AIBU to be in pieces at my baby starting school

[mumofnearlyschoolchild]

First off, I just want to say I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have a healthy daughter, lucky to be pregnant again, lucky to have help. I really do appreciate it all. But I’d also love to hear from other parents who’ve felt the same way I’m feeling right now, and how you managed it.

My little girl is nearly 4 and will be starting school in September 2026. I’m also pregnant with a little boy who’s due in the next couple of months. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born and I’ve honestly loved it. We’ve had the best time together - always out and about in parks, zoos, museums, doing fun things. During term time we take little trips, just the two of us: Disneyland, visiting my parents abroad, UK staycations when it’s quieter. It hasn’t been easy every single second, but overall I’ve absolutely adored it.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing away that first year or so when she was tiny and not really interactive yet, but now here we are: she’s almost 4. Soon she’ll be at school and I’ll only get her for a few hours after 3–4pm and in the holidays. Yes, I’ll have her little brother at home, and I know he’ll bring so much joy… but it won’t be her. It feels like the end of an era with her, and that makes me really emotional. There’s also a part of me that wonders how exactly I’ll climb around at the adventure playgrounds or take trips to Disneyland when I also have a little baby but that’s perhaps another story, or perhaps part of the overall guilty at losing the stage with her.

She’s never been a nursery fan. We tried at 2 and again at 3, but she hated it both times, so she’s just been home with me. And maybe part of why I feel this way is cultural, because where I’m from children don’t usually start school until later. To me, 4.5 still feels so little. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing so much time with her, that she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope when it was your child’s turn to start school?

I completely agree…I feel very sad for children of these over anxious parents, but can you imagine the poor teachers who will have to deal with her! 🤯

The child, however, will greatly benefit from being in school.

OP, it may help to think that your job is to raise your child so that as a young adult, they can walk confidently out of your care, secure in the knowledge of their relationship with you, but totally able to operate in the world as a separate and independent person.

Some parts of that journey are difficult in the moment, or even for a period of time - when we subject our babies to the momentary pain of injections because of our knowledge of disease prevention; when we wait for them at home, picturing all the dangers of the independent travel home from school (or later, across the world); when they embark on their first relationship and open themselves up to heartbreak.

At some point, you will need to be able to convincingly smile as you wave your child off into an educational institution - whether that be an infant class, a pre-school, a secondary school or a home ed group, depending on your choice - and release them into a world that they need and you feel you cannot give them to the same quality. That’s a hard part of your job. You need to do it well - wholeheartedly, confidently, cheerfully (in front of them), emphasising the positive (to them) - for them to get the full benefit of it. Train yourself to do it well, so they can thrive.

And remember, no choice is irrevocable- I have children who have been schooled, home-schooled, have taken a year out of education, and have moved schools mid-year. Just bear the long term goal in mind. Your choices, and your preferences, should never come at their expense.

People do realise it is three in Spain when they start education?

Wasn't meaning to quote you!

You're not doing her any favours at all. You have to let her experience things and other people without you or she's going to be in for a massive shock when she goes to school.

Children begin their education at nursery so she's going to be socially and academically behind when she starts if you don't stop putting your own needs before hers. She has to be the most important person in this, not you.

United Kingdom: 4–5 years (Reception in England, Primary 1 in Scotland at 4.5–5).
Ireland: 4–6 years (most start at 4 or 5).
France: 3 years (école maternelle is free and almost universal, though compulsory schooling is from 3).
Germany: 6 years (Grundschule).
Poland: 7 years (compulsory, though many start preschool at 6).
Netherlands: 5 years (though nearly all start at 4).
Spain: 6 years (primary school, though many attend preschool at 3).
Italy: 6 years (primary school, but preschool from 3 is very common).
Sweden: 7 years (but almost all children attend preschool class at 6).
Norway: 6 years.
Finland: 7 years (but a compulsory pre-primary year at 6

It's great that you have such a beautiful bond with her, and that will have given her a sense of security that'll stand her in good stead for her future.
My advice is - focus on school as a fun adventure for her. That'll help you too. Make sure that your anxiety doesn't rub off on her. As it gets nearer, make it seem like an exciting new opportunity for fun and new friends.

I agree. They may not remember specific things but the feeling of having fun and special times with their parents will stay with them and is part of your bond.

You've had a bit of a hard here, OP, because of the outings and trips you've mentioned, which is unfair. Would it make any difference to the sentiments of your post if you'd mentioned spending your time doing rhyme time at the library or feeding the ducks at the park? It really wouldn't.

This

Agree with PP - if you have seen very ‘formal’ Reception classes, they are likely to be in private schools (which may be selling themselves on being ‘traditional’ or ‘having high academic standards’).

If this is the case, look again at State options, even if you only use that school for KS1 and go for private after that.

A few private options, though, are very ‘muddy welly’, outside in all weathers in big grounds, and that sounds like it might suit you well.

Except that nursery - or Kindergarten - is pretty universal in northern Europe from the age of 3 or so. To say that most children in the EU are not in some form of out-of-the home educational setting until they're 6 or 7 is misleading.

You would probably benefit from talking this through with a counsellor

True, though I was referring to school specifically.

You should look for a montessori school near you, it sounds like it might be the type of education you're looking for.

P.S I feel similar, but I'm in a country where they don't start school until 6, so have a few years left.

This is a really bad idea for this child who hasn't been in any kind of preschool setting. Plus her mother will have a baby to look after as well.

Not sure independent school in the UK would be for your views and values surrounding schooling. Most are heavily focused on academic results and achievement – that is after all why most are paying for it and they want their money’s worth. While they can’t fine parents like LAs can for unauthorised holidays, they will set their own rules and procedures around it with different repercussions – after all, lack of attendance will affect their results.

There are some independent schools such as full forest schools which are 90% outdoor based learning. They will still have structure, they will still have a start time and they will still have repercussions for unauthorised attendance.

Seems like you simply don’t like formal schooling from age 4, so your options are to move out of the UK or homeschool. It is what it is.

The other thing is that if you don’t live near a good school then you often will be better off home educating even if you’re not opposed to formal schooling per se. The only school that was offered to us has a large proportion of refugee pupils who don’t speak English as their first language and also pupils whose parents don’t care about their education (head teacher’s words). I don’t think that’s a good environment for my child as the teachers will be focusing on those who are struggling. I, on the other hand, can offer a focused 1:1 learning.

You may feel very differently when the baby comes. Your daughter will seem more grown up and ready in a year though I imagine she's ready now and it's only you that isn't.

As young as it seems, reception is a lot of playing and socialising and getting used to the school environment. Yes they do learning but it’s mostly through play. It’s hard though when your first goes to school, always the mum guilt. The first few days are hard but try not to show that to your dd because it may make it hard for her to go in and leave you, which then makes it harder for you thinking she’s upset going in etc. just make the most of the time you get after school x

I felt exactly the same OP. I only have one DD. I also work for myself and in lots of ways enjoy that I answer to nobody. I was devastated when I had to hand her over to the system. It sounds dramatic but that is how I felt.

Why couldn't she start when we felt like it? Why was I not allowed take her out for holidays at any point?

Weird because before experiencing it personally my eyes would have literally rolled as far back as my brain if I'd heard somebody else whining like this. But that's the thing about parenting; it's makes you look at the world around you with new eyes and things you accepted before you question.

All I can tell you is my feelings were about me and that sense of loss. I missed her so much but it was the right thing to do. She thrived in school.

Give it some time and be kind to yourself.

I really hope that’s just pregnancy hormones talking, otherwise you are being massively unreasonable. It’s normal to be a little sad and anxious. It is NOT normal to be in bits about it.