Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

Sooooo difficult, alot of women put up and shut up for the sake of the kids, and also unfortunately Because they cant afford to get out… then they find they,re old and tired and ill and then what? .., x good luck whatever decision you make x

If you can't talk through your issues without one of you flying off the handle, considering relationship counselling. If you are just staying for the financial stability and have tried to work it out then go & live with your Mum. Do not get married unless you know you want to spend the rest of your life together. Divorce is expensive & destructive to both sides. Be kind to each other.

It's not an age problem. It's a compatibility problem.

My sibling and I are both children of an unhappy marriage where our mother solely stayed for financial reasons. You'd be amazed how much children pick up on. Our parents tried to avoid arguing in front of us but we actually asked them to split up when I was about 10 years old and my brother was 9. My mom refused because she was worried about losing the house and financial security, but honestly it was not a happy childhood for us, and now both of them are unhappy still but feel they are trapped in their marriage.

As far as I see it, you only live once, why spend your life with someone you aren't in love or happy with? And as for him, why not let him have the opportunity to find someone who does love him? Most of all, think of your son. He may be happy now, but how long until he starts to see your partner's temper flare? It's not a good environment for him to grow up in either, you all deserve better, and it makes sense to do it now rather than when the marriage aspect makes it that much more complex.

It's funny but I wondered if the abuse was the other way, it sounds like the OP is financially and in some way emotionally abusing her partner.
OP did you plan to have child with partner? How long were you together before you did have him?
You may feel you have a lot to gain materialistically and financially by staying but 47 is not that old, you could have 40+ years together.
You can't guarantee your health due to being younger either, that was something I always did until I had a serious scare. Just think if you will grow to regret the life you are living and resent your partner, if so, get out asap and hopefully you can both find happiness.

I've been in a relationship like like for many many years. I've been well looked after and he is my rock in many ways... He loves me dearly.... But, we are not really very compatible... Very like the op has described... If you're gonna stay you will have to adapt to his way of thinking more.... If you don't think you can then leave... For your sake and the child's.

This is a case of incompatibility at its best.... My partner is not my best friend.... I get no emotional support.... He really doesn't understand me.
If I'd understood better all those years ago I wouldn't be where I am today.... sometimes very unhappy.

It's nobody's fault..... But it will never work so if you want to laugh and enjoy your life you need to make a new one.

Good luck..

As someone has already pointed out the 7 year itch is actually a thing. I remember feeling that way 7 years into an 18 year marriage . I grew to love my husband more and more and we were mostly happy .
You Have made a trade off, an older man for financial stability, a nice life and a good father for your child/ children.
Try to embrace your decision, see how it goes , consciously look for the positives in your DH , be loving and caring and kind and see that come back to you . If it doesn’t then rethink your position, but give it everything you have first .
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders . Try to make it work .

Notavailabletryanotherone1 · Today 18:33
As someone has already pointed out the 7 year itch is actually a thing. I remember feeling that way 7 years into an 18 year marriage . I grew to love my husband more and more and we were mostly happy .
You Have made a trade off, an older man for financial stability, a nice life and a good father for your child/ children.
Try to embrace your decision, see how it goes , consciously look for the positives in your DH , be loving and caring and kind and see that come back to you . If it doesn’t then rethink your position, but give it everything you have first .
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders . Try to make it work .

Because she clearly doesn’t love him, it’s questionable whether she even likes him, but is staying because of the lifestyle he affords her.

It’s not one way though, it sounds like OPs behaviour is making subtle digs and also just using him as a cash cow. Staying together for the child is such a flawed reality because a child will be happiest with two happy parents, it might just be a journey to get there. Growing up in a house with bickering parents where the love isn’t mutual is not a happy existence, it’s probably fine now because he’s only three.

I was in the same predicament. I was with a man who gave me a comfortable life but no longer made me happy and we were arguing more and more. I left him and it was the best thing I ever did. It was financially difficult until I got back on my feet but I met someone else and have never been happier. I dont have the fancy holidays I used to but that doesnt matter because my partner and I enjoy the simple things together and the luxuries mean nothing when you're with the wrong person. Don't sacrifice happiness for a life of mundaneity. There will be challenges as you both get older and possible health problems. Ask yourself, is this the person I want to grow old with and possibly have to care for at some stage or will I feel resentment?

You say you loved him so much you overlooked his age at the beginning of the relationship. Can you remember what it was you loved so much about him? There's not much hint of it in your post. It's hard to know if there's a way back for the two of you without knowing what made it work in the first place.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you hadn't said the thing about loving him "so much" back then, I would have assumed you settled for this man because you wanted a child.

I have been in a similar situation (as a man) and trust me he knows what you're feeling. Do both of you a favour and finish it. I stuck around far too long hoping things would change and they never did. We get on better now as friends but I'm a bit annoyed at the fact that we should have ended it a good 10 years before we did because I'm now in the situation where I'm basically redundant in the world of dating because of my age (I'm 62) and nobody is interested. There's a lot of truth in the saying that 'familiarity breeds contempt' and also 'no fool like an old fool'. End it now before it's too late for him to find happiness with someone else.

If you want your son to grow up thinking this level of toxicity is what relationships are supposed to be like, go ahead. Personally, I would want my son to grow up with people who love each other to show him how it’s done. You could be in a relationship with someone you love and his father could be in a relationship with someone he loves and your son would learn how it’s supposed to be.

Yeah, sounds like you have a lot of insecurities going in there regarding the age difference, that's never changed though.
PTSD is complicated and a horrible thing to have to deal with for all in a such a relationship, do you talk about his PTSD, do you try to help, to be sympathetic to understand the effects PTSD can have in a person?
As a sufferer of PTSD myself I know that it can be a seemingly impossible pit to climb out of and frustration can lead to what appears to be anger to those who don't get it.
Pretty shameful hanging on to a relationship that you appear to be in purely for financial support.

You sound completely incompatible and it’s like you’re only with him because he’s your cashpoint but you don’t actually like or respect him.

When I say I’m sarcastic, I’m not sure why people think I’m making horrible, snide comments to him. I have a sharp, dry sense of humour yes but it’s not nasty

Sarcasm can often come across as nasty. The same applies to the "sharp, dry sense of humour". You think it's funny and he doesn't. It's obvious that he finds the comments hurtful so you should stop. That does not excuse him flying off the handle but I don't know why you would keep doing something that your partner obviously doesn't like and finds upsetting.

You don't love him so you should leave him and give him the chance to find someone better suited to him. Staying for the money is awful and that's why some people have mentioned money grabbing.
Leave him and apply for child maintenance.

To be completely honest, I think if you showed him this post, he would make the decision and break up with you.

I have had ex-partner who was always jabbing at me and made 'jokes' at my expense and accused me of the very things he was doing. Over the years I became very insecure and sensitive to his comments until the relationship broke down because of his abuse eventually leaving me a single mum of 5 children. Sure it was really hard first few weeks with intense emotional blackmail by him to give him one more chance. However that was also when my children and I have calmed down immensely and because of this I decided not to take him back.
I eventually found another partner who was different to the first one but because of malicious allegations against him by children father we grew apart. We still maintain civil relationship with the second one who continues to see my children (their father is not allowed at the moment due to Family Court Proceedings). I wish things worked out for me with the second one but because of the issues with the first (repeated malicious allegations and welfare reports) the strain became too much. I could have stayed but was very unhappy and this set up works better for us as a family. It was and sometimes still is hard but since I am more relaxed and regulated so are my children. I didn't hate my second partner but stopped having feelings for him because of him pulling away.
My advice to you would be seek therapy and Freedom Programme because sometimes we do not see abuse until we detach (possibly from either of you). Once you figure it out for yourself what you dealing with and what you want to do make your decision but until then you need to cut out sarcasm if you want to have a chance at saving this relationship. You both have different sensitivity levels and possibly unknowingly you might be opening some deep wounds for him. Only you know what the relationship really is and whether you see any future in it (I didn't with my second partner and the idea of growing old with him made me very uncomfortable. Few years prior to this I would not have issue but I have healed and grown and he stayed the same and also distanced himself. I asked him to seek support and had multiple conversations but nothing changed for nearly 2 years and I realized how lonely and unsupported I was in that relationship. He did provide financially to and extent but there was no emotional warmth and closeness anymore and it made me pull away too- maybe that is the same for you both and you really need to face it and make the right choice for you and your son. By staying you risking exposing him to conflict escalating if you do not make amends and potentially changes).

It will only get worse as he gets older. By then you’ll be even more stuck.

You’re not happy
At the very least, you don’t sound compatible. He has PTSD that he usnt managing well (saying that as someone who has PTSD). Your way of being triggers him but it somehow is becoming your fault.

With those two things, I wouldn’t recommend marriage.

Whether it’s salvageable is hard to say. But if you’re at tge stage where you’re hiding his age etc… I think it’s too late.

You can get married ofc. But apart from getting half of his pension, half of the house etc… and a few more years of unhappiness, I’m not sure what’s the point.

I think from your post you are the problem in this relationship. Do the right thing get some morals and leave him so he can find someone who isn’t embarrassed of his age and makes sly digs and masks it as sarcasm! I’m a highly sarcastic person but that doesn’t sound like sarcasm at all!

Sorry but you do sound awful. Really awful, actually. I feel so sorry for him.

It sounds like all that matters to you is his money and what he can do for you.
You have not once mentioned anything else about this man besides his age being a problem to you (you lying about that to your colleagues is already a red flag); his ptsd which you are triggering; and his money.
Frankly, it sounds like you don't even like him. You responded to a comment here about you wanting him to live so your son can have a father. Nothing about you wanting him to live so you can have a partner, or more importantly, you wanting him to live because you do not want anything bad to happen to your partner - like any decent person would. You clearly do not care about this man and dare i say, you don't even see him as a person - just a wallet.
If it's this obvious from just a few of your comments on here; you may think your comments to him are funny or lighthearted but your true feelings are probably showing through and he probably senses it. Hence the defensiveness.
What to do: Be kind and do not lead him on. Set him free so he can be with someone who actually loved him for him, and not just for what he provides.
Make and pay your own way.

I was in a relationship where he was 11 years older than me. At the start it really didn't bother me. However as the years went by it became more obvious. Now am 45 & hes 56 and its a huge gap!

I was also unhappy and its honestly not fair on with either of you. It took me a year to tell my ex how I felt and yes it wasn't easy with two kids. But I have made it work. Am now with someone 7 years younger than me and couldn't be happier.

i was you 8 years ago.

i left him.