AIBU to be in pieces at my baby starting school

[mumofnearlyschoolchild]

First off, I just want to say I know how lucky I am. Lucky to have a healthy daughter, lucky to be pregnant again, lucky to have help. I really do appreciate it all. But I’d also love to hear from other parents who’ve felt the same way I’m feeling right now, and how you managed it.

My little girl is nearly 4 and will be starting school in September 2026. I’m also pregnant with a little boy who’s due in the next couple of months. I’ve been a SAHM since my daughter was born and I’ve honestly loved it. We’ve had the best time together - always out and about in parks, zoos, museums, doing fun things. During term time we take little trips, just the two of us: Disneyland, visiting my parents abroad, UK staycations when it’s quieter. It hasn’t been easy every single second, but overall I’ve absolutely adored it.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing away that first year or so when she was tiny and not really interactive yet, but now here we are: she’s almost 4. Soon she’ll be at school and I’ll only get her for a few hours after 3–4pm and in the holidays. Yes, I’ll have her little brother at home, and I know he’ll bring so much joy… but it won’t be her. It feels like the end of an era with her, and that makes me really emotional. There’s also a part of me that wonders how exactly I’ll climb around at the adventure playgrounds or take trips to Disneyland when I also have a little baby but that’s perhaps another story, or perhaps part of the overall guilty at losing the stage with her.

She’s never been a nursery fan. We tried at 2 and again at 3, but she hated it both times, so she’s just been home with me. And maybe part of why I feel this way is cultural, because where I’m from children don’t usually start school until later. To me, 4.5 still feels so little. I can’t help feeling like I’m losing so much time with her, that she’ll be sat in a classroom when she should still be playing, exploring, and enjoying her childhood.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope when it was your child’s turn to start school?

Bloody hell, OP, I assumed she'd started school this year.

September 2026 is a whole year away, and she will be one of the older children.

Where I live some children are starting (compulsory) school at 2 years and 8 months.

I would worry for your mental health, you seem overly dependent on your daughter.

I didn’t realise I felt like this until I dropped dd1 at school for the first time. I was all jolly to her but had to run home face down and sobbed like I hadn’t for years. It was the end of an era. I had been a sahm and had one younger child and had loved those years. And it actually was never the same again. They are “in the system”.

Sounds trite but that is life / parenthood. There are stages and then they are over. You have to accept it. Last weekend we dropped the same girl at university 3 hours away. So that’s that. It’s bittersweet. Sad for us but amazing for her.

My general advice from the other side is to make sure you keep yourself and you own life going. Friends / interests / work. Because believe me the children go.

I felt really sad, even though I work and my DD went to nursery. It felt like such a milestone for us both: for her, moving on from the safe little cocoon of her lovely nursery workers and her little friends and for me, another stage of letting go and sending her out into the world. It's just something you have to fet over.

I realised a lot of my sadness was also anxiety based on my own experience of starting quite a strict primary school with a strict and completely inappropriate class 1 (as we were then) teacher. I knew the issues were all my own; my DD loved her first day and has loved school ever since.

There's no solution here, it's just something you have to come to terms with. Parenting is letting go, bit by bit, and watching your children grow into their own people, which is an amazing privilege.

Absolutely brilliant post @ProfessorRizz I see the same thing as students move from school to university.

Anxiety isn’t a thing in itself, it’s a fear of specific things. As you say, worries about change, about a new environment, uncertainty about meeting new people, and so on.

@mumofnearlyschoolchild post focuses only on her own feelings, not those of her daughter’s. Deal with your anxieties OP, and develop your own interests apart from time spent with your DD. Allow your DD to have her own life; she’s not an extension of you, she’s a separate person.

But I suspect this will change when you have your second child!

You need to let her go OP I had a similar age gap and a child who struggled with Nursery but we persevered because for me it was importsnt for her - the social aspects but getting a balance in and getting her to learn how to make friends and be independent

she is now 16 and the friends she made at nursery are still in her life (she is out for dinner tonight with them) and our relationship is strong and she has a wonderful relationship with her brother

the bit that is hard, the bit that is still hard is filling my time without them but that is my responsibility

Yep. It’s also very sad that she’s already comparing her baby boy to her little girl and saying that he won’t be her. What a shame

Dd2 is an autumn baby so I had an extra year with her and she’s always been quite mature and brilliant company. She started school quite reluctantly.

She’s nearly 17 now and we still reminisce about her pre school years where the two of us could just hang out go to the park with friends and cafes and have no school or work. Sadly that was always going to come to an end so enjoy it while you can!

It’s a whole year away!

Also, our main job as parents is to help our children grow and be able to exist independently of us. That’s what parenting is all about.

I would also look into using a preschool for a couple of days a week so that she has some experience of being without you before starting school.

You don’t need to climb about on play equipment with a 4 yo - they can do it themselves and really need to be doing so, and playing with other children rather than their parent.

It sounds like you’ve been lucky enough to have the most amazing few years with your dd - most people who decide to be a SAHM then have attendant money worries by dropping a whole salary for the household. You do need to focus on realising how lucky you’ve been to have that!

You will love you son just as much when he gets there - yes you’ll be tied to school holidays for big days out and trips away but that’s no so awful.

Part of being a responsible parent is preparing them for the next stage and to function as an independent person. A lot of people feel that their little one goes to school just as they become quite fun but you have nearly an extra year compared to summer borns. I do wonder though if there is some guilt about no.2 going on as some of your language is all about the impact on no.1. I think there is a real risk with parenting that your identity gets tied up with small people. It’s very important to build a life and interests outside of that too.

I get it, OP. After my second was born I missed it just being me and the older one so much for a few weeks. It is a magic time with your first I think. But you’ll adjust and fall in love with your second too. I made the mistake of focussingba bit too much on my first’s feelings I think, and expecting the baby to manage a bit too much by itself. Splitting your attention between two is hard, OP, but be kind to yourself and remember the gift of a sibling you are giving to each of your children . Don’t borrow trouble by worrying too much. Just enjoy and be grateful for all the bits if you can

and don’t forget, when you’re missing your older one at wchool, the next holiday/half term is always just round the corner!

However will my daughter survive without endless days with me and our multiple trips to Disneyland 🙄

I wouldn’t make any big decisions whilst you’re pg, it’s a really emotional time and your hormones will be playing a big part in how you’re feeling. Things will probably settle down once the newborn stage is over, and you’ll be happier for her to start school.

Having said that, I’d think a bit more about why your dd hated nursery so much. My eldest did too, luckily I had family childcare to look after him while I worked so could pull him out. We started to investigate the local home ed scene and he made friends, and I decided to start home educating with a view to putting him into school when he was a bit older. Long story short he was HE to sixth form and is now at uni. He’s also recently been diagnosed with ADHD (and his younger brother with AuDHD). I now think this was behind his strong dislike of nursery / preschool.

In the home ed community we see many ND kids come out of school aged 12-15ish, and they really struggle due to a combination of school trauma and the difficulty of breaking into established friendship groups as a teenager. Whereas mine have been so lucky to grow up with a large network of home ed friends who are like a big extended family, mostly due to the many many hours spent playing in parks when they were small. It does depend on where you are and what your local home ed groups are like. I’d start reaching out to them now and see if there’s much going on in your area, it will give you a clearer picture if home ed will be feasible, and it would be good for your daughter to hang out with other kids.

YABU for referring to her as a baby.

Our number 1 job as parents is to help our children become independent self sufficient adults. Each step is hard.
My DD has just accepted an amazing job in Finnish Lapland she will be gone for Christmas as that is their busiest time of year. Yes I am a little sad she will be gone for Christmas, but I am so proud of her and can see how excited she is for the incredible experience this job will be both professionally and personally to live in the culture and try all the opportunities.
Next September is the first step on this bitter sweet journey for you, but raising a confident adult is such a privilege.

My ds Is due to start school in a years time and now the final year it approaching I'm starting to feel a little sad. Slightly different as I work 3 days so he does some nursery and have a younger child but I understand how you feel. Our little days out, Monday park trips, Friday playgroups it's been lovely.
Starting school is the first real step to letting them go.

I wonder if there is also some guilt about feeling your are 'replacing' your dd with newborn ds. Sounds crazy but I feel a little like that.

We just need to let them fly op!

Also so what if you can afford disneyland? It's not a crime to say you have a nice life! good for you!

My dd1 was very nearly 5 when she started school & she was used to preschool so was more than ready for it. I was however in bits for a few weeks when she left to go to uni 100 miles away. But she is living her best life and I'm so happy and proud. All we can do as parents is encourage, support & be there for our kids at whatever age & whatever milestone in their life. There will be plenty more times in her life when she won't be around as much - sleepovers, holidays without you, general growing up & not needing their mum as much. It's just part of life. She might not settle in to school for a few months but it will do her the world of good to make new friends etc away from you, hard as it is right now

You need to think about making a life for yourself beyond your children. As Zanatdy says, they grow up. How many do you plan to have? It is your job to make them strong and independent and able to move away from you. They will make friends, want to do things without you (shock horror) and will go to university. Even want to live in another country. Stop thinking of her as a baby. She is a little girl,entitled to her own life and to have experiences of which you will not be a part. And by the way, she won’t remember going to Disneyland aged 4.

I think you might be surprised how you feel in a years time. It's a new stage. It's natural to look back on the time you had and realise how wonderful it was. But it's also an absolute joy to see your child make their first steps in the world and grow and learn. You'll love the next stage too.

You are pregnant and hormonal. When I was pregnant with my third child I remember crying about Balamory because everyone was so nice to each other.

It'll be fine.

To echo what others have said: I think this is about you not her.

Its natural to be a bit apprehensive about a child starting school and worried about missing them but seems odd and a bit unhealthy to frame it in such negative terms.

You say she should be at home with you/at Disneyland not at school: it sounds like you want to infantilise her and keep her in developmental aspic. Children grow and find their place in the world and learn and school is a really important part of that. Framing this in such a “scared” way doesn’t send her a great message: it says to her: “the world is a frightening place and your place is in the home with family”.

She needs to develop curiosity, confidence, bravery and resilience. With respect, your current mindset won’t help her with any of this.

Have you tried talking to the GP about how you feel? I feel counselling might help you put it in perspective. You do need to get a grip on it.

My dd started reception a few weeks ago and I was exactly the same as you (even with a new baby at home)! She never went to nursery either, I was worried that would affect her settling in (because people love to tell you that “socialising” them at nursery is essential) but instinctually I knew being with me was the best place for her. She is enjoying school, making friends and is doing amazing, I’m very proudI still miss her though, even though I’m happy we have got her into a lovely school!

I remember watching CBeebies “time for school” with dd1 when I was pregnant with my dd2 and feeling so emotional realising it was nearly time for her to start! (It’s a great show to prepare them by the way.)

you're not alone op, and there’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t know why people try to tell you that you’re going to ruin it for them or making it all about you, obviously you’re not telling your dd your worries. She will be fine - and you will too.

Just to respond to a few of the points people have raised.

On interaction with other children: my daughter gets plenty of it. We do regular playdates, she makes friends at playgrounds, and I have lots of friends with kids, so we do joint days out and even holidays together. From that side of things I’m really not worried — she’s well socialised and happy.

On nursery: we did try. She had a couple of months to settle in, but she absolutely hated it. At that point I just didn’t see the point in making her miserable.

On the “privilege” comments: yes, I do appreciate that we’ve been lucky to do nice things. I acknowledged that in my original post. But I don’t think people should only post here if they have zero privilege in their life — I have as much right to share my worries as anyone else.

On Disneyland and trips: Even if she won’t remember going at 4 or 3 or 2, she had a brilliant time in the moment — and that’s the whole point. I had a wonderful time with her too. And actually, I do remember some things from when I was around 4 myself, so it’s not impossible. But even if she didn’t remember every detail, by that logic we’d never take kids anywhere, never do anything nice with them, never let them spend time with family — we’d just feed them and put them to bed. That doesn’t make sense to me. The way I see it, those happy experiences still matter, even if the memories don’t last forever — and besides, it just gives us an excuse to go again.

I find it odd when people say ‘they won’t remember it’ too OP. Maybe they won’t, but your early years shape who you are as a person. They won’t remember going to the playground, or to the farm to feed the animals, or the vast majority of the things we do with them as babies/toddlers, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do them. I took mine to Disneyland Paris when they were 3 and 2. The older one remembers it, the younger one doesn’t. I remember it though, and we had a great time 😁.