My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

Most men are takers by nature and upbringing. Alas.

She sounds awful and he sounds manipulative. Sorry op.
I really hope, for the sake of the kid, that they both get their heads screwed on properly and behave like adults, without trying to manipulate the other or shut the other out.

She's exactly right. A crappy proposal when she's pregnant as part of the name negotiation. Why did he assume his name would be passed down? If they do get married are they 'as a couple' going to discuss if they will both keep their names, change to his, change to hers or both double barrell?

What about her sounds awful exactly?

How does she sound awful? She wants her child to have her name, and she won't be manipulated into marriage. What's awful about either of those things?

What’s awful about her, I think she sounds fantastic. She’s wanting to keep the child, isn’t going to marry this fool just so he can give the baby his name, is self sufficient and doesn’t need him financially and understands his short comings so is protecting her and the child by giving them her name. What exactly is awful about this woman protecting her and her child?

I’m sad that’s your experience, but it is not mine.

Good for her. My DD has my name for the same reason - and it has made life much simpler as we’re no longer together.

our compromise position was that his surname is a second middle name but not double barrelled - so she is Hyacinth Begonia Hisname Myname. Makes things easier for travel abroad as he carries her birth certificate so it shows a connection.

I don't know that any of the women in our group "need" the men. We definitely aren't the cohort that couldn't afford to leave if we wanted to. She's absolutely dotty about him, but I'd say comfortably earns 6 figures and was doing absolutely fine before they met.

I don't know that if she "needed" him and was making decisions on names not because she wanted to, but because she was after financial support that would be ok. That would seem quite coercive to me?

I think he's more clueless than manipulative. She said the baby wouldn't have his name unless they were married, so he said let's get married then... Not really getting that that kind of proposal isn't likely to sweep most women off their feet.

Not sure any of us think she is awful at all. We want to see our friend happy, which in the most part he's delighted. The men were more shocked that he had no real say. I personally think she's lovely and handling it all well.

So she is forty and he is older and he didn’t want to be a dad now but wait a couple of years. So basically he wanted kids with his next partner, not her. He didn’t want this child or to marry her until he thinks he can offer it as a prize to manipulate her. Thank goodness that she is sticking to her guns.

You mention her name is difficult to pronounce and quite long. However most men in the same situation still assume and/or insist that their child will still have their last name.

No, it's her dad's name or the name of her partner's father.

I just mean "need" him in the general relationship sense - for companionship, for emotional and moral support, and not necessarily financial reasons.

Does she she see him as part of the team or not?

I could be getting the wrong end of the stick of course, but to me it sounds like he has no role and no say because his job is done. She is doing the hardworking of nurturing the child even before they're born, therefore that's why the child is hers and should have her name, not his.

They don't sound suited to one another. The resentment will only continue as they can't seem to reach an agreement.

Oh come on, OP, are you deliberately goading? ‘Coercive’ of her to have wanted marriage? Even if partly for financial reasons.

Plenty of women who are high earners pre DC experience the ‘motherhood penalty’.

No, I meant if she was in need of his financial support and that was conditional on the baby sharing his name that would be coercive of him. Nothing she has done is coercive.

Like the finances I think she wants his emotional support and companionship. If she actually NEEDED it and was dependent on it I think his desire for her to terminate the pregnancy initially may have had a different outcome.

To me she showed enormous strength of character to know she didn't have his support and do what was right for her. He wasn't supportive at the start, so if it was something she needed then I think things would have played out differently.

Sounds like a lovely man who probably put pressure on her to abort. Sensible woman.

So he also has no idea of basic biology, if he wants a 40 year old woman to wait an unspecified time and then TTC. what a catch

He has had a say! Having a say doesn’t necessarily mean getting his own way though. Having a say means he got to voice his opinion.
Why should he have more of a say than she does? Remember he didn’t even want this baby.

Thank you! Well, my surname is my ex husband's, but I didn't want to go through the rigmarole of changing everything back. (We're also not divorced, but have been separated since September 2018.)

My ex/DS's sperm donor made a fuss about that ^ in April, nearly nine months after DS was born. He knew the score when we met in September 2022 and was happy to have sex with me, but because I wanted him to pay child maintenance he decided he wanted a DNA test because DS might be my ex husband's! He was asking when and where I last saw my ex husband (when I was pregnant with DS and my ex husband was at work.) My ex had quite an acrimonious divorce from his ex wife and mother of his two older kids, that I was still friendly with my ex husband seems to be alien to him. Oh well. The DNA test was done on Monday and I'm just waiting for the results. 😆

I think she's a fool and should avail herself of the protection marriage provides.

He sounds like his male privilege got an ass kicking couldn't dictate the baby's surname. I think she's smart not marrying him just because a baby is coming and he wants to stamp it with his name. I do think that's his driving motivation and that shows entitlement, to say the least. He's not wanting to marry her for the right reasons plus he's really shown his ass here throughout.

He sounds thick and desperate.

She sounds fantastic.