My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

How do you know her mother took her father’s name? Why is it ok to not give the baby her father’s name but it’s ok to give his father’s name?

Well, she's clearly right about what has triggered the proposal. If she has made her desire to be married clear for a while, and he has chosen to ignore that until now, who can blame her for saying no.

He didn't even want her to keep the baby initially, but now he is insistent that it should bear his name? Sounds like she would be best off without him tbh.

Firstly, you have no idea if her surname is the same as her father's. Even if it is, it is also her name.

Why would you give your child a name from someone who may not be in their life going forward?

Given that he doesn’t sound particularly committed to the idea of a baby, I’m not sure why he would suddenly want to commit to marriage.

Good for her for sticking up for herself (and the baby).

I think he's committed to her, but wasn't looking for a child and that spooked him. There was never any talk of them breaking up, he wanted her to terminate the pregnancy.

That man has some ego!

Hard agree

And your friend proposed 🤢🤢 just to get his surname on there, i judge harshly him for that.

She might still decide she and the baby have her name. He should go with her when she registers the birth and have himself registered as the father. But no need for a shotgun wedding, it's not 1955.

She wants the same name as the baby, so by giving "her father's name" that would be the case. Giving the BF name of double barrelling would mean she had a different name to her child, which is the crux of her argument.

I agree, it doesn't sound like he's very committed. She's made it known she wants to marry but he hasn't proposed until now when he wants the baby to have his name. He also didn't want the baby initially which also suggests a lack of long term commitment to her..

Sounds like she's aware he might not be around in the long run and is making decisions accordingly. I think that's fair enough.

How is her surname “her dad’s” but the father of her child’s name “his”?

The surname of the child sounds like the least of their problems. Also, why are the friends even bothered, let alone “horrified”?

But he wasn't interested in marrying her even though she clearly wanted to marry him?

Until he realised that he couldn't insiston his child carrying his name?

No, her name. My dad's name is his name. My name is my name.

She's absolutely in the right on this.

He wanted her to get rid of the baby initially. Then he decided he was on board with it after all, but he was still perfectly happy to let her go it alone without the protections that marriage would afford. Until the issue of the name came up?

She sounds a sensible woman, and i hope she dumps him.

He's got quite the cheek hasn't he. Gone from "wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it" to being adamant "it" must have his name. The entitlement.

It's very sad that you don't see the misogyny inherent in this post.

Why on earth would you say that a man's name (which he has probably inherited from his father) is his name, but a woman's name (which she too has probably inherited from her father) is somehow not her name? Do you honestly not see how incredibly fucked up your thinking is?

If he is that committed, why aren't they already married?

Why is the thought of a baby with someone you are supposedly committed to so horrifying?

Are they young?
Haven't known each other long?

Well I wasn't married to DH when we had the kids and they have my surname. When we married I wasn't mucking about changing their names so DH took mine.

He has bigger problems than a name. If he didn't want her to get pregnant, he should have made sure that contraception was in his hands. I bet you he 'doesn't like the feel of' condoms or some juvenile crap like that.

Good for her and very sensible. It's logical that children have the same surname as their mother. If the relationship doesn't last the mother is far more likely to be the one living with the child, holidaying with them, taking them to the doctor/dentist/school.

Well done her. It’s actually tradition in the UK when unmarried that the child takes the mothers surname.

Sounds like she's right then. She was obviously dropping hints talking about changing her name.

She sounds like she needs to protect herself and the baby for the future. He had his chance to propose pre pregnancy, and I should imagine not being on board initially has unnerved the gf. Rightly so.

He has bigger things that he should be worried about than a surname - sounds like he’s a bit of a dick to make an issue of it

DS has my surname (from my ex husband who insisted I change my surname after marriage.) Now it's MY name and I've kept it, so DS has the same surname as me. Considering his father has only seen DS five times in 14 months I think I made the right call. His name is a bit of a mouthful (eight syllables including his two middle names) but oh well. 😁

Team girlfriend.