AIBU to be in pieces at my baby starting school

[mumofnearlyschoolchild]

First off, I just want to say I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have a healthy daughter, lucky to be pregnant again, lucky to have help. I really do appreciate it all. But I’d also love to hear from other parents who’ve felt the same way I’m feeling right now, and how you managed it.

My little girl is nearly 4 and will be starting school in September 2026. I’m also pregnant with a little boy who’s due in the next couple of months. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born and I’ve honestly loved it. We’ve had the best time together - always out and about in parks, zoos, museums, doing fun things. During term time we take little trips, just the two of us: Disneyland, visiting my parents abroad, UK staycations when it’s quieter. It hasn’t been easy every single second, but overall I’ve absolutely adored it.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing away that first year or so when she was tiny and not really interactive yet, but now here we are: she’s almost 4. Soon she’ll be at school and I’ll only get her for a few hours after 3–4pm and in the holidays. Yes, I’ll have her little brother at home, and I know he’ll bring so much joy… but it won’t be her. It feels like the end of an era with her, and that makes me really emotional. There’s also a part of me that wonders how exactly I’ll climb around at the adventure playgrounds or take trips to Disneyland when I also have a little baby but that’s perhaps another story, or perhaps part of the overall guilty at losing the stage with her.

She’s never been a nursery fan. We tried at 2 and again at 3, but she hated it both times, so she’s just been home with me. And maybe part of why I feel this way is cultural, because where I’m from children don’t usually start school until later. To me, 4.5 still feels so little. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing so much time with her, that she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope when it was your child’s turn to start school?

Have you considered home schooling? If finances allow it’s an absolute joy to homeschool for the primary years.

@LinedOverLatteI do actually think young kids benefit far more from playing, being outside, and exploring the world than from sitting at a desk all day. I wish school gave them more of that, because fresh air and freedom are so important. But at the end of the day, this is how the school system is set up — legally, this is what they’re meant to do. And for my daughter, I feel it’s better that she starts from the beginning and adapts with her peers, rather than me doing my own version of “school” for a few years and then her finding it even harder to settle in later and catch up on a programme that all the other kids were taught by a proper teacher vs her taught by a non-qualified me.

Have you visited a Reception classroom? They’re not sitting at desks all day. The vast majority of their day is play based. Our school has free range access to outside at all times. They do Forest School one day a week (this week they climbed trees and toasted marshmallows on a fire). I think you have a slightly inaccurate view of what school looks like at that age.

I understand, op
I'm in the EU and children start at 6/7 here. My eldest is 5 and I very much enjoy taking him out of nursery for a day to do things together and spend that time with him.
It's a normal part of growing up and I know that but you're allowed to miss your child.

This. 100%.

this is about you, OP, and your anxiety about letting life happen, which is full of change, transitions, new environment, new people. As your child hasn’t been to nursery and because you don’t work, you’ve been with her all the time. It’s nice that you’ve done lots of trips and stuff together but that’s not a reason to stop her from growing and developing and encountering new experiences.

imo this is why it’s always healthy emotionally for parents to have other interests outside of being with/ doing stuff with their kids. Obviously enjoying time with your child is a massive part of parenting, but they are separate beings from you!

in the nicest possible way, look at your own anxiety and fear of letting her develop and encounter new phases of life.

I do actually think young kids benefit far more from playing, being outside, and exploring the world than from sitting at a desk all day. I wish school gave them more of that
They do. Reception has loads of free play. Year 1 has a transition where they have a bit less but still time in the classroom to do so. They get 2 break times plus lunch break plus various activities which are teaching but are working on craft things in groups or outside looking at things. They are very far from "sitting at a desk all day". That's just your desire to hold your daughter back from school so you've told yourself she's going to have an experience far from reality.

@NoisyLittleOtter
I know they’re not literally sat at desks all day, but they still do have to be in a classroom environment all day. It’s not complete freedom. Yes, there’s play, but it’s still structured play, with set lessons — like learning numbers or letters — that they all do together whether they’re in the mood for it or not.

I have visited a Reception classroom, and honestly, that’s what shocked me — seeing 4-year-olds already having to follow that structure. It’s not like they can wake up and think, “This morning I’d rather spend the whole time outside at the playground than doing a craft,” or, “I don’t feel like letters today, but I did find it interesting reading my book about the arctic, I’d love to see polar bears in a zoo / Natural History Museum” etc. It’s all very much based on what the teacher decides and what the curriculum says, rather than being completely led by the child’s own interests and curiosity.

My daughter has just started reception - she spends next to no time sat at a desk, they have weekly all day forest school; weather permitting the rest of the week they do maths or phonics outside in nature, they have PE and swimming and plenty of free play time too.

It’s no different really to nursery for her, other than in the uniform, and some time dedicated to phonics etc (but again, that’s outside).

I really wouldn’t worry. I’d also say once baby 2 comes along, it will probably be good for her and you to get some space (her where she’s playing with friends and learning, and you with just the baby). Try to view it as a positive step!

edited because I’ve just seen your last post - actually our reception teachers adjust based on the kids interests, so if there are a couple really interested in jungle animals for example, they’ll tweak their activities to accommodate. Picking a good school is key!

I think maybe you need to look round some different schools.

I have visited a Reception classroom, and honestly, that’s what shocked me — seeing 4-year-olds already having to follow that structure
Kids love structure mostly. They get into the groove really quickly and like knowing it's maths at 9 then play at 9.30 or whatever. Reception is genuine play and not just at break times. Dressing up, playing on scooters and with construction toys or in the book corner. You really are letting your own feelings cloud your judgement and it's really unfair to put that on her.

Agreed… most kids enjoy the structure, enjoy the opportunity to learn new things, to feel grown up, to take the next step in their development.

Sending hugs and support OP. I felt the same, my 7 years as a SAHM have been the most beautiful and fulfilling chapter of my life so far. I loved every moment of having my 2 at home, but always knew it would come to an end.

My youngest has now started school and is really happy. You will all be OK and adjust to your new normal, I promise. I made some new study/professional plans for myself ready to start in September too, so I have something new and fun to discuss with my children too. You could plan something new/different to do with your new baby to coincide. Also, see if someone can free you up after school or at the weekend to do something special with your eldest. I sometimes took just my eldest to a weekend activity/theatre show and left baby with DH. You will still have moments to catch up properly, I promise.

Best of luck to you all ☺️

Yes exactly, she doesn't have to go Sept 26, she can delay until the term after her 5th birthday.

Given she's not yet 4 I think you need to dial down the anxiety a bit OP - if your DD picks up on it it could easily scupper a successful transition to school so do bear that in mind.

I don’t think you can have visited a really good primary school OP. This is just wrong and not how early years is done in the best schools. Look around and find a school that is good. Our primary school like most does “continuous provision”. The children don’t have numbers “lessons” as you describe. They choose the activity they are interested in from a whole range of indoor and outdoor activities, whilst the teachers cleverly weave in themes, topics and learning. It is fun and 100% child-led. Our school also has a forest school element, which again is fairly common nowadays.

I just think you’ve made an ill-informed judgement about what school is going to be like based on one visit and your own anxieties.

@NoisyLittleOtter@Nottodaythankyou123

Yeah, I do understand what you’re saying — and perhaps I am misunderstanding something — but for me it just feels like too much structure. (And I do think we’ve chosen a good school, probably the best of the ones I’ve looked at… and believe me, I’ve looked at quite a few! 😅) But still, it’s that sense of having to be there at 9 or 8:30 sharp, no matter what. Like, what if on the way your child spots a playground and would rather have a go on the swings first, or you see some birds and want to stop and watch them properly, but instead you’re rushing along so they can sit down and get through whatever’s on the timetable. Or what if their grandma is visiting and they’d just rather see her for a day out. Or have a lie in because that’s what they need ans want. It’s that lack of flexibility that feels hard for me — it’s always whatever the teacher has planned, rather than what sparks the child’s interest that morning.

And then there are the holidays. Maybe I’m misunderstanding this too, but from what I gather, you can’t just take your child out in June for a week at the seaside. And to me, that’s such a shame — there are so many benefits to something like that: fresh air, vitamin D, learning to swim, spending whole days outside, exploring nature. Instead, you’re restricted to official school holidays, and they make such a fuss if you take them out at other times. Or have I got that wrong?

As you will be home, why don't you home school?

No offence but this post is all about you. It is time to let her experience things without you. Plus she will get undivided attention at school whilst you have the baby at home. Did you give nursery much of a chance?

I suspect that is why the child didn't like nursery.

You're not wrong about term time holidays being difficult as you can get fined but mostly people don't consider that a big deal. And the stuff about wanting to go to the park instead of school, I mean sure that might happen once in a while but most people don't find that particularly saddening. It's a lot of handwringing over a very mild inconvenience.

September 2026 you say?

Why are you wasting your time and energy stressing about this now?

Enjoy the time you have together and work out ways to carve out "new time" together.

Yes, it is more structured than being at home. That is a natural part of a child’s development, and in my experience most children relish that structure.
You can take your children out of school for holidays, but if you are choosing to send your child to school then you also accept the consequences of that choice (fines etc).
If you want your child to be able to do all of the things that you outline in this post then that’s absolutely fine, you can choose to do that. School is not compulsory (although education is). However if you do choose to utilise the state education system then there are certain rules you have to follow regarding punctuality, attendance etc. It’s up to you what choice you make for your child.

Right but that’s not life is it? Unfortunately you do have to be places on time, you can’t just get sidetracked and ultimately you won’t be doing her any favours not setting any rules or boundaries. Most people, adult or children, can’t just have a lie in because they’re tired, or a day out because they fancy it. That’s not a school issue, that’s just how life works for 99% of people.

There is a degree of structure I guess in it, but I disagree with the bits about sitting down to do what’s on the timetable - like I’ve said a good school does look at what sparks joy in the children in those year groups especially and works accordingly. I’d actually go and look at a few more schools, because the example you’ve cited is quite authoritarian and has no resemblance to what my daughter is experiencing in reception!

My DD loved school so much from reception onwards, it was a joy to see. Make sure you don't let your lack of enthusiasm rub off on her. Reception is just like kindergartens in other countries, and of course at 4.5 it is better for children to be with peers and beginning to learn, rather than at home all the time.

I can understand your worries to a degree, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your daughter doesn’t start school for another year! Don’t waste that time worrying. Continue to have a nice time, and prepare her for school.

My son just started in reception. I was emotional dropping him off. But it’s just a new phase. He’s enjoying it and it would have been cruel of me to transfer my own anxiety onto him.

Also, it’s probably not your intention, but your post could be read as suggesting that you and your daughter have an incredible bond because of all the time (and money) you have to do things together. I think the majority of parents, even if not SAHP, have this sort of relationship with their children, and are able to overcome anxieties about school starting.

It really sounds like you have zero identity besides being a mum.