Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

I find sarcastic people very difficult to deal with.

I grew up with a very sarcastic father and he would gaslight me all the time if I became hurt by his words and would tell me he was only joking and I was too sensitive. I used to question myself all the time. It's really not a nice personality trait.

You also seem to make out that 50 is one foot in the grave. Seems he can't do anything right in your eyes other than be a good father. Let him go, hopefully he can find someone new and you can find someone with a similar personality to your own. You do not seem compatible at all and you are just going to resent him as soon as he gets to 50 and beyond.

I think you probably need to talk to a counsellor and work through how you feel first. As it stands you shouldn't be marrying him but getting embarrassed by his age is pretty immature imo so maybe work out where that is coming from.

Sounds like you became involved for money and security but can't now face the reality of life with this man.

My DH is considerably older than me, he's my best friend and soul mate but even I find the age gap difficult at times. When you are in your 40s he'll be slowing down and approaching retirement. You'll be aiming for the peak if your career and he'll be talking about the garden and fishing. ED might rear it's ugly head (for want if a better phrase).

My opinion is that you only get one life, there are no second chances, so you need this one to be the happiest it can be. Maybe get some counselling so that you can get things clearer in your own mind but honestly, a relationship of walking on eggshells and sarcasm doesn't sound happy at all.

My brother is very sarcastic. His emails to me are full of remarks about how I can't cook, can't navigate, don't know about politics etc. I know it is sarcasm and he's trying to be amusing - he's like that about everything. We get on pretty well on the whole I used to just brush off the sarcasm but after years of it, it's wearing and makes me angry. I understand how your partner feels.

A fair bit of that anger seems to be provoked by the OP's "sarcasm". Having said that I agree the relationship is toxic and it's probably in everyone's best interests to end it.

People have made an awful lot of assumptions which are very wrong. I am in no way ‘waiting for him to die’ to get money and the house. I mentioned the life insurance to demonstrate the fact that he wants us to be looked after when he isn’t here as he knows he is older. I didn’t ask him to do it, I never would have even thought about it. He wanted to have it. If we split up he couldn’t afford the house either on his own. Our son goes to nursery four days a week which I pay for myself. I work four days a week and I pay half of the mortgage. His PTSD didn’t present at the start of our relationship, it has been triggered more recently. He had counselling for it and takes medication. This has improved things but it’s obviously still there. The argument about the suitcase was before he was diagnosed. Of course I’m not deliberately trying to trigger him. Since finding out about the diagnosis and his triggers I do try to be careful with my humour. When I say I’m sarcastic, I’m not sure why people think I’m making horrible, snide comments to him. I have a sharp, dry sense of humour yes but it’s not nasty.

I have a sharp, dry sense of humour yes but it’s not nasty.

The person on the receiving end of your sarcastic humour is the one who decides if it’s nasty not you.

You don't love him.or even like him much. You are only 33 too so what is the point of staying with him. Imagine how you will feel when hes 60 if you feel this when hes 47! You will loathe him by then and your son will pick up on it. Mych better to be happy and single than in a relationship where you are unhappy. Leave him. Move back to your parents. Sell the house then you can both start over again separately.

Whatever you do please use paragraphs. Wall of texts are painful on the eye.

This. 💯 🙄

I'd leave, because it does sound toxic and abusive (the verbal abuse still is that regardless of the cause (eg "illness made me do it")). You can't be yourself around him, which is toxic as all hell TBH, nobody can live healthily in a constant state of self censorship and walking on eggshells.

He doesn't actually love you, he loves the person he wishes you were. The one who isn't sarcastic, the one who never questions him, you know...the one who doesn't exist. You don't love him either. You love feeling looked after and protected (financially anyway, you're certainly not being protected from his temper!).

You could stay and play nice for now but it won't last. You sound a few months away from getting the ick, a few months more from getting resentful that you're having sex with someone you don't really fancy or even like much, because he has a nasty temper and he's heading into old man territory when you'll have barely even turned 35. Marrying him will make you feel so trapped, because you are (whilst you stay with him) and marriage will cement that.

So you've a choice to make. Who do you want to be?
One step up from a prostitute (that's how I consider gold diggers, which is what you're talking about being), doing whatever it takes to keep the cash flowing in, financially cushioned from life's realties by someone older who embarrasses you by existing and in this case has a less desirable personality.
Or are you going to be someone who lives life on your own terms, experiences the freedom to be yourself and be completely responsible for yourself.

I'm not particularly motivated by money (and I'm not well off, so it isn't that) so it's a no-brainer for me. I'll always choose happiness and freedom, whatever form that takes.

Another awful against post.

Meanwhile plenty of people are enjoying age gap relationships.

Perhaps he's not the person for you.

I've also had dates like this where the other person arrives angry after finishing work and just has an overall bad vibe around them. They're supposed to be on their best behaviour on a first date. If it's not enjoyable to me I won't see them again. Why would I? Why would anyone? You have (and should have) the right to reject any man for any reason. Sulking, being manipulative on a first date like this guy was with you while you trying to politely get out of there to never see the person again is an awful situation to be stuck in as a woman. Please remember you don't even owe people politeness really. If you decide you don't want to be there anymore/it's not going to go further you can stand up at any point in time and say you have to go now, walk away and continue walking no matter what he says or does out of the door and block him on whatever you've used to communicate up until now. Get to a different location and call a taxi from there. Just remind yourself if you weren't friends beforehand this person is literally a stranger... This is partly why I couldn't be bothered to 'date' in that sense anymore and probably wouldn't again if my current relationship didn't work out.

Sounds like your only with him because he makes you financially secure!
You could have another 50 years feeling like this. Leave if your not happy or ashamed to be with an older man.

Why are you with him? Is it the money? The idea of future financial stability that's keeping you there? It sounds like you said you don't love him, and ypu are letting him know, right? I imagine he's picked up on it. Why does the age bother you? I ask because you mentioned that you loe about it? Why? What's the hang up? Fear of being alone? If you don't love someone, why are you with him? Financial security could be better off if you came out and asked for a sugar daddy instead of hiding behind the man you are with? Are you embarrassed by him? Why? You need to explore within yourself what the problem is with yourself because this sounds like a you problem. People who stay when there is no love, makes no sense. Why stay and be miserable? Leave, find a job and figure out how to coparent if you don't love him. If you do love him yet are embarrassed by him, are you really in love? Sounds like you have to figure yourself out. Maybe by talking to a therapist you can figure out what's going on with yourself and thar will allow you to move forward confident in your decision. There is no shame in being single, and allowing him to move on to look for someone who can love him back and for you to find someone you are comfortable with.

He knows theres an issue, your jokey comments probably dont come across that way to him
He also likely knows if it wasnt for the child you share you would have long gone.
Dont sugar coat it you are staying for the money and the nice life. And the better life for your child ( so you think) hopefully thats the case and your child doesnt pick up on the snide comments and tension as they grow up
Sometimes a relationship just doesnt work and 2 parents raising a child separately is the better option long term for the child

It's interesting you start your post with how you know this is gonna to make you sound awful , that tells me you are fully aware of your true feelings about this man aren't great and your with him for the wrong reasons.
It screams out that this is all about not fancying him and falling out of love because you suggest hes old at 50yrs! ...please, come on thats not old ...its excuses and unfortunately you are showing your mentally immature for a grown up and a mother.
You dont want to leave because finically you know your on a winner and hes a good provider for you and your child .
The child will pick up on the atmosphere wether you think they do or not they will 100% be aware of tension between the parents, this isn't nice .
You say he doesn't get your sarcastic comments and you play them down , Sadly being sarcastic is passive aggressive behaviour and shows your frustration with him....its time to get real and either move out and start again allowing both of you to find a better life or you both go to relationship counselling and discuss all your options/issues and show the honesty you have here to us all reading and see if your able to rebuild the reason you both got together.
...It's not going to get better only worse.....and more toxic...
You will both end up hating each other.

He sounds very mentally unstable, OP, I could not live with him like that. You're living on eggshells, your son is bound to pick up on the uncomfortable and scared atmosphere sooner or later. I think you need to have a long talk with him and tell him you don't feel you can be yourself with him, that he is squashing your spirit and making you change who you are. That he makes you feel afraid and you want him to get therapy before you marry. DON'T enter a marriage with him until he's had help. Your son's only 3, that's a heck of a long time to stay 'for the sake of the kid' and be miserable and walking on eggshells. PS, the age gap has nothing to do with it, your partner is just unstable, volatile, and needs help. If you can't sit down and talk to him, write him a long letter with all your thoughts and fears and feelings in it.

You can’t help the way you feel, and in an ideal world you’d be madly in love with him and live happy ever after. The thing with indifference is that it turns to resentment after a while, it sound like he just doesn’t get your sense of humour so you’re not aligned in that way. You shouldn’t have to mask your personality to avoid an argument, you need to be able to be yourself or you’ll loose yourself.
Whilst I understand your reasons for staying (they are important considerations) however happy mum happy child…
everyone including you and your fiance deserves to be ‘in love’ whether that be together or with other people.
it sounds like he is quite highly strung, men don’t tend to talk about personal things. Maybe you could try couples counselling and see how that goes? x

I think I’ve probably responded to the wrong person … sorry I’m rubbish

This is nothing to do with his age… you just don’t love him.
Leave and allow him to find someone that will. Nobody deserves to be a relationship where they are not loved and respected.

As someone who has been here.... leave. You dont know happy and free you will feel right now but the size of the house will not compare to the weight being lifted. Your child will grow up in a happier, less stressed environment too

All I would say to you is.... Embrace what you have if he looks after you as the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I think you are incompatible; Your 'I'm sarcastic' (which can easily put peoples' backs up) to his hyper sensitive, defensive nature sounds like a recipe for disaster. It does sound like a potentially toxic relationship.

You sound as though you don't like him much and he is probably picking up on this. In what way was your comment about the suitcase in any way funny? You should leave him so he can find someone else.