baby starting school

[mumofnearlyschoolchild]

First off, I just want to say I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have a healthy daughter, lucky to be pregnant again, lucky to have help. I really do appreciate it all. But I’d also love to hear from other parents who’ve felt the same way I’m feeling right now, and how you managed it.

My little girl is nearly 4 and will be starting school in September 2026. I’m also pregnant with a little boy who’s due in the next couple of months. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born and I’ve honestly loved it. We’ve had the best time together - always out and about in parks, zoos, museums, doing fun things. During term time we take little trips, just the two of us: Disneyland, visiting my parents abroad, UK staycations when it’s quieter. It hasn’t been easy every single second, but overall I’ve absolutely adored it.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing away that first year or so when she was tiny and not really interactive yet, but now here we are: she’s almost 4. Soon she’ll be at school and I’ll only get her for a few hours after 3–4pm and in the holidays. Yes, I’ll have her little brother at home, and I know he’ll bring so much joy… but it won’t be her. It feels like the end of an era with her, and that makes me really emotional. There’s also a part of me that wonders how exactly I’ll climb around at the adventure playgrounds or take trips to Disneyland when I also have a little baby but that’s perhaps another story, or perhaps part of the overall guilty at losing the stage with her.

She’s never been a nursery fan. We tried at 2 and again at 3, but she hated it both times, so she’s just been home with me. And maybe part of why I feel this way is cultural, because where I’m from children don’t usually start school until later. To me, 4.5 still feels so little. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing so much time with her, that she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope when it was your child’s turn to start school?

This is about her not you.
She will still he playing and exploring and widening her world for the better.

For what it’s worth, I adore the school holidays and often am sad when they return. But that’s just real life. And school offers many many opportunities for growth.

You are being slightly unreasonable.

Firstly, Reception is more like nursery in other countries... its play based education. They will spend most of the time playing, doing crafts, running around etc. Its not sitting in rows with books.
Secondly .. your job as a parent is to make them independent of you. You need to let them grow.
Thirdly... you don't have to send her if you really don't want to. You just gave to provide them with suitable education. So you could home educate for a while if you really wanted to.

It’s a year from now. A huge chunk of time on her life. Reframe your own feelings and look at what your daughter needs and wants. This is great for her to grow up, gain some independence from her mum, new friends and experiences. New knowledge. She will look to you right now for how she develops. Let her see how good it will be to be more grown up and how much fun she will have. I honestly cannot relate to your feelings so I’m trying very hard to be considerate but I think you are wildly unreasonable. Partly because it’s a whole year away. Partly because all these feelings will spill out of you unknowingly and that’s hugely unfair to your child’s normal development. Try to see the benefits for your daughter and be glad she’s getting these opportunities for growth.

Why don’t you homeschool her with lessons at Disneyland?

As she gets older she needs the opportunity to interact, and learn from, more people. It sounds like she basically spends every waking hour just with you, which makes sense in the earliest years but soon she'll be learning to read and write and develop her own opinions. She needs to do that with more than just one input.

she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood.
She won't, she'll still be spending loads of that time playing and exploring and making new friends and expanding her world.

Also, op, you should predict you'll get a lot of snippy replies from name dropping Disney land and other indicators of wealth. Just so unnecessary to do that. You must know most of us can't afford that

It's a year away so not sure why you're in bits now and she's not a baby anymore she'll be nearly 5 before she goes. If she has struggled going to nursery you might want to think about trying that again before school, much worse to have her struggle to go to school when it's mandatory, nursery will often let you do graduated start and increase her hours.

I think this is why it is important to have a purpose / hobbies / interests / work outside of your children.

An inevitable part of them growing up is independence from you.

You should also work on her spending time with children her own age and independently from you - the transition to school at 4 will be more difficult for her if not exposed to some more group-setting preschool.

Being rich doesn’t mean you automatically have a good life.

This post reeks of privilege.

I think it will change somewhat when you have baby no 2 to look after. Currently ALL your focus is on her, but soon it will be split and that will allow a certain degree of independence for her and you.
While it's lovely that you have had such a great time, it might really benefit your dd to go to a preschool or similar for at least a few mornings a week, otherwise school will be a huge adjustment, and be harder for her and unless you are able to homeschool (unrealistic with a small baby) she WILL be going away from you in a year's time.
Mine all did mornings only which allowed them to adjust but still have time with me. Now my DGS has just started school at 4.5 (and has a 7 month old sister) . He was home til 3.4, went to preschool and adjusted quickly and literally bounced through the doors on his first day of school. Yes we (I was looking after him too) miss him, but his happiness at big school more than makes up for it.

It's not all about you,.. it should be about preparing her for the next step. SHE will have fun.. Reception year is all about learning through play, developing friendships and independence skills. You have 13 weeks school holidays for your trips out etc!!
Stop moping a year in advance and prepare her and yourself for the next step... it's wonderful watching them blosson at school but if she's totally unprepared it will be harder for you both.,

Also in the kindest way possible, get a grip. You sound dependent on your poor daughter.

I appreciate that this answer is coming from a different perspective (teacher), but I hope you find it an interesting one.

Please look at your own anxiety in this. Your child is happy, ready for school and will enjoy her next stage. Life is full of next stages.

I’m in charge of transition from primary to secondary. In the past, it was accepted that this was a normal life stage with equal parts excitement and nervousness. Parents accepted that children would have good bits and blips, and feel worried about how big it was/getting lost/not being able to do the work.

Now, my inbox is flooded with ‘my child has anxiety’, which I read every single time as ‘I have anxiety’. We are always on hand to help, we will sort out problems and misunderstandings, we will smile and chat, but we cannot solve parental high anxiety. It is compounded by WhatsApp groups and snowplough parenting - parents try to solve every single problem before it has even happened.

Lots of the staff at your DD’s primary will have seen generations of new children; place your trust in them and enjoy the things that your DD is going to learn and the friends she will make.

She doesn't have to be in school until term after she turns 5. Why not homeschool her and decide from there. Look up local home Ed groups

I also think she should try a preschool setting. It is very rare in my opinion for a child not to have experienced preschool, a childminder or nursery before school and she might find it very hard to adjust. We had one child in my daughter’s class like this and she had to do half days for months, she just couldn’t cope and didn’t have a clue what was going on. This is why we all get 15 free hours childcare, regardless of income. I would find a preschool near your chosen school where most of the children will come from in her year R class and see if you can encourage her to go a few mornings a week at least so she is used to being with other children without you and doing all the basics like story time, eating lunch together etc (I’m a fellow SAHM too and found it so hard when mine went to school as well) Also, I agree with other posters, she might really enjoy it! It’s wonderful hearing when they’ve had a great day, done fun things, made friends, been invited to a bday party etc. all part of them being happy and more independent and learning, as hard as it is especially when you have a summer baby

Learning how to be away from their parents is a key part of growing up. It’s the first steps towards independence.

Please don’t let your anxieties hold her back. Early years settings are built around play and exploring, staff go out of their way to get those opportunities built into every day for the children.

Wait til baby 2 arrives. You'll have less time for her then for sure, it will be absolutely necessary to split your time between 2 people that you love with completely different needs.

I'd focus on how you plan to deal with that and how you plan to support your child through the next months, she'll have to get through 2 significant milestones of starting full time school and welcoming a new sibling.

Its also great that baby 2 will get a lot of your undivided attention while DD is at school.

All milestones of them growing independently away from you are bittersweet. You'll get used to it- even appreciate it in a weird way.

I haven't voted but I wonder if some of this is guilt at having your second DC? I felt so guilty & worried when pregnant towards my first DC but it was all immediately fine when second baby arrived.

You do have options - home school? Although honestly, it is a nice time to start school at that age - they make friends and learn a lot about social situations and how to behave/share etc. It gives them some independence too.

Cherish the time you have left as it's ages away yet.

Give them roots then give them wings.

To an extent I understand, but I also really don’t. We don’t have children to have a 24/7 companion for life, we have children to have the privilege of helping them grow and mature and find out who they want to be and what their place will be in the world.

Yes, there is a sadness when they go to school, it’s a huge milestone and suddenly they have a whole section of their life that you’re not in.

Choose a good school which doesn’t have reception at desks, and it’s all about exploring and developing. Plenty of them exist, my son is only just starting to have to sit at a desk in year 3. It’s a whole year away, and by then she will need those relationships with other children, that’s part of growing up too.

Did she really hate nursery or did you whip her out before she had a chance to settle in properly? I think by the time she starts school you’ll be grateful of having a bit of the day back to deal with just the baby. But I also think unless you have been making sure your DD has attended regular activities with DC her own age she might struggle in a class setting so prepare yourself for that.

I was going to say this. My son hates nursery for the first few months. By the time it came to school, he had to be dragged away from nursery! He loved it.

OP you have weekends, school holidays, inset days, evenings etc. Enjoy the time with your son. Do you work?

There is no need for her not to start school this is the mothers issues not the child’s. There is nothing in the post that indicates that the child will have any issues starting school.

Reception is play based, so she will still be playing and exploring the world. She’s not going to be sat at an individual desk writing down her times tables. She will also be expanding her horizons, making friends and learning to interact with peers.
School holidays are actually quite long, and you also have every day after 3 and weekends. Children actually spend far more time at home with you than they do at school.
You can always home educate if you wish.

You still have another year with her. I think this level of dependence on your daughter goes beyond love and care. It’s as if you are a child who desperately needs her. I think you should go to therapy to think about this, for her sake as well as yours.

It’s normal to feel some bittersweet emotions as they grow up, but perhaps not this level of grief. Your daughter is her own person, not your companion. As others have said, some pre-school would be really beneficial before she starts school, otherwise it will be very hard.

You don’t have to send her to school, you can home school if you want. But kids grow up and don’t need to be with their parents 24-7. My kids are grown now and only 1 of 3 left at home and she will be 18 soon. Yes you can be sad about it, but it’s the natural order of things, and reason some women have baby after baby.