Page 4 | AIBU to be in pieces at my baby starting school

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 2025-09-26T06:05:58+00:00

First off, I just want to say I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have a healthy daughter, lucky to be pregnant again, lucky to have help. I really do appreciate it all. But I’d also love to hear from other parents who’ve felt the same way I’m feeling right now, and how you managed it. My little girl is nearly 4 and will be starting school in September 2026. I’m also pregnant with a little boy who’s due in the next couple of months. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born and I’ve honestly loved it. We’ve had the best time together - always out and about in parks, zoos, museums, doing fun things. During term time we take little trips, just the two of us: Disneyland, visiting my parents abroad, UK staycations when it’s quieter. It hasn’t been easy every single second, but overall I’ve absolutely adored it. Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing away that first year or so when she was tiny and not really interactive yet, but now here we are: she’s almost 4. Soon she’ll be at school and I’ll only get her for a few hours after 3–4pm and in the holidays. Yes, I’ll have her little brother at home, and I know he’ll bring so much joy… but it won’t be her. It feels like the end of an era with her, and that makes me really emotional. There’s also a part of me that wonders how exactly I’ll climb around at the adventure playgrounds or take trips to Disneyland when I also have a little baby but that’s perhaps another story, or perhaps part of the overall guilty at losing the stage with her. She’s never been a nursery fan. We tried at 2 and again at 3, but she hated it both times, so she’s just been home with me. And maybe part of why I feel this way is cultural, because where I’m from children don’t usually start school until later. To me, 4.5 still feels so little. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing so much time with her, that she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope when it was your child’s turn to start school?

LactoseTolerant · 26/09/2025 11:57

Op I agree with you that 4 is too young to be starting school and that small children benefit so much more from just playing and exploring as you say. I also grew up in a country where kids start school later and I can't see a single advantage of starting so early. It's good for parents (I.e cheaper) but not for kids. Anyway both my kids are summer born so maybe that's why I feel even more that they were too young.

To the posters who say that reception is just a tiny step up from nursery it's not. Yes thankfully they still get to play a lot but there are so.many more expectations on them.compared to.nursery..not just academically but also in terms of behaviour, social skills, etc. Also my kids were properly reading by the end of the year so they must have spent a considerable time doing academics as well.

I don't agree with you though that she is better off being with you all week. From rhr research I did when my older one started nursery, for most kids spending at least some amount of time in a structured setting is advantageous from about the age of 3. (No judgment on parents whose kids joined earlier. Both of mine went to nursery aged 1 because I had to go back to work). Also, from a development point of view she would benefit from spending much more time with kids of her own age as this is the time when kids start learning social skills.

If I was you id start sending her to nursery otherwise reception might be a bit of a shock for her. It doesn't have to be every day but I think 3-4 days (or half days) is ideal.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/09/2025 11:57

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 26/09/2025 11:28

@NoisyLittleOtter@Nottodaythankyou123

Yeah, I do understand what you’re saying — and perhaps I am misunderstanding something — but for me it just feels like too much structure. (And I do think we’ve chosen a good school, probably the best of the ones I’ve looked at… and believe me, I’ve looked at quite a few! 😅) But still, it’s that sense of having to be there at 9 or 8:30 sharp, no matter what. Like, what if on the way your child spots a playground and would rather have a go on the swings first, or you see some birds and want to stop and watch them properly, but instead you’re rushing along so they can sit down and get through whatever’s on the timetable. Or what if their grandma is visiting and they’d just rather see her for a day out. Or have a lie in because that’s what they need ans want. It’s that lack of flexibility that feels hard for me — it’s always whatever the teacher has planned, rather than what sparks the child’s interest that morning.

And then there are the holidays. Maybe I’m misunderstanding this too, but from what I gather, you can’t just take your child out in June for a week at the seaside. And to me, that’s such a shame — there are so many benefits to something like that: fresh air, vitamin D, learning to swim, spending whole days outside, exploring nature. Instead, you’re restricted to official school holidays, and they make such a fuss if you take them out at other times. Or have I got that wrong?

Your daughter has to learn how to function in society at some point, OP.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/09/2025 11:59

FartyAnimal · 26/09/2025 11:30

As you will be home, why don't you home school?

The OP doesn't come across like a good candidate for home schooling her child, IMO.

Original poster

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 26/09/2025 12:00

@Nottodaythankyou123
I think this is really just a difference in opinion about what’s age-appropriate. Personally, I don’t feel that at 4½ a child should be forced into full-on school mode. If you’re only four or five and you feel like having a lie-in one morning, why shouldn’t you? In the same way, if in June you want to go to the seaside for a week to swim and play in the sand, or in January you see there’s great snow and fancy going skiing, I don’t see why not. At that age, those kinds of experiences are just as valuable as anything in a classroom.

There will be plenty of time later on for sitting down and learning. But those early years — when they’re still so little — I feel should be more about freedom, experiences, and making memories.

OP posts:

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 12:02

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 26/09/2025 12:00

@Nottodaythankyou123
I think this is really just a difference in opinion about what’s age-appropriate. Personally, I don’t feel that at 4½ a child should be forced into full-on school mode. If you’re only four or five and you feel like having a lie-in one morning, why shouldn’t you? In the same way, if in June you want to go to the seaside for a week to swim and play in the sand, or in January you see there’s great snow and fancy going skiing, I don’t see why not. At that age, those kinds of experiences are just as valuable as anything in a classroom.

There will be plenty of time later on for sitting down and learning. But those early years — when they’re still so little — I feel should be more about freedom, experiences, and making memories.

You'll have to homeschool then. I'm getting quite eye-rolly now

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:03

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 26/09/2025 12:00

@Nottodaythankyou123
I think this is really just a difference in opinion about what’s age-appropriate. Personally, I don’t feel that at 4½ a child should be forced into full-on school mode. If you’re only four or five and you feel like having a lie-in one morning, why shouldn’t you? In the same way, if in June you want to go to the seaside for a week to swim and play in the sand, or in January you see there’s great snow and fancy going skiing, I don’t see why not. At that age, those kinds of experiences are just as valuable as anything in a classroom.

There will be plenty of time later on for sitting down and learning. But those early years — when they’re still so little — I feel should be more about freedom, experiences, and making memories.

If you don’t feel it’s appropriate, then don’t send your child. You’re acting like you have no choice and you’re being forced into it, which isn’t the case.

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:04

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 12:02

You'll have to homeschool then. I'm getting quite eye-rolly now

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Same. Every parent has the choice. If they feel school isn’t ‘appropriate’ and will be detrimental to their child’s wellbeing then they don’t have to send their child to school.
If, however, they want the benefits that free state education offers, then they have to accept that it comes with some rules.

Tiswa · 26/09/2025 12:05

@mumofnearlyschoolchild do you have a forest school near you? I think that might suit both of you

but yes even though you aren’t wrong the education system is just that and you need to work out how best to navigate it because you aren’t changing it!

As I said for us that was finding the right pre school and getting her used to it - it took time but she thrived in the end

noidea69 · 26/09/2025 12:06

You're making this all about you and not her. Chances are she'll have a great time in reception, its still all fun then, she'll make loads of new friends and really grow as a person.

noidea69 · 26/09/2025 12:09

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 12:02

You'll have to homeschool then. I'm getting quite eye-rolly now

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my exact same thought

dairydebris · 26/09/2025 12:09

Home schooling a 5 year old with a baby at home is bloody selfish imo. I know because I've done it during covid. The 5 year old will be frustrated and the baby will get less quality time. The OP may have the type of baby that likes to be held constantly including naps, colicky, mum will be exhausted etc.

This post is all about what the OP feels is best for her child. Nothing about considering what the best environment would be for a 5 yo.

OP you can choose a school that most aligns with your values. The loose structure applied in reception suits most kids really well.

You need to think about your baby on the way too.

LactoseTolerant · 26/09/2025 12:10

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:03

If you don’t feel it’s appropriate, then don’t send your child. You’re acting like you have no choice and you’re being forced into it, which isn’t the case.

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You don't have a good choice because this is the established system. Kids from the age of 5 have to be in full time education. That's the law and no op does not have a choice on that

Both my kids are late summer born and I did consider holding them back but I was worried that at some point it would hurt their self esteem to think we thought they weren't ready along with their peers. Also all nursery teachers strongly recommended not to hold them back. They said for both of them that they are ready and would get bored. Academics aren't a problem but academics aren't the only thing in school. There is a massive different in terms of social skills, maturity and confidence bw a 4 year old and say a 5 or.6 year old. Also why would a 4 year old get bored of playing? I mean what's the hurry?

And for most parents home schooling is not a feasible choice and I suspect most parents who do homeschool do so because they absolutely dont have another choice rather than just not thinking it's ideal.

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:10

dairydebris · 26/09/2025 12:09

Home schooling a 5 year old with a baby at home is bloody selfish imo. I know because I've done it during covid. The 5 year old will be frustrated and the baby will get less quality time. The OP may have the type of baby that likes to be held constantly including naps, colicky, mum will be exhausted etc.

This post is all about what the OP feels is best for her child. Nothing about considering what the best environment would be for a 5 yo.

OP you can choose a school that most aligns with your values. The loose structure applied in reception suits most kids really well.

You need to think about your baby on the way too.

Flashbacks of homeschooling a 6 year old, a 4 year old and having a newborn during Covid 😬. Hideous.

TheNightingalesStarling · 26/09/2025 12:11

You are coming across as seriously out of touch with the reality of life now. 99% of children aren't randomly jetting off on luxury holidays when they feel like it...mostly because their parents can't facilitate it, nit because they are at school.

You have two choices... continue to lead your individual life catering to your child's whim, or grow up and accept at some point your child will learn they aren't the centre of the universe.

You can find alternative education, you can home educate, or you can use a traditional school. But your child will need to grow up and learn structure.

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:12

LactoseTolerant · 26/09/2025 12:10

You don't have a good choice because this is the established system. Kids from the age of 5 have to be in full time education. That's the law and no op does not have a choice on that

Both my kids are late summer born and I did consider holding them back but I was worried that at some point it would hurt their self esteem to think we thought they weren't ready along with their peers. Also all nursery teachers strongly recommended not to hold them back. They said for both of them that they are ready and would get bored. Academics aren't a problem but academics aren't the only thing in school. There is a massive different in terms of social skills, maturity and confidence bw a 4 year old and say a 5 or.6 year old. Also why would a 4 year old get bored of playing? I mean what's the hurry?

And for most parents home schooling is not a feasible choice and I suspect most parents who do homeschool do so because they absolutely dont have another choice rather than just not thinking it's ideal.

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Kids from the age of 5 have to be in full time education

This doesn’t have to be in a school. The OP absolutely does have a choice if she thinks school is going to be so detrimental to her child.

TheNightingalesStarling · 26/09/2025 12:12

Also... how does your partner/the child's father feel about school?

Nottodaythankyou123 · 26/09/2025 12:12

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 26/09/2025 12:00

@Nottodaythankyou123
I think this is really just a difference in opinion about what’s age-appropriate. Personally, I don’t feel that at 4½ a child should be forced into full-on school mode. If you’re only four or five and you feel like having a lie-in one morning, why shouldn’t you? In the same way, if in June you want to go to the seaside for a week to swim and play in the sand, or in January you see there’s great snow and fancy going skiing, I don’t see why not. At that age, those kinds of experiences are just as valuable as anything in a classroom.

There will be plenty of time later on for sitting down and learning. But those early years — when they’re still so little — I feel should be more about freedom, experiences, and making memories.

Yeah I guess it is - I have to work, kids have to go to nursery so unfortunately none of us are dashing off to Disneyland or skiing at the drop of a hat because we fancy it. Nobody I know, school age or otherwise is lucky enough to live a life where they can do that. If you can then instead of whining about how unfortunate it is your child has to go to school, appreciate how bloody lucky you are and look into other things like homeschooling that better suit the lifestyle you want to live.

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:14

Maybe you’re better looking at an independent school which is better aligned to your values and you potentially have more flexibility with term time holidays OP.

LactoseTolerant · 26/09/2025 12:14

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:04

Same. Every parent has the choice. If they feel school isn’t ‘appropriate’ and will be detrimental to their child’s wellbeing then they don’t have to send their child to school.
If, however, they want the benefits that free state education offers, then they have to accept that it comes with some rules.

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What on earth are you talking about? How can people be so ignorant? You don't have a choice. Kids have to be in education as that is the law. It's got nothing to do with being free or not..

The only alternative is home schooling your child but if you think that's an equal or feasible alternative for most people then again you are just being ignorant.

dairydebris · 26/09/2025 12:14

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:10

Flashbacks of homeschooling a 6 year old, a 4 year old and having a newborn during Covid 😬. Hideous.

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Abso fucking lutely.

None of them napped.

I wouldn't say it was all quality time 😬

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/09/2025 12:15

mumofnearlyschoolchild · 26/09/2025 12:00

@Nottodaythankyou123
I think this is really just a difference in opinion about what’s age-appropriate. Personally, I don’t feel that at 4½ a child should be forced into full-on school mode. If you’re only four or five and you feel like having a lie-in one morning, why shouldn’t you? In the same way, if in June you want to go to the seaside for a week to swim and play in the sand, or in January you see there’s great snow and fancy going skiing, I don’t see why not. At that age, those kinds of experiences are just as valuable as anything in a classroom.

There will be plenty of time later on for sitting down and learning. But those early years — when they’re still so little — I feel should be more about freedom, experiences, and making memories.

The thing is that if you don't teach a child how to sit down and learn when they are little, they will be incapable of sitting down and learning when they are 11.

Their brain will still only be half developed and they won't understand why they suddenly can't have a lie in on a Tuesday if they feel like it, or go on last minute term time holidays.

Although I suppose there's nothing to actually stop you, as the parent, from keeping your child off school because they fancy a lie in or you want to go on holiday. You'll just have to deal with the consequences.

I don't think you are doing your child any favours by allowing them to do whatever they want at the age of 4, only to tell them they have to start conforming at some unspecified later age. It will be harder for them than it is for their peers, who have been doing it since the age of 4.

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:15

LactoseTolerant · 26/09/2025 12:14

What on earth are you talking about? How can people be so ignorant? You don't have a choice. Kids have to be in education as that is the law. It's got nothing to do with being free or not..

The only alternative is home schooling your child but if you think that's an equal or feasible alternative for most people then again you are just being ignorant.

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She has the choice to home educate. Only she knows if that is a feasible alternative for her. It appears that she doesn’t currently work, so it may well be.
Kids need to be educated. That doesn’t have to be at school.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/09/2025 12:16

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:15

She has the choice to home educate. Only she knows if that is a feasible alternative for her. It appears that she doesn’t currently work, so it may well be.
Kids need to be educated. That doesn’t have to be at school.

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She's currently pregnant, so by this time next year she will have a baby to take care of.

ttcbabyno2ber · 26/09/2025 12:17

You don’t work and you don’t want to send your child to school next September. Why don’t you homeschool?

dairydebris · 26/09/2025 12:17

NoisyLittleOtter · 26/09/2025 12:14

Maybe you’re better looking at an independent school which is better aligned to your values and you potentially have more flexibility with term time holidays OP.

Yes, this. Longer holidays too.