AIBU to be in pieces at my baby starting school

[mumofnearlyschoolchild]

First off, I just want to say I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have a healthy daughter, lucky to be pregnant again, lucky to have help. I really do appreciate it all. But I’d also love to hear from other parents who’ve felt the same way I’m feeling right now, and how you managed it.

My little girl is nearly 4 and will be starting school in September 2026. I’m also pregnant with a little boy who’s due in the next couple of months. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born and I’ve honestly loved it. We’ve had the best time together - always out and about in parks, zoos, museums, doing fun things. During term time we take little trips, just the two of us: Disneyland, visiting my parents abroad, UK staycations when it’s quieter. It hasn’t been easy every single second, but overall I’ve absolutely adored it.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing away that first year or so when she was tiny and not really interactive yet, but now here we are: she’s almost 4. Soon she’ll be at school and I’ll only get her for a few hours after 3–4pm and in the holidays. Yes, I’ll have her little brother at home, and I know he’ll bring so much joy… but it won’t be her. It feels like the end of an era with her, and that makes me really emotional. There’s also a part of me that wonders how exactly I’ll climb around at the adventure playgrounds or take trips to Disneyland when I also have a little baby but that’s perhaps another story, or perhaps part of the overall guilty at losing the stage with her.

She’s never been a nursery fan. We tried at 2 and again at 3, but she hated it both times, so she’s just been home with me. And maybe part of why I feel this way is cultural, because where I’m from children don’t usually start school until later. To me, 4.5 still feels so little. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing so much time with her, that she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope when it was your child’s turn to start school?

Can you homeschool? I highly recommend! I agree 4 is too young to spend all those hours in 4 walls.

I don't think not wanting to be separated from your child is a healthy reason to home school.

I know.
My point is that if she is so anti school, she is not forced to send her. She is legally obligated to provide her child with an education, not to send her to school.

I fully agree with you, but if OP is this upset and unable to see this view then she’s got 2 choices, get on with it and send her to school or home school.

I’ve just sent my son to nursery at 2.5 years old, don’t get me wrong I was sad on the first couple of days but I know how much it will benefit him

Lovely to hear you have a great bond with your DD but it sounds like you have more of an issue than your DD, however this might improve once you have another child.
To prepare yourself for the separation next year you should consider sending her to a preschool this year for a few hours a week. This would help her socialise and seperate a little from you. She will struggle when she goes to school otherwise, she will have confidence issues and will struggle integrating compared to kids who have been to a nursery or preschool beforehand. It’s crazy to think “she’s never been a nursery fan”, this is purely you. Kids take time to settle into in new environments and you removed her from this opportunity.

Mmmhmm, but it sounds like her child's home schooling would consist of doing whatever she feels like, whenever she feels like it, and nothing she doesn't feel like doing. And her routine would most likely be dictated by her baby brother's nap schedule.

If you are going to home school you need a curriculum and a routine, two things the OP doesn't seem to like the idea of.

@GrassisredNo, absolutely not my intention. My daughter and I do have a lovely bond, but I’m sure plenty of other parents have just as strong a bond with their kids too. I just think this setup has really suited her and her personality. In the same way, I’m sure some children are much more suited to nursery, or they get a whole day per week of invaluable time with grandparents, or other arrangements, if that’s what works best for them.

I'm actually struggling to believe this is real. What if your child wants to go on the swings before school's 'what about vitamin D in June'

Come on, get a grip.

I was very anxious about my son starting school because he’s late summer born.

The reality was that reception was a lot of free play - either an outdoor digging area, a sand pit, a climbing wall, a slide and so on. Then Y1 was more structured learning, but still with plenty of free play. Then y2 was largely structured learning. So really they didn’t start doing full time structured seating learning until they were 6+.

My son has thrived throughout, but what really took me by surprise was that he thrived more as more structured learning was introduced - and he wasn’t the only one. He absolutely loves to learn and so do a lot of other children. He was delighted with every new skill he developed and every new bit of knowledge he acquired. Children are naturally curious annd thirsty for knowledge and lots of them really love to learn.

At this age it is very easy to keep up with school kids while also having time to doing all the fun things. An hour or two a day of 1:1 structured learning is better than 6 hours in a class of 30.

Not sure why you've got so many insane responses here. You are right, 4.5 is tiny and early education should be play-based for the first few years. Mine never settled well at nursery either but I would gently recommend you try her in the school nursery if there is one, it would be good for her to make some friends with her potential classmates.

YANBU to be sad, it is the end of that era of your life and hers, and I'm sorry to say the years seem to fly by once they start school. She will be fine though, she is just growing up. Enjoy this year at home with her and your baby.

Yes you are lucky and unlikely a true representation of the rest of the parenting population. She won’t be “sat in a classroom” On the contrary, she will be learning to interact with her peers and developing social skills.

Maybe in a purely academic sense, but it's not just about what you learn, it's about how you learn. And that includes learning to function as a member of society, and accept that the world doesn't revolve around you.

My mum used to do private tuition and a home schooling family tried to hire her to teach her subject, which they couldn't teach, to their home schooled children.

After a few weeks she said she couldn't do it.

The child who had gone to infant school and then been home schooled since the age of 8 was at least vaguely capable of listening to instructions and doing as he was told. The younger child who had always been home schooled was completely feral and wouldn't even sit on a chair for five minutes.

Of course she has a choice!! She can homeschool! It’s absolutely about choice…and it sounds like the OP really needs to homeschool, as she’ll be a fucking nightmare parent if she enrols her precious ‘baby’ into the state education system!!

There's a debate to be had about whether children start school too young and obviously free play and fresh air are beneficial.

But what's slightly concerning about your posts OP is that you seem to be really anxious about the idea that your child is no longer a baby and that she is growing up. You seem to be wanting to keep her in a state of perpetual babyhood.

She will not be able to live in an idyllic world where she can chase butterflies and scramble up rocks for the rest of her life. The reality is we all have to inch towards understanding how to function as part of a society, learning how what we do impacts others and how to manage our relationship with the world around us.

Primary school is an exceptionally gentle way to begin that journey: reception children are subject to very little pressure (other than to observe basic social codes and to turn up). Over time, it's a nice ramp into learning all the things we need to learn as functioning adults.

Yes possibly she's too young now and maybe waiting six months would help. But at some point you will need to make peace with the fact that she needs to grow up. It seems to be primarily your anxiety about this which is the issue and I would speculate that that's in part why she struggled with nursery.

I would try to tackle this now: because at some point she will need to deal with these things, and it will be much harder to do so if you've convinced her that school is an unpleasant, unnecessary and frightening institution.

Yes but that's exactly why her child would benefit from being in mainstream school.

@NoisyLittleOtterthat’s what we were planning to do. Are they not as strict with term time hols?

My child will be going to school when she’s older. For now she is learning a lot about functioning in the society by actually being in it and interacting with lots of different people, not a class full of only kids her age. That’s not natural as much as the societal norms are making out it is. I’ve noticed she is also a lot more confident and outgoing than some other kids similar age that we encounter. Many studies show that other countries, where kids don’t start formal education until much later, do better educational outcomes wise.

This. The DD will very likely thrive when she learns that school isn’t a terrifying place which robs you of your freedom.

Honestly OP, I think you should home ed. When my eldest was 5, I had a 2 year old and a newborn, and it was hard work but amazing. We were out every day at the park, home ed meets or at the museum. We usually had the company of other home ed families and the kids honestly had the most brilliant time. From age 6 he did a day a week at forest school. He wasn’t really one for a lie-in ever, and holidays still had to be planned around my work, but we had wonderful times camping and at Center parc with friends cheaply during term time.

There’s a lot of catastrophising on this thread about kids having to learn how the world works at some stage, but they pick it up anyway through every day life. My second born did little formal work during the primary years, he was a big reader and we did lots of trips out but definitely no formal maths for example, then he decided he wanted to go to secondary school just after we moved into an 11plus area. He worked towards and passed the 11plus, no bother. You don’t need a curriculum to home ed in the primary years, just facilitate your child’s interests.

This, basically!

Learning to be on time regardless of distractions is a basic life skill, not just for education or work but to show basic respect for others, friends, sports team mates, group activities.

If you genuinely don't want to adhere to all the rules that come with a state provided education then Home Ed may well be your only realistic choice. It's not fair to your DD or the school that you regularly turn up late "because DD wanted to go on the swings/saw a butterfly/fancied a lay in" etc.etc.

@mumofnearlyschoolchild independent schools are not beholden to the same fine systems as state schools but will have their own rules and they do need to send through unauthorised absences to the LA

the hardest thing I had to do with mine was work out what was them and what was me and I don’t think you have done that all of your posts are about you and your feelings and your relationship with your daughter and not her and her wants and needs

I have been on two different educational journeys with mine and different paths centering them at it and not me and working out what was best for them

as I said I think looking at forest school a couple of days a week will be helpful for both of you because I think as well (having had a similar age gap) you are underestimating the impact a baby will have

Well, good luck to you and your daughter. I hope it works out the way you hope it will.

I don't think there are that many countries which start compulsory education older than six, which isn't a big difference compared to the UK really. And what you may find is that most of those children are in full time daycare before that, because most parents need to work.

I live in France, where until 2019 compulsory education began the September of the year the child turned six. There were three years of non-compulsory infant school starting from the September the child turned three. And many children were in full time creche since long before that. In 2019 the French government decided to make the first three years compulsory as well, which means that if your child is born in December they must start school when they are 2y9m. My daughter was born in January so she will be 3y8m when she starts and she will probably be the oldest in her year. Anyway, the government did this because they found that the children who were not going to school for the first three years were the children who would most benefit from being in school for those years, and by the age of six they were already at a significant disadvantage compared to those who had started earlier.

If the Reception class room you've seen is in an academic focused Independent School, its likely to be a lot more formal and strict than the average state school classroom.

So they will more flexibility on holidays,but but pushed harder in school.

I think something like a Waldorf school might be suitable?

I agree with you, I think structure is introduced too early in this country, to the detriment of our children's education, compared to say Nordic countries which start later, focus on play, start writing/reading later and actually have better academic outcomes.

That's not to say our schools are bad, necessarily, and there are some remarkable teachers and really supportive settings.

I disagree with a PP who said you need to learn concentrate at an early age in order to be able to concentrate at 11. That's simply not the way brains work. Lots of 4 year olds, in school and out, struggle to concentrate/sit still/pay attention etc. It's time, and brain development that changes things, not making children concentrate.
Working with adults from Norway and Finland- decent levels of concentration from all of them, certainly better than my own!

Would have loved to have done similar to you with mine but sadly couldn't afford it - and they also thankfully really loved nursery, and developed strong friendship groups.