My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

Good for her. When DP and I marry I will keep my name. Future children will have my name.

Good for her. When DP and I marry I will keep my name. Future children will have my name.

He sounds unpleasant or not very bright and she is right to be wary of him.

Neither of them sound committed. Poor baby.

💯 correct analysis.

Alln9f his 'friends' need to mind their own.

Good for her for sticking up for herself.

You lot sound like a NIGHTMARE.

What rights do they think he should have? He can’t even do the birth certificate without her being there

but she is right isn’t she he now wants certain things to happen, things that would automatically come with marriage that he didn’t want before

Team pregnant girlfriend.

Her boyfriend is a sexist dick.

Good for her. She's done the sensible thing

She may have been asking him to get married for ages and he’s refused so why would she want to marry him now? When it is just about the name.
I also think baby should have mums name if parents aren’t married.
my kids have my name - my partner didn’t want to get married but didn’t have a problem with it at all.
I just wanted the same name as my children.
I don’t know why the men are all shocked and surprised- they don’t want to commit to marriage but passing on their family name is important??? It’s just all talk and ego.

This.

@Witchywishy why is it such a disaster for his friend that the child he wasnt fussed about should have a different surname?

Would you say that to him if she had wanted an abortion? That she's 'not committed to the idea of a baby' and therefore deserves to be dumped?

The woman's right to choose doesn't mean that everyone has to blindly agree and can have no different opinion.

She only needs to be committed to the baby.

Why are all the friends so opinionated and invested in something that is none of their business?

The men in the group are all pretty horrified.

Because they take for granted a world where they are centred.

They are both right and wrong.

None of them is really commited to the relationship. Not sure why posters are specifically blaming him, she didn't propose either.

He has the right not to want children at this point, she has the right to want to keep the child. If he didn't want a child, he could have taken measures so it didn't happen.

They are both entitled to give their name to the child and decide jointly on that name. Not one over the other. Saying she is right to stick to her gun because millions of children take their dad's name by default isn't defending equality or parity.
That's the only reason I think she is less committed and reasonable here. Double-barrelled is the option, which is apparently refusing to consider. She has no consideration for the dad, and ultimately it's the child that will suffer.

I suspect she doesn't entirely trust him because he initially didn't want the baby. I'm not sure if I could move on from that at all to be honest, a man reluctantly becoming a father is a bad start.

i appreciate men are in a difficult and powerless limbo in early pregnancy, someone else's decision will dominate their lives and they are expected to not have any views of their own. They have to accept the other person's decision without hesitation and are criticised for reacting emotionally. If the woman wanted to terminate and he expressed disappointment he'd be labeled a controlling monster. The reverse has happened here, she chose the baby and now he is in the wrong for not wanting that all along. He isn't a bad person for that, however having a different view to your partner, whatever that view may be, is a very rocky start to parenthood

Those poor men not being able to browbeat a woman into doing what they want

He didn’t want to marry her prior to the pregnancy, he wanted her to terminate the pregnancy but now that he’s on board he thinks the baby should have his name?
If that is correct I can see why she isn’t bothered about getting married now or giving the baby his name…
If he’s that concerned about matching he can change his surname via deed poll, a close relative did that as they didn’t want to get married but wanted them to have the same names within the family unit. They changed it to the ‘nicer’ surname out of the pair, as they weren’t fussed about their own surname, it being their dads name who left when they were a small child…

Another thinking good for her! She knows him, their relationship better than the rest of you, I would imagine.

She is having a baby because she wants one. His motivations are something else, it appears. More like ownership?!?!

He hasn't really done himself any favours, has he?

Ah well!

Good on her

If they still wnt to get married when baby is say a year or so he can ask his partner again. Names can always be changed later

If he wants the same name, he can change his.

I’m with her. He didn’t want to baby to begin with.
and if they do get married later down the line for the right reasons, he could always take her name

She's being sensible in my view.

DSis and many other single parents who weren't married end up with kids haven't differnet names and doing all the parenting and surpsingly in this day and age it can cause frustrations with schools and NHS - and I've heard international travel.

I also wouldn't want a propsal that was about him getting his own way and not actually wanting to be with me.

She is right. He is a knob.

he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it
Really? They wont last. He didnt even want the child, she insisted. Who the AF does he think he is!