Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

I was thinking exactly the same!

I feel for you and some of theses comments are harsh. But at the end of the day probably neither of you are happy enough,, so you should follow your heart, you should be happier in the long run and respect yourself more. Maybe counselling will help though for you both to clarify your feelings for the sake of your little boy.. Good luck

do you talk about his PTSD, do you try to help, to be sympathetic to understand the effects PTSD can have in a person?
As a sufferer of PTSD myself I know that it can be a seemingly impossible pit to climb out of and frustration can lead to what appears to be anger to those who don't get it.

As a fellow PTSD sufferer, I’m sure you also know the only person who can do anything is the sufferer. And the person who is the least able ‘to help’ is their partner - too close.
And yes to the anger, frustration etc…
And yes it’s even harder when your partner triggers you.
But it would be also unreasonnable to ask said partner to change who they are so they don’t trigger you.
Like my dh stimming triggers my PTSD. Shall I tell him to stop being autistic or stop stimming? The heck I’m not. That’s who he is. Hes always been like that.

Accomodation and understanding should always be a given.
It doesn’t mean that when it doesn’t work, it’s the person wo PTSD that’s failing to accommodate. It might simply be thats who they are, their needs are incompatible . And that’s ok to say wo shaming the partner.

Have you considered that your partner might be undiagnosed autistic? Some of his traits seem to chime. If so, you might both find diagnosis a relief. On a general level, I'd strongly suggest couples therapy before you make any decisions. It's important to understand where you're both coming from, and why you react as you do.

To have a clear cut answer, put it this way,
If your partner, didn't have money, wasn't financially stable, would you want to be with him?

Forget his good points, like being a good dad. Put all that to one side.

If he wasn't working and didn't have any money, would you want to be with him?
If you didnt have a child together, would you want to be with him?

Could have written this myself except I’m 29 and he’s 43 so we have the same age gap. We also have 3 kids. Our relationship is v up and down and everyone who knows us knows this. I’d love to break free of him but honestly I just can’t. Not married, and financially I’d be screwed without him. You’ve only got 1 child with him so my advice would just be to get out before you have anymore with him, I love all my kids to death and don’t regret them but I should’ve known after 1 child that having more wouldn’t fix the problems we already had.

It's not easy having a relationship with someone with PTSD especially if they take it out on you. Or at least don't adequately acknowledge they are going to have a short fuse.

I think its not a case of are you are or you not being unreasonable so my vote was reluctantly cast for you are....because this situation is far more complex.

First I would ask you to consider the outrageous concept that emotional happiness or excitement is neither a right nor a guarantee in life, least so in terms of the feel good emotions that are paired with falling in love with someone. These are inherently short lived unless fed deliberately with actions as well as words which takes commitment to put in actual effort regardless of how you feel at any given time. Without both parties being prepared to put their love into action, the emotional bond won't evolve from the in love part to the far deeper friendship and whole person love that couples who are happily married for many years achieve.
You can't change the age difference but try and think, what if it was the other way round, he was 14 years your junior, what would be your insecurities in that area, perhaps that has an impact on how he responds and deals with his emotional challenges.
Some of the most loving and solid couples have bickering, even rages, moments that make them not proud of their behaviour, thats all part of being human and short of marrying an alien you have to make allowances for human failings both your own and your partners. It doesn't mean the love has gone to have a fight, it means you've got some issues with communicating your emotions and opinions in a way that eachother can respond to positively. That is something that can be taught and learned.
From what you have said it seems that plans for each others wellbeing and security have been made, thats love in action right there. So is you asking for advice in what to do when faced with difficult situations not just about your emotional feelings but about his mental health issues, which obviously are a significant factor. Reaching out is also love in action. You are both in this process of developing your love for each other from what it was during the in love phase to what it could be in the lifetime soul mate phase. Like any journey, sometimes there are bumps, crashes, wheels come off......and sometime we give up. But remember this, be kind, be forgiving, to yourself and your partner, remember what brought you together, remember the child you created and adore together. Realise what you mean to each others lives practically as well as emotionally together. This comes from someone who lost the chance to grow old with my husband, who's child lost her father at a young age and who has many regrets over how the last years of our time together on this earth played out before he passed.

Anger from a legitimate mental illness that she aggravates by being sarcastic for no reason.

You sound awful. Hes older and thats an embarassing problem for you.. but the age difference has always been this big. And you chose to have a baby with him.

Sounds like youre making nasty barbed comments and pretending its just "how you are", its not your personality, its not funny, its not sarcasm. Its you generating resentment. But then debating staying for all his security and money and inheritance, like youre doing him a favour?

Sounds like the one who should be embarrassed about their choice of DP is him

So the only thing that has really changed is that he has hit a particular age milestone.
This is the sort of thing that should really be resolved by counselling or couples therapy.
Am quite shocked that there all these cheerleaders for leaving with the excuse that he will 'find someone else who loves him', particularly as you have a 3 year old. If folk are as fickle as this then almost all long term relationships would be doomed.

Sad that you're embarrassed by your partner because of age. ffs! You def have issues, as seen by this and your sarcasm.

First examine your own behaviour before slagging him.

Why is his age an issue? I am 11 years older than my husband. Age doesn’t matter. Get a grip

Yes & also it's imperative to remember Sarcasm actually comes from the Greek Word Sarkasmos, which means to tear flesh 😢So being consistently sarcastic is not so innocent at all

You need couples therapy and to work on it. As you have a child together, I would marry him and secure yourself financially and try your hardest to make it work.

If it doesn't work out later down the line, at least you and your child will be financially safe and secure.

It's sad to read that you're so ashamed by his age - I don't understand that bit at all.

Well, it’s no picnic for him either. A sarky fiancée who doesn’t want to be with him other than for financial security!

Well, I think many many couples are together not because they are a perfect match, but because they have been together for some time or because - like you say, practical reasons. That is perfectly reasonable, for you, as a woman to think about you and your son. All other animals do the same, they look for a good male! Sorry to be blunt but if he was unemployed and laying around in his jogging bottoms he wouldn't have been a serious father and husband for you.

I say if it's not too awful, then stay for now, if he is a good father and that way your son will have a positive experience. That said if your relationship starts to become too difficult for you, then I'd say go sooner rather than later. My brother left his wife when one son was 11 and the other 13. I think if they are little they don't know any different. Are you able to postpone the wedding and buy yourself time?

I have to walk on eggshells a bit with my partner and it does actually lead to anxiety. You start to wonder if anything you say might set them off!

Yes. My sister is a single mother and I see how much hard work it is. She has to ask favours all the time of my parents and occasionally other mothers. It's definitely not for the faint hearted!

Couples Therapy?, but I think you'll say he won't open up and get defensive.
Start making plans to leave him hidden savings account, you dont have to follow it through, but its nice to have a back up plan.

Trust me, dont stay.
Dont get into ANY relationship. Start planning. Own private bank account. Put as much away as you can.
go with your gut. x

Sounds as though you're only staying because you enjoy the good life with him paying for everything, nice house etc. You should be embarrassed with yourself. You obviously love the lifestyle perks more than him, so let him go and find someone who actually appreciates him.

You don’t sound like you love him. If he didn’t provide financially for you what would you do? As you has spoken a lot about your security in your post. Also your child will pick up something isn’t right - kids always do. Personally, I’d go to see a counsellor on your own - to help you feel your way through this. Take care 💙

'sharp, dry sense of humour'.
I highly doubt that.
Have you ever heard the saying "sarcasm is the lowest form of wit"?

Sounds like even after 7 years you both don’t really know or understand each other. If you google ‘36 questions to fall in love’ & ‘questions to build intimacy’ it’ll give you some idea of how people build connections with each other. These questions get beneath the surface & help you to see new layers of each other & in a new light. Don’t give up just yet & good luck!