My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

If I had a baby I would want them to have my last name. Purely because I'm literally the last one left otherwise! No siblings, dad only had a sister who only had sons. So they have their dad's name.

I think a compromise of having an extra middle name before the surname of the fella's name might be a good compromise. So it's there somewhere at least. I think it's a little unfair for one parent to make the decision on names without taking the other's views into account.

Having said that it really isn't that big of a deal, and it's the woman who has to have a pregnancy and give birth and possibly do more childcare. So maybe their opinion should override the man's?

I bet he’s Future Faking with this façade engagement to get his name on the birth certificate. As soon as the baby is here and has his name… “we don’t have enough money for a wedding right now,” “our priority should be a house, not the wedding”, “let’s wait a few years,” etc etc etc. I despise men who Future Fake.

She's right: that is why he proposed, and he wasn't committed to this child. She is right to be wary.

@Redpeach Do women not have surnames on your planet? On this one we do. We can even own property. Shocking, I know.

This one really pisses me off. It's not her dad's name, it's the name SHE was given when she was born, it's her name.
Apart from the baseless assumption her natal surname came from her father rather than mother, it came from one of his parents, then one generation further back, ad infinitum.
It is meaningless to say it's anyone other then her name, and is just you trying to gloss over this highly patriarchal and sexist tradition.

Sorry to rant but this one really grinds my gears

Good for her. She’s bloody sensible. Wish I’d had the same balls as her. I have a child with my exs surname who fucked off before he was 2.

No it's HER NAME. Unless you think the father of the baby also is using his father's name rather than it being his own name.

The woman who is pregnant with a baby wants to share the same surname as the baby she will birth. The man who didn't want her to keep the baby is now having a huff because he wants to mark his territory by giving the baby his surname. As they aren't married and she has sensibly said no she can go and register the baby with any name she likes.

Horrified might have been the wrong word. Perturbed maybe? Their friend really wants the baby to share his name, and they all think this is normal, but have been surprised that he has no say or leverage. I think it's been a real wake-up call and surprise to the guys in the group.

It's why we were discussing it, the men found it very odd, and couldn't find "solutions" for their friend.

very sensible DH , you got a good one !!

Saying he can't win was quite a choice of wording. I know it's a turn of phrase but this is a new future human being discussed - winning doesn't come in to it. Branding the kid with his name isn't a fucking prize.
I would say that anything other than staying unmarried and giving the baby her surname would be a foolish thing for the GF to do. Your friend wanted the baby to be aborted. Nothing about that would say to me this is someone fully commited to being a hands on parent, 24/7, for life. It would say to me that there is a good chance this will all break down and I need to think practically about what that means for me, as the person likely to do most of the parenting.
FWIW I'm always on the side of women retaining their own name on marriage and for the baby to take the mum's name, but espcially in a situation like this.

There is a perfectly simple solution. He stops being a neanderthal and accepts her decision. Obviously, he also needs to support his child going forward.

I'm with her, she doesn't button up the back. Long may that continue.

No, they're older. She's 40 and him a few years on her. She's very well set up financially so hasn't looked at the pregnancy as putting her in a situation where she immediately needs marriage for financial protection. She wanted marriage (we think) but didn't need it.

Its massively patriachal but most of us carry our father's name, that's just how the world works, not saying i agree

and they all think this is normal, but have been surprised that he has no say or leverage.

Are they all married with wives who took on their surnames then?

Do they realise that she can't actually register the baby as his or just change her surname without taking legal steps?

Precisely because they aren't married?

No her name. Had it all her life.

My mum gave me her name. She was right to do so.

I'd have probably have ditched him completely over the lack of enthusiasm for the baby, tbh. Not very supportive and it sounds like he's been a bit of a dick all along. Good on her.

It really reads like people are criticising a woman for HAVING A NAME. Wherever it came from it's still her name. She didn't choose the socially imposed naming system.

Good for her for sticking to her guns! It's often irritated me that children nearly always have their father's surname, even if theirs parents aren't married. The same way that a woman is always assumed to take her husband's surname when they marry. About 20 years ago, when my DD was engaged to be married,she was toying with the idea of keeping her maiden name. To my astonishment,her future MIL told her that it was illegal to keep your maiden name,it was the law that a woman had to take her husband's name! My own DM assured me that this was not the case.

Honestly couldn't have done better if I had written him down on paper. He is an amazing man who puts up with an awful lot. He has supported me financially, emotionally and by doing way more than his fair share of child rearing the last 3 years as I decided to go back to university to train to be a nurse. We've been together nearly 20 years and I am forever grateful for him!

I think men like your friend are fucking lucky they've found a woman to put up with them AND risk their life to have their mutual children, he should be grateful for his circumstances and accept with grace that she is still with him, I would have been gone when he was requesting a termination.

Just get him to change his name by deed poll to her name if he’s that bothered. Why should she be the one to change her name?

NB, we did this. It’s hilarious now he’s remarried and his wife and kids also have my name.

Good for her, but also this poster makes a good point. Even if she married him she could still keep her name (as would the baby). The only difference is that he could "race" her to the registry office and put his name on the certificate without her knowledge. It's a perk of being married.

Good for her and glad she’s seen through his sudden proposal as well.

His clearly only doing it for the name also an engagement isn’t a marriage so easily could be a fake carrot dangled.

so she had unprotected sex.....
decided to have a baby on her own
is ostracizing the father from the get go

Is she doing this with the best interest of her child in mind?

If she doesn't want father in her life, fair enough. But it seems like she is happy for him to be there.... why not give the child both names and save everyone a ton of trouble later? Child certainly can choose to drop a name later.

and no, it does not need to be double-barred, it can just be two last names. Which I think it is fairer.

I say this as someone that never took my partner's name.... also as someone that has found relieving to have my name on my child's passport under a number of unpredictable circumstances. i.e. father takes child on a trip, and will need all sort of paperwork to do so....